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Sunday, August 24, 2008

Crusty's Guide to Successfully Committing Suicide

So, You Think Suicide Might Be Right For You?
So you've decided to commit suicide...you've come to right place. This guide will give you some tips and tricks for successfully committing suicide from an insider who has seen every possible kind of suicide attempt. If you follow my advice carefully, you will be guaranteed to have a successful and delightful suicide...a suicide that your friends and family will respectfully admire and remember fondly. They'll say nice things like, "Damn, is that your name here?...I don't hardly recognize him among all that dismembered flesh!...That'll be the last time I don't believe HIM when he says he's going to kill himself...hee hee hee?"

Fakers...Go Read a Faker's Tutorial
If you're just looking to make a mess out of yourself, cry for help, teach someone a lesson, take a break from life for a couple of months in a mental institution, or get attention, without actually off-ing yourself, then this is not the tutorial for you. If you've already done the research, searched your soul, and you're ready to boldly and gracefully do something for yourself that you've long deserved (cold, dark death), then you're in the right place.

Overcoming The Pesky 'Will To Live'
The first step to committing suicide is COMMITTING to commit suicide. You're not likely to be successful without some solid commitment. I think the most surprising part about killing yourself, for most people, is the sudden acquisition of 'the will to live,' which seems to surface just when death is beginning to have it's way with you. It's usually when you see the massive amount of blood, feel the exquisite pain, or start to feel the pre-death sleepiness coming on. This sudden 'will to live' is what causes otherwise well-intentioned people to call 911, call a friend, or somehow find a way to save their worthless existence. You need to plan on regaining 'the will to live,' and you need to properly ensure that your sudden 'will to live' does not allow you do something stupid...like save bag-of-shit self. If it wasn't for this pesky 'will to live,' I would never be called to an "attempted suicide;" I would only be called to COMMITTED suicides (DOA's).

Carefully Selecting a Suicide Method That Looks Good On You
The best way to ensure that 'the will to live' does not rear its ugly head in your suicide attempt is to thoughtfully select the best suicide method for you, then artfully execute your plan. The best suicide methods are those that do not allow you to back out at any moment. 'All-or-nothing' suicide methods are what you should be looking for. For example, shooting yourself in the head, cutting your carotid artery, hanging yourself, or jumping off a 50-story building.  These are all acceptable, 'all-or-nothing' methods of killing yourself. Half-hearted, lame, uncool ways of killing yourself include taking pills, cutting your wrists, asphyxiating yourself, jumping into water, drinking bleach, eating razorblades, choking yourself, or running through traffic. These half-hearted attempts just cause people to think of you as more of a failure than they already do. You won't ever find someone bragging about a suicide ATTEMPT, only COMMITTED suicides; and you'll never hear someone say anything benevolent about an unsuccessful suicide. Do you want to earn people's respect and humble adoration? ...Don't just attempt suicide, COMMIT suicide...massacre yourself...do it...do it now, you puss. If you select the right suicide method for you, not only will it kill you, but you'll look good doing it.  You'll be regarded as a goddamn artist.

Other People Don't Care About You...Don't Let Them Get In Your Way
Another important point to remember is to make sure you don't let anyone find out you're about to commit suicide. Suicide hotlines, 911, and phone calls to friends & family are for UNcommitted pansies. If you wisely choose the proper method (a good 'all or nothing' method), you won't have to worry about calling someone later on, because you won't be able to call anyone...you'll be nice & dead.

Hazards Of Slow-Kill Methods
If you foolishly choose a slow, painful way of dying, then you run the risk of picking up the phone and calling for help, or finding some other way to back-out of "Operation End-It-All." Slow-kill methods also increase the chances of someone walking in on your charade and attempting to save you. So...if for some dumb reason, you DO choose a slow-kill method, which could cause you to acquire 'the will to live' and want to back out, then you need to do some pre-planning, in order to show the rest of us that you're not an uncommitted bitch. You need to cut the phone lines, destroy your cell phone, or do your sacred 'slow-kill' ritual where nobody could possibly catch you in the act. Then, if you do the proper pre-planning, all you need to do is enjoy the sweet sensations of being helplessly unable to stop death from making you its bitch.

