Sunday, August 24, 2008

Crusty's Guide to Successfully Committing Suicide

So, You Think Suicide Might Be Right For You?
So you've decided to commit've come to right place. This guide will give you some tips and tricks for successfully committing suicide from an insider who has seen every possible kind of suicide attempt. If you follow my advice carefully, you will be guaranteed to have a successful and delightful suicide...a suicide that your friends and family will respectfully admire and remember fondly. They'll say nice things like, "Damn, is that your name here?...I don't hardly recognize him among all that dismembered flesh!...That'll be the last time I don't believe HIM when he says he's going to kill himself...hee hee hee?"

Fakers...Go Read a Faker's Tutorial
If you're just looking to make a mess out of yourself, cry for help, teach someone a lesson, take a break from life for a couple of months in a mental institution, or get attention, without actually off-ing yourself, then this is not the tutorial for you. If you've already done the research, searched your soul, and you're ready to boldly and gracefully do something for yourself that you've long deserved (cold, dark death), then you're in the right place.

Overcoming The Pesky 'Will To Live'
The first step to committing suicide is COMMITTING to commit suicide. You're not likely to be successful without some solid commitment. I think the most surprising part about killing yourself, for most people, is the sudden acquisition of 'the will to live,' which seems to surface just when death is beginning to have it's way with you. It's usually when you see the massive amount of blood, feel the exquisite pain, or start to feel the pre-death sleepiness coming on. This sudden 'will to live' is what causes otherwise well-intentioned people to call 911, call a friend, or somehow find a way to save their worthless existence. You need to plan on regaining 'the will to live,' and you need to properly ensure that your sudden 'will to live' does not allow you do something save bag-of-shit self. If it wasn't for this pesky 'will to live,' I would never be called to an "attempted suicide;" I would only be called to COMMITTED suicides (DOA's).

Carefully Selecting a Suicide Method That Looks Good On You
The best way to ensure that 'the will to live' does not rear its ugly head in your suicide attempt is to thoughtfully select the best suicide method for you, then artfully execute your plan. The best suicide methods are those that do not allow you to back out at any moment. 'All-or-nothing' suicide methods are what you should be looking for. For example, shooting yourself in the head, cutting your carotid artery, hanging yourself, or jumping off a 50-story building.  These are all acceptable, 'all-or-nothing' methods of killing yourself. Half-hearted, lame, uncool ways of killing yourself include taking pills, cutting your wrists, asphyxiating yourself, jumping into water, drinking bleach, eating razorblades, choking yourself, or running through traffic. These half-hearted attempts just cause people to think of you as more of a failure than they already do. You won't ever find someone bragging about a suicide ATTEMPT, only COMMITTED suicides; and you'll never hear someone say anything benevolent about an unsuccessful suicide. Do you want to earn people's respect and humble adoration? ...Don't just attempt suicide, COMMIT suicide...massacre it now, you puss. If you select the right suicide method for you, not only will it kill you, but you'll look good doing it.  You'll be regarded as a goddamn artist.

Other People Don't Care About You...Don't Let Them Get In Your Way
Another important point to remember is to make sure you don't let anyone find out you're about to commit suicide. Suicide hotlines, 911, and phone calls to friends & family are for UNcommitted pansies. If you wisely choose the proper method (a good 'all or nothing' method), you won't have to worry about calling someone later on, because you won't be able to call'll be nice & dead.

Hazards Of Slow-Kill Methods
If you foolishly choose a slow, painful way of dying, then you run the risk of picking up the phone and calling for help, or finding some other way to back-out of "Operation End-It-All." Slow-kill methods also increase the chances of someone walking in on your charade and attempting to save you. So...if for some dumb reason, you DO choose a slow-kill method, which could cause you to acquire 'the will to live' and want to back out, then you need to do some pre-planning, in order to show the rest of us that you're not an uncommitted bitch. You need to cut the phone lines, destroy your cell phone, or do your sacred 'slow-kill' ritual where nobody could possibly catch you in the act. Then, if you do the proper pre-planning, all you need to do is enjoy the sweet sensations of being helplessly unable to stop death from making you its bitch.

Don't Notify Others; They Only Care About Themselves
NEVER call someone BEFORE you begin your suicide attempt, either. This is the dumbest thing you can do. It's true that nobody cares about you, but people will pretend to care, and they'll call 911 for you, even though they secretly wish they would have let you kill yourself. Remember, they won't personally show up; they'll call 911. They pretend to care because they just don't want to feel bad about themselves. They don't care about YOU. They only care about themselves. You'll be surprised at how much people will pretend to care, for their own sake. Don't take chances on the possibility that someone might act against their better judgement and do something to help save your life.  It's bad for everyone...they'll regret helping you, and you'll regret being help...lose-lose situation.  Don't do it.

If You Must Notify Somebody, Do It Covertly and Creatively
I realize that it's tempting to punish someone by making them see you take your final breaths, or be the first to find your mutilated body, causing them to feel guilty that your suicide was partly because of them, and causing them to have the image of your human wreckage permanently ingrained in their every memory; but there are ways of doing this covertly & creatively, which will not thwart your plan to kill yourself. For example, you could lure them to your house by saying that you've prepared a delicious meal...try saying it's a super moist pot roast or a brisket you've smoked all night...people are suckers for that shit. Then...when they arrive, bitch-slap...they're too're fucking dead...and it's their god-damn fault (...or, at least they'll feel like it is).  Chances are, if they're the first people to find your unsightly corpse, the trauma will cause them to kill themselves very soon...hahaha.

Make a Crusty Ambulance Driver Proud
In short, COMMIT to committing suicide. Think it through, do your research, interview those who have been unsuccessful (be sure to remind them that they suck), pick a method that works for you, don't be a pansy, and be sure to pre-plan to avoid any sudden onset of 'the will to live.' If you follow this advice, you'll have an enjoyable, successful which your friends and family may want to emulate one day. Remember, you can only kill yourself ONCE, so make it a death extravaganza.  And, remember to HAVE FUN!...people always forget to have fun when they're killing themselves.

Because of this tutorial, I would expect nobody to ever fail at ending their failure-rich lives again. Make a Crusty Ambulance Driver proud...don't just mutilate yourself a little...make a statement...turn yourself into a work of the world what admirably massive balls you have...ANNIHILATE your pathetic self.

Note/Disclaimer/Whatever: I do not actually support, condone, encourage, or otherwise hope that you or anybody else would commit suicide (in most cases). I believe the purpose of life is to improve yourself and the world around you. By committing suicide, you are squandering that opportunity. In addition, suicide leaves your friends and family hurt, angry, and confused. In a lot of cases, when people commit suicide, they are abdicating their responsibilities and commitments, and leaving friends and family with messes to clean up and additional responsibilities to assume. In these cases, suicide is a greedy, self-indulging, cowardly act.

The purpose of this blog entry was to satirically make light of an otherwise very somber issue, in an attempt to shockingly entertain you (and me) and make a statement about a very frustrating aspect of my job, which is suicide "attempts." Don't kill yourself, and especially don't "attempt" to kill yourself. Use your problems as an opportunity to learn and grow. If you really think you might want to check out of life, clean up your problems, so others aren't left to clean up after you, and go join the Marines, The World Police (America, F@#! yeah); or go volunteer for some highly experimental, underground human drug testing...let someone turn you into a half-man, half-goat. Go give your life saving the world or something.


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Tex said...

Jeezus Effin' Krist!!!

I gotta link to tjis one.

Matt M said...

I have been waiting for the how-to post. Thanks.

Nothing says loser like a failed attempt, especially one that leaves a nasty scar, brain damage, or a lawyer bill. If you kill yourself at home, do everyone a favor and do it in the bathtub. That is a much easier mess to clean up.

Ladyk73 said...

Wow, Most people who complete dangerous suicidal acts have mental illnesses.

It sounds like you, as well, may have some issues to deal with.

Have you thought about getting some help-?

Brick City Medic said...

That's great. I was laughing.

LCourage said...

Ladies and gentlemen...balls. That's why I love this blog. The blatant truth slapping you in the face.
"That which does not kill you..."

Anonymous said...

I don't know about the dude who said he likes your balls slapping him in the face...but I thought this was funny as hell. Mahalo.

Amy said...

Brilliant. Especially loved the part about making pot roast!

Drama>Trauma said...

Just what I needed to read on my lunch break.. this is awesome. Now to find a way to hand it out in triage..

Special Sauce said...

Remember, as Rippy the Razor tells us- "Down the street, not across the block."

Crusty said...

Thanks Rippy!!!

And thanks to everyone else that left comments, except "LadyK73." I especially liked, "Ladies and Gentlemen...BALLS." I actually imagined a curtain opening, revealing a happy, proud set of balls, met with fervent ovation.

"LadyK73," I DO need help; thanks for compassionately pointing that out. I wouldn't think for a second that there was ANY vengeance or vitriol in your suggestion that I get help. Will YOU please help me? You seem sane enough to help other people deal with their problems... ... ... ...NOT.

To the rest of you,... you're sick people. What do I have to do to offend you people? I'm going to have to step it up a bit.

Anonymous said...

LMAO, love ya Crusty, you da man!!!

(Special Sauce's advice is also right on target!)

p.s. Crusty, that's the best damn disclaimer I've ever read!

Anonymous said...

I wish you had your comments set to approve so I could leave a private message, but what the hell. You don't know me from Adam/Eve on the streets...

I've been reading your blog for a while now. It's cool. Really it is. It's given me some good laughs. Laughs that go to the soul and have me grabbing my sides from the ache after having laughed so hard and so long.

However, right now I'm going through some pretty drastic shit in my life. You know they say once you hit rock bottom things will start looking up because you've went as low as you can go? Well, whoever "You" is was dead wrong. You can dig down, tunnel deep, and go a whole hell of a lot further than rock bottom. Machines dig through rocks these days you know?

While I wasn't thinking about suicide... I was trying to find a way to escape from the pain by blogging over on my own blog. It wasn't doing much good so I came and read yours instead... and then I read the disclaimer you had down at the bottom of this post.

It reminded me that problems are there to help us learn and grow from... That we can get stronger if we use them as an oppurtunity and don't dwell on them.

Thanks... You didn't "save" my life so to speak, but you sure as hell saved my soul tonight.

manchmedic said...

Crusty, you got it right again.

It's sadly true in addition to being funny.... Most of the "attempted suicides" I've ever dealt with people who either really needed help or were attention seeking, etc., etc., etc.

The only times I've ever been to a "successful" suicide were when I could smell them before I walked through the door.....

Excellent disclaimer, BTW. Can I borrow it?

Cheating Death said...

Special Sauce--I learned it in medic school as down the road, not acrossed the tracks!

AD, as usual, you've made my day. Twice. I came back and read it all again, because simply put--you are my hero(behind crappy partner, not-really-a-medic partner, really bad nurse, and medical director who doesn't care what I do).

30 yr ff/pm said...

My god!!
That's hilarious!!

ladyk73: Wow, Most people who complete dangerous suicidal acts have mental illnesses.

Not if they followed good advice like this.
Lady, after you're dead, the amount of illness and where it resides becomes really moot.

Shalom said...

Regarding messes: The author H. Beam Piper killed himself in 1964. Per Wikipedia, "Piper shut off all the utilities to his apartment, put painter's drop-cloths over the walls and floor, and took his own life with a handgun from his collection. In his suicide note, he gave an explanation that `I don't like to leave messes when I go away, but if I could have cleaned up any of this mess, I wouldn't be going away. H. Beam Piper'"

Now there's someone considerate.

ladyk73 said...


I don't believe my comment deserved the wrath of trollism.

What is the saddest part, is that those who do succeed in suicide are those that society needs the most: Doctors, artists, cops, other people in the medical field.

Whatever! You are a sick (but amusing) freak!

Cheating Death said...

Crusty, found this and figured you might like it:

Anonymous said...

I appreciate your dark humor. Through the cynicism I see a real professional making a humane point.

I won't trouble you with my personal story but trust me, last night I did a sober analysis of my prospects and have become a Committed Aspirant.

One question (if you can answer): shooting in the head side to side? That sounds awfully likely to result in a disastrous, last-minute "scrape away." I've read repeatedly that securing a powerful gun in your mouth, pointed up into your brain, yields the most certain death. Forgive me if I don't wait for confirmation.

By the way, your article is excellent dark humor- for the unafflicted.

Bronwyn's Love

CrazyMedic said...

I read a little bit of this "sludge", aka your blog. If your county ambulance service gets wooed by Rural/Metro, AMR, or one of the other 'biggies' you will be feeling the pain much like the 'ridership' you make fun of if your salary gets any lower (we all know EMS is underpaid to begin with--thank medicare). Why haven't you made it to paramedic school? You never have explained why your city sends TWO fire trucks, a paramedic squad with three people and an ambulance. To make the 'blog' more interesting, please explain your system. Is the ambulance private??? THANKS! While the anecdotes are humorous, some 'information on the system would help make sense of your posts'! THANKS!


You obviously don't understand that over 80% of ambulance calls are VERY BLS and non-emergent. Our county has adopted a much more intensive system of EMD (Emergency Medical Dispatch) and will send an ambulance code one (no lights and siren) as well as tell people over the phone that they will be triaged to the waiting room. Our EMS union even has allowed volunteer EMT's to come from home and get an ambulance out for these types of calls. Some of them are based out of churches and Jewish temples. It allows 'regular citizens' to be involved since the activation of 911/EMS is usually the first activation of 'social services' and also a cry for help. Since the union knows the city/county does NOT have money for more units OR overtime; the volunteers have been a welcome change to take the workload off of the union EMS staff. Many times also the volunteers will hang out at their stations which sometimss are car-ports with type II ambulances plugged into shore lines. It also allows youth to be involved and to stay off the street. When the volunteer agency gets a DIRECT call for help; they radio the county if they fell the emergency is ALS and the medic is happy to climb into their rig so that they do not have to do clean-up themselves. Since they KNOW that there is no money for new units or overtime it is not a bother. The PRN staff comes directly from the volunteer units. This way the fire department can evaluate them before they get hired for pay! This system has SIGNIFICANTLY reduced the 'nonsense calls' we used to get! Why don't you try to form a group of Basic EMT's like yourself who will volunteer some of your time to help educate the dispatchers. A citizen petition usually helps out a lot. You can circumvent disciplinary charges at work by running for a low key public office such as a secretary of a committee and that will enable you to obtain the signatures for the petition without jeopardizing your job and being part of the SOLUTION not part of the PROBLEM! THIS WILL HELP THE INDUSTRY AND SET A STRONGER NATIONWIDE PRECEDENT! These types of grassroots political moves are how wonderful US and State senators have come into office. The US needs more AVERAGE CITIZENS to be a part of government rather than the societal elite! It would be wonderful to have more representation in Washington by career EMS workers and NOT "Washington insiders" who inherit the job based on a family name or money! STOP BITCHING====>> GO FOR IT!

Medic/Owner/go-for/grunt worker/ makin a livin' said...

As an owner of a small 911/non-emergent transport company covering a section of a large city; I was floored by some of the flippant comments you have made regarding your patients. I agree with some of the people and that you should leave the job if you don't like helping people who are less fortunate than yourself!!! There are PLENTY of places that hire basic EMT's, even hospital ER's to start IV's and draw blood. The pay may be even higher and the benefits and 401K contributions higher! Some people have suffered years of abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual). Why don't you try volunteering at one of the homeless shelters to learn how some people were succeeding at life one minute and were homeless the next! It is actually VERY EASY to become homeless in America now-a-days; especially if you don't have any family to turn to for help. Not all people down on their luck are on drugs/alcohol! Some people are also born with a low IQ or had an illness as a baby that hindered their emotional growth or changed the way they reason. Shaken baby syndrome?? There are also other illnesses besides psychiatric ones that do the same thing. You can also think TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury); these people do not see things the way that you and I do. You have such a crappy attitude toward people down on their luck and seem to focus on blacks and Hispanics. I am not a huge fan of illegals or ebonics, and in my area there are plenty of white trash as well! **** TO CURE YOU OF YOUR BAD ATTITUDE**** I think you need to to be unwillingly FU*KED up the A$$ real good by a hung black or Latino with HIV since you make fun of them the most. Then not only will you have a bigger orifice for your BULL SH!T to come out of your system faster; but you will also see what it is like to live in poverty and be controlled by a dysfunctional system that does not allocate a bus pass for you to use! Many of these people have to choose between filling a medication or purchasing a bus pass. I DO **AGREE** WITH YOU ON SEVERAL ISSUES! I firmly believe in forcing people to quit smoking who have severe respiratory problems. If they INSIST on smoking; I propose to cut off treatment and just focus on palliative care (pain relief-- which can be self administered). I agree with you on those issues TOTALLY. I also do not think that people should be spending government money to purchase cigarettes. If cigs "calm their nerves" than their doctor can give them an anxyolitic such as ativan or klonapin; not cigarettes which further the expense on taxpayers (i.e. ICU days). I believe in free rights, I am also far from a liberal; but as a seasoned medic I know that America is a *silent* CASTE SYSTEM. Some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth. It is easier for them to succeed and fend off legal trouble many Americans are faced with. Just take a look at our current president. G. Bush was born with a silver FOOT in his mouth. If this county can afford to spend BILLIONS to send HIV medications to African countries (where most of it spoils in storage facilities because the nurses and doctors needed to administer them moved here) than we can cut that money and spend it to repair the health of our fellow Americans HERE IN THE USA and make them physically able to work. When I was a new medic I had an PRN EMT partner just like you back on the East Coast. One day we went on a "BS call" only to find the patient had gone down hill. This patient was a retired RN forced to live in public housing due to unforeseen medical problems. Earlier in the year, my partner for the day (nobody like to work with him) had helped the police execute an 'illegal search' about 5 months prior. The police had a young BM in custody. He was complaining of leg pain from being taken down. The EMT, I'll call him George (for curious George) was asked by the police to examine him. George decided to do the job of the police and since they could not examine all of the pockets by law, George cut the mans pants off on the middle of State St. He also made it a point to initiate the cuts near the pockets. Some type of narcotic fell out. It was enough for prison time. The cops would have eventually found it out in jail booking. It has been said time and time again that EMS is not to do the job of the police. On the aforementioned call; I sent 'George' to get the code kit and reeves. I radioed for another crew. The cops had come up another flight of stairs as the ancient elevator that required you to shut the door yourself was broken. I was wondering where 'George' was. I told the cops I wanted to see what the problem was since he was not answering the radio on the 'ground channel'. I heard deep moaning as I opened the door to the main stairs. I followed the moans. 'George' was crumpled in a 'pile'. He looked like a contortionist. His right arm was bent at such an amazing 'set' of angles behind his back and over his left shoulder. His left leg was shaped like an "L" as his knee was probably a pile of dust. He had managed to spit out his broken teeth. The broken radio had hair, hlood and mucous on it. Since I did not like him at all and leaving the other patient would be considered abandonment; I gave the cops some gloves and trauma pads and told them to keep him awake. His airway was good, he could breathe and make noise. He made PLENTY of noise when moved onto the backboard! He is now on disability (probably $900 a month), on food stamps and medicaid and one of the people that you ridicule in your nonsensical blog. >>>>> ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW LIFE CAN CHANGE THE TABLES ON YOU ONE DAY? ONE DAY YOU ARE ON TOP OF THE WORLD, AN RN IN A BIG HOSPITAL ER, A CHARGE NURSE EVEN, TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OF EXPERIENCE BEHIND THE BACK INCLUDING FLYING CRITICAL PATIENTS, LOOKING DOWN AT OTHER PEOPLE SAYING "HOW DID HE WIND UP LIKE *THIS* ............AND THEN *****BAM***** LATER ON YOU ARE ONE OF "THOSE PEOPLE" THAT NOBODY WANTS TO TRANSPORT.

