Saving Lives and Taking Names...

From the Free Clinic to the Free Hospital, By Free Ambulance
9:01 Responded to a county health clinic (free, socialized health care clinic) for a 45 y/o HF CO chest pains. Pt. had an MI (myocardial infarction) 25 years prior, she has high blood pressure, and she about 100 lbs. overweight. The paramedics ran an EKG, and they didn't find any new problems with her heart; it was problem some sort of respiratory infection. Her vitals were also normal. So...the clinic transferred care of the Pt. from the care of a doctor to the care of EMT-Basic, and we transported her to the nearest county hospital (also free, socialized health care).

Itchy Chick...Really...Just Itchy...
11:53 Responded to the apartment of a 19 y/o HF CO being itchy all over. She did not appear to have any hives or other obvious signs of allergies. We told her we didn't know what was wrong with her, told her she should ask a doctor, and invited her to take a ride on the magic, itch-alleviating ambulance. She told us she was never interested in going to the hospital or riding the ambulance; she just thought that if she called us, we could come and give her a shot or something. My partner asked her if anyone else has been in her house that could have given her lice or something. She told us that a some guy slept in her bed with her last night, but he's slept there before.

Guy Finds Out He's Not an Ant or Roach
12:25 Responded to the home of a 48 y/o BM CO having sprayed a can of Hot Shot Ant/Roach spray ("continues to kill for up to 2 weeks") in his mouth in an attempt to commit suicide. The Pt. was spraying the stuff in his mouth while sitting on his front porch. A concerned citizen saw him performing his feable attempt at suicide, and she called 911. Note to suicidal people: Always spray Hot Shot Ant/Roach killer into your mouth INSIDE your apartment...if you do it outside, someone might see you, call 911, and thwart your perfect plan to kill yourself. Pt. says he was trying to commit suicide because of the voices in his head. He obviously did not read the side of the can, where it clearly says "Not intended to kill the voices in your head, unless you're an ant or roach."

13 Year Old Female With a Nearly Amputated Arm...The Real Deal
15:54 While I was being interviewed for the local CBS news affiliate, which was doing a story on ambulances being called for B.S. reasons and the city's plan to refer B.S. calls for ambulances to nurses, I was called to "an injury/laceration and possible cardiac arrest." The news reporter asked me, as I was getting into the ambulance, "Does that sound like a legitimate call?" I said, "injury or laceration AND possible cardiac arrest...sounds like the real deal."

We arrived at a house and found a 13 y/o WF lying on the ground in her backyard, in a massive pool of blood, crying...worried that she was going to die, with a major laceration to her right arm. Her humerus bone was broken in the middle, it was an open fracture, and nearly all the skin on her arm had been lacerated. It was nearly a complete amputation; I could see both ends of her bone, her tendons, her muscles, and severed veins, which were now oozing blood. It appeared as though the bottom portion of her arm was being held on to the upper portion of her arm by a couple of tendons and a little bit of skin. There was A LOT of blood on the ground, but the bleeding had slowed down to an oozing bleed, by the time we arrived.

The girl was walking through the backyard, under a giant oak tree, when an 8-inch diameter limb broke off the tree (like some freaky, 'Final Destination' stuff). The limb hit her on the arm, nearly amputated her arm, and knocked her to the ground. We quickly stabilized her spine, splinted her arm, and drove Grand Prix-style to the children's hospital. They took x-rays and told her that they would likely be able to completely re-attach her arm, with minimal nerve damage, if any.

The good news is that the girl's arm will probably be saved; the bad news is that the local CBS news interviewed someone else, and I didn't get the chance to reveal what a waste of taxpayer money the ambulance is...and possibly work in a plug for Crusty Ambulance Driver.

Needed Ambulance For Final 200 Feet of Journey to the Hospital
17:48 We were called to a location DIRECTLY across from the local hospital (200-300 feet from the front door). A fire truck was putting out a grass fire in front of the hospital, they had traffic stopped on that road, and a man came running up to them saying that he had been shot in the hand, and his friend couldn't drive him to the hospital because traffic was stopped. The guys on the fire truck did what guys on the fire truck do, and they called an ambulance (which was about an 8 minute drive away) and started wrapping his hand. While wrapping his hand, the firefighters mentioned that he was just a few feet from the nearest hospital (which was his destination), and the ambulance was more than 5 minutes away. The Pt. said he knew the hospital was there, but he apparently had not done the math yet. He decided he would go ahead and make the 30 second journey on foot, and we were disregarded just before we could arrive.