Don't Notify Others; They Only Care About Themselves
NEVER call someone BEFORE you begin your suicide attempt, either. This is the dumbest thing you can do. It's true that nobody cares about you, but people will pretend to care, and they'll call 911 for you, even though they secretly wish they would have let you kill yourself. Remember, they won't personally show up; they'll call 911. They pretend to care because they just don't want to feel bad about themselves. They don't care about YOU. They only care about themselves. You'll be surprised at how much people will pretend to care, for their own sake. Don't take chances on the possibility that someone might act against their better judgement and do something to help save your life.  It's bad for everyone...they'll regret helping you, and you'll regret being help...lose-lose situation.  Don't do it.

If You Must Notify Somebody, Do It Covertly and Creatively
I realize that it's tempting to punish someone by making them see you take your final breaths, or be the first to find your mutilated body, causing them to feel guilty that your suicide was partly because of them, and causing them to have the image of your human wreckage permanently ingrained in their every memory; but there are ways of doing this covertly & creatively, which will not thwart your plan to kill yourself. For example, you could lure them to your house by saying that you've prepared a delicious meal...try saying it's a super moist pot roast or a brisket you've smoked all night...people are suckers for that shit. Then...when they arrive, bitch-slap...they're too late...you're fucking dead...and it's their god-damn fault (...or, at least they'll feel like it is).  Chances are, if they're the first people to find your unsightly corpse, the trauma will cause them to kill themselves very soon...hahaha.

Make a Crusty Ambulance Driver Proud
In short, COMMIT to committing suicide. Think it through, do your research, interview those who have been unsuccessful (be sure to remind them that they suck), pick a method that works for you, don't be a pansy, and be sure to pre-plan to avoid any sudden onset of 'the will to live.' If you follow this advice, you'll have an enjoyable, successful suicide...one which your friends and family may want to emulate one day. Remember, you can only kill yourself ONCE, so make it a death extravaganza.  And, remember to HAVE FUN!...people always forget to have fun when they're killing themselves.

Because of this tutorial, I would expect nobody to ever fail at ending their failure-rich lives again. Make a Crusty Ambulance Driver proud...don't just mutilate yourself a little...make a statement...turn yourself into a work of art...show the world what admirably massive balls you have...ANNIHILATE your pathetic self.

Note/Disclaimer/Whatever: I do not actually support, condone, encourage, or otherwise hope that you or anybody else would commit suicide (in most cases). I believe the purpose of life is to improve yourself and the world around you. By committing suicide, you are squandering that opportunity. In addition, suicide leaves your friends and family hurt, angry, and confused. In a lot of cases, when people commit suicide, they are abdicating their responsibilities and commitments, and leaving friends and family with messes to clean up and additional responsibilities to assume. In these cases, suicide is a greedy, self-indulging, cowardly act.


The purpose of this blog entry was to satirically make light of an otherwise very somber issue, in an attempt to shockingly entertain you (and me) and make a statement about a very frustrating aspect of my job, which is suicide "attempts." Don't kill yourself, and especially don't "attempt" to kill yourself. Use your problems as an opportunity to learn and grow. If you really think you might want to check out of life, clean up your problems, so others aren't left to clean up after you, and go join the Marines, The World Police (America, F@#! yeah); or go volunteer for some highly experimental, underground human drug testing...let someone turn you into a half-man, half-goat. Go give your life saving the world or something.

227 comments:

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Two Clicks said...

Cheers Crusty,

Thanks for writing this and continuing your comments. This blog is amazing. It never dies. I found this due to suicidal thoughts. I have my own basket of mental & physical issues.

I am not offended or feel like less of a person due to this at all. I view some of your comments inspirational and others irrational.
There are so many different perspectives in this. Some of them are very educated. I really appreciate the comments from medical personnel.
Readers need to keep an open mind, if a reader is close-minded then they should close this and stfu.

Crusty said...

Thanks Two Clicks.

I wish everyone was as rational as you. It wears me out to point out to people that I'm not the cause of their problems or their emotional state, nor is anyone else.

I also get tired of people claiming they're going to kill themselves. Real suicidal people don't post their fake threats on some anonymous blog to some anonymous blogger who openly discloses he is not a suicide helpline.

Anonymous said...

Kill yourself. People like you are whats wrong with the world.

Anonymous said...

I thought this was serious then I read the disclaimer. I really am looking for a site to help me tie up all the lose ends before the "big day". Then I read your disclaimer. I guess your post is destined to help someone... just not me.

Moe Zell said...

