Friday, October 10, 2008

Let's Play, "Blood, Poop, or Vomit"!...The Ambulance Is a Filthy Place

If I haven't already made you think twice about ever calling an ambulance again, just based on the fact that ambulance drivers are sick, twisted, insensitive, CLOWNS; the information I'm about to reveal to you will really make you never want to call an ambulance again, unless it's a choice between 'call an ambulance' or die (which is the way it should be). Even then, you may just want to choose death.

As you might imagine, the ambulance sees a lot of blood, snot, vomit, poop, spit, sperm, urine, pus, amniotic fluid, after-birth, pre-birth, general non-birth related vaginal sludge, zit-juice, eye goop, ear grease, and any other body fluid you can imagine. Every surface of the ambulance has, at one time, been the depository for at least one, if not all, of these body fluids.

The problem is, most people figure the nice boys that work on the ambulance meticulously disinfect every square nanometer of the ambulance. Most people are delusional. You can count on the nice boys on the ambulance to create an 'appearance of cleanliness,' but don't expect them to actually clean anything. We'll clean up all the most visible chunks of blood & vomit, wipe down most of the visible surfaces, and try to make it smell good; but ambulances are far from being clean. Sure, we change the sheet, most of the time, but that's like trusting a single square of one-ply toilet paper to protect you from a toilet seat in a gas station in Tijuana (I've heard of EMT's trying to go the whole day without ever having to change the sheet, due to VISIBLE contamination). When you're in an ambulance, you are surrounded by biohazardous filth; it's attacking you from all sides.

You know how they say that when you have sex with someone, you are really having sex with everyone that person has ever had sex with? Well, when you ride an ambulance, you are essentially having sex with every hobo & loser that ambulance has ever transported.

Here are some examples of some of the human bio-filth you might find in a typical ambulance...

Backboards are the direct recipient of whatever is oozing out of our patients. We get them from the hospital, and we try to pick backboards that don't have any obvious signs of contamination, so we don't have to clean them. These backboards were on my ambulance, ready to be used, at the beginning of my shift. Are you ready to play, "Blood, Poop, or Vomit?"...

Blood, Poop, or Vomit??? This is the area where a patient would lay his head (above).

Blood, with a little fecal matter, is my guess. What's a little fecal matter between friends?

Tape residue collects some of the neatest little specimens.

Probably poop, blood, AND vomit. All three are correct answers.

That's definitely pubic hair, and maybe a little vomit.

I'm guessing that's either blood, poop, or bloody poop.

I won't touch a stretcher without some heavy-duty, space-man-suit-like protection. The top of the stretcher and some of the handles get wiped down every now and then, but everything else goes by the rule, "if it looks clean, then it is clean."

This is a stretcher rail in regular light...

Here's a stretcher rail in black light...notice all the little splatters of 'who-knows-what'.

Here's a seatbelt in regular light...

Here's a seatbelt in black light. These seatbelts make direct contact with every loser we ever transport, AND they're highly absorbent.

This is a latch underneath the stretcher...

Here's the same latch in black light. Since this latch is on the underside of the stretcher, I imagine it has never been cleaned. The rule is, "Out of must be clean."

Blood Pressure Cuffs
Blood pressure cuffs get cleaned about once every few days, maybe, and every time we use them on someone REALLY bloody. Other than that, when an EMT puts a blood pressure cuff on you, you're essentially sticking your arm into a petri dish containing body fluid samples from every hobo that has worn that cuff over the past few days. Even when they do get cleaned, it's not exactly a thorough cleaning. The same is true for stethescopes, pulse oximeters, and all the vital-taking equipment at the hospital. I mean, why would WE want to clean this stuff, it's not like this equipment has to touch OUR skin, just YOURS.

Here are some cuffs in regular light, and below are some cuffs in black light. Is that vomit I see on the cuff, or is that just some sperm?

Does it make you feel good that EMT's wear gloves? Have you ever thought about all the things EMT's touch, with their gloves ON, that have already been contaminated by some other loser? The reason most EMT's religiously wear gloves is to protect THEMSELVES from you and all the contamination in the back of the ambulance. They touch all the stuff in the back of the ambulance, which has been contaminated by every variety of dung-covered loser you could ever imagine, then they touch YOU.