Crusty said...

Bronwyn's Love, if you're still alive, I'm sorry life isn't working out for you. I would encourage you to try to work through your problems and not kill yourself, but if you're unwilling or unable to use your problems as a tool to learn and grow, then I suppose you'll do what you have to do and add yourself to the approximately 3,000 other people that will kill themselves in a day (see my "Death Clock" posting).

"Afflicted" people always have the option of NOT reading my blog. Self-censorship is always the most effective form of censorship.

In response to your question... Yeah, you're probably right, you could end up pulling away and only hurting yourself, if you shoot side-to-side. However, if in fact you DO pull away, then I would theorize that you didn't want to decimate yourself in the first place.

I've actually seen people try to shoot themselves through the mouth and only end up shooting off their face or blowing out the back of their neck. But, I've also seen the mouth method work like a dandy for some people. I recommend side-to-side just because the most sure way of killing yourself is to ensure that an object crosses the middle of your brain. I've never seen a side-to-side attempt fail. That doesn't mean it hasn't happened; it just means I haven't seen it. Either way, if you're still alive, good luck with live or death...whichever you're choosing.

Crusty said...

Crazymedic, you're so crazy, man.

Thanks for reading my sludge. This is a city-run ambulance. It is paid for by forcing residents to pay property tax at the point of a gun. If they don't pay, they get forced out of their houses by thugs with guns. I would be elated if a private company took over our socialist ambulance service, even if it means I'll lose my job.

Then... city residents would not be forced to pay for this waste of time and resources through their property taxes. However, they would still be forced to pay for Medicare and Medicaid, which is used to fund most rides in private ambulances. We would have to work to stop Medicare and Medicaid also.

Since when did people gain the god-given right to ride an ambulance to the hospital (for whatever reason...emergency or B.S.) at the expense of someone else, forced to pay through taxes? Compassion can not possibly be defined as the act of stealing money from one person, at the point of a gun, to give it to another person.

If my job were to end tomorrow, because people realized it was a waste of taxpayer money, then I would feel like my "sludge" was not written in vain. Thanks for reading my sludge, and I especially thank you for leaving some sludge of your own.

Crusty said...

Political EMT, I don't know if you realized it, but this blog IS an attempt to educate people on our socialized EMS systems, and I would hope that it would cause people to want to go make changes in their local governments. In order words, this blog IS a bit of political activism.

I believe "bitching" is a very effective away of educating people about our political system in an entertaining way. ...A lot like how YOUR "bitching" about people "bitching" was a bitchin way to tell these bitches to take their "bitching" to the MOTHER BITCH (the gubment), in order to effect change.

I love the idea of volunteer EMS (and fire...and police, for that matter). A person should never be forced to pay for someone else to ride to the hospital. Now, you just need to stop asking for their Medicare/Medicaid paperwork, so that the rest of us don't have to pay for your benevolent, volunteer program. Excellent work, you little go-getter.

Crusty said...

Medic/owner/socialist/lover of forced charity/grunt worker/makin a livin',... How could such a compassionate person, such as yourself, actually wish that I got ass-raped by an AIDS-infected man, and ended up dying of a miserable disease? How is my attitude toward EMS-abusing-losers any worse than your attitude toward me?

That sounds like a typical Socialist perspective. ...Let's help this poor group of down-trodden individuals, because we're compassionate people, by forcefully robbing another group of people of their life, liberty, and property. You are a sick, violent individual! At least my deplorable 'live and let live' attitude does not cross the line into forcing and hurting other people.

I believe in free rights, I am also far from a liberal No you don't believe in free rights; and you are correct, you're not a liberal. The true definition of a liberal is someone who believes in liberty. You are not a Liberal. You, my violent, uncompassionate friend, are a socialist.

It's sad when bad things happen to people, their lives change, and they're unable to help themselves. However, how is it right (or compassionate) to force other people to help them, at the point of a gun? It's nice if people volunteer to help other people, but it's not nice to force other people to help these losers. It should be a person's right to destroy their lives with drugs/alcohol, live with a low IQ, or live as a disabled person to the best of their ability. But when they can't take care of themselves anymore, and nobody is willing to voluntarily take care of them, then it should not be their right to take life, liberty, and property from someone else, in order to extend their miserable existence.

What's so wrong with people dying? ...Especially when they're no longer able to care for themselves or contribute to society? I didn't kill them, they lived their lives the best they could, and they ended up dying. They killed themselves...or allowed themselves to die. Why should we spend other people's money to prevent people from dying, any more than we should prevent people from living? How is death any worse than birth?

I had a partner just like you, several years back. He was always feeling sorry for losers, to the point where he wanted to steal money from other people in order to sustain the losers' lives.

Then one day, he was violently robbed by a gang of losers, and they took everything he had and destroyed his home.

He would have been able to stop them, if he had a gun. However, he didn't own a gun, because he said it was too difficult to jump through all those government hoops to get a gun, and he didn't really believe in owning a gun anyway. He didn't believe in violently harming someone else. He just believed in violently forcing other people to pay for his idea of police protection, at the point of someone else's gun.

Well, he called the police, but they took too long to get there, and by the time they showed up, he had already been robbed, his house was destroyed, and he was shot in the kneecap (shattering his kneecap).

The police told him they would try to figure out who did it, but they couldn't make any promises. They said, "it's not like on T.V....we're not CSI, you know...we don't really do all that crime scene investigation stuff and lab work and stuff...we don't have enough money for all that."

So then, my partner was disabled, and he was unable to work at the fire department. On top of that, his insurance company refused his medical claim, and he didn't have current homeowner's insurance, since he had just paid off his home, and he was shopping for new insurance.

So...his house was destroyed, he lost everything valuable, he had a huge medical bill, he couldn't work at the fire department anymore, and therefore, he couldn't make the yearly property tax payment. When he couldn't make the property tax payment, they came and took his house from him at the point of a gun (the same cops that DIDN'T stop the robbery from happening and didn't find the robbers). This is the house he had responsibly saved his money in order to pay off.

Well...this guy ended up getting a job that did not require him to be active, since he has to use a cane to walk. He was smart enough to plan ahead and get enough of an education to make sure that he would always have options. He has no home, he's living in an apartment, and he's essentially starting over.

This time, he bought a handgun, he does not believe in property tax, he does not believe in public police departments, and he does not believe in forcing people to pay taxes in order to sustain the lives of losers which will end up robbing him one day.

Anonymous said...

Its always funny when people feel compelled to write a short novel trashing someone's blog. Obviously Crusty's musings on socialized medicine aren't everyone's cup of tea. But if you don't like it...don't read it! Use the time you wasted prosthelytizing and go save the world scab-encrusted, drug-seeking loser at a time!

Jean Poole said...

Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live.

by Dorothy Parker

Anonymous said...

We had a patient who shot himself in the head with a .22 then waited 2 days before finally calling EMS (he hoped he would bleed to death). He finally called EMS since he didn't bleed to death and the pain was too intense. It's a miracle this guy had as little damage as he did. I hope he realizes that there is a higher power that wants him to live for some purpose.

Thanks for the laughs Crusty. I have a feeling this patient would laugh at this post as well.

Stevethemedic said...

I have considered making a "How to" video on the subject! I need actors though!! You wouldn't have to worry about making a second take on a scene!!

Me said...

LOL LOL Love it.

If I had a dime for every 'attempted suicide' I've attended, I'd be a rich woman.

For those who are attacking Crusty for his comments, have you attended call after call after call where someone has 'attempted suicide'? 9 out of 10 'attempted suicide' calls are people who are trying to gain some attention from friends and family. Most of these attempts fail, because the person attempting to 'kill themselves' don't really want to in the first place.

Some are doing it to hurt someone else eg. The man who's girlfriend just broke up with him or the teenager who was told she couldn't go on a school trip with her friends, the list goes on and on. For those who really want to end things, they will.

For those individuals who are sincerely to the point where they feel there is no other option left but to end their lives, they will find a way no matter who intervenes. Speaking for myself only, if we are able to get there before they carry out their plan, we can get them some help. I will always treat these individuals with empathy and kindness and hope that the 'system' can help this person.

When the system fails, which it does quite often, I can't help but be disgusted when the person carries out their plan in a manner that causes extreme mental trauma to other people. Examples being; the person who jumps off a subway platform, during rush hour. Or, the one who jumps off a bridge over the highway.. landing, and going through the wind shield of an 18 wheeler, killing the driver. Or, the father who decides to hang himself from the stair rail, knowing the first person who will come through the door and see him would be his 5 year old little boy.

Those who want to end it badly enough, will find a way to do it. I just wish that when they do, it's somewhere that won't involve others.

For those who manage to get the help they need, excellent. If I am able to get them to the help they need, great.

Anonymous said...

Crusty, your "guide" is one of the best things I've read in a long time! I'm going to have to print out a copy for my psychotherapist. He has a wonderfully warped sense of humor and thought it was pretty damn funny that I tried to kill myself and f***ed it up.

I didn't try to kill myself for attention, or to hurt someone else. I was so far gone into major depression that I didn't know what else *to* do . . . and I thought that removing myself would make things easier for the people I loved. Had I been willing to leave them with a mess, I wouldn't be here now. Arranging to just die in my sleep from an overdose is where I screwed up....

Elizabeth Bryant Alexander said...

I worked for the county ME for a few years and saw both methods of shooting yourself fail/the victim had to shoot themselves again...once was three times. I agree with those who say the ones who truly want to die, typically find a way eventually. I was present for an autopsy of a poor guy who did it with a shoe string and tied to a door knob. Mental illness is terribly sad, but the attention whores are way sadder.

Medic Sierra said...

NOTE- I previously posted with the username 'ME' I hadn't set my account up properly. It's all fixed now. :)

elizabeth, I agree that mental illness is terribly sad. I don't know how these people are treated where you live, but I find that that there is a huge lack of support for those who are mentally ill up here.
I agree that those who are looking to gain attention from their attempt at suicide are very sad indeed. By doing that, they are mentally 'blackmailing' their loved ones.

anonymous, I'm glad to hear that your attempt failed, and you are still here. I assume from your comment about not wanting to leave a mess, that you are probably a female, (I could be wrong of course) Depression can be a very serious illness that needs to be treated seriously by the medical community.
I have attended several suicides, almost half of them were ones who overdosed and died in their sleep. In all cases, those who found them, were seriously traumatized. You mentioned that committing suicide would make it "easier for the people you loved".. I'm sure you've also thought about how hurt they would have been had your plan worked.
I'm glad to read that you are seeing a psychotherapist as well. I sincerely hope that you are getting the help you need and that things in your life are starting to look brighter by the day. I wish you all the best.

One of my calls.
We received a call to attend a 34 y/o VSA (Vital signs absent).
We arrived to find the house full of family members. The patient hadn't been heard from in over 3 days and the family got worried so they broke into his house to find him dead in his bed.
While we were there, we treated the mans sister who had an asthma attack. Another crew arrived to relive us (end of shift). Later we found out that the Mother of the patient had a massive stroke, and died in her sons home.

Please don't think that removing yourself from your loved ones lives in that manner, would make ANYTHING easier for them.

Anonymous said...

Medic Sierra, thanks for your good wishes. Yeah, things are looking up. My shrink's working with me to find a combo of drugs that works properly and my therapist is one-of-a-kind wonderful.

At the time, I thought I was doing the "right" thing for everyone, but afterwards I could see how twisted my logic was. I do realize what kind of hell I would have put them through and will regret that for the rest of my days.

I got lucky -- my immediate family and the few friends who know about it have stood by me. I keep waiting for them to give me an angry "WTF, were you thinking?!?" but so far they haven't, and I have to admit that puzzles me. I would be royally pissed if somebody tried to leave me that way...but maybe they understand just how far gone I was.

Oh, BTW, I did get a "HOLY CRAP!" voice mail from my therapist when he got back into town and heard what happened. Got me into his office that day, too, just to make sure I was actually OK, even though the shrink on duty that weekend wouldn't have let me out of the hospital if he'd had any concerns. (I think it unnerved him as much as it did the rest of us, myself included!)

Crusty said...

Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear that things were going so badly for you; but I'm also glad to hear that you've since decided to work things out and reconsider living. Yeah, that O.D. idea hardly ever seems to work.

I definitely would like to hear what your doctor has to say about this post. I would especially like it if he was offended and had some nasty things to say about me. That would just be pure fun for all of us.

Medic Sierra said...

Anonymous, I'm happy to read that things are looking up and you are getting the help and support you need. It's also great to read that you have a large support base of family and friends... that always makes a big difference.

I can understand how you can get to a point where you feel the only thing left to do is die, which would supposedly take the stress off our loved ones. I was there when I was a teenager. Thankfully my mind was changed through talking to family and friends. I did not attempt suicide, but just the fact I thought about it hurt my Mom, who I am very close to. To this day I feel guilty about it. So I can certainly understand what you're saying.

Keep doing what you need to do, and always remember that there are loved ones around you who would suffer greatly if you decided to leave them.

Take care of you!

Medic Sierra said...

Medic/Owner/go-for/grunt worker/ makin a livin' - I'm a little surprised that you don't understand the rants from a medic (or EMT) or the dark humour considering you have worked on the road yourself.

I am a medic in Ontario Canada, my Mother in law is a medic in Georgia, I know many medics from the US, Canada, and England and every single one I know has the exact same dark humour and the bitches about certain patients.

I was totally disgusted to read that you left your partner, who was apparently seriously injured! Left 'George' with people who are not medically trained! I find that simply unbelievable. I don't care if you liked him or not, he was your PARTNER! and hurt, BAD!

The service I work for is in a large city. Canada has socialized medicine. EMS is run by the Cities and the private companies are for stable patient transfer only.

There are a lot of problems with socialized medicine, but I have to say I'm glad we have it. It doesn't matter how much money you have, or don't have. A person who lives on the streets gets the same care I do. (if they choose to go get it) Some of the more annoying problems with socialized medicine is

1. Our ER's are full of people who do not need to be there. Leaving no room for those who do. Folks who SHOULD be seen by their family Doctor. EXCEPT There are not enough family Docs and some folks do not have one. On the flip side, some folks are too lazy to go to their own family Docs and go to the ER since it's closer.

2. There are long waiting times for such things as MRI's, CTscans, and other diagnostic tests. Also, long waiting times to see the specialists you need to see to actually send you for these tests.

There are more problems, but there are also a lot of advantages. To be honest, if I had the choice of socialized medicine or non socialized... I'd take socialized. I think the best system would be a combination of socialized and non socialized.

Medic/Owner/go-for/grunt worker/ makin a livin' - I guess you'd be opposed to hearing the 'dead baby' jokes as well.. eh?

Benjamin said...

What can I say that has not been said in the comments that have preceded me. Well. Not much, but I will say this; It is so amazingly refreshing to hear some HONESTY about this topic. With a tasty dose of experience and reflection gained from a career that most of us could not imagine, and some just plain ol' common fucking sense; you have turned a touchy subject into one of simplicity and god-smacked brutal honesty. Bravo sir, bravo.

Just like waitress growing tired of poor tippers, or a case worker involved with the juvie system who will never find an end to bratty kids who had shitty parents making the same mistakes over and over again. Your point of view being the exasperated and enraged EMT who has seen slews of people making stupid decisions OVER and OVER again, leaving you to clean up THEIR mess; is just... exceedingly welcome and appreciated. While some people may moan and bitch and say you are treading on toes with this kind of content, I look upon it almost as if it were a simple recipe for a grilled cheese sandwich. "You put the cheese on the inside, STUPID! Stop making poor decisions and leaving me a burned up cheese encrusted pan to scrub!"

While I do not doubt that somewhere inside you, each suicide attempt you are called to; may tug at your heartstrings, at least a little - I believe that you have seen it one too many times to truly be moved by it. I enjoy this. It proves that suicide is far more common than the every day man may know of. For you, it is just your job, once you've cleaned your ambulance of vomit from a stupid person who tried to OD once, you've done it a million times. I applaud you for your dedication, and whole-heartedly support your need for release in blog fashion. You've earned your rest. So, crack open a beer, light a spliff (if you indulge in these things) and give yourself a hearty pat on the back. Job well done soldier. May a hundred women (or men?) pleasure you for eternity; for your service to this country and our people.

Once again sir, Bravo. Brav-fucking-o.

Medic Sierra said...

The fact that suicides and attempted suicides are so common, CAN tend to leave EMTS and medics a little... blah.. when discussing it, much to the horror of most people.