Thank you for this, it really helped me plan I even took notes. I compazine so I don't throw up, im taking that one hour before i take all my percoset and hydrocodone, then I'm lighting a charcoal grill in my room and turning on Ron White. I am going to do it when my family is gone for the weekend. You really helped a lot thank you

Anonymous said...

thank you, i have been waiting for the best way to commit suicide, and now i have found it. I can finally leave this place, i'll do it tonight. thank you very much <3

Anonymous said...

I sincerely hope that your cowardly face is found behind your computer screen and following your blog's shutdown your job is taken away from you as well. It makes me physically ill to think that someone like you is in such a position.

raven said...

Bravo ..A great parody to such a serious issue, just love it a great piece. At least you found a way to put humor into your very high stress job. Thank you for your work glad to know you guys are out there to help others. Read some of the comments lmao some people to need to get a grip on life,call the nearest shrink to seek the attention they crave since a true suicide will never indulge that they are planning or going to do shit, nor show any signs of mental illness one day happy and next day poof gone ...

Anonymous said...

Thank you, after laughing so hard and seeing I'm not the only honest dark person alive, I don't want to die as much now. I have hypoglycemia and anemia, the true causes behind almost all mental problems... mocked for years by doctors until one passed me some tests... I'm an invalid... a psy told me that I have no qualities and that no one will ever want me... I take care of myself... but right now I feel lonely and tired to fight so hard just to be able to walk and breathe. I'm only 30, 50 more years of being half-dead to bear...
I added you to my own crazy tutorial:
http://bananapoop.com/uncommon-sense/how-to-suicide/verify-goal.php

Thank you for being crude... being alone in reality while others have their head up their asses feel so lonely.

Enjoy~

Anonymous said...

I have to reply again... I see that people misunderstand you as well, this somehow comforts me... I think we're kindred spirit. Others expected you to give a full tutorial on how to clean their whole shit... life isn't so simple...

I wanted to add that what made my life bearable is information about Adrenal fatigue... it can be as simple as eating green vegetables and taking 2-4g of vitamin C... Usually I can tolerate a lot... but right now I'm suffering more than usual... To connect to people in the dark, you have to step in it... You have to become evil to protect... Basking in the light and looking down on others with your head up your ass is the most cruel things that I have ever seen... but what you posted was compassion , with the anger of a wounded heart as you feel touched by people's suffering... People can't understand such complex ideas, they don't even understand themselves... life is more than black and white... I've discovered and seen great things at death's door, when I let go of lies... Keep up the good work picking up dumb asses in pieces and venting. You gave me hope for human kind... Thank you. "If you don't want to die, don't kill yourself" So true. There is worst than death, hell is for the living... but even hell can turn out to be the best paradise I could hope for... Being an invalid finally forced me to live for myself and take care. So I'm grateful... even if right now it's hard to bear. Have a great day~

Crusty said...

Thanks for the support, Raven and Anonymous. I like comments like that a lot better than the typical violent, sadistic, angry, vitriolic, heartless comments from the "compassionate" people who don't like what I've said.

I was starting to wonder if anyone perceives this post correctly (as dark parody or satire).

I really like what you said about 'you have to enter the darkness, in order to understand it, and help people in the darkness.' ...More than you might realize, I really like that.

Anonymous said...

I have to reply again about the disabled comment you added... I am and I live on welfare... I consider that people pay me to hide in shame so they can keep pretending that life is so perfect without a care in the world. And after being exploited, abused in every ways, I wouldn't just starve to death into the streets, I wouldn't beg. I'd buy an axe and go through people's doors and windows, slaughter the whole family, eat their corpses, laugh like a mad person, until someone gun me down. But I would not WOULD NOT die like a dog starving into the streets all alone.

Welfare isn't done out of care, but out of FEAR. To limit crime. If the law clearly stated all along that no one's there to protect me, that I have to fight for my own survival and claw it from others if I have to... heck I wouldn't have been so abused and calling for help in the first place... I would have killed all those fuckers who tried to rape me, my mother who beat me, my clients who refused to pay me even though the results were flawless...

But I would not, I WOULD NOT, die in misery.

Actually... I wouldn't have fallen so sick... killing myself slowly t6o please and be loved... actually... I would be very happy. Fighting for my own life with everything I've got... Many people would finally thrive, all those criminals would rely on their primal side would be on top of the world... the rules are there so that weak useless people can exploit others of talent and reap the rewards... and when the slave are drained and just wish to die... They should kill instead.