This keyboard LOOKS innocent, but it's really a breeding ground for every pathogen known to science. Sure, we have our gloves on when we touch it, but then we touch YOU.

I'd rather lick the anus of a dead possum than touch this knob with my bare hands.

These straps have exchanged more body fluids than Wilt Chamberlain.

This IV hanger has never been cleaned; I triple your money back guarantee it. Imagine the lush tropical forest of filth growing on that thing.

Look at this little gem I found in the back of the ambulance. It's a fork with food hanging off of it. Not only will you be contaminated by all the hobos that have ever ridden back here, you'll also enjoy the contamination of the EMT's saliva and trichinosis covered fork.

Here's some goop and sludge hiding on the floor, around the stretcher retainer. It looks like it's probably just some human scabs and some roach poo.

Here's a little more tape residue, which has the ability to collect 400x its mass in human DNA. Which combination of body fluids do you think have to mix together to create the color black?

So...the next time you think the ambulance might be a nice, convenient way to safely get your mother to the hospital, consider the fact that the clowns on the ambulance couldn't care less about your mother's health, they probably don't have anything to give your mother to improve her health or comfort, the ride is about as pleasant as a bicycle with no seat, and most importantly, climbing into an ambulance is like swimming in a septic tank with open wounds. Save your mom the hassle, instead of calling her an ambulance, just stand above her and defecate in her trach tube, then go hook her feeding tube up to her colostomy bag.


PM, RN said...

Hmm..interesting..I wonder how many "hospital acquired infections" are actually acquired in the ambulance.

I'll charitably assume that the reason there's so much contamination in the ambulance is because it's impossible to keep it clean in addition to everything else the job maybe it could be automated somehow? I'm thinking one of those motorized spray turrets people put in their showers to clean them automatically. It couldn't have soap and water in it obviously, maybe some alcohol based cleaning solution?

Anonymous said...

Now THIS is classic Crusty! Your possum anus comment made me shart a little.

This post is why I love what you one else comes close. You are the Man.

Evil Transport Lady said...

LOL! So true! I've seen some amazing things in our Ambulette vans also. ICK!

HollyB said...

You're assuming the Mother calls the child before she gets in the ambulance. Mine is a drama queen and LURVES her some attention. I would gladly transport her, if she'd just call!

What disgusts me is that she has to call Paramedics when she falls. She needs help getting up since she's not strong enough to hoist her body weight.

Louve said...

I worked as a respiratory therapist long enough to be able to get a meager pension when I do retire. I've seen alot of gross stuff IN the hospitals, as well as knew more than a few co-workers that tested positive for hep-c.

In all those years, never considered the contamination going on in an ambulance, even though I worked ER too and saw the condition some were brought in.

But....ewwwwww lol

Anonymous said...


You made my day..canot stop laughing (because I know how true this is!)

Anonymous said...

Hospitals and doctors' offices are filthy, too -- sit in a cubicle waiting for the doctor and look at the exam table sides and the corners of the room -- ugh! Doesn't give me much respect for the doctor to know that they don't even seem to notice the filth. Everyone who works there must think that it's below them to wipe up... I hate to think what their houses look like.


eeew lol. I was in Ambo services some years back, and well I'm a neat freak so cleaning was a priority. You know what will happen now though aye....People will call you up just to get sick from the back of your truck. They will request every known test, and complain of getting hep c, and probably Ebola, for kicks.

rookie bebe said...

EEEwww! And we just got a brand new truck. Let me enjoy it while I can.

But your post is so true! Blech!

Purple Stinky Onion said...

God Lord, I hope if you pick me up or anyone in my family we are aready dead and you are just giving us the 3 epi try!

Medic Sierra said...

LOL LOL I have to say, we're fairly clean up here, but there are several medics who don't bother to clean anything in their trucks during their shifts.

We have the same thing up here with the backboards. If we use a backboard on a call, we can retrieve it at the hospital later. It will be lined up against the wall with the other backboards. Most, if not all of them are covered in some sort of bodily fluid. Blood, bloody hair, urine, feces and vomit are the usually the most common. I have to say, our service is pretty big on cleanliness. If we call dispatch and let them know we need to do a 'deep clean' we'll get the time to do it. Sadly though, not all crews will take that time and actually clean the board appropriately.