One Thanksgiving (yup, a holiday *shock*)
my partner and I attended a call that first came across as an MVC (Motor vehicle collision) update tells us it's involving a pedestrian. Last update before we get there ... Train vs pedestrian. Hrmm.. guess who won?

After spending about 3 hours walking down track with the police, identifying body parts, my partner and I decided to go for our 'Thanksgiving' lunch. The only place open was a chicken place nearby that served a pseudo Thanksgiving dinner. As we were waiting in line ( with no other people behind us ) my partner started checking out the bottoms of her boots. I asked her what she was doing and she replied 'Just making sure I don't have any of his brain left on my boots' just as the lady taking our order turned the corner.


She thought we were joking but when we didn't start laughing she disappeared. Wondering where the order taker went, we rang the litte service bell. The Manager came to take our order asking us what we said to cause his employee to run out the back door gagging.


In the end, no brain on boots, mock Thanksgiving dinner gulped down while driving to our next call...

Crusty said...

Thanks Benjamin and Medic Sierra. I'm sorry to inform you, but both of you are clear-minded, objective, reasonable people who are clearly able to think in spite of emotion. You, along with some other people who comment on here, are clearly not normal. It's a lonely world out there for reasonable people. How do I know that you're the normal ones and the rest of the world is crazy, rather than them being normal and you being crazy? ...I DON'T know.

I would love to see more reasonable, objective debate on a lot of subjects...religion, politics, human motivation, race relations, law,... It is rare.

Medic Sierra said...


Thanks Benjamin and Medic Sierra. I'm sorry to inform you, but both of you are clear-minded, objective, reasonable people who are clearly able to think in spite of emotion.

LOL well, certainly not always but I try.

I would love to see more reasonable, objective debate on a lot of subjects...religion, politics, human motivation, race relations, law,... It is rare.

I'm one of those brtually blunt, tell it like it is kinda gals. I can sugar coat when I absolutely have to, but would rather not. Basically, if you don't want my honest opinion, don't ask.. lol

Crusty said...

Medic Sierra, Please tell me you're not a nasty, mountain-woman-looking, 450-pounder (lie to me, if you are). I want to think you're logical, reasonable, AND you look like Natalie Portman...

Medic Sierra said...


LOL LOL no, I'm not a mountain looking, 450 pounder and I don't even have a busted up grill! lol I don't know that I can say I'm as stunning as Ms Portman however.. but by all means, see her in your minds eye while reading my words and responding to me.. LOL

(no lies contained in the above.. lol)

Anonymous said...

You're a sick fuck - i hope that none of your children attempt suicide because that just MIGHT make you feel bad about your abhorrent humour!
You should try another job like the police force - we call them 'pigs' because they think they're god with their own rules and shit humour - you'd be well suited there

Crusty said...

Anonymous, I appreciate your sentiments. It sounds like you really care about me, my children, and the perseverance of my sense of humor. I also appreciate you caring enough about my career to suggest alternate career paths, which would more appropriately suit my personality. You should maybe think about getting a job at a high school, helping children figure out what they want to do with themselves. You seem like a stable, sane, well-adjusted, logical, realistic, sympathetic kind of person, who could really do a lot of good for young minds.

Yeah, I hope none of my children attempt suicide also, because that would make them unsuccessful, uncommitted, pansies and losers. How embarassing that must be to fail at committing suicide. I appreciate you caring about my children enough to not want them to have failed suicide attempts on their social records.

And...the last thing any of us would want is for me to have to feel bad about my sense of humor. Thanks. You seem like a really good person.

Anonymous said...

Crusty, you wrote: "...that would make them unsuccessful, uncommitted, pansies and losers."

Love you, too, man. But it was a fair shot. (Although I have to question whether technically a female can qualify as a pansy?)

"How embarassing that must be to fail at committing suicide."

Yup. It is. Trust me on that one. It's real fucking embarrassing! I'm your anonymous commenter from back on Oct.12th (and NOT the pissy anon. from Nov. 9th . . . who should probably just go read somebody else's blog and stay away from here, since s/he obviously doesn't "get" it).

Finally got a chance to get my therapist's opinion on the "guide". He was . . . um, "not amused", shall we say. Of course, he was also dealing with 3 suicidal patients when I gave it to him, which I didn't know at the time (not being one of them). He did say he didn't throw it away, so maybe he'll give it a second chance...? *I* still think it's great . . . not that my opinion matters for shit.

Anonymous said...

The best way to go is - venture to the desert; sit, starve, die and let the vultures pick your bones.

Anonymous said...

What about shooting myself in the heart? What kind of successes do you see with that one?

Mea culpa to your profession for showing up after I downed 16 mg of alprazolam with a half bottle of wine. Thanks for letting me sign AMA so I didn't have to go with you.

Anonymous said...

The dark humour in this is good - really funny. But speaking as one of the pathetic failed losers that you are talking about, it is also very shaming. Which is presumably the aim of the blog. I've had 6 failed attempts, all taking place between the ages of 15 and 26. So yeah - mortifying to admit that. I know I'm a pathetic loser. But I just feel like I'm very honest with myself and I truly don't think in my heart of hearts that I was doing any of it out of attention seeking or to get back at anyone. Certainly not consciously. Each and every time I sincerely felt the most desperate desire to die and escape the mental anguish I was suffering. But I'm a coward about physical pain. Always have been. So the will to avoid physical agony rather than a will to live kicked in stronger than the need to escape the mental anguish. The paramedics would make no attempt to hide their disgust about it. And I felt guilt for wasting their time when they could have been out helping someone who really deserved their time. And I won't try again unless I know for sure that it will work.

Crusty said...

I'm going to do you the favor of telling you that I don't buy your lie. Everybody else in your life may buy it, which is doing you more harm than good, but I don't buy it. If you wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it.

The only way for you to help yourself is by being completely honest. It's the beginning of all self-improvement.

Do you want me to feel bad? I don't apologize for what I wrote. I'm sorry that you have felt like attempting suicide, and I'm sorry that you feel shamed by this blog.

I don't know you, but I sincerely hope you don't kill yourself. I hope you learn to work through your problems and learn from them.

I believe in a completely free market, and in a completely free market, the answer to this situation is for you to have chosen to NOT read my blog post, if you thought it might have affected you in a negative way.

If you want to e-mail me privately, you can, and I'll help you however I can to avoid attempting suicide again.

Anonymous said...

No, you completely misunderstand my comment. I was not in any way, shape or form criticising your blog. I meant it when I said I appreciated its dark humour. And that a personal part of me felt a shame whilst reading it - that just is - its just a fact, totally neutral - I did not mention that to evaluate anything - nor did the blog itself affect me in a particularly negative way - they were negative experiences and it was the experiences themselves that led to the negative effect, upon reflecting and remembering. I simply felt compelled to write something as it came out of my head because I enjoyed reading the blog. I came across it by mistake when I was searching for a website I'd read years ago about methods that don't work.

I respectfully decline your offer but I do appreciate it as it is always a kindness to offer your free time to a stranger.

And finally, all I can say is that I don't have a lie. Certainly not a conscious one - I'd have no reason to lie on a blog comment to a stranger. It is absolutely what feels true to me - as part of always striving to be totally honest with myself. Believe me when I say that most depressed people are nothing but honest with themselves, even if their realities become blurred.

Anonymous said...

she killed herself last night
i miss her
please dont post things like this

Anonymous said...

My mom succeeded,


The boy who is alone now.

Crusty said...


Are you actually giving me credit for your loved ones committing suicide? Thanks, I didn't realize I was that powerfully influential.

Nobody is to blame for their suicides other than themselves...not you, not me, not Dr. Phil for not solving their problems, not the rest of the world for being too tough on them...ONLY THEM for deciding not to continue fighting through life.

They say that 25% of all people that have a loved one commit suicide, will also commit suicide. In addition, they say that 50% of all people that try to blame other people for their problems/emotions, also commit suicide. That means you anonymouses have a much better than 50/50 chance of killing yourselves. You may want to keep my website handy and make sure you do it right the first time, so that you don't just end up maiming yourself and burdening the rest of society with your useless heaps of flesh.

"Please don't post things like this"??? I have an idea...if you don't like what you read on the internet, then stop looking. Your chances of killing yourselves just went up to 90%, just because you said "please don't post things like this."

Tina said...

I will pray for you Crusty.
To the two who lost loved ones. I am so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your article. It has been a great help to me.

I, currently, have ended up in our ER twice in the last two weeks (under my own steam) because I know I'm in a bad way. I'm trying to save my life, because I have a plan and the supplies and am trying very, very hard to stay here. Life is painful.

I should have been hospitalized the first time. One of my brothers succesfully killed himself by drowning in December of last year. I know what this has done to my family. I know what they would go through if I died. It doesn't change anything.

My treatment? An anti-depressant, an appointment with a psych doctor two weeks from now. Four weeks from initial ER visit to getting help. What a great world? Huh? Mental health care in Canada and the States is very poor. I have no insurance to see someone on my own.

I came across your blog on a google search for how to kill yourself succesfully. You know what? For all the black humour it has given me a better idea of how to do this with no exposure to my family. I would hate for them to find me...

Thank you for the article. I hope, with all of my heart, that I don't need to use my plan. I will continue to try to save myself.

I will stand up and admit I am a pansy because I've been saved before a few times. My saviours were never thanked. They just prolonged my pain.

Sometimes I am so pissed at my brother because he was succesful and I haven't been. The first thought that entered my mind when I was notified that my brother was dead was, "At least he is at peace now." And I yearned for that peace.

If you need a laugh sometime, try hanging out with us wackos on the mental block. You've never heard black humour regarding death until you've chatted with us. For a bunch of pansies that continualy get saved we can be a funny bunch too.

Crusty said...

Alright...I'm seeing that I need to figure out a way to profit from all you people that want to kill yourselves, but don't have the guts to follow through with it.

I obviously need to make a website where I sell you to people who are looking for a live, healthy human body.

Maybe someone will want to buy your body because they need a spleen, lung, or pancreas for their dying child. Or, maybe they'll want to buy you to kill your mind and experiment with the rest of your live body...replace your mind with a robot or something. Or, maybe someone will want to buy you so that they can send you to kill some dictator or blow up a building a mercenary or hit-man. Or, maybe they'll want to do something to you like they did in the movie Hostel...recreational murder.

Or, you could always just start doing wild stunts and filming them, like Jackass, or a new, more dangerous Evil Kneivel. I'll film it.

Or, the other thing you suicidal people might want to consider is to just donate yourself to some sort of charitable cause. You can donate body parts to a sick child. Or, you could become some sort of Batman-like superhero, going around saving people from peril...I like that...go become a one-man, crime-fighting vigilante...That would be really cool. Or, go find another suicidal person and become a criming-fighting duo. The only problem with that is one of you has to agree to be the gay-looking side-kick.

Sometimes I wish I was suicidal. There's so many things I would want to do with a body I'm not interested in inhabiting anymore. I think I would take the superhero, crime-fighting vigilante route...either that, or I would do some type of V for Vendetta or Fight Club type of thing...I'd take out the IRS building or my local property tax building. Or, I'd just go around commiting massive acts of civil disobedience against laws with which I don't agree. I could create a giant marijuana grow operation and make the DEA murder me, just for growing some plants. Or, you know what, I've always wanted to rob a bank, hijack a plane, get in a big ol' car chase with the cops, or surf the biggest wave ever.

Anyway, let me know. If you want I'll make a website and start advertising you to a world-wide market. We could both make a ton of money (you could donate your half of the money to your family or charity or something).

Anonymous said...

Anyone know any good websites/links for committing suicide its very difficult to find a helpful and effective guide. Can someone Please post back a reply at the bottom of this page like a link or website.

Anonymous said... mother died of a massive pulmonary embolism at the end of May, and I'm the last of the line. Father's dead, mother's dead, no other relatives. I was googling around for something interesting re:suicide, and found your blog. I printed the Guide out, took it home(I don't have a personal 'puter), and gave it some serious thought. Since then, I've been considering stepping out.
...your blog did NOT start the thoughts up; they merely gave me some insight. for the people who have been ranting at Crusty, back off, chuckleheads. If there's one thing he's entitled to, it's his informed opinion.
...I have plenty of large, strong trees on my land, and any one of them could support a powerful, don't fret. The Phoenix Arises!

Crusty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

"That being said, the only thing more cowardly than committing suicide is botching your suicide attempt. So, good luck."

You should advise people to have sex, instead of ramping up the dedication to death. I don't think a person could "feel" suicidal , who just orgasmed.

Feeling Suicide-Depression is despair is hormones/animal sex drive gone wrong.

They are feeling something and to point them in the wrong direction to the solution of a compleated suicide is criminal.IMO

Once you are dead who cares if you are a coward or not? The people killing themselves have usually lost everything, an insult or judgement means nothing to them.
They have escaped the pain of life.

There are plenty of slow suiciders, why don't you call them cowardly?
Or are they just stupid?
The chain smoker, the morbidly overweight, the alcoholic.

Crusty said...

" point them in the wrong direction to the solution of a compleated suicide is criminal.IMO"

You're right; I agree; it should be criminal. I think we should make a law saying that anyone who does not show appropriate compassion toward someone who might commit suicide should be put in jail...for like, 10 years. Anytime someone expresses a desire to commit suicide, everyone else has to give them lots of attention and try to talk them out of it, or they go to jail. In fact, other people should give suicidal people anything they want and pretend like they care, or they go to jail.

The last thing we need is someone telling people they shouldn't commit suicide, or even worse, telling people not to pretend to commit suicide (attempting suicide).

Sex? There's another great idea. Maybe we could make another law that anyone who is about to commit suicide has to have sex first. And since a suicidal person is likely in a bad relationship, we'll provide government whores... "if you can't afford a whore, a whore will be provided for you."

What about the fact that most males feel really good just before they orgasm, and they actually feel relatively physically & sexually depressed right after orgasm? Should we also make it a law that they can't cum when they have sex with the government whores?

These are great ideas...keep them coming. I think we're on the verge of stopping suicides.

Anonymous said...

yeah I f'ed up about a criminal opinion I'll give you that.

I would agree with the hooker (+ viagra) before deciding to commit suicide.

but you forgot the slow suicider, who are f'ing liers, not stupid, insane?

I wrote
There are plenty of slow suiciders, why don't you call them cowardly?
Or are they just stupid?
The chain smoker, the morbidly overweight, the alcoholic.

Crusty said...

I would just call those people "stupid." People who make poor health choices don't do it because they are trying to kill themselves; they do it because they are too lazy to change or too stupid to realize they are killing themselves.

We all make poor health choices to some extent, which makes all of us slow-suiciders, and it makes all of us a little stupid.

Anonymous said...

"We all make poor health choices to some extent"
That is where your anger (reason to post this Guide) is coming from I believe.

Anonymous said...

Ha! This sure made me smile. I guess I'm deciding whether or not I'm ready to do myself in, and that disclaimer actually makes it seem like a good idea in my case. I half-assed it when I was a teenager, and am not too keen on going that route again. The entire "pity" angle for attempted suicides never happened for me, so I guess I don't see why someone would mess with themselves for that sort of thing.

I think I once understood what the "making it easier for others" angle is about, and I'm pretty sure it's what made me fuck up when I was a kid. Going down in a flame of hatred for everyone and everything seems more appropriate. I hate myself, hate my family, hate my "friends", hate society, and hate human nature in general. Just about everything, really. Don't even feel angry anymore. I don't really have anything to contribute to society, no ongoing obligations, and everyone I know is an asshole, so hey, what the hell. My parents having strokes and dying would be a nice bonus, and funny as hell. The more, the merrier!

I think I'd rather be happy and have a good life, but it doesn't look like that can happen. I just wish I knew how to get ammo under the table, because I can't, legally. Three shotguns (three!), no shells. Vexing. And the military won't take me (despite excellent aim). But, meh.

And why would someone gag about body parts on shoes? Gore can be washed or wiped off. I'm sure he takes showers occasionally. Then again, wave a beef heart at someone and they'll leave the room gagging. And it is hilarious.

Crusty said...

Anonymous Suicidal Person,

Again, I don't know why you suicidal people post your desires to kill yourself on my blog.

For the most part, I don't really care if you kill yourself, unless I personally know you. Do we personally know eachother? If so, let me know, and I'll decide if I want to talk to you out of it.

If I don't know you, I don't really care if you kill yourself, and even if I did care (which I can't afford to do, since it would consume way too much of my available emotion), I don't think I could tell you anything which would change your mind.

Go search for "Doug Stanhope Suicide," listen to what he has to say, then decide if you want to kill yourself, I guess.

The only part of me that cares that you want to kill yourself is the part of me that sort of wishes that I had no will to live. I'm sort of jealous. If I had no will to live, I would do so many cool things, which I won't currently do, because I don't want to die, and I don't want to hurt people or abdicate my responsibilities.

I would become the V for Vendetta guy, I would become a mercinary, I would do wild stunts, I would become a superhero, I would do human experiments on myself, I would sell myself to science and let them do experiments on me, I would sell my body parts, I would assasinate a tyrannical dictator or become a hitman for the CIA...the list could go on forever...there's so many exciting things you could do with a life you don't want anymore.

It's just kind of sad to hear that someone, who doesn't care to live anymore, is willing to kill themselves in such a lame, boring, unproductive, forgettable way.

Anonymous said...

Thanks. I'm going to do this tonight

Anonymous said...

I found this post because I wanted to kill myself. The net has answers to most things. Apart from being "satirical". Th earticale makes some very good points.

I will make sure that I take these things into consideration.

I troied to self harm once but realised that I was too ashamed to bere the scares.

I decided there nd themn that i would hode my depression until t ws too great.

I guess that thats hpw the majority of people live.

Well screw them, I cant see the "happy times" ahead Ive been diagnosed with a dibilitating deasese in ts infancy. What the fuck have i gor to struggle for.

I have a two year old. But hey he is just going to have to grow up with a spastic dad.

Gutted for him if i finish it while he is two hopeully i wil just be a sad tale that help him bed girls.