Thegiddo said...

This blog is just a joke why are people taking it so serious, you crazy American people. My best mate hung himself I loved that son of a bitch. To all you who are thinking of giving up don't life's precious and to be thankful for, fuck money fuck status fuck organised religion fuck it all love thy neighbor live your life with love and help people and you will be blessed.

Anonymous said...

Hey thanks your program worked great! But i gotta disagree with the jumping into water part, cause you got tall bridges like the golden gate that have a phenomanal kill percentage and are not only super effective at not making a mess as you say, but some lucky fish just got a hell of a meal - a ghost

Kimberly Quintana said...

Hi, my name is Kimberly. I am 23 and fear everything. I searched Google because I was hurting tonight. "Stupid" I know. We are all under educated in several different aspects of like but suicide is one subject you cannot learn enough of because who knows who you may save down the road? While i found your blog, for a lack of better terms, entertaining i suppose, i do pray the inner workings of your mind while you see your patients isn't this. I'm not talking bad about you at all Crusty, but just try looking at their eyes. You will most likely yes, see physical pain but I think if you just look a bit deeper you will see their pain with no words. If i were in that state and in your ambulance, I'd hope you would look me in MY eyes and tell me it was going to be okay and you would make sure of it. Everyone has low and painful times. Your fucked up post seems to have helped me in my trials and tribulations. So thanks.

Kimberly Quintana said...

Love the guy above me ^^^

You are not alone. said...

To: the anonymous I re-pasted below.

That sure is something. I never thought about it that way. I feel sad that you feel that way, and concerned that I can relate. I want you to know that I understand you. When you read these comments of "well-adjusted people" who think you are just too sensitive and don't understand a joke. They just don't know how it is if it happens to you. My dad raped me anally repetitively, my mom doesn't know the details, but when I couldn't sleep and did nothing but cry she got an inkling. I'd like to say that was it, but the whole family was deceased and they had their hands on me since I was old enough to remember. She became abusive and kicked me out after telling me to kill myself. Stupidly, I listened on an unconscious level, took as many pills as I could saying to myself that I wouldn't kill myself, I just needed to sleep. I took a cab to the middle of the countryside where I thought I would die in peace, but a farm hand found me in the ditch. He raped me while I was all blacked out from the pills. When I woke up three days later, I knew. I could feel that he didn't use a condom. I confronted him and he laughed, because after all, what could I do. You only find street kids half dead in a ditch, and that definitely undermines their credibility. I know because the police would not even take a report. For a while I thought I was better. I worked hard to battle my fucked up head to get through university. I worked hard to blend in. I worked hard for a job with a pension. But mental illness and depression is not ok in societies eyes, and I lost it when an old molester started talking to me again. Even without that, it took my all to keep it together. It's so hard to get medicated,harder to get properly medicated, but impossible to find resolution. A half dozen "specialists" have turned me down. They just didn't think they were the right area of expertise for me. Well, if a trained mind can't do it for me, how does the rest of the world get to tell me to figure it out for myself? Anyway, I quit my job when I overheard my op-manager talking about how strange I was getting and that they couldn't have that there and to get rid of me. My manager said it wouldn't be a concern because she was sure she could get me to quit. I quit the next morning. how could i ever get a new job if I was labeled crazy or got fired. Point is, there are criminals on welfare. Not all criminals are on welfare. And I do feel like society got a cheaper deal cuz I eventually ended up on welfare and didn't take disability thru work cuz I couldn't bare what people would think of me, although,I've just disappeared, let myself sink to welfare, I'm just that girl that got weird and then just disappeared. While people are tired of people like me, I'm tired of the average person who is against assisted suicide for emotional issues. After so many failed attempts, with some help, i'm sure we could get me dead humanely. Some proper execution. I am paid to stay away from the average bear. I know cuz I told my mom that if she ever called to threaten me again I would go to her home and tell her exactly what happened to me. She hasn't called again. I knew I had a card to play, so I told her not to let some of my abusers call again, the ones I knew she could control. Haven't heard from them. That's powerful stuff, the secrets of bad people. On the not so brightside, it promotes the strongest denial/disgust with the victim and an even stronger desire than the victim to hide the dirty part of the world. And today, I've researched the most successful way to kill yourself is by shotgun. I'm gonna learn how to use it. No more failures. But anonymous, you make me think, why the fuck not? There are bad people out there that the law won't touch with a ten foot pool. And I'm dead either way. I just know where you're coming from.