WE SAVED A GUY!...From Having to Pay Hospital Bills
1:03 Responded to the apartment of a 46 y/o WM CO chronic breathing problems. The Pt. is asthmatic, and he has CHF. He was currently having a problem with his CHF. This was the second or third time our fire department had responded to this guy in the past couple of months. As we were walking in, one of the paramedics said, "I just responded to this guy a couple of weeks ago...check out his weight room."

He was released 5 hours prior from a 2 week stay in the local, PRIVATE hospital (meaning he had to pay for his hospital stay). The Pt. was in a private hospital bed, and the hospital told him he would have to pay, so he decided to go home. 5 hours later, he called us and asked us to take him to the county hospital, where he wouldn't have to pay, even though the county hospital was about 15 minutes away, the private hospital was only about 2 minutes away, and he had a "life-threatening condition." He said he would refuse to go with us if we were going to take him to the closest hospital for his life-threatening emergency condition.

The Pt. weighed about 350 lbs., and he apparently subsisted on Papa John's Pizza and Coca-Cola Classic, because he had empty pizza and coke boxes piled up to the ceilings, all over his apartment.

When we told him to get on the stretcher, so we could begin our high-speed emergency transport to the hospital, he told us to hold on for minute, because he had to walk into the other room and send a few e-mails first. To his credit, he WAS a little winded when he got back from his emergency e-mailing. We took him to the county hospital, where he was about to get a lesson in why socialized health care doesn't work.

Here's What Your Tax Money Paid For Today...

Making a Difference
8:38 Called to an assisted living home for a 76 y/o WF CO syncope. Here's a timeline of what happened. See if you can tell how exactly the "emergency" 911 ambulance actually helped this poor old lady...
8:28 Patient has a witnessed syncopal episode for 2 minutes...which is why she's in a nursing home to begin with...she passes out sometimes.
8:30 Assisted care RN begins to assess patient and take her vitals, Pt. seems OK.
8:38 Assisted care RN decides to call 911 (company policy, I guess).
8:48 Emergency medical services arrive to save the patient with our high-speed emergency life-saving & transport unit.
8:50 EMT's begin assessment and find out the vitals look good/Pt. looks good. Pt. is ambulatory and spritey.
8:55 EMT's tell the Pt. her vitals look good and ask her if she wants to go to the hospital by emergency, high-speed, life-saving ambulance. The Pt. does not really want to go, and she starts to tell us no. The resident RN jumps in and insists that she go to the hospital by emergency, high-speed, life-saving 911 ambulance...so that she'll get the help she desperately needs faster, I guess.
9:00 The nursing home is within walking distance from the closest hospital facility, but the nurse insists that she go to a hospital ten miles and 20 minutes away. We inform the RN that this Pt. will not see her doctor; she will see the ER docs. She says "yeah but...her docta go to that hospital and they can collabrit." Couldn't they also collaborate if she went to the closer hospital (both hospitals were part of the same hospital company)?...that's why I'm not an RN, I guess...I don't understand the rules of emergency medical collaboration.
9:02 The Pt. walks around her room for a minute, collecting stuff, then hesitantly climbs aboard the stretcher to begin her high-speed, highly emergent transport to an emergency room that can quickly mitigate her life-threatening condition. We begin high-speed emergency transport to the hospital that is 10 miles away
9:22 We arrive at the emergency room of the other hospital in our high speed, life-threatening emergency transport unit.
9:25 The Pt. begins to be assessed by an emergency room RN.
9:38 One hour and ten minutes after the Pt.'s syncopal episode occurs, the Pt. is transferred to an ER bed and the care of ER staff who can now begin to fix this Pt.'s life-threatening emergency....although, after giving us a room assignment, the ER staff is nowhere to be found, and we drop the Pt. off in an empty, lonely ER room...they'll get to her when they get around to it.

It's good to know that, no matter what happens during the rest of the day, we were able to use taxpayers' money to make a difference in at least ONE person's life today.

Professional Tuck-in Service
15:32 Called to the home of a 75 y/o WF who eased herself to the floor in her bedroom. The home health care nurse was helping her move around the room, and she ended up losing her grip, and the lady slowly eased herself to the floor. The home health care nurse called 911, and she got an ambulance and a paramedic squad unit. She told us the lady was OK; she just needed to be put back into bed. So we professionally lifted the lady back into bed and left.