Medic Sierra said...

Sure, off yourself and leave your 2 year old to wonder why his daddy left him... left to wonder what HE did to cause his daddy to kill himself. You selfish prick. So you've got a debilitating disease ... be a fucking adult and deal with your problems rather than run from them AND YOUR CHILD.

Do you really think you're the only person in the world to have to face a disease like yours? Your disease doesn't make you less of a person, your fucking attitude does.


Mariella said...

I suffer from chronic depression
and I don`t appreciate your idiotic and cynical sense of humour. I`m sure that you don`t know how painful it is to feel so depressed and hopeless. You feel rejected and unwanted by everyone and your only wish is to die.How can you be so cruel???

Crusty said...


I'm not normally this compassionate, but I thought I'd inform you that you're depressed and hopeless because you ignore the cause and effect relationship between what you do and what happens to you.

This blog (and anyone or anything else in your life) is not the cause any of your problems; you are the cause of all your problems.

If this blog creates any amount of discomfort in you, be personally responsible & accountable, and don't read it.

Anonymous said...

i'm doing an investigation on depression and suicide and thanks to you, my research is backed up that the people who are supposed to be helping young people with depression and thoughts of suicide, really do not give a shit. it's no wonder that so many people actually commit to commiting suicide because they believe that no one, not even the fuckin ambos will help them get back up again. no matter what your intentions for this blog was, you have no right to post this shit. i don't even see how it can be funny. you really should consider changing your profession because clearly your not interested in helping these people. i don't care if it was just some dark humor or whatever. this is a serious issue and it shouldn't just be made fun of because you're fed up with people attempting suicide and not succeeding.if your so fucking fed up with it do something about it!!!

Crusty said...

Anonymous Misdirected, Angry, Emotionally Fragile Person,

You sound like a very distinguished scholar. Your "investigation" must be riveting. I don't know how you possible deduced that I don't care about people committing suicide from anything I wrote. You uncovered my deepest thoughts and left me emotionally naked and vulnerable.

I believe you just uncovered the most important information a formerly delusional person like yourself could have possible realized...


In fact, that is generally the purpose of this entire point out that I should not be getting a paycheck from the government to drive an ambulance, and neither should anyone else. We are worthless. Ambulances are worthless, and they are a waste of government money. The people on the ambulance don't really care about you; they just have to act like they care enough to continue getting a paycheck...the same as all government employees and politicians. In fact, there have been times when I've started to feel like I care about someone, but I've had to control those urges because if I allowed myself to care about all these people out there, I would have no emotional capacity or time to care about myself & my family. I would be an emotionally fragile mess, like you, allowing other people (& blogs) to control my emotions.

Politicians & government employees all say what they have to say to get delusional people to give them more money and power. If they tell you otherwise, they are lying to you. I happen to be a good enough actor to be able to continue getting paychecks from dumb, gullible people like you.

Hopefully your new-found discovery about government politicians & employees will lead you to realize that YOU are the only person you can rely on to help yourself. You need to be personally responsible & accountable, and you need to stop relying on other people (especially the government) to take care of you.

You, and people like you, were obviously not ready to read this blog. It was meant for people with the emotional maturity to realize that they are responsible for their own emotions...people who realize that nobody else can be blamed for the way you feel. If you lack the ability to control your emotions when you read something you don't like on the internet, then you should stop reading it. In fact, I am hereby putting you on restriction from looking at anything on the internet until you realize that you are the only person you can blame for the way you feel. Check in from time to time, and I'll let you know if you're ready.

Crusty said...

I forgot to mention...

People don't commit suicide because of the government and people like me.

People commit suicide because they have chosen to not control their emotions, or because they lack the intellect or honesty to realize that THEY are the cause of their emotions, and all their other problems.

I just taught you possibly the most important key to a successful, happy existence. You're welcome.

Anonymous said...

You said, "I don't really care if you kill yourself, and even if I did care (which I can't afford to do, since it would consume way too much of my available emotion), I don't think I could tell you anything which would change your mind."

Then it sounds to me like the problem is that you do care (you are a human being after all), which is partly why you are so angry. Because, as you say, you don't have the emotional resources to take on all that extra pain (as no one has). And by venting your frustration with these people who selfishly force you to face horrific things it partly helps you to deal with it. It's understandable that you'd be pissed off if you work your arse off to save people's lives, and then someone just comes along and appears to throw all your efforts back in your face by killing themselves. It must feel like carefully building sandcastles, protecting them from the tide, and then having some kids constantly trampling them down. So you're angry. But you know, it's not possible to be angry about something you don't care about.

Anonymous said...

It also appears from your writing that you don't fully comprehend what it's like to be suicidal and I hope you never have to (correct me if I'm assuming wrongly- that's just how it comes across). Equally, I can't even begin to imagine how horrific your job must be when witnessing such scenes, and it is probably as difficult for me to understand your job as for you to understand the people you deal with.

Don't want to criticise, but I would say that if I was reading this article while feeling suicidal, I can honestly say it would make me feel more that way (although I realise your aim was mainly to be satirical and vent your frustration, not to dissuade people). Of course, you're right in a sense about an individual being the master of his/her own feelings. At the same time, I think it is important to be responsible when writing online, since you can influence so many people.

When someone is suicidal, they generally lack self-esteem, feel isolated and a failure, so being made fun of and told how pathetic they will be by killing themselves will either make a person feel more depressed, or more isolated since it feels they are being ridiculed, or make them angry enough to prove you wrong and actually go through with it and "succeed" at something. Even if the logic is flawed, that's how it works. Contrary to popular belief, when you're suicidal, realising that it will devastate a lot of people's lives is often the first thing on your mind. You don't need to be reminded of that- it's frankly a bit patronising as it's so obvious. Being told you are selfish or cowardly is simply unproductive too, since you already feel like a failure anyway, and being told you are more of one will only steel your resolve. It's certainly not going to make you change your mind, since it's not even relevant (Of course it's selfish from your relatives' point of view, but that doesn't change the fact you feel like shit and every day is torture). At the end of the day, no matter how pathetic or selfish or cowardly you think a suicidal person is for being that way, telling them that (and making them feel more stupid and ashamed) is the most unlikely way to make them change. It's just basic psychology.

These attitudes are paradoxically what make it so hard for someone to move on from suicidal feelings. Every time they make progress, someone comes along with the old "selfish/cowardly/loser/weak/ungrateful/attention seeking" etc cliches, and the failure feelings resurface. It just slows down any recovery. The irony is that so many people who get annoyed about suicidal people and want them to appreciate life are the very people who are preventing them doing so.

(Think about it: if you told an obese person how ugly, disgusting and unhealthy you thought they were, how you thought they were unattractive, and how you predicted that they would suffer major health complications and die young, would you expect that to motivate them to exercise? I doubt it. But if you showed them love, accepted them where they were, didn't judge them, inspired them with the possibility of changing and becoming healthy, and motivated them along the way, showing them that they do have the power to change their lives (which they do) then they just might. Same goes for smokers or drinkers. After all, it's not like people aren't aware of their situation or the side-effects.)

What you said here is spot on though: "I believe the purpose of life is to improve yourself and the world around you. By committing suicide, you are squandering that opportunity."

Crusty said...


It is true that my initial reaction on a suicide call is to care a little. However, most of my emotion is a result of my feelings for the family/friends. Then, I have to decide to care less or not care at all.

It is also true that my anger is derived from the fact that I care. However, it is not derived from me caring about the suicidal individual; it is derived from me caring about the socialist 911 system, and the general abuse of it.

My post was meant to be satirical, humorous (by way of being shocking, mostly), and it was intended to provide a little bit of a message.

I've said it a million times...other people are not the cause of a person's desire to commit suicide or feelings of being a failure; an individual person is cause of his/her own emotions. The entire reason people end up having bouts with depression is because they lack a fundamental understanding of the cause and effect relationship between themselves and their emotions (or themselves and the world around them, in general). I imagine you're struggling with this concept yourself.

Telling me that my writings are causing their problems only encourages other people to continue blaming their emotional state on other people. If anything, people need to be helped in realizing that they are the cause of all their emotional problems, they are the only cause, and they are the only one who can fix the problem.

Anonymous said...

Im going to kill my self. not to hurt any one but becuse ever time i look in the mirrow i see a failur a person her mom never even wonted I am the person that makes everyone so unhappy in my life without me someone would take care of my kids and they will have a chance to be happy because I can never live with giving them up cus i love them to much so the only way to save them is to be gone and hope oneday thay could understand and forgive me for not wonting to be unhappy another day i have nuthing but love to give my 6 babies and that dont how much food on the table and a roof over their head

Crusty said...


If you read the prior comments, you'll find several empty promises from pre-suicidal losers. Why do you people post your suicide threats on here? Are you hoping I'll talk you out of it? Are you trying to make me feel bad?

The only thing more pathetic than threatening suicide is posting your dumbass threat on this blog. Go tell some Pastor or suicide crisis hotline or something, if you want a bunch of cliche advice and sympathetic pleas to not kill yourself (which do no good).

I won't talk you out of it or feel bad, but I will tell you this, though... YOU ARE A LIAR, and you're life is not going to get any more manageable until you figure out you're a liar, and you choose to change it.

You're not thinking about killing yourself because you care about your kids and people around you. You're thinking about killing yourself because you're selfish, you ignore the cause & effect relationship between what you do and what happens to you (in other words, everything that happens to you is YOUR fault), and you're unwilling to make changes in your life that lead to ultimate happiness for you and your family.

Your family will never get over the fact that you killed yourself. They'll always be mad at you for being selfish and leaving them. In fact, they'll probably consider suicide as an option one day also (the easy, selfish way out). Think about that on your way out.

If you couldn't afford to have kids, you should have never had them. That was selfish too, and it's 100% your fault. Now that you have them, you could figure out a way to support them, if you wanted to; but I'd bet you're unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary to do that (again, selfish). Imagine some poor Ethiopian mother threatening to kill herself because she's poor...not likely...she's not as selfish as you. If you're unwilling to make those sacrifices, then you should at least give them to someone who can take care of them. By refusing to give them up, you're also being selfish. You're not concerned about what's best for them; you're only concerned about how it makes you feel...also a big, pathetic, selfish lie.

Just the fact that you posted your suicide threat on this blog is a lie. You're not really about to kill yourself; you just want people to feel bad for you, tell you how much they care about you, tell you how good a person you are for caring so much about your kids, or tell you that things aren't your fault.

Either stop lying to yourself, and go make changes in your life (which is possible, if you're willing); or go kill yourself and get it over with without making empty threats and selfishly trying to drag other people into it in an attempt to get attention.

Anonymous said...

hi Crusty--thanks for this post. I work in health care too & care for my elderly mentally ill mother, so I get close to the edge sometimes...this reminded me that taking the chicken way out wouldn't solve a thing.

And Jean Poole upthread posting that great quote from Dorothy Parker = WIN. :)

Sailagurrl said...

Wow crusty, I think I love you. THANK YOU!!! For being honest about the entire mess that is suicide. If people want to die, they would, they wouldn't be posting on a blog! It is abusing the system, these attention seeking deros, a waste of time, money and attention. But seriously, this blog made my day! And for anyone commenting that others don't understand exactly What dark depression feels like, almost everyone has been there at some stage and the only difference between them and the suicidee tryhards is the fact That they made the decision to change. It is personal guys, you can't blame anyone else for this. You can't even blame the blog that says what so many people feel. I will admit to being one of the failed attempters, but in my shame, I told noone and spent my time getting better and coping with my own stupid decision. If I had read this blog then, or had someone tell me I was being a selfish idiot, that would have helped. Now if only all the other idiots could come to the Same conclusion...

Anonymous said...

Thank you, I needed this! I'll just ignore the red text. I was an attention-seeker in my younger years, but as my disease has progressed and my quality of life greatly decreased, I look forward to sleep. I HOPE it's sleep, I sure don't want to do this life thing again, unless of course "god" or whatever finally stops fucking it up. I've got a hollow-point waiting in the next room, just have to decide where to use it, perhaps a trip to the desert where my body will be eaten... having my cunt mother find me in her backyard might be nice too. Should be bad-ass, seeing as I'll beat the female stereotype. Wish me luck!

(41, divorced, childless, Brittle Type 1 Diabetic, failed pancreas transplant, gastroparesis, spinal fusion, thyroid, major depression)

Anonymous said...

I'd like to take a lot of people with me first, oh how I HATE people! How good would a killing spree be? I can't imagine anything better after a life of being the sweet, helpful, caring, always getting used and fucked-over idiot I've been, it doesn't do ANY good in the long run! I wish I had a virus to kill all human life, none of you are worthy of this planet! A big fuck-you to everyone! I hate you all! Successful suicide? Death by cop!

Ready! said...

How refreshing! Lovely article, "Encouraging Suicide"

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way dude. LIFE SUCKS!!!

Anonymous said...

I have tried twice and failed cause I am a failure at everything! What gods plan for me is endless pain! My last attempt I Shit and pissed myself, thought for sure I was a gonner. I want to try hanging myself where the drug overdose didn't work. My best friend succeeded that way so maybey I will!

kara said...

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I am one of the 'mentally ill' people that wants to kill themselves. the whole post made me feel yeah I am definitely going to do it, but now I feel llke I can hold on a little longer, even though I know people will never like me and I will never be normal...

it sucks, but this life is over one day, and I have had multiple out of body experiences so i do know that there's somethng after life... just looking for a successful way to commit suicide now, thanks so much for your help.

and you're right, people don't care about me, they have said that to my face, and my parents? they're sociopaths so they don't know how to love...

the only person that loved and liked me was my wife, and in the end she died from a heart attack due to my incompetence, so thanks man, you have made me realise suicide is the best option..

so I will shut up now!.. otherwise you're going to think I'm one of those wussies

Crusty said...


It's too late...anytime anyone posts their desire to commit suicide on this blog, they're already considered to be a attention-seeking poser.

If you were serious about committing suicide you would never post your intent to do it on this blog or any other website. If you were serious about it, I would never hear from you...nobody would just do it. If you post your intent to commit suicide on this blog, you're looking for a way out, you're looking for someone to talk you out of it, or you're just looking for attention.

Unfortunately, that is not the purpose of this blog. I'm not here to talk you out of it.

Frankly, it's not that hard to commit suicide. The only real difference between success and failure in committing suicide is committment/real desire.

I'm not encouraging you to commit suicide. In fact, I don't think you should...I don't think anyone should. Your desire to kill yourself is very self-absorbed.

I just had a funny thought...please refer to my next comment...

Crusty said...

Funny thoughts...

If you're someone who's threatening to commit suicide, I'd be willing to bet that if somebody broke into your house right now and put a gun to your head, you'd turn into a scared little bitch, willing to say or do anything to stay alive (I would too, but I'm not threatening suicide).

When people are put in a life-or-death situation, the last thing they think about is how miserable their life is.

People also don't usually commit suicide in places where people are generally struggling to survive. All they think about is how they're going to survive the next day or find their next meal. They don't have the time or energy to think about how psychologically miserable they are because nobody likes them, or because they are dishonest and unable to learn from their mistakes.

In addition, misery seems like much more of a relative state than an absolute state. People are only miserable, when they compare themselves to other people who are less miserable than they are. When you are surrounded by people dying of starvation and other natural causes, due to destitute circumstances, you're probably going to think things are pretty good for you.

It's interesting that suicide is kind of a symptom of a luxurious lifestyle.

I'd bet I could create a pretty effective suicide rehab facility by simply putting people in life-or-death situations, in which they have to fight for their lives (like the movie Saw). They'd lose their desire to commit suicide real quick.

Crusty said...




Anonymous said...

Thanks for the tips crusty
really appreciated
i hope i make the paramedics proud when they see my bloody corpse!

Crusty said...

Whoever wrote "Thanks for the tips crusty really appreciated i hope i make the paramedics proud when they see my bloody corpse!" is definitely a suicide-poser. There's no way someone that funny is actually suicidal.

Anonymous said...

Should I hold the gun up to my temple or further back by my ear?

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much. I know it says you don't actually want to help people commit suicide, but you helped me. I'm 13 and I have already made my choice to commit suicide, and you gave me the inspiration and tips to help me do it. I will probably be dead by the time anyone actually reads this, so, yeah....thanks again!

Anonymous said...

I have to say thank you.... After reading all this and your disclaimer... I no longer wish to commit suicide. I am actually laughing ... Nothing is ever as horrible as it seems... Everything broken can be fixed
> saved a soul tonight

Anonymous said...

Yeah....if you mean what you say in your disclaimer, I think you should make the font a little bigger. Because only I would read it. In any case, even though you said in the disclaimer that it was all satirical, i agree with almost everything you said. not that no one cares. i know people care and that's what makes it difficult.

Anonymous said...

so what is the distence of fall with a rope do you need to make sure you break your neck

Anonymous said...

Thanks for writing this. I was considering asphixiation as an easy and less painful method, but now I'll definitely work harder at obtaining a gun or cyanide.

Anonymous said...

this is hilarious but helpful. next to last attempt i was so embrassed to be called a sleeper. the last one would have been completed if my son hadn't walked in room and damn pesky strong maternal instinct pulled me back.... always check into nice hotel and scare crap out of maid

Anonymous said...

I saw your disclaimer about suicide being selfish. How can you say that? When I was seven my own FATHER raped me! In the bathtub! He sold me to his friends, and I kept being hurt all the way until I was sixteen! Then this year I was babysitting and the stupid dad did the same thing to me! I want to die! If I commit suicide, you are saying that I am more selfish than they are? You are basically saying that I am worse than them! I didn't ask to be born nor did I ask to have that happen! Selfish are the people trying to keep everybody around even though they are suffering!

Crusty said...

Anonymous raped girl...

I don't usually feel inspired to respond to comments on this blog post, because most of them are attention-seeking, lame suicide threats, which are intended to get me to react to them with some sort of emotion or get me to indulge them by reinforcing their feelings of helplessness or depression.

I felt inspired to respond to your comment because I feel like, if you truly listen to what I have to say, it could change your life. I don't actually believe you're interested in hearing what I have to say...I imagine you're more interested in telling ME how to think and attempting to get me to agree with you that you are a helpless victim of life's circumstances.