The one thing in the Ambulance I would NEVER want to be used on me is the BVM and the mask that goes with it! I don't know how many times it's been used on dead people, then not cleaned afterwards. UCK!

Flanders said...

I'll never ride in with the basics again. When I was on a basic the shift I relieved was worse than the patients.

I have proposed a pull-trailer set up to our medical director. The "stinker" would be pulled behind the basic unit. The chamber would have a high oxygen concentration. While deciding which state hospital to transport to, the patient would be soaking in a dial (anti-bacterial)-lye-speedstick-oldspice concentration. Vitals would be automatically taken (so the basic would not have to make them up). When the patient is at the five minute out marker, the windows would open and the new fresh scented contributor to society would be dry and ready for his 34 hour post-triage wait at the hospital.

I have not heard back yet.... I'll keep you posted.

Anonymous said...

This is rediculous. I'm calling Sheila Jackson Lee about this one!

Crusty said...

Who's Sheila Jackson Lee? Is that the lunatic Congresswoman from Texas that ungracefully always tries to get camera time whenever there's an event that gets national coverage? Isn't she also the goofball that was upset that hurricanes don't have names like, Shaniqua and Roshandola?

Yeah...good idea, let's get the federal government to fix this. They seem to have that Midas touch with everything else they get involved in.

The problem is not that we need more government oversight; the problem is that we need LESS government oversight. The reason why publicly funded EMS systems are so dysfunctional is BECAUSE of government.

If ambulances were privately operated, then you would be able to have a choice when you called for an ambulance. If you had a choice, then you could choose NOT to ride on the filthy ambulance, with the Crusty Ambulance Driver, and you could instead give your business to the company that keeps sparkling clean ambulances, driven by ambulance drivers that have superhuman-like powers of empathy.

Do you realize where the money comes from to operate and regulate publicly funded ambulances? It comes from property taxes. The definition of property taxes is a tax on the property, which you supposedly own, which is collected at the point of a gun. If you don't pay, then a nice Sheriff will come and force you and your family out of your home. If you attempt to defend your property in any way, then he'll use his gun to either kidnap you or shoot you.

Are you REALLY willing to advocate forcing people to pay money at the point of a gun in order to fund the operation and regulation of an ambulance? Would you put a gun to your own father's head in order to get his money so that you can make sure there are sanitized ambulances operating in your city?

How did we ever get to the point where we believe that it is a person's right to force someone else to pay for their medical problems, including ambulances?

If you really believe that ambulances should be operated and regulated with funds stolen from people at the point of a gun, then YOU are the ultimate definition of a THUG. Are you a terrorist?

PM, RN said...

Sure, while we're at it, let's go back to the 30s when the fire protection system ("fire trucks") were privatized, and the firefighters would let your house burn down if you didn't have their subscription badge on the front of your house. That sounds like a -great- idea.

Crusty said...

PM RN, You're right, I don't know what I was thinking...hearing it actually being said sounds so cruel and non-communist. I guess I just wasn't thinking of it in those harsh terms.

We can't let somebody make the irresponsible decision to not get their property insured, and then actually suffer the consequences of their poor, irresponsible decision. We must not allow people to ever suffer the consequences of any of their poor decisions. It should be a person's god-given right to have somebody else pay for their bad should be a person's right to have the property, which they personally own, protected by other people, at other people's forced expense. I mean, whatever it takes so that one guy doesn't have to suffer a tragedy because of his irresponsibility, right?

Yeah...that may mean that some other property owners may have a gun put to their heads, and they may be forced, at the point of a gun, to pay for somebody else's fire/EMS protection. And...some people that just can't afford to pay their 'protect other people' tax will be driven out of their perfectly good, non-burning homes, in order to protect someone else's burning house. But...that's just the price you have to pay for some good, solid, effective, efficient, trustworthy, top-o-the-line, government-provided, communist protection.