Anonymous said...


I have to reply again about the disabled comment you added... I am and I live on welfare... I consider that people pay me to hide in shame so they can keep pretending that life is so perfect without a care in the world. And after being exploited, abused in every ways, I wouldn't just starve to death into the streets, I wouldn't beg. I'd buy an axe and go through people's doors and windows, slaughter the whole family, eat their corpses, laugh like a mad person, until someone gun me down. But I would not WOULD NOT die like a dog starving into the streets all alone.

Welfare isn't done out of care, but out of FEAR. To limit crime. If the law clearly stated all along that no one's there to protect me, that I have to fight for my own survival and claw it from others if I have to... heck I wouldn't have been so abused and calling for help in the first place... I would have killed all those fuckers who tried to rape me, my mother who beat me, my clients who refused to pay me even though the results were flawless...

But I would not, I WOULD NOT, die in misery.

Actually... I wouldn't have fallen so sick... killing myself slowly t6o please and be loved... actually... I would be very happy. Fighting for my own life with everything I've got... Many people would finally thrive, all those criminals would rely on their primal side would be on top of the world... the rules are there so that weak useless people can exploit others of talent and reap the rewards... and when the slave are drained and just wish to die... They should kill instead.

RaymondWV said...

Thanks for this Crusty. I had to keep this going for another year. I've been checking up on this blog for a few years now.. just to read the things that all of the "Anonymous" people write because they always seem to make me laugh. Do their comments remind anyone else of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh?

Crusty said...

Eeyore...nice...people are definitely looking for someone to reward them for their lack of ability to control their minds and emotions. It seems to work well to manipulate other people in their lives, but it kinda falls flat here. This post is the gift that keeps on giving...thanks for checking back...I need all the stable commenters I can get.

Anonymous said...

Which is pretty ironic to say the least. Since you're condoning suicide then asking for steady feedback from the very same people that you pretend to help kill themselves. Take the gun and shoot yourself in the foot. Then take your own advice and put in in your mouth. I bet you don't have the balls to pull the trigger. Crusty you are a joke and if you had any self dignity you would stop this nonsense. Do you get some sort of pleasure from what you pretend to do? Take off the red nose and hang up the rainbow wig and do a real service to all the people who you pretend to help .....shut off the lights, shut down this blog and most importantly, shut your cum dumpster you twisted piece of shit. How's that for feedback crusty the ass clown?

Crusty said...

Like that, for example...a very unstable person who likes to convince himself that he is (or other people are) a victim of what I say. If it causes you discomfort, just turn it off...look away.

The people who don't like me making a satirical post about suicide (I guess cause they care about other people) seem to be the most violent, mean people of all. I guess they only care about victims. Do you REALLY want me to kill myself?

Anonymous said...

Wow!! Crusty the ass clown with his cum dumpster. Lmfao well I guess he got his feedback.

Anonymous said...

No. That's way too good for you. I just want you to really suffer through the rest of your pathetic miserable existence. That's why I would love to know that you got what you deserve. Ass raped with a telephone pole !!! Crusty I know that you pretend to help out while you sit there with a hidden agenda. I don't know why you do what you do but it's not for anyone but yourself. It's kinda sad and sadistic. If the pole is too much for you then maybe rubber bullets. Better yet post your address. REALLY !!. Then we'll see who the real wuss is!!! Clown up you Dr.Phil reject.

happy little vegemite said...

Some very broad statements here mate. In many cases you are on the money but this stuff is tricky business.

For example I am a survivor of a legitimate attempt, I held similar views to your comments but by the time I was that broken (mental illness) I simply wasn't in control enough to have or stick to any particular plan. In my case I drank half a bottle of bourbon and took enough sleeping tablets for a month.

As it turned out my body didn't agree with the cobtents of my stomach so I just ended up with a three day hangover and a stay in the mental hospital.

Tonight I found this while looking at options/methods/tips for preparing things, and the act itself.

Tour blog hasn't affected me but please be aware it may set others off.

Anonymous said...

They are probably related to you bitch!

Anonymous said...

siI truly want to die. My first attempt to kill myself was unsuccessful and now have brain damage. There is nothing anyone can do and even my doctor said I'm not normal. The razor is ready to cut my carotid.... I just want this painful humiliation to end.

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