I don't actually believe you're about to commit suicide; I think you just want to feel justified in considering it; and you want other people to reinforce your feelings of victimhood.

I never meant to imply that you would be worse for killing yourself than other people are for raping you. Raping someone is one of the most dispicable things someone can do to someone else.

Rape involves physically harming/violating someone against their will. I believe the worst thing a human can do is to physically harm someone else or their property against their will.

All human behavior is done for self-serving reasons. Doing something self-serving is not bad. I believe doing something self-serving is bad when it causes harm to other people. Then I believe it is selfish (or greedy, if it takes something from someone else).

When you kill yourself, you are doing something to yourself, for yourself, that you think will relieve your distress (self-serving). Killing yourself does not physically harm someone else or their property against their will (in most cases), which makes it less egregious than raping someone. However, it does tend to lead other people to feel emotional distress, which I believe makes it a selfish act. The act becomes even more selfish when the person committing suicide has friends, co-workers, kids, or family that depend on them. When someone has responsibilities they are neglecting by killing themselves, then it is very selfish.

Aside from the fact that committing suicide is generally selfish, THE TRUTH IS, it doesn't do anything helpful to the person committing suicide.

I believe our consciousness/spirits are eternal, and I believe in existence after death, or reincarnation, or whatever you want to call it. When you kill yourself, you inflict consequences upon your own consciousness, which at some point, will have to be resolved (call it Karma, if you want).

In addition, whatever misery you felt that caused you to kill yourself, will continue to exist after you kill yourself. Life, and the obstacles/misery you face in life, are an opportunity for you to improve your being. When you kill yourself, you are squandering an opportunity to fix something about yourself that needs to be fixed; and at some point, you're going to have to face the same problems in order to fix that flaw.


Crusty said...

Anonymous raped girl (continued)...

If you are experiencing suffering, it is because there is an aspect of your being which needs to be improved. You did not necessarily cause someone to rape you, but you DID cause yourself to react the way you did to the rape. Your emotional reaction to something that was physically forced on you is the cause of your suffering, not the rape itself. In other words, YOU created the cause of your suffering, not the rapist. You continue to create more suffering for yourself as you continue to intensify your negative emotions toward what happened to you. 100% of the time, you are the cause of your own suffering, not the external world; and life is an opportunity to repair that aspect of yourself that causes the suffering.

You can't change what physically happens to you, in a lot of cases, but you can definitely change how you react to what happens to you. You don't have to be miserable. It is a choice you are making. You are completely capable of controlling all your emotions and reactions to external circumstances.

There are a lot of people in many other countries who are raped constantly or otherwise violated by other people. I'm not saying it's OK to rape people; in fact, I'd like to see the rapists be savagely neutered. However, in other countries, in which there are stark cultural differences pertaining to rape, and people are generally struggling to put food on their plates; women are not as emotionally affected by being raped. They don't have the time or energy to think about it too much; and the culture doesn't encourage them to worry about it as much.

That's why I say that 'feeling miserable is a symptom of a luxurious lifestyle.' In first and second world countries, we encourage eachother to feel very victimized by being raped, and we encourage eachother to wallow in our victimhood...wallow in the emotions.

I believe you should do what it takes to physically protect yourself from being raped, even if that means killing the person trying to rape you; and I believe you should do what it takes to stop him from doing it to someone else, like reporting him to the law or taking action yourself (like cutting off his nuts).

However, I do not believe you should wallow in the emotion of victimhood. It is true that you were a victim, but that doesn't mean that you have to feel victimized, or wallow in your victimhood.

You should also avoid being around other people or absorbing media that encourages you to feel angry, hurt, betrayed, guilty, victimized, or other negative emotions.

Be like the people in third world countries who are struggling to eat food everyday, and decide that you don't have the time or energy to feel victimized. People who are struggling to survive don't kill themselves very often...they're too worried about surviving to think about how bad things are, or how they should kill themselves.

By the way, I'm not interested in hearing your rebuttal to this if you want to talk me into thinking that your should continue feeling bad for yourself and continue thinking that you should commit suicide. I'm only interested in hearing your rebuttal if you're interested in hearing more about how you can change the way you emotionally REACT to what happens to you.

Anonymous said...

thanks crusty this is all the info i need. one question though, how do i go through with a plan if my parents are stopping at nothing to try to protect me. atm i cant be left alone at all. Ive already attempted lodes of times...

Anonymous said...


Amazing how four years after you posted this blog article it is still active and you still get responses to it. I googled "most effective suicide techniques" and stumbled upon this post. I admit that I am only window shopping, as it were, since I often contemplate suicide, but have never "committed" to it. Nietzsche once wrote: "The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night."
(Pardon the reference and the ones that might follow: Having spent seven years on a degree in philosophy is one of the reasons why I think about killing myself).

I won't get into my personal troubles, medical, psychological or otherwise, suffice to say that it's me who has to deal with them. Both of the times that I attempted suicide were half-assed, and ultimately showed me that what I really wanted was to live. And luckily, nobody witnessed my failed attempts. This should also indicate to you Crusty, as a paramedic who has seen the outcome of both failed and successful suicides, that these were in fact fake attempts; mere setups that were potentially fatal. I could back away from them at the critical moment. So I was a wuss, but as I said, I really didn't want to die. I was in pain, and the pain felt real. It felt that it would just go on for the rest of my days and I wanted it to end.

More recently, when contemplating suicide, I've thought more about the mess. It goes hand in hand with the feeling of being unworthy of the air one breathes or of the space one takes up on the bus. If I don't do something that kills me and disposes of my body at the same time (the unlikely opportunity to jump into a volcano), then someone will have to deal with my carcass. Heraclitus said, "Corpses are more fit to be thrown out than shit." I'm sure that whoever has to deal with my body will agree with him (i.e. manchmedic).

Love can also be a deal-breaker with suicide. There are individuals in the world who I love and those who love me (in spite of a personality disorder that I sometimes can't fully control). I could never do such a thing to them, just as I would never hurt them physically. It would destroy me if someone in my family or a close friend killed themselves, so why would I do that to them?

I think about some of the people I knew who committed suicide, mostly friends and acquaintances, and of how much I wished they were still a part of this world. They make me think of my own lack of courage in contrast to some ideal I have about them; that they had the conviction and the strength to carry through an unequivocal and successful suicide. I know that this is only an ideal image of them, but I was never close enough to see the signs. I liked them, enjoyed being with them and saw their merits, even if they didn't see it in themselves.

Anonymous said...

(...continued from above...)

The problem here is that self-worth is precisely that: "Self" worth. Nobody in the world can show it to you. I agree with you that helplines and other forms of reaching out will only give a false, illusory sense of personal value. It's not because the people on the other end of the line are insincere and care only about themselves, but because they can't fill the emptiness in the soul, erase the sense of hopelessness, eliminate the pain. But the game is over only when you say it's over. You fight and you fall and you fight and you fall and you fight. It's like the punishment of Sisyphus: an eternity of rolling a boulder up a hill to have it roll down again, and you start over. You acknowledge the pain, the insufficiency, the solitude: become one with it, and there you find that you are living. My reasons to live are illogical: and whether or not there are signs that things will get better, they are my reasons.

I also like the idea that if you want to die and have lost the fear of dying, then give yourself over to another life. Join the military, volunteer to give aid in a dangerous place, whatever you can think of to get into a life-or-death situation. Chances are that either a brush with death or becoming part of a community of people who want to survive, will show you what it is to live and make you want to live all the more. "That which does not kill you..." You know the rest.

Anyway, what I've been saying pretty much the same thing throughout: I think about suicide. It gets me through many a dark night.

Thanks for the company.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

burn out...try upgrading your skills from driver to paramedic...

Crusty said...

The worst thing a person can do to avoid burnout is become a paramedic. They run paramedics ragged here. I actually went to paramedic school (completed a large portion of it and did really well). I got out of the program because I found out it was not worth the additional pay.

Crusty said...

'No help wat so ever'...

I've given you the most important knowledge anyone could ever give you on committing suicide. You won't find this knowledge ANYWHERE else on the internet.

You would have to be a total dumbass to not know how to kill yourself (which you might be). There are a million ways to kill yourself. Nobody needs to know methods of killing yourself...that part is easy.

However, the real key to committing suicide is knowing that to commit suicide, you must be committed to committing suicide.

If you were committed to committing suicide, I would have never heard from you. In fact you probably would have never read this blog. You definitely would never post a comment declaring your intent to commit suicide. That's what posers do. You posted a comment because you were hoping to get some sort of reaction from me without actually killing yourself.

I'm not encouraging you to be committed, in fact I guess I'd prefer you weren't committed; I'm just pointing out that you're not committed.

Crusty said...

'Thanks for the company'...

I read your comments the day you posted them. You're definitely not the typical commentor.

I didn't really have anything to say to you, but I also didn't think you were looking for a response. Maybe you wondered if I read your comments and if I enjoyed them...I did and did.

Recently, I thought of something to say to you. I don't know if it's appropriate for your situation, but I wanted to point out a couple of things. Hopefully it will be helpful some day.

I don't think it's unhealthy to think about suicide and how, or under what conditions, you might commit suicide. In fact, I believe a healthy, objective person contemplates it on occasion, if only enough to realize it's not a good option.

I think the biggest difference between someone who is content and someone who is suffering is perspective. Suffering is caused by Desire, Aversion, and Ignorance. To avoid suffering, change what you perceive to be necessary for a happy existence, stop putting so much effort into fearing the inevitable or disliking your circumstances, learn the cause & effect relationships between what you do and what happens to you, and learn how to achieve the effects which are most harmonious for your life by creating the corresponding causes.

I also thought you should check out a podcast, which I really liked...Seth Farber "The Spiritual Gift of Madness"...


Send me an e-mail, if you feel the desire at

Anonymous said...

Fuck you. You rude cunt.

Anonymous said...

Well said! !! We are not selfish we are in severe emotional pain and even the shrinks cannot help us with the meds we end up getting addicted to that really do not help at all.

Crusty said...

Anybody can call me names...I'm fine with that. I actually think it's funny and enjoy it to some extent. But I can't let your fallacious statement go unchecked...

You say "We are not selfish we are in severe emotional pain and even the shrinks cannot help us..."

First, there is no "we"; there is only "you." Your problems are created by YOU, and they are only solved by YOU.

You are in severe emotional pain because you choose to be in severe emotional pain. Some things that happen to you in life are not a choice, but you choose how you react to them, and you choose your emotional state. You choose to be in severe emotional pain because you get some sort of reward out of it (selfish?).

I know you like to think you are a victim of some sort of emotional condition, and you, along with a bunch of other people, share this condition, and together you all wallow in your misery and victimhood, and reinforce eachother's helplessness.

No shrink can help you because ultimately you have to help yourself...not a shrink and not a shrink's drugs. You haven't decided to fix yourself yet, and that's why you haven't gotten better.

I'm pretty sure you enjoy acting like you're trying to get well, so that other people think your problems can't be fixed, that way you can continue acting like victim with severe incurable problems, without being questioned.

Your ultimate goal would probably be to get some doctor to declare that your problems are incurable so you can tell everyone that even a doctor said you couldn't be fixed...that way you don't have to feel accountable for acting like an idiot...'it's not me; it's my incurable, severe condition.'

flynfirefighter said...

cant we all get along.. and agree to dissagree..?

flynfirefighter said...

Well, I must first admit... I came to this site really interested in finding ways to do it.. I have many guns, but they are all locked away in a safe.. and Im too big a pussy to shoot myself.. I always thought I'd just overdose, but what if I mess up and just cause some debilitating health problem and end up living with someone seeding me and wiping my ass every time I crapp.. Then there is the dramatic jumping off a building, but the fear that I'd feel walking close to the edge would keep me from ever doing it that way.. then there was one guy who offed himself a while ago near where I live... he turned his car into the path of a loaded fule truck... it could have killed or injured someone else.. and that is not fair suicide I think... no one else should ever get physically hurt during your suicide.. now drowning is a choice I never much considered... I'd have to weight myself with chains or locks.. dont want to have that opportunity of saving myself... then there is basic asphixia... I could barly spell it.. dont know how to do it other than yes... car exhaust... thet would do it... OH.. almost forgot hanging... now there is a way to say.. "I deserve to die".. again hot sure I could do it that way...although it would certainly f*k my wife up for a bit... ??? or would it...??? So in the end, I am just too damn chicken to kill myself... maybe I get enough pitty from myself listening to my pathetic rants to make me feel a bit better about my crappy fu**ing life.. too bad Im not eskimo..because Im old and usless enough they'd send me adrift on a berg with a six pack od Bud..
Farewell cruel world...

Anonymous said...

Despite the sarcasm I really appreciate you laying out the different methods. To be honest I hadn't thought of tall buildings, rather silly of me I know. And also you helped me realize some of the things I'll need to overcome, like the will to live. I hope I'll have the courage once I get everything planned and don't back out. Like you said it's cowardice to survive suicide. (And just so you know I'm not being sarcastic at all, I really do appreciate your help. You have my deepest thanks!)

Crusty said...

flynfirefighter, at some point, you may just want to admit to yourself that you're ultimately not interested in killing yourself. If you're scared of dying, then you're not really suicidal. I think you probably like the dramatics of talking about it, and you probably like the response you get from other people when you talk about it; but if you're scared of tall buildings or shooting yourself, then you're not really looking to die.

OD'ing is the ultimate cop-out for committing suicide. People OD because they're hoping it doesn't work. They're hoping they can back out or someone will find them and save them.

Crusty said...'re an attention seeker. Thanks for reading the blog post though.

What's wrong with all of you people that you lack the ability to figure out how to kill yourself? It's so easy. Most people are struggling to NOT die.

I've probably said it before, but I'll say it again. I think all of you are a waste of suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I wish I was as uninterested in living as all of you act like you are. I'd do some cool heroic shit that people would be talking about for hundreds of years. I can't specify what that would be, because DHS would come after me; but go watch V for Vendetta or Fight Club for some clues.

At the least, you could just go disappear and try to survive up in the mountains or in the jungles of South America somewhere...that would be cool. The problem with that is you'd probably end up enjoying life and not wanting to die after a short while, and that's not what you want. You want to kill yourselves and make other people feel bad.

Anonymous said...

Dear Crusty...

Um sorry, I didn't mean to anger you. And honestly I wasn't trying to get attention, I just felt truly thankful and wanted to express my gratitude. It was a big relief to find a method that really fits me. And one that once enacted I can't back out of.

A part of me knows what you're saying is true. I've fought for a long time to stay alive, it's just I'm exhausted. I don't think I can do it anymore. I just want to rest and not battle all these emotions every day. I've thought about it and there isn't anyone close enough to me to be shattered by my death. My family abused me throughout my childhood (Rape, torture, beatings etc.) and it still effects me horribly. I don't have the money to get therapy, and I don't want to to in debt or use tax payer money with a government program. Jumping seems like the most efficient option, however I don't want to traumatize people the way I've been. Now that I think about it maybe it'd be better if I went somewhere in the middle of nowhere, that way no one would find me and get messed up.

Anyway sorry that was kind of long, you don't have to take the time to reply to this. I'm not trying to get sympathy so you answering isn't necessary. I don't want to depress you with all this information. Your blog is really good, I wasn't expecting you to reply to my comment and it was a nice surprise. And it's wonderful of you to try and convince me suicide is stupid. Like I said the rational part of my brain knows you're right, it's just all this other stuff is too overwhelming.

Anonymous said...

Gah I just realized what a bad idea it was to post the first comment. Why would it bring you happiness to know part of your blog helped me in my suicidal plans? I'm very sorry. :/ If you want to and it's possible delete my comments. I don't mind. To try and make up for my mistake I'll ask you something about you. Um....what's it like helping people in their medical emergencies? I'd imagine its tough, but is it rewarding as well? (Again, I apologize for the first comment. My joy at finding a solution blinded me to what was best for you.)

Anonymous said...

An interesting blog post and the comments and replies are all very incisive and to your face.

Just trying to clear my doubts about the things we tell people who are suicidal for any reason. When one tells people who don't fear dying to enlist in the military, go volunteer in dangerous places, etc. are we also reminding ourselves there's no need to save them at all if we happen to witness them suffering?

Have you thought about publish this post and some relevant comments into a satirical self-help book? I mean it makes perfect sense to any one who's suicidal to read what you and others have written here than having to be persuaded to spend money on numerous visits to mental health professionals.

After reading your post, I am thinking of whether I should repeat the main points you have mentioned about self-victimization, not having whatever it takes to face one's problems and learn good lessons from them, to people who are suicidal or attention-seeking.

I think I should stop applying the basic counselling skills I have learnt - saying things like "I'm listening, I empathise," etc. It's just a waste of time. Why should I worry about such people going to commit suicide if they can't accept the truth about their emotions and attitudes? I don't have to feel bad at all should such people feel that my words are harsh.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Crusty. You just helped me realize that I am an attention seeking poser. Now to get off my ass and live again. Sincerely, thank you.

BaisFaile said...

Crusty...thanks for handing people their balls back :)...everyone has them, just takes people like you and my husband to remind them where they are! Oh, and working EMS myself...I have to say great idea on the volunteering yourself idea...NICE!

Anonymous said...