You're right, it does sound bad to allow people to make a poor decisions about their own property. It's much more charitable to have government take care of all of it, ensuring that nobody is ever unhappy or unsafe.

Also, since approximately 80% of the country has fire and EMS service effectively provided by volunteer services, we need to go inform them that volunteer services are not reliable, and someone might end up losing their house if nobody volunteers to put it out. We can't rely on the charity of volunteers to ensure that everybody is happy and safe. We need government to handle all that.

It's like the Declaration of Independence says, "...they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are the right to be ensured comfort, safety, and happiness, provided at someone else's expense, of course, even though the assurance of one person's happiness evitably infringes on someone else's right to be ensured happiness...wait, that's confusing...oh well" --Thomas Jefferson (1776) ...the most fundamental and powerful phrase, written in the most fundamental and powerful document ever written.

PM, RN, you're just screwing with me, right? You don't really think that, do you? You just wanted to see me get all huffy and write a big long response to what you said...kind of like 'feed a monkey and watch it shit.' Ha-ha...joke's on me...I always fall for that...I'm like a little ferret that does tricks.

LCourage said...

roflmao wtf bbq que la efe! Time for some pepperoni and eggs.

Louve said...

Pepperoni and eggs...sounds interesting *g*

I think Crusty is politically influenced. McCain and Obama are getting to him...or getting him thinking.

Didn't someone say "The human mind was a terrible thing"? Maybe not...sounds like something a comedian might say ;)

None the less, Crusty, your posts (points) make us think...terrible or not.

My view on it (as unthought out as it might be), mandate sanitory conditions be kept, either by ambulance personell, or hire someone to do it. After all, hospitals are required to sterilize (or use as much disposable as they can). I realize sterilization is impossible for an ambulance, but is asceptic practices? (just an ignorant wonder, here)

Anonymous said...

You are one bitter mother fucker crusty. Why do you keep doing what you do?

marcia said...

Gag. I pick death. I had to scroll past most of your pictures with my eyes half-closed.


Louve said...

Well, being you like to entertain us, I thought I'd see if this amuses you, Crusty. A friend of mine found it and well...being who you are and what you do, I thought you might find it....interesting. *g*

A Different kind of ambulance story

Flanders said...

Anonymous, His name is Crusty not Bozo.

Crusty is not just bitter. He is a catalyst. Any catalyst must be mixed into the solution to affect the change.

Crusty said...

Louve, the only thing that excites me about that story is the possibility that one day a lunatic may steal MY ambulance and drive it into a ditch, 3 states away.

Note to lunatics: we usually keep the ambulances running at the hospital, if not, then the keys are often hidden inside the ambulance...check the visor...also note that fire trucks do not use keys...just turn on the batteries, push the start button, and enjoy.

Flanders, Finally somebody who understands me...(hearts ascending from my head, thinking of you). You must be another one of them objective, realistic, thoughtful weirdos, who are infecting our society with logic and reason.

Anonymous said...

I don't wannabe anonymous... I wanted "LibraryOfPornography said..." In big ass bold letters, alas I don't because I can't get in... Like you fucking care. So this message is for Ahem... "Crusty." Crusty, I regret to inform you: Bakers Dozen 2 starring Tyler Rain was abruptly taken away from me this morning (bought) by some pervert in CAncer. I know she means alot to you. 4-chun-at-lee YOU and your astute readers (and their families?) can find other titles with Ms. Rain "starring" at:

So what do I have to say on this thing to get liberal, pillow biting, socialist BaRock(Hussien)Stars to opine with an uppity... Excuse me an "elitist" comment?

I don't like McCain either, but I do wanna stick my penis in both his bitches (especially the one with the retarded baby).

I make happy time with a sista gerl, so I guess by proxy I wanna have intercourse with "The Tourist's" unscrupulous harlot.

Crusty I ab-so-loot-lee could not stop laughing at your comments section. My favorite, the spoon. Fucking classy.

Your either with us... Or your an evil doin' tourist.

I just wanted to tell you I sold another porn (another tonight) and I ended up writing something that won't be read by anyone, save you.

Think I'mma end it all...

And go nighty night.

Anonymous said...

Wow thats disgusting. If Im ever in the position Ill be sure to return the favor by vomiting, bleeding, or shitting directly on the ems.