Mad Dog 20-20 Strikes Again
16:53 Responded to the apartment of 27 y/o BM CO a headache, neck ache, and a little bit of cramping. The Pt. had been drinking Mad Dog 20-20 for the past two days without drinking any other liquids. This is the second time this has happened in the past few weeks. You would think he would start to notice a correlation between drinking Mad Dog 20-20 and getting sick and dehydrated. We took him to the hospital, where they recognized him from a few weeks ago, and they put him in the waiting room.

A Little Bit Sore From Lifting
19:00 Responded to the home of a 38 y/o BM CO right side chest pains which increase on palpation, movement, and inspiration. We found him in his car, getting ready to go to the hospital, when he decided his condition was too grave, and he called 911. We arrived, the paramedics put him on the monitor, didn't find anything, and the patient revealed that he had been lifting some stuff earlier and it might be a muscle ache. The patient wisely decided he probably did not need an emergency 911 ambulance for his life-threatening condition. As we were leaving, his mother showed up after hearing the news, and she stopped us as we were leaving. Crying, she asked us if he was going to be OK. We told her we thought he would make it.
Note to Intoxicated Hobos...
21:47 Responded to a 51 y/o BM lying in the street for unknown reasons. The Pt. answered our questions, but he was a little bit altered. He denied using any drugs or alcohol, and his vitals looked pretty good. We threw him on the stretcher and dropped him off in the nearest intoxicated patient depository, so they could tie up one of their ER rooms, sleeping off his intoxication. Note to intoxicated hobos: learn to hide your intoxicated pile of flesh in the bushes so that nobody calls 911 for you. YOU don't want to deal with us, and WE don't want to deal with you. So, if you're going to binge on alcohol, then binge on alcohol responsibly...do it where nobody can see your intoxicated, nearly life-less body. When people see you in the street, they get all compassionate, and when do-gooders get compassionate, they contribute to society by calling 911.

Elusive Patient
00:02 We got called to a motor vehicle accident by a concern passer-by (Ms. Greta). She saw a car hit a telephone and figured someone must need an ambulance. When we arrived, the "patient" had long fled the scene. I'd guess the person was intoxicated.

Life Threatening Enough for an Ambulance, But Not Enough to Hurry to the Closest Hospital
1:11 We responded to the assisted care home of a 45 y/o WF with cerebral palsy. Reportedly she had fallen 14 hours prior, and had been lying on the floor ever since, except for when she got up and called her friend. Her friend arrived at her house, and they decided they should call 911 emergency medical services. The Pt. had some back pain, so we put her on a backboard with a c-collar. We were about two miles from a perfectly good hospital, but the Pt. said she didn't want to go with us to the hospital unless we would take her to the hospital which was 12 miles away. She said that was the only hospital that would take her Medicaid. I told her it would take about 25 minutes to get there, and it would be better to go to the hospital that was 5 minutes away for her highly emergent condition. The Pt. got mad and said that the hospital she wanted to go to was right downtown...it doesn't take 25 minutes to get there. While enroute, she complained to the guy in the back about me and the fact that I lied and said it would take 25 minutes to get to the hospital. 30 minutes later we pulled into the hospital.

One Too Many 2-For-$1 Jack-in-the-Box Tacos
5:21 We responded to the Jack-in-the-Box for a 25 y/o HM. He said he has felt sick for about a week with a cough and chest discomfort. Today he felt like his esophagus was burning a little bit, and he just couldn't take it anymore. We professionally gave him a ride to the nearest life-threatening emergency care facility. He told us he had no home, no I.D., no money, and of course, he spoke no English.

The Pez Dispenser...Gaping Neck Wound

At around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, we were called to an Evangelical church in the middle of a predominantly black neighborhood, for an injury/laceration. When we arrived, we knew we had a real emergency because we were being waved in by other firefighters.... acting like third base coaches in a baseball game, waving in the winning run of the decisive game in the world series (it's rare to see fellow firefighters get that excited about something). Our second indicator that we had a significant injury was the reactions of the black, Evangelical worshippers, who are already a very dramatic group of people, were now in a complete panic, strewing their bodies about the chapel, praying and chanting. Our final indicator that something was seriously wrong was the solid trail of blood, running up the steps of the church, straight down the middle of the aisle, terminating just in front of the pulpit of the church, where we saw a 30 y/o HM, drench in blood, surrounded by a pool of blood, kneeling down, and holding a drenched trauma dressing to his neck.