You seem to think you 'know it all' Crusty and it amazes me that you are so hard-assed about people who are truly suffering and decide that perhaps they don't want to be alive for the very people who are making them suffer - how many kids do you have, Crusty? And do you realize that despite a lot of time put into kids, a lot of love and caring, that they too end up being 'self serving' adults and you wonder why you did all of those things of self-sacrifice for them? You make it seem like all of these mothers, fathers, children, people, friends, who on one hand you reassure us 'do not care a bit about you' are now suddenly going to be so damaged when in fact one commits suicide. But they don't care right? So your logic is circular. You remind of my eldest brother - the most selfish in the family. He has a quick answer to everyone and yet he is the most selfish, has always been. Thirty years ago he wouldn't spend more than an hour in the hospital when my dad was very sick and my mom was there to deal with it - he got grouchy and impatient and had to leave - we were left holding up 30 years of my father's illnesses while he went off, found women, found jobs, took care of himself, got his shirts done in Hong Kong, had one child that when it was his time to have parenting time with her, would drag my Mom and his 'at the time' girlfriend in to do it for him so he could read on the couch. His behavior goes on and on - he dumped the girlfriend of 5 years who stood by him, did his errands, cooked for him and he treated like s''t for a woman whom he thought would advance him socially in a company in the south - and then he lost the promotion and now he has a sickly wife with visual degeneration and he doesn't spend any time with her, he's up in NY looking for women to hook up with - And he has all the answers for the people in our family who went out of their way to help others, got more tired and worn down helping people we loved and he remained healthy, fit and still won't admit that he drinks way too much. In other words, he's a judgmental s. o. b. And he reminds me of you. You have al these canned answers for people about how they are being selfish and looking for attention and we don't know anything about you and your life experience - you're just preaching without revealing - you're probably some selfish guy who has never actually hurt for other human beings so it seems natural for you to write a silly generalistic blog which demeams the pain of those who are feeling suicidal. It's not natural to feel suicidal - and people don't 'choose' to feel that way because they are weak or looking for attention - they are in extreme amounts of pain, sometimes suffering for the people around them who are suffering - like seeing your daughter sick all the time, or people sick in the streets, or the general abomination which the world has become - and it makes them feel very bad because they have tried to make the world better - and it's still such a cruel hellish mess - You've probably lived a pretty good life, have a nice home and support system and sit there preaching how we are all being 'losers' because we can't 'buck up' and we happen to be wasting EMT time. I'd like to know how you treat the other people in your life who you are supposed to support and care for. You don't care enough to be suicidal. You're the 'world' in a nutshell and it is precisely why people who feel more feel suicidal - because You and your attitude about people represents the world they are living in, i.e. no compassion. If you want to heal people, be compassionate and don't call them losers. Only a loser calls someone else a loser. So look in the mirror, Crusty.

Anonymous said...

I have a sleep apnea condition I cannot solve. Been to many doctors and such; they simply can't figure out why I can't sleep right. CPAP is a joke, doesn't work, after countless sleep studies (6 years and going). With a million dollar life insurance premium and no job left (because of being sleep deprived and mentally unfit to work anymore), and pretty much being useless, this is my last resort. It will hurt my family of 4, but in the end, they will survive and be happy.

That's pretty much all I have to say. I'm going to take my clonazepam pills (about 15-20 .5MG), take 10 shots of 1800 Jose Quevo, and load a lot of beer. with all that in my system at once, my heart will gradually slow along with my breathing after I fall into a gentle coma. I won't feel a thing.
I'll finally be able to sleep.

Coward? No. A responsibility to take care of my family financially and to give them a new father (if wife wants another) to fulfill their lives. The money will be enough to pay off the home and other bills, with enough left over for them to live off 10 more years. My wife is younger and smarter than me, as well as my children..they'll be fine.. and my wife is one beautiful lady..she won't have a problem finding a better man anyway.


Crusty said...

How many times do I have to ask you suicidal losers to stop posting your BS threats to commit suicide on this blog post? This is not the place for it. I'm not here to talk to out of it. Your attention-seeking behavior gets you nothing here.

But since you did...I will use your post for entertainment purposes...

You could have tried eating a very healthy diet, losing 100 pounds, exercising everyday, and NOT taking stimulants to be able to sleep; but I'm pretty sure you're not looking for solutions here; you're looking for sympathy and attention, and you want to believe you are a helpless victim.

I've known a lot of people with sleeping problems. The first thing I ask them is if they take stimulants during the day (coffee, coke, tea, tobacco, etc.). The answer is always "yes." I say, "why don't you stop taking stimulants?" They say, "that's not an option." Then I think...'well then complaining about being a victim of sleeping problems shouldn't be an option.'

What about you exercise everyday? Imagine a caveman having trouble sleeping. You can't because it's not possible...they're busy all day, and they can't wait to sleep. ...Or imagine a dog wanting to die because it can't sleep...why are humans the only creatures with sleep problems?

The other category of 'sleep problems' is people who stop breathing at night. When was the last time you've ever seen someone with a nighttime breathing problem who is not at least 50 lbs. overweight? I guess it's possible to be skinny and still have nighttime breathing problems, but it's rare. I would wager that you're not a skinny man.

Have you tried sleeping in a saltwater float tank. They cost $5k-$10k, but it has to be a better option than killing yourself.

Again, I'm pretty sure you're not looking for solutions...I think you're just looking for more reasons to believe you are a helpless victim. Or, if that's not the case, what are you looking for? Why would you post your desire to take a bunch of pills and die on some asshole ambulance driver's blog?

Crusty said...

Anonymous Brother-hating Chick...

I'm not your brother. Your emotions are a choice. Choose not to be a victim of your emotions, like your brother.

My original blog post was satire. Satire doesn't always make logical sense, because it's kind of not real. If you kill yourself, people will probably be sad.

If you don't like something you read on the internet, click on that little red "X" in the upper right corner. It will make it all go away.

What were you hoping to get out of writing me? Were you hoping to make me feel bad? Were you hoping for answers to why your brother seems so callous? Did you want to tell me off, cause you never had the courage to say it directly to your brother? Are you suicidal? Do you believe your problems are caused by YOU, or do you believe they are caused by people like me (and your brother)?

Crusty said...

To the person who wrote "Thank you Crusty. You just helped me realize that I am an attention seeking poser. Now to get off my ass and live again. Sincerely, thank you."

That's possibly the greatest comment I've ever read on here...I really hope it's true that a potentially suicidal person was honest and introspective enough to realize the purpose of their suicidal behavior (attention-seeking, selfish, dishonest, attempts to punish the people around them).

I also hope that some people realize they cause their own problems and realize they have a choice. I'm skeptical but hopeful.

Crusty said...

To the person who wrote, "I think I should stop applying the basic counselling skills I have learnt - saying things like "I'm listening, I empathise," etc. It's just a waste of time. Why should I worry about such people going to commit suicide if they can't accept the truth about their emotions and attitudes? I don't have to feel bad at all should such people feel that my words are harsh."

I wholeheartedly agree with what you're saying, even though you're being sarcastic.

You say what you have to say because you're worried about not making money or potential lawsuits.

You think a suicidal person believes you when you say, "I understand" or "I empathise with you?" No, they don't. They just think you're saying what you have to say get their money, and they trust you even less.

The next time you're in a session with someone, think of what you'd really like to say in that situation. If you could say anything you wanted to say, what would be the thing you could say that would be most likely to cause that suicidal person to snap out of it?

I'll tell you what would make them snap out of it...not anything you would say, since they'd probably not be honest enough to internalize would be something you could do...

Put them in a life-or-death situation and watch them realize how much they don't want to die. Hire an employee to bust in and rob them at gunpoint or something.

You think people who are struggling to eat & survive have time or energy to think about killing themselves? Suicide is a symptom of luxury. ...and it's a symptom of dishonest, vengeful, selfish, attention-seeking, victimhood-craving people.

I believe you actually would be a more successful counselor if you were more brutally honest with your clients. Get right to the point, and it may actually be better for everyone. Tell them...

1. You're dishonest about the source of your problems (you).
2. You can't always control what happens to you, but you can control how you react (your emotions).
3. There's usually a cause and effect relationship between what you do and what happens to you. If you want good effects, change the causes.

Then again, if you tell them that, they'll probably just go find another counselor who will encourage them to wallow in their misery...maybe even diagnose them with something, so they can feel like it's not their fault; they're just a victim of some incurably hopeless condition...then you won't get any money out of them.

Already Dead said...

I completely agree with your comments about COMMITTING to commit suicide. If you are going to commit suicide, then do it and do it right. I can't stand to hear about failed suicide attempts. When I go, it will be done right, and there will be no body found. Unless someone just happens to be hiking in the middle of nowhere and accidentally stumbles over my skeleton. Why leave a body that will be easily discovered, which someone will have to pay a lot of money to bury. Leave your dead ass in the middle of the woods and help feed the wild animals and bugs. If you don't want to live, then at least make good use of all that fresh meat. After all, animals and bugs have to eat also.

The world is over populated as it is, and some need to leave to make room for the others. I have lived long enough and its time I left and made room for those who want to be here, and for those who have not yet been born. I'm anxious anyway to see what's on the other side, if there is another side. Anyway, thanks for your honest words about suicide Crusty.

Crusty said...

Nice...if you're convinced you need to kill yourself, disappearing without a trace is a semi-respectable way to do it. I'd prefer you go do something wildly adventurous until you die, but either way, at least you're not doing it for vengeful, victimhood reasons... Trying to make someone feel bad or get their attention.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, I've known for years this is what I wanted, just never had the nerve. Tried once, but was an epic fail, people found me. Next time I won't be where they can find me. My only problem is it needs to "look like an accident" I have great life insurance and I know my family would benefit from the money. I could really help them for a change. Any ideas?

Crusty said...

I'm not telling anyone they should commit suicide, especially if you have family or people who rely on you. I am saying there are probably better, more respectable ways of committing suicide than others.

I've always wished that suicidal people would use their lack of will to live to do something helpful or meaningful on their way out. I'm not talking about a school shooting or anything like that in which innocent people are killed (like Adam Lanza); that's lame to take innocent people with you...I'm talking about some kind of badass heroic shit, saving lives or ridding the world of oppressive tyrants (V for Vendetta).

If that's not appealing, then go do all the shit that people would love to do, but they don't because it might kill them...base-jumping, exploring the Amazon, hiking tall mountains, killing wild animals with a knife, scuba diving with sharks, racing cars or motorcycles on mountain roads, or going and living off the land somewhere, like "Into the Wild."

You're probably already a waste of life if you're on here talking about killing yourself, but don't be a waste of death.

BTW, if you want to kill yourself without the insurance company finding out, rule #1 is probably to not talk about it on the internet. They'll probably find that.

You failed last time, and you were found because that's what you wanted.

Anonymous said...

Fuck you you fucking goof, I shiuld expect this being your an underclass american peice of shit, no wonder EVERY OTHER COUNTRY HATES THE PATHETIC STATES OF AMERICA, WERE FAILURE IS SUCCESS, AND LOW LIFES EXCEL, and to those of you who gave this peice of shit props, SHIT WHY AM I MAD ALL AMERICANS ARE STUPID STUPID STUPID

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. I was obviously not committed to committing suicide as much as I hoped I was, but your post inspired me. If I don't really care to live, and don't find that much joy in life, why NOT use myself to try to do some good in the world? I am now applying to work with AIDS charities in South Africa. Sure, the risk of rape, infection and murder are high, but who cares? I'll be living something that resembles a life and helping others while I'm at it. There is a certain fearlessness in letting death come to you and feeling ready for it, but not having the inconsideration to leave everyone else behind to clean up your mess. God bless you.

A$$hole poser said...

When I'm in emotional pain, I fantasize about the act instead of doing the deed.
It doesn't solve the problem like an emotional adult would, but it does keep me
busy until the urge passes.

First, you're right, I don't really want to kill myself, and a lot of the time I
don't even think I want to kill myself. Other times, it's a childish, self-
indulgent, grand-standing fantasy (speaking solely for myself, here). The fact
that it's self-indulgent in no way lessens the pain, but I do try to be honest
with myself.

Second, killing oneself is rarely the problem, it's all the other qualifications
that we put on the act that makes it so hard. For example, here are the
characteristics I've determined constitute the "perfect" suicide:
1) It must not be painful, expensive, or inconvenient -- I *am* a wuss, after
2) It must not endanger anyone else -- you never know who's gonna walk beneath
you after you jump off a building.
3) It must be very quick, at least while I am still conscious -- once the
process can't be aborted, there must be no opportunity for me to wish I could
take it back.
4) It must be what computer scientists call "atomic", no half-measures -- either
I successfully killed myself or I was about to but didn't actually begin.
5) It must be neat -- like H. Beam Piper, I don't want to leave a mess for
others to clean up; this characteristic is irreconcilable with some of the
6) It must be clear that I am dead -- it's unfair to leave others wondering
whether I'm dead or will someday walk in through the door asking "Didja miss
7) It must be clear that I am responsible for the choice to die -- making it
look as if I had died by accident or misadventure so that my life insurance has
to pay up is no less theft than expecting my homeowner's insurance to pay up as
if the house I torched was destroyed by lightning. OTOH, if there is no suicide
exemption in the policy, they were betting I wouldn't do it; they were wrong.

The closest I could come to satisfying these criteria was to buy a sapling and
dig a hole for it somewhere. Cover the hole with a tarp and call the police,
asking them to come as soon as practical, making it clear what they will find
when they arrive; I want them to be the ones that find my remains, not some
unwitting passerby. Before they could possibly get there, fire a short-barreled
shotgun into my mouth, aimed through the center of my head such that the blast
won't leave the hole. If I go through with it, no mess except carting away the
husk; if I don't, I planted a pretty tree.

(continued in next post)

A$$hole poser said...

(continued from previous post)

Third, I agree with your observation about death not really being the end, any

> I believe our consciousness/spirits are eternal, and I
> believe in existence after death, or reincarnation, or
> whatever you want to call it. When you kill yourself,
> you inflict consequences upon your own consciousness,
> which at some point, will have to be resolved (call it
> Karma, if you want).

> In addition, whatever misery you felt that caused you
> to kill yourself, will continue to exist after you kill
> yourself. Life, and the obstacles/misery you face in life,
> are an opportunity for you to improve your being. When
> you kill yourself, you are squandering an opportunity
> to fix something about yourself that needs to be fixed;
> and at some point, you're going to have to face the
> same problems in order to fix that flaw.

I believe in a universal resurrection. Unfortunately, there are times when I see
that as a curse, rather than as a gift, because what I really want is surcease,
not death. Once I've hastened into the spirit world or resurrection, I'll still
have the problems from which I was running, but none of the tools I had in
mortality with which to deal with it.

Thank you for your blog posting and for the associated comment mechanism. I
really needed to shoot my mouth off (figuratively) and get shut of the crap
floating around in my head; now I can close the door on it for a while. To the
extent that words from a twisted, cry-baby, a$$hole can bless you, I wish you
peace and fulfillment.

Crusty said...

Anonymous person planning to apply to help people with AIDS in Africa...

That's the greatest thing I've ever heard on this blog. That's a perfect thing to do with yourself if you have no will to live... do something adventurous or extremely helpful to humanity, but might be dangerous, and ordinarily people would be scared to do it.

I don't want to say anything to talk you out of volunteering to do extremely helpful, but dangerous, humanitarian work, but the chances are, you're probably going to become really happy doing the work, and you're likely going to not want to die after a short time.

Crusty said...

A$$hole Poser,

I enjoyed reading your comments. I like the fact that you're honest. Honesty is the first step to all self-improvement.

In fact, it's hard for me to imagine someone who is honest wanting to kill himself (which is probably why you don't really want to kill yourself). An honest person would see the cause and effect relationships between what he does and what happens to him, and therefore he'd realize what causes need to be changed to create the desired effects.

I don't quite understand why you would need other people to know you're death was intentionally self-inflicted, unless the purpose of the suicide is to somehow inflict emotional pain on them or to somehow get sympathy credit for things being so bad you had to kill yourself. You can always leave a note or send an e-mail to your insurance company stating your intent to do something which would cause death. That would easily solve the issue of life insurance fraud.

I understand why you would say you want there to be no question you're dead (closure, no mystery, and all), but I think it's kind of a weak reason. I think it's usually more likely motivated by a self-serving attempt to send a message to your survivors or make them feel bad. People are always less sad about a loved-one saying goodbye forever than dying, or even worse, killing himself.

The world has a great need for people who are willing to do dangerous things for the good of other people. Most people aren't willing to perform dangerous deeds because they're scared to die. That's why I think blowing a hole in your head in a nice, tidy way is such a waste of death.

So...while I understand your list of suicide requirements, I think they're weak in comparison to a person's potential to do something super bitchin on the way out.

Reincarnation, resurrection, or life after death are only a curse for those who use life to devolve; it's a blessing for those attempting to progress but run out of I'm sure you realize.

tiredofliving said...

Thanks for the post, finally some real advice. Gotta admit, your post had me laughing but unfortunately was very correct. You made some valid points sir and they will be taken in to consideration for planning my death which will be very soon. I am a 23 year old prostitute who has been in the game for far too long. I threw my whole life away because I thought I knew better. I have struggled with suicide since the age of 13 when I was raped and lost my virginity. And because of my past foul ups not to mention my complete lack of being able to die as I please I was looking into some better planning. Your site was really helpful and everything you said was correct and on point. I have done it full on and still unfortunately lived. You are right no more half assed for me. Next time it will work. I know a local shooting range where you can rent a gun and then are basically left unattended. I don't want anyone to have to clean up my mess but it is the easiest access without putting my bullshit asshole family through the mess of finding my body although I almost wish they would so that they can see what they have done to me. Thanks so much and good luck to all my fellow suiciders. BTW I didn't read the part in red because the first line seemed irrelevant. Anyways you just made my day. Big fan, good looking out.

MamaJoe said...

I worry the most about the sweet 6 year old baby boy who will wonder why. He is my grandboy and we love each other so much. What will he think? He keeps me alive to far.

Anonymous said...


i have tried to commit suicide a few times but obviously with no success. now i see where i have gone wrong and i can successively try again!

thanks. also, love your sense of humor.

A$$hole poser said...

Don’t confuse honesty with brutality. No one knows what words and accusations
hurt me better than me. (Is it sadism or masochism to inflict maximum pain on
oneself?) If you heard me assaulting a nigger or a faggot, you wouldn’t praise
my honesty – the only difference here is that the perp and the vic are one and
the same psycho shithead.

> In fact, it's hard for me to imagine someone who is honest wanting to kill
> himself (which is probably why you don't really want to kill yourself). An
> honest person would see the cause and effect relationships between what he
> does and what happens to him, and therefore he'd realize what causes need
> to be changed to create the desired effects.