Flanders said...

Anonymous, get in line. We been "pooped" on by better.

But while your bleeding, pooping and vomiting on us remember, we have sedation, "passive" restraints and great imaginations.

Anonymous said...

See Flanders thats the beauty of it, you wont know that its on purpose. You cant restrain or sedate someone for nothing.

Medic Sierra said...

anonymous said "you wont know that its on purpose."

Well shit.. if you want to get yourself to a point where you are bleeding, puking and shitting yourself all to piss someone else off..... by all means, go for it.

As for not being able to "sedate" anyone for no reason?....

We ALWAYS have a good reason. *grin

Crusty said... guys...can't we all just restrain eachother, sedate eachother, poop on eachother, and happily enjoy it?

LibraryOfPornography, you seems like a very angry, crude, cynical, skeptical, porn-addicted & porn-dealing, guy who doesn't like Obama, McCain, or those who believe in fighting wars in the name of battling terrorism (tourism) and preserving freedom. You disgust me!

Not to put words in your filthy mouth, or in other words, I'm about to put words in your filthy mouth...

I almost detect a bit of a satirical message that...those who are brainwashed by our own war-mongering, money-grubbing, power-hungry leaders into believing that we're attacking other countries, in the name of freedom, are just as bad as those who are brainwashed by THEIR war-mongering, money-grubbing, power-hungry leaders into believing that they're attacking the rest of the world in the name of Islam.

Medic Sierra said...

restrain? hm... maybe... the rest, nope! lol

Flanders said...

Library-o-porn...u be ah sick bastard. Glad to see u have a place in your heart for the mothers of retards. I bet u send a card to one mid-May each year. Hope you dont decide to end it all, you're an excellent read.

Sierra....thanks for clearing that up. I hate getting outsmarted by those on-demand bleeding, pooping, vomiting people. It happens allot.

Crusty... you are the man (man..clown..whatever) however....
I'm not your typical cool-aid drinking *CCRWR, but I would respectfully submit the following:
There are many reasons for our war mongering. From family vendettas to dinosaur juice to yes, proactively defending our right to Bloggerate.

Crusty said...

Flanders...nice work...coming STRONG!..."Glad to see u have a place in your heart for the mothers of retards. I bet u send a card to one mid-May each year."

LibraryOfPorn, I think Flanders semi-not-so-subtly just called you retarded, while simultaneously complimenting you by acknowledging your existence. He even cast a vote for you not killing yourself...which is far more than you'd ever get from me. Don't worry too much; I think he also sarcastically inferred that "anonymous" is stupid. LofP, Anonymous, you going to take that?

Crusty said...

Flanders, I think everyone can agree on defending our rights to life, liberty, and blogs...card-carrier or not. I just wonder how much of our blowing shit up is in fact in defense of our freedoms, and how much of it is done for other reasons. Then...we're just told it's for our freedom, because that's what riles us up enough to wave our guns and pitchforks in the air and want go kill some folks (just like Islam is used to rile them up to kill us). I really don't know...I'm just skeptical.

I do find it interesting that we get so excited about going overseas and blowing shit up to preserve our freedoms, then we more-than-willingly give our freedoms away (and take away other people's freedoms) in the ballot box. I would guess that more freedoms have been forcefully taken from us with a pencil (in a ballot box) than could ever be taken from us with guns and bombs by other countries. I'm far more scared of Americans armed with pencils & ballots than I am of terrorists armed with weapons of mass destruction (maybe because the Crawford Cowpoke has made it so that I DON'T have to worry about tarists with bombs...who knows?).

Anonymous said...

That is gross when I become a paramedic I will clean the ambulance as good as I can. I don't want to be touching all that stuff. I will never ever eat in an ambulance either i've seen some paramedics and EMT's eat in them eww thats just gross now that I see the pics. My sisters and I went to the fire department and we were sitting in the ambulance touching everything, but never knew it looked like that when you look close. Well, I did see somthing gross there was a yellow backboard with yellow straps the straps were brown and I asked them if it was blood and they told me it was chemicals and they stained the straps I think he didn't want to scare us =O

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