According to the patient's girlfriend...since the patient wasn't in a story-telling mood...this guy was attempting to commit suicide, by cutting his own neck. Normally, this is a surefire, no frills way of getting the job done, as seen in Quentin Tarantino movies, where people die quickly of lacerations to the neck while painting the room with blood spraying from their necks. Well...this guy lacked the vital knowledge that, in order to make this method of suicide work successfully, you need to make sure you cut one or both of the carotid arteries. He somehow cut everything except the carotid arteries. He cut through his trachea and esophagus, but he missed the arteries. You see,... he cut deep rather than wide. There was a lot of blood, but it was all from veins and capillaries, rather than arteries...it was oozing, rather than spraying.

If you're going to kill yourself by cutting your neck open, ALWAYS START AT THE CAROTID ARTERIES, not at the front of your Adam's Apple (find your carotid arteries by touching two fingers to your neck, just to the sides of your trachea, until you feel the pulsating arteries). The chances are, if you start at your Adam's Apple, you'll give up before you get to your carotid arteries, due to pain, blood loss, difficulties breathing, blood aspiration, or general discomfort. Also, ALWAYS USE THE SHARPEST KNIFE AVAILABLE. Maybe this guy was using some sort of butter knife or similarly inferior blade, and he ended up having to saw his neck open, rather than gently slicing his neck open. I would recommend using a Wustof bread-cutting knife; it's long, sharp, and it's serrated, which would help get through some of those tough (cartilage-y) spots. I don't know what made this guy stop sawing open his own neck before getting to his carotid arteries...he wasn't in a story-telling mood...but just before he carved open his carotid arteries, he suddenly acquired the will to live.

He got in the car with his girlfriend, and she drove him to the nearest Evangelical church, of course. They were in the middle of singing praises to the lord, speaking in tongues, and rolling on the ground, overcome with the Holy Ghost, when this guy came staggering up the aisle, holding his gaping neck wound with two hands (the international sign for 'I just sawed my neck open'), and leaving a trail of blood on the carpet.

We removed the trauma dressing to take a look (partly for business reasons, partly for entertainment reasons), and we quickly re-applied the trauma dressing, when we saw that his neck had become a horror film, and it was still generously disseminating blood. We threw the guy onto the stretcher and quickly hauled him to the nearest Level 1 trauma facility.

While enroute, the patient kept losing consciousness, and every time he would lose consciousness, he would allow his head to fall backwards, which would expose the MASSIVE wound in the guy's neck, making him look like a giant Pez Dispenser. It was interesting that whenever his head was forward, he would breath through his mouth, but when his head fell backward, he would breath through his neck-hole. Breathing was not exactly easy, since blood was running down his trachea, into his lungs, causing him to gurgle on blood and occasionally cough up the blood (sort of...through his new mouth in his neck).

When we got to the hospital, he was taken straight to the operating room. The patient was almost completely unconscious at this point, and the doctors had applied a topical anesthetic. For the first time, I actually felt a little nauseous, when the doctors started probing his massive neck hole with their whole hands...almost like a little kid would crudely pull open a half-broken pinata to see if there's any candy left inside.

Overall, the patient was in pretty good condition, and the doctors thought they could put this dude's neck back together again. This was probably the most ambitious, failed suicide attempt I had ever seen.

Losers, Complaining Losers, and More Losers...

Wakey Wakey, Hands Off Snakey...Now We Do Wake-Up Calls
6:35 We got called to a vacant lot to professionally wake up a sleeping 40+ y/o HM. We pulled up, turned on the sirens, he woke up, we chatted a little, and we bolted. I told him, "hey man, if you're going to get drunk and go to sleep on someone's property, you need to do it where nobody can see you...otherwise, they call us." He said, "jes, sank you vedy mush...I jus sleepink...I dreen too mush las nigh."

A Little Tougher To Refuse The Ambulance While Unconscious...2nd Ambulance Call Within The Hour
8:19 We responded to the local party supply store for a 30 y/o BM, lying on the floor, unconscious (post-ictal). His co-workers said he had a 5 minute long seizure. They said this is the second seizure he's had this morning and the second time an ambulance has come to his rescue. The first time was when he got off the bus to come to work this morning, he had a seizure, an ambulance responded to him, he woke up, and he refused transport. It was a little tougher to refuse transport this time; he was still unconscious. We loaded him up and hauled him to the county patient-dumping-grounds (hospital).