That assumes that the mind is functioning correctly -- mine is wired wrong (and
it seems to have been inherited). By way of illustration, I offer an experience
I shared with my 16YO daughter: She came to me crying last week because she'd
awakened in the middle of the night and could not think of anything good she'd
ever done. Every time she'd bring something up, the critical voice in her head
would find reasons why it wasn't really good or otherwise didn't count. All I
could do was hold her, sympathize with her, and assure her that this would pass
because I'd been there. I confirmed what she knew intellectually but could not
accept emotionally: that she was a good person and an asset to our family.
Without external reassurance, that voice can easily drive one to regrettable

Doing something altruistic but dangerous, while it sounds good, fails to meet
most of my criteria, and surpasses one of them:
1) Pain, expense, & inconvenience -– while I might be able to find a sponsor to
cover the expense of doing this dangerous good deed, the associated hazard(s)
are unlikely to be pain-free or convenient. (I already copped to being a wuss...)
2) Danger to others -- if I were to do this good deed and run afoul of the
associated hazard(s), someone might be tempted to place his own life in jeopardy
to rescue me.
3) No regrets -- I cannot imagine a dangerous good deed where I would not have
an opportunity to wish I could take it back; OTOH, if the deed is worthy enough,
I wouldn't want to take it back, even though I have the time for regrets.
4) Atomicity -- The vast majority of dangerous stunts, worthy or otherwise, are
far more likely to maim you for life than kill you out-right. Not only would I
have time to regret starting on the path before the hazard strikes, I would have
a long life regretting it afterwards. This maimed survival is also likely to be
both expensive and inconvenient (see #1).
5) Neatness -- This one's a wash. If my dangerous good deed has sufficient worth,
no one will begrudge any mess I might leave behind, unless I put others at risk.
6) Closure -- Depending on the hazard(s), it may or may not be clear that I will
not someday show up asking "Didja miss me?"
7) Non-fraudulence -- I think that a dangerous good deed is much better than a
clear statement of self-infliction. If I am sincerely trying to complete my good
deed when the hazard(s) get me, I did *not* kill myself, even if I had been
courting death in the process; any insurance payout would be completely above

P.S. God doesn't want me to love my brother as myself; He expects better of me.

Crusty said...

A$$hole Poser,

I like reading your thoughts...way better than average. I guess I can't really argue too much with the way you would want to commit suicide. It makes sense, I guess...I just wish you would see it more my way. I hate to see a waste of death.

I don't really differentiate between brutal honesty and benevolent honesty. I would just say that sometimes your brutal or benevolent honest thoughts should be shared, and sometimes they shouldn't; depending on the outcome you're trying to achieve. The same is true for yourself. Be brutally honest when necessary and be benevolent and encouraging when necessary.

The last thing I would want to do is encourage someone to not honestly critique themselves on an ongoing basis. If you haven't done anything good, then you don't deserve to feel good.

I don't believe in the popular psychology concepts of 'having a good self-esteem.' You should have as good of a self-esteem as you deserve to have, based on an extremely honest critique. You definitely shouldn't tell yourself you're a good person, when you're not. You'll never get better, because you're never addressing the real causes of your suffering.

As for you and your daughter, I think you both have a blessing, not a curse. You just need to realize that and learn to use your ability to honestly critique yourselves to your advantage. You don't need to beat yourselves up for being heaping mounds of shit; you just need to recognize it and feel just bad enough about it to want to do something to fix it.

I don't know why your comment doesn't appear; I guess you deleted it. I still wanted to respond.

Anonymous said...

Grammar my friend. Not all Americans are stupid, just most. I would know, I live here. Now do us all a favor, sit on your balls and suck my non existant dick and choke on it. We don't give a shit of other country's opinions.

Have a good day ♡

Anonymous said...

You are a total and complete ass hole. I hope that you end up in an unbelievable state of despair and depression and see absolutely no way out. Maybe you will lose someone or lose your mobility or become brain dead while carrying out some self-indulgent text message while you are driving. You really are a horse's ass.

Crusty said...

Anonymous Potty-mouth Name-caller,

Thanks. Tonight, when I give myself my daily affirmations in the mirror, I'll tell myself that even though I may be perceived as an asshole sometimes, at least I'm not that loser who spent time reading and responding to a blog he hated; and at least I'm not a bad enough guy to actually wish pain, depression, and incapacitation on someone else.

Anonymous said...

I read your first post Crusty and skimmed thought the rest so forgive me if I am repeating what someone else has already said. I can see why you did not make it as a Paramedic and you give 'ambulance drivers' a bad name. Empathy is one of the skills required to be a good healthcare worker. Someone who is suicidal has mental health issues that can be fixed with the right support and treatment in much the same way as someone with physical health issues. The problem is most suicidal people do not get a chance to receive appropriate help. It can range from ex soldiers with post traumatic stress disorder to people who have received physical or mental abuse and can take no more. They can be people who in their own head are failures even thought family and friends look up to them. There are many more examples of good people who attempt suicide so why don't you stop tarring everyone with the same brush and give your simplistic and closed minded views a rest please. To anyone who is suicidal who is reading crustys comments, please disregard them and try and get some professional help before you try to kill yourself. The unhappy person you are now might not be the same unhappy person in a few years time. I know as I speak from experience. Thanks for your time in reading this and best of luck.

Crusty said...

Anonymous Sympathetic Person,

Thanks for your thoughts. You are correct; ill-conceived comments like yours have been made over and over again. Thoughts like yours are a dime a dozen. Thoughts like mine, however, are rare and extremely provocative.

Actually, I was a very successful ambulance driver. The people around me would have agreed. I promoted out of the position, because I was so successful.

Also, you're absolutely wrong...a good ambulance driver has to be able to see through all the bullshit and stay emotionally detached (to a large extent), in order to act with professionalism, logic, and reason. Do you really want an ambulance driver who gets emotional, like you, on every call?

I don't condone committing suicide, but I don't have the time or capacity to care about each person who does commit suicide. I especially don't have the time or desire to caudal people who want to pretend they are trying to commit suicide, so they can send a message to the people around them. The last thing those people need is the current system and people like you. They need people to stop rewarding them for attempting to manipulate everyone.

Maybe, if we all take a step back, and use a little reason; we'll realize that maybe your approach to helping people is simplistic and close-minded, and it has been proven to not work. Maybe we'll all realize that 'tough love,' even though it doesn't always feel warm and fuzzy, is the most sympathetic and caring approach to helping suicidal people, and especially suicidal fakers.

It makes sense that you like to think you were suicidal (if you were actually suicidal, you'd be dead). A lack of emotional control and a craving of victimhood are usually the root cause of suicidal desires. Don't be mad at me...I'm not your are. You're welcome.

Anonymous said...

Hi Crusty. I'm not mad at you, it gave me a good chuckle to read your 'rare and extremely provocative' thoughts. I just hope people don't take your comments seriously and confuse you with a real healthcare worker.

Ever think you were 'promoted out of position' because the people you worked with could not stand you? It happens now and again and I'm sure you were an ideal candidate for it. Self awareness is a great quality to have, and like empathy, it seems to be another quality you lack.

I did not say I get emotional on every call, but I did say I try to have empathy, a subtle difference that might be lost on a man of your great intelligence(Hint: google the words to find out the difference if you need to).

The fact you call yourself an ambulance driver rather than a Paramedic speaks volumes about you. Thoughts like yours are not 'rare and extremely provocative', I can hear the same any time I go to a bar where the resident loudmouth has had his fill of drink.

As I said before, to anyone suicidal who is reading Crustys comments, please disregard them, he is as much of an expert in this area as my neighbours pet dog. Sorry I'm wrong there, my neighbours pet dog knows more about it.

Please give up the comedy routine Crusty, ever think people might be laughing at you, not with you?

Fazitah said...

When do suicide, express emotion for contract feelings observed. A suicide notice provocation comes visible is evidence death full. I know the death come always to each individual constant for life. Do not kill suicide as the dog for you. This web site is mindful for that observe. Fazitah

Crusty said...

Settle down, empathetic guy...have you ever noticed that people who say they are the most empathetic seem to be the most emotionally volatile and verbally abusive? I think you really hurt my feelings this time, empathetic guy. You are very angry and insulting. If that's what empathy is, I might rather just be Crusty.

I care when i need to care. The last thing a person, pretending to be suicidal, needs is someone else buying into their charade. What they most need is someone to drag them into the bathroom, fill the tub with water, and force their head under water until they and all their family realize they don't really want to die, and it was all an act. Then they can get on with their lives and properly address their real underlying problems.

Anonymous said...

this page is so beautiful. I'm 17 and i plan on killing myself really soon amd this page is so beautiful and inspiring. thank you so much.

Wren said...

hi, Crusty,

Just had to say, your blog made me laugh so hard... Especially the part about the pot roast.

I wish I knew people with your dark sense of humor in person, because mine is dark too and no one ever gets it.

I am not suicidal, or contemplating, or non- committing, but if I was I would do it some really cool way...
Anyway, loved your blog.


Anonymous said...

Ame-dica, Ame-dica, Ame-dica ^-^

Anonymous said...

Your knowledge of human psychology is truly pathetic. None of the crap spewing from that diseased orifice you call a mouth has the slightest bit of actual evidence backing it up. You are just another victim-blaming piece of shit living in their little fantasy land where the world makes sense because they had the good luck to not be severely mentally ill.
You are not special. I've heard your routine many times before from others who were just as proud of their ignorance and myopia.

At 13, I tried to kill myself and I was sincere. ODing was the best I could manage, since my moms ex locked up his guns. Lucky for him. I was pissed I wouldn't be taking him with me, but at least I knew my mom would suffer for forcing that abusive sack of shit on me for 6 years and enabling him.

Had I taken the pills a few hours later, it would have worked. The trans effect would have have hit at bedtime rather than dinnertime, and I'd have succeeded, according to the ICU guys. All with a pussy clonopin overdose.

Tell me, where does that fit into your theory. And why is it selfish of me to kill myself but not selfish of my family to demand that I continue living despite how painful life is for me, just because they don't want to deal with losing me?

Or maybe you don't know shit about mental illness and passing judgement on us crazies is easier than making the effort to understand us.

Anonymous said...

Also, sometimes self injury goes wrong. I doubt you know or care much abourpt that. Just spout out some more "man up" bullshit every nut job has to put up with. Because we've never thought of just trying harder until you're brilliant ass suggested it.

Anonymous said...

Modern day society and culture idolizes quick and easy fixes, rather than good ol fation hard work and common sense. The entire healthcare system is motivated by money rather than actually helping people. The pharmeucudical companies are raking in billions with psych meds that oftentimes make people worse off. Wake up people!
At least crusty doesnt bullshit, and is genuinely trying to tell it like it is. Some people are innately more rational than others, sorry crusty but thats the way the cookie crumbles. Common sense isnt so common these days...

Crusty said...

Thanks...i appreciate it...i would love to hear you elaborate on how exactly you might kill yourself in some really cool way...who knows, you might inspire some suicidal poser.

Crusty said...

Thank you...i am the anti-pharmaceutical.

Crusty said...

Get a new translator program...i think you were trying to compliment me, so thanks, i guess.

Crusty said...

This blog is not meant for you, and your suicide threats have no place in the comments. Go post that crap on some suicide helpline where people will react to your false threats and pretend to care.

Crusty said...

Normally comments like yours would motivate me to spend a long time telling you why your comment is pathetic, how i know you're a dishonest attention-seeking poser, and how i know you didn't really ever want to kill yourself; however, somehow i just feel uninspired...maybe somehow else will jump in and give you what you were hoping for.

Crusty said...

I'll never allow you to believe that I would ever buy into that crock of shit...that you want to kill yourself really bad; you just can't figure it out.

It's OK if you don't want to kill yourself...i think it's cool to want to live. Just admit you don't really want to kill'll feel so much better.

Anonymous said...

To be honest, I am still surprised after all this time that the blog is still getting good use. :o

Read it years ago and had mixed opinions at stages.

I just enjoy seeing what everyone else has to say about this to be honest. There are people that want to make me cringe but ah well...

Anyway, good blog by the way. ^^

Anonymous said...

thank got a point...maybe that was what was preventing me from totally being able to be dead....thank you very much.. :) i can finally rest

Anonymous said...

I found this on my daddys phone. He put a .45 to his temple in the bathtub. Some people are so sad that you can't help them. This is not funny. How can you sleep at night.

Crusty said...

I sleep fine at night because i know that this blog post was not the cause of your Dad killing himself...your Dad's inability to take ownership of his emotions & problems and do what he needed to do to resolve his own problems is what caused him to kill himself.

I imagine he probably blamed other people for his problems, felt helpless, or felt like a victim.

The bigger problem here is that YOU apparently like to blame other people for your problems (or your dad's problems, in this case), rather than realizing that YOU are the cause of your own problems, just like your Dad was the cause of his own problems. If you don't figure out a way to stop blaming other people for your problems, then you're going to end up like your Dad.

Just out of curiosity, why would you even think to blame me for your Dad's suicide? This is a blog post by some anonymous person, which he willingly chose to read. I did not force it on him in any way, and i had no personal influence in his life. How could he possibly have been a victim of something i did? If you're blaming me, and you want me to feel bad about it, you've got a lot of work to do to make all the other potential blamees aware of him killing himself so you can blame them too and make them feel bad. With any luck, you might get hundreds of people to feel bad and have trouble sleeping at night (as you hoped for me). Maybe one day i'll even kill myself because i feel so'd enjoy that, right?

By your reasoning, why don't you blame the gun manufacturer first...or the bullet manufacterer...or the bathtub manufacterer...or any tv show, movie, or website he ever saw in which somebody shot himself in the head? Why not blame the police or government for not stopping him...or the ambulance or hospital for not bringing him back to life. Or you can blame his psychologist for not helping him...or the drug manufacturer for making the pills he was taking. You can blame his parents for raising him wrong...or his school for not teaching him right...or his job for not making him more happy.

There are tons of people you can blame. You could blame all the people close to him also, except YOU of course. But most importantly, blame anyone but YOUR DAD for killing himself.

Anonymous said...

I think suicide is a serious thing hat nobody should be joking about so many times ive wished I was dead and that my life was just over I'm only 17 keep that in mind but my only reason to not do it is in spite I want my gma to be old and weak and have nobody to count on I want her to come to me so I can look at her and walk away

Anonymous said...

That the greatest thing ive seen in a while. Its hard to make me laugh anymore. When COMMIT suicide Im gonna do it right, shotgun to the dick!

Anonymous said...

Death is always inviting me to his doorstep I wonder how long it will be before I open that door ^.^

Anonymous said...

As a person who struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, I have to say...

this is FUCKING HILARIOUS and I loved it. If anything, I'm a bit more inclined to live now, though I may still borrow that pot roast bit at some point. Respect.

Anonymous said...

i get the humor behind it. but do you feel suicide is ever justified? i feel as if it's just society telling us that it isn't.

i've suffered with chronic depression for years, my only relief is long-term pharmaceuticals and even then, those put my mood through the ringer. i've been to wards, i've been to therapists, and i've laughed and had a blasted good time, but when i come back to the bed to go to sleep for positively no reason at all, or perhaps for some that I don't feel too much like disclosing, i feel as if i want to die. again, again, and again.

well, i imagine the look on my mom's face and that gets me through. it's true that suicide is selfish, but i wouldn't say it's cowardly, because i've pussed out quite a bit and only come out miserable. the only reason i'm pushing through is for her.

which leads me to know that the only reason i'm living and breathing is for other people. and you may say, 'get an attitude adjustment', but that's the way the world is, retrospectively. it's how our jobs are, it's how our hobbies are (gameshows, art, singing, entertainment, sports, everything). its all for other people. and that fact alone simply kills me. metaphorically. of course. and emotionally.

i'm probably rambling now, but still on topic - chronic sadness, and this living for others; it isn't temporary. i'm not going to kill myself to fix a temporary problem. it would come back til the day i died.

which might be soon. i don't know? i still have to ponder.

i'd still like to hear your opinion.

(even this. motherfucker! :p)

Crusty said...

Shotgun to the dick sounds awesome...I'm glad some of you sick bastards find this topic so amusing...

Anonymous guy living for his mom...
I don't know what to tell you that I haven't already said. You have to find something to live for (in addition to your Mom). Most of the time, people fall into depression because they don't do shit. Consequences happen to them over and over again, and life generally kicks their asses, until they feel depressed and give up (at some point along the line, the depression actually becomes chemical). It's because of a complete lack of awareness of the cause and effect relationship between what they do and what happens to them. You have to take responsibility for your actions, and you have to make something happen. You have to figure out why what you did caused the problems you have, and then you have to fix it.

Get off your ass, get a job, stop blaming other people for you problems, realize what you're doing to cause your problems, stop doing things that cause problems, systemically fix your problems, get lots of exercise, get lots of sleep, and eventually, after the physical causes of depression are mostly gone, the chemical depression may go away.

This sounds like a generic, textbook ('no shit') kind of answer, but sometimes that's the only right answer.

It's like fat people who ask why they're're fat because you consume more calories than you burn...if you want to not be fat, eat less calories and burn more's so simple...but people don't want it to be simple...they want to blame something else.

Fixing depression is've heard the answer a million times, you just don't want to accept want to blame something else and feel like you have no control you're a victim.

I've said it a bunch of times...depression is a symptom of luxury...if you were in a third world country, fighting for your life everyday, you wouldn't be depressed. You wouldn't have the time or the energy to feel bad for yourself.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Crusty,

Lol, you are so funny. Tell us a story about people who put their head in a gas stove. Is it generally successful and why? And remember, we want all the gory detail with a funny twist. In addition, what is your goriest carbon monoxide story? I hear people die even when they don't mean to kill themselves. Can you describe how this happens? Also,this may be out of your purview seeing as how you only see the bodies, but do the successfully dead have any previous experience with guns before they blow their heads off?

Looking forward to your hilarious and insightful stories. Cheers.

Crusty said...

Nice...clever...your attempt to self-righteously condemn me very successfully included some gory suicidal detail with a funny twist...see how you do that?...I have a feeling you found some pleasure in it too...even called a friend over..."check out what i just wrote. This douche, Crusty thinks he's pretty funny talking shit about people who commit suicide...i just totally put him in his place (fist-bump, with a simulated hand explosion, accompanied by a sly grin of accomplishment)."