Chest Pains...err...uh...Back Pain For 2 Weeks
9:30 We responded to the temporary home of a 40 y/o, toothless, whiny, WM, CO chest pains. When we arrived, we found out the chest pains were really more like back pain, which he has had for two weeks. He felt it pop two weeks ago, and it's hurt ever since. He said that he tried to get his uncle, with whom he lives, to take him to the hospital, but his uncle "bitched him out" and told him to quit complaining. So, he called us. He walked to the stretcher, and we took him to the nearest loser depository (hospital), and I didn't even hardly 'bitch him out' myself.

Bathing While Intoxicated
11:12 We responded to an abandoned gas station, near the local viaduct (water run-off canal) for a 25 y/o homeless HM CO of big laceration on his forehead. His friend says he was bathing while intoxicated (BWI) in the viaduct (sewer water), and he slipped and fell, hitting his head on the filthy concrete. His friend called 911 for him. When we got there, the guy said he didn't want our help, so we left some bandages and saline with his friend, and we took off.

The Only Thing Worse Than Picking Up Losers For BS Reasons...
13:11 We responded to the home of a 25 y/o WF CO gall bladder pain for the past four days. She says she ran out of pain pills about four days ago.

After she walked to the ambulance, walking by her personal vehicle, which her husband could have used to drive her to the hospital, I asked her, "what were you hoping we could do for you today...did you just need a ride to the hospital?" This seemed like a legitimate question to me. I didn't know if she was hoping to get some oxygen on the way, or if she was hoping we had pain meds to give her, or if she just enjoyed the sweet contamination of the back of an ambulance.

Well...she became irrate, got up off the stetcher, got out of the ambulance, asked for our badge numbers, told us she was going to complain on us, and proceeded to re-dial 911 to file a complaint. Then her husband came out to the ambulance and started swearing at me, saying "Can't you just drive her to the f###ing hospital...isn't it your f###ing job to drive people to the hospital...I would f###ing take her myself, but someone has to stay home and watch the baby." ...Well, fine sir, actually, it's kind of not really supposed to be our job to drive someone to the hospital, just because it's a pain in the ass for you to drive her yourself...911 Emergency Medical Ambulance Services are kind of supposed to be for life threatening emergencies...I thought. These people are amazing...I'm a little bit surprised that he didn't call 911 and ask for someone to come and just babysit.

The only thing worse than picking up losers on the ambulance for BS reasons, is having to respond to complaints from losers that call the 911 ambulance for BS reasons. Within about 4 weeks, the fire department will issue me a 48 hour notice, and I'll have to write a detailed account of what happened. Then, they'll decide if they're going to punish me for my crimes. This is the second time in my long, illustrious career I will have had to respond to a complaint.

Assaulted While Assaulting a Thief...
13:58 We responded to an apartment parking lot for a 58 y/o WM CO being assaulted by a man who was trying to steal stuff out of his truck. He says he went into the apartment building, and when he came out 2 minutes later, a HM had broken his window and climbed inside his truck, trying to steal all of his electronics. He ran over there, pulled the guy out of his truck, and started kicking his ass. His son showed up and also helped kick the thief's ass. Somehow the thief got away from these two ass-kicking zealots. Later, the son called 911 to get his father "checked out." The father did not want to be checked out, so we left him alone. He had no apparent signs or symptoms. He seemed like he was excited and happy that he got to beat up a thief, more than he seemed to be injured or in need of help.

2-Story Fall
14:35 We responded to a building construction site for a 46 y/o WM CO injuries from falling 15 feet from some scaffolding. He said he had some side and back pain. We put him on a backboard and C-collar, which the Pt. removed, because he didn't like the way it felt. He didn't really want our help (he was kind of a tough guy), but the construction site managers wanted him to ride in the 911 ambulance for precautionary reasons. You can never be too safe, I guess.

False Alarm...By Fellow Fire Fighters...
16:14 We got called to a motor vehicle accident in front of our fire station, by the other firefighters in our fire station. There were no injuries or need for an ambulance. Fire fighters call for ambulances, without knowing if there is a need for an ambulance, as much as the ignorant, 911 ambulance-abusing citizens.

Police Rough Up a Drug Dealer...
20:42 The police department called us to "check out" a drug dealer, who they had just tackled and arrested, during a sting operation. They especially wanted us to check out the big bump on his forehead. We asked the Pt. about the bump on his forehead, and he said it was a basal cyste, which he's had all his life. The Pt. had no other complaints. We professionally cleaned some dirt off of the Pt's face, and we left.