Anonymous said...

I can't believe it's been almost 5 years since I first saw this post. I can't believe I've been thinking about suicide these last 5 years. In that time I've had a daughter become a nurse and two sons become paramedics (the other son is a physicist, don't know where I went wrong with him). At any rate the thing that has surprised me about this blog as I've caught up over the years, something nobody seems to want to admit is, we all die. We. All. Die. Does it matter if we do it ourselves vs. waiting for some "natural end? I don't think so.
Death isn't such an unusual thing. Hell, as I write this Crusty you could be dead. You could've crashed your ambulance into an 18-wheeler and be be dead right now. (my condolences to your family if that's true.) I don't think there is anything so wrong about picking your own time and method for leaving this world that you never requested to be a part of anyway.
I grew up in a family of 9 children, and there are 3 of us left. I was at the deathbed when 3 of my brothers passed and saw my dead father immediately after his unsuccessful heart surgery. As Jim Morrison said "Nobody gets out of here alive". So what the hell?
I've gotten my affairs in order. I'm leaving without a mess. My kids are grown and doing fine (which is more than I can say for 2 of my brothers).
Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand the fear of death. It's as inevitable as the sun coming up tomorrow. Roger Ebert was the smartest person I've ever read with regards to dying. He said "I know it is coming, and I do not fear it, because I believe there is nothing on the other side of death to fear. I hope to be spared as much pain as possible on the approach path. I was perfectly content before I was born, and I think of death as the same state."
Do you cheat yourself out of something by not living? Not really. My brothers didn't get to see their kids grow up. I did. My brothers didn't get to see their grandkids (nor did my Dad for that matter). I did. The point is, no matter when you die, in your own mind, and possibly in the hearts of those who care about you, you will have died too soon.
Crusty, I have enjoyed your blog and regardless of what the naysayers post, you have performed a valuable service to provide a place for people to express opinions about a topic people are reluctant to face, but all will, Death and how to get there. No need to reply, I'll never see it.
See you on the other side.

Anonymous said...

Hi Crusty, first I'd just like to say "what an awesome thread" - it just keeps on giving :)

I have adhd so getting to the end of it was quite a struggle, and the only person who actually pissed me off was 'empathic anon' when they were telling people to ignore your advice. I don't think they actually read your responses to people, because telling people the truth is lot more empathic than sympathetic. Still, their delusion.

I just wanted to add a slight twist to some of the points of view on here if I may.

I have (until fairly recently) been anti-suicide, mostly because it's selfish and cruel to the people left behind. The only reason I started thinking about it was a course of fucking anti-depressants after an emotional breakdown - bloody seroxat - horrible stuff. Anyway, ti didn't give me the will to do it but it did provide some amusing musings.

One way (fairly pedestrian really) was to skydive to oblivion. Not much mess to clear up in a farmers field right? and you get to enjoy the ride on the way down.

Another one was to build a full-on scaffold in the garden, I researched proper ropes, knots, scaffold trapdoor mechanisms ets. I even looked up the notes of UK's last hangman to find the correct drop for my weight etc. Placement of knot and all that.

Anyway, the twist is that I don't want to kill myself and have always strived to make something shitty into something better, that way I can never truly regret any of the shit in my life because it always led to something positive.

Having said all that, I am comfortable with death and can't wait for the final curtain because this life is pretty dull (well, the people in it anyway) - but I'll never deliberately seek it out.

I've had some very near-death experiences and every time I have relaxed and felt peace, once I even laughed. One time when I managed to screw up an overtake in the rain at 80mph I struggled with the car out of control for 200 yards just so I wouldn't take anyone else out with me - I ended up in a ditch upside down with just a fractured collar bone!

I believe in re-incarnation, or a spirit or whatever you want to call it, and I agree with what you said about committing suicide damaging your psyche (assuming that this is the part of you that survives this mortal coil of course).

There's a good film that covers that aspect, 'What Dreams May come' - a little cliche'd but at least it has a go.

As for the people slagging you off, I love your responses. Such well balanced individuals obviously don't have any problems of their own so they come on here to try and look at yours - it's hilarious.

If I had come on to this site looking to commit suicide, your point of view would be as refreshing as a bucket of cold water on a hot day.

You have many fans, you can now count me amongst them :)

Crusty said...

I can't believe it's been 5 years either...I can't believe you're not dead already.

I'll take all the smoke you suicidal bastards are willing to blow up my ass. It's good to know a few people appreciate this.

I agree, you should not be afraid of death. In the grand scheme of things, if you believe in life after death, death is no different than birth. I guess the big unknown is whether or not there is life after death, or what life after death consists of, which makes it a little scary for most.

Two things...

If you're glad you got to see your kids grow up a little more over the past 5 years, what makes you so sure you will not be equally glad if you wait another 5 years (or 10 years)?

What makes you think you won't be equally miserable, if not more, in the afterlife? If you're in psychological pain, what makes you think that will somehow be resolved if you're dead? I don't think you'll be better off...if anything, I think you might be frustrated that you're in pain, and you don't have your body anymore and the chance to improve psychologically by overcoming physical needs & desires.

I don't have as much of a problem with someone killing themselves (we're all killing ourselves, just at different rates of speed), as much as I have a problem with the way people kill themselves.

I don't like that people leave a mess, take out other people, or make other people feel bad/get revenge. I wish people would kill themselves by doing something really cool or heroic that maybe even accomplishes something great...go watch V for Vendetta. Or kill yourself over the next year or so by living some sort of super dangerous/cool lifestyle...running drugs or something...then go out in a big blaze of glory.

Kasnec said...


I love you, and hope you stay a paramedic doing good things for the masses for a good long while yet.

Instead of having a boring, pointless death, Ive decided to make use of the body I no longer wish to inhabit. (I don't believe there is anything after this life). I'm going to go do some more volunteering in 3rd world countries, hopefully war torn ones.

Having dealt with mental illness for 10 years (Im 23), getting a little perspective is refreshing. Id arrived at this blog like so many others doing some morbid research, and have thankfully had my eyes opened. Instead of wasting my organs and health professionals valuable time, I'm going to sign myself up to do something worth while, perhaps with the Mercy Ships or Red Cross or somesuch.

Suicide is a waste. It is a great neon flashing EXIT sign that blinds you to every other option and opportunity. Thankyou, Crusty, for reminding me that even though I might have lost the will to live, I haven't lost the capacity to do something awesome.

Crusty said...


Nice...that's what I'm talking about. With any luck, you'll get the chance to do some kind of crazy superheroic shit and end up dying super quickly and being some sort of God that people talk about in the third world country for the next 1,000 years. Chances won't want to die, once you're doing something that useful and being around other people who REALLY have a tough life.

Thanks for using a name, too...I appreciate having any ol' name that I can respond to. Go read a comment posted on here on April 5, 2013...very similar to your should form a club of 'Putting Your Useless Body to Good Use.'

HuggsX3 said...

First, you said if that you want to commit suicide to punish someone, lock yourself up in a mental institution. BUT THEN you write a whole entire paragraph on how to make someone see your dead body and stuff to punish them lol....

HuggsX3 said...

Okay, you crossed the line with "raped girl" post. Being raped IS what causes your suffering. If you weren't raped in the first place, then you would not be suffering because of the rape. It's called PTSD and Rape Trauma. And it is NOT the victims fault. You know nothing about criminology, nor psychology. So do your self a favor, take your own advice, and kill yourself. Oh! And before that, I'll send a gang to brutally gang rape you just for fun. SO you can blame yourself for how you feel while your bed ridden with a broken ass and pelvis trying to kill yourself. You don't know how trauma effects people, and it is NOT the victims fault. It is a natural emotional reaction. So fuck you. And for anyone else here who has been raped, whether it be repeatedly, or once, as a child, or as an adult, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. AND YOUR FEELINGS ARE NOT YOUR FAULT. Remember that. You did NOT cause your pain. Your abusers did.

HuggsX3 said...

Yeah I'm definitely done reading these comments lol. I'm losing brain cells by the second. Here is some constructive criticism. Crusty, your ignorance to social issues is appalling. You need to learn the real life issues that hurting people deal with. Your insensitivity and ignorance to many traumas tells me that you've lived a rather non-abusive, privileged life, and may also possibly be a perpetrator yourself because you are controlling. You need HELP buddy lol. SERIOUS HELP! You should have just left your article as is without the unintelligent comments. Your lack of knowledge to society, psychology, criminology, humans, and the world in general just ruined it! You are not a God buddy, you don't know everything because you have a clown blog. You need a reality check. Also, second Lady K's comment! But seriously, if you would have just left this as a witty article it would have been fine. You shouldn't have gotten all serious and started telling people that it's their fault they are traumatized from things like rape. Which is false. That is how your brain reacts and you literally cannot control it. Healing is a process, and how the brain reacts is not the victims fault. Until you live through something traumatizing and develop, PTSD, DID, or anything else, you will not understand. People who are abused as children are also more likely to develop problems following traumas later in life because of how their psychological growth and identity were broken. Their psychology as a whole was never formed. It's very complicated to explain. But maybe you should look it up before you blame another person to how their brain reacts to traumas. What do you think dissociation and is? Why do you think people have uncontrollable flashbacks? You need to study up buttercup.

Anonymous said...

Dear people reading this and wanting to kill yourself,

It's hard to get help for mental issues that lead to suicide, especially if you can't get out of bed most days. And, I know it gets to be just too much to handle alone. Although not always true, people who commit suicide don't have any real family connection or lack a social network to help catch their fall. With life like this, can you see a future for yourself? If you can't see one you can't build one.

So when this guy tells you your doing it to make people feel guilty, ask yourself, who are you close enough too would give a shit aside from superficial reasons anyways. "Oh I know someone who killed themselves, it was so traumatizing." And this thing he mentions about afterlife possibly being worse or the soul continuing to experience pain or some such nonsense,if there's a God and he's that much of an ashhole,fukem. No one's going to fair well if that's the case; otherwise you're in the clear. A free nothingness you can't even imagine 'cuz you ended when you killed yourself. Game over. No worries.

Point is, the reasons people throw in your face to tell you your an ashhole for killing yourself are bullsh*t.

This person is callous and entertaining himself with you. If you're subscribing to his sophistry as a justification for not killing yourself, you're not being serious about suicide. There's no, "Oh Mr.Crusty, due to your being a sarcastabitch I no longer desire to kill myself, my eyes are open." If so, you lack personal boundaries, self respect, self value, etc.,and since your life is already pretty miserable in a pretty fundamental way, so much so that you can't seem to fix yourself,it's unlikely to stop.

Just use what advise you can from him and leave. Here's a link he's previously posted to make sure you shoot yourself in the head properly, and what kind of gun and bullets. The article described a case where he's answered a call and the patient had killed himself using this site.

Best of luck on your journey and may you find the bravery and strength to do what's good for you.


joedirtyy said...

I want to do it right now. I dont care when or where. I just want to do it. Will 140mg of xanax do it, plus 110mg of mathadose? I wish there was a doctor I can go see to get this done. My employer hates me, my body pains no one gives a dam. I dont wanna rope it, dont want to jump, I prefer the juice that heavens gate peeps used. Or something along those lines. is there a drink or combo that will work>>?

Jasmine Sanville said...

Crusty. Can you help me. I want to know if you would help in my shearade. My sherade? Leaving this world quickly. I am fifteen and my family or friends don't believe me that I am depressed on top of this my mother and I get into a lot of fights. I feel like noone care cuase it IS true. They really don't care. I have bipolar ADHD OCD and skitzoprenic. Everyone calls me a bitch, a guy (i am a girl) a slut even though i never had a bf, ugly fat and a spaz.How can I just do it. I just want to be free ofthesepeople. Like I said they really dont care. Ineed to getover that will to live. I knowthis sounds sick but would slitting my throat do it quick. I wwnt everyone to knowthat i really am depressed so depressed that they will be sorry they aid i was not. Please help me crusty. I want out so bad!!!!!!!!!

Jasmine Sanville said...

I too want to end my life.

Anonymous said...

He calls his commentators anonyMOUSES??? How clever of him, while he fist bumps his equally desensitized EMT co-workers.

Guaranteed he could not say these horrible things to real people in this situation without his anonymity.

I have never heard anything this harsh in person. This blogger needs the internet to say cruel things you and I would have the decency to not say, even to your worse enemy; especially where he says this kid will end up like his Dad.

I'm sorry kid. I want you to know that people react callously to these experiences with ignorance to the damage they cause, or because they can relate from personal experience, and resent that other people are not as "strong" as they are. We don't know which group this crusty guy belongs to, but either way,this man is a small man, and you have more on your plate than a person like that could ever handle.

Anonymous said...
I found this on my daddys phone. He put a .45 to his temple in the bathtub. Some people are so sad that you can't help them. This is not funny. How can you sleep at night.

JUNE 16, 2013 AT 11:36 PM
Crusty said...
I sleep fine at night because i know that this blog post was not the cause of your Dad killing himself...your Dad's inability to take ownership of his emotions & problems and do what he needed to do to resolve his own problems is what caused him to kill himself.

I imagine he probably blamed other people for his problems, felt helpless, or felt like a victim.

The bigger problem here is that YOU apparently like to blame other people for your problems (or your dad's problems, in this case), rather than realizing that YOU are the cause of your own problems, just like your Dad was the cause of his own problems. If you don't figure out a way to stop blaming other people for your problems, then you're going to end up like your Dad.

Just out of curiosity, why would you even think to blame me for your Dad's suicide? This is a blog post by some anonymous person, which he willingly chose to read. I did not force it on him in any way, and i had no personal influence in his life. How could he possibly have been a victim of something i did? If you're blaming me, and you want me to feel bad about it, you've got a lot of work to do to make all the other potential blamees aware of him killing himself so you can blame them too and make them feel bad. With any luck, you might get hundreds of people to feel bad and have trouble sleeping at night (as you hoped for me). Maybe one day i'll even kill myself because i feel so'd enjoy that, right?

By your reasoning, why don't you blame the gun manufacturer first...or the bullet manufacterer...or the bathtub manufacterer...or any tv show, movie, or website he ever saw in which somebody shot himself in the head? Why not blame the police or government for not stopping him...or the ambulance or hospital for not bringing him back to life. Or you can blame his psychologist for not helping him...or the drug manufacturer for making the pills he was taking. You can blame his parents for raising him wrong...or his school for not teaching him right...or his job for not making him more happy.

There are tons of people you can blame. You could blame all the people close to him also, except YOU of course. But most importantly, blame anyone but YOUR DAD for killing himself.

Anonymous said...

anonomouse here :)
Hahaha, feeling guilty Crusty? Because you sure are defensive! and you took it out on that kid! LOL, kid didn't say jackshit about blaming you. He said he found your site on his dead daddys phone. and why wouldn't he find this site on a dead persons phone, looks like quite the resource. building quite the community here arent you? your daddy must be proud lmfao, unless he killed himself and thats how you can relate. better not take responsibility for yourself, opposite to your advice, because if i was you I'd be feeling guilty enough to kill myself.

Anonymous said...

Wow I wish I wad strong to just commit suicide o should've done it a long time ago! I find it hard to leave my four babies but they're better off without me. Or so their dad says

Besties in the afterlife ;) said...

Hi, I'm older and in a better position since the first time I "tried to kill myself". Fail. Long story. Anyway, I have money and va-kays now.

I can get to Switzerland, but I can't locate an assisted suicide clinic. The only one I can find is for the terminally ill. I know people can go to kill themselves for emotional issues; its called suicide tourism or something, but who cares, imma get in on that before the door closes.

By what I can tell, 10,000 buys you a suicide, but only if you're terminally ill. So if someone who plans on going just to kill yourself, just give the rest of us a pointer in the right direction, a name of a place please.

We're not less serious, just super shitty at google searches, or however you found a place.

I've talked to two people this month, so not a lot of resources. They won't ever know if I check out, just acquaintances. And have no family. To these people it will just be like I went on vacation and never got back in touch. I've had my "tester" attempts and I'm ready.

I've cruised the internet,Switzerland seems serious about suicide with guaranteed results.

I hope you can tell that people get the impression that I'm super outgoing and fun and think I'm connected, they have no idea I don't answer the phone or texts even though I barely get more than a text a week anymore.
The reason I'm saying is, I want you to know that I am fully aware of my decision and that I know what being at my "best" is like. For me, it's what I do to blend. People like a smile, even I know that. But, life will never be ok for me and in the end I need to take care of myself.

One message before you check out please. See you on the flip side ;)

To anonymous with the four babies, said...

Four babies with a guy who thinks you should kill yourself is alot. I dont' want to be mean but please stop having babies. Please leave him.

Anonymous said...

Shit, I make me laugh. Came here after goggling kill yourself. Didn't stop to read the fine print. Suicide cocktail: Citrex, ( googgled it, CITREX is a heavy duty degreaser, orange citrus based chemical cleaner for both specialized heavy duty cleaning and every day maintenance. ) and some other weird bottle I'd have to google before I saw the caption " Another failed attempt. "

Fuck, imagine how stupid I would've looked if I didn't see that.

Ahh well, not a complete loss. Atleast the main article made me laugh. Bonus: there was a previous comment about how to shoot yourself in the head.

Anonymous said...

Fuck you you fucking pretentious dick. You presume to know the circumstances of everyones life and deem them all wusses and cowards for thinking about suicide. You dont know everyones personal equation. Some people realize that the amount of suffering that they're going to endure in their life outweighs the possible joy + suffering others will endure as a result of their suicide. Your statements here are a disgusting generalization of a complicated matter.

Anonymous said...

Should be illegal for this moron to post a website at all. My mother and two friends committed suicide, and God forgive your pathetic soul for encouraging, and demeaning humans who suffer from idiots like this dip shit Get off the internet psycho. Won't be back for anymore brain dead sociopath like you.

Anonymous said...

I came here looking for real advice! You cheap bastard! Although i just might use some of this Next friday the 13th big day wooohoo!

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