Crusty's Guide to Successfully Committing Suicide

So, You Think Suicide Might Be Right For You?
So you've decided to commit suicide...you've come to right place. This guide will give you some tips and tricks for successfully committing suicide from an insider who has seen every possible kind of suicide attempt. If you follow my advice carefully, you will be guaranteed to have a successful and delightful suicide attempt...a suicide that your friends and family will respectfully admire and remember fondly. They'll say nice things like, "Damn, is that insert your name here?...I don't hardly recognize him among all that blood and dismembered flesh"...or..."That'll be the last time I don't believe HIM when he says he's going to kill himself...hee hee hee...get it?"

Fakers...Go Read a Faker's Tutorial
If you're just looking to make a mess out of yourself, cry for help, teach someone a lesson, take a break from life for a couple of months in a mental institution, or get attention, without actually off-ing yourself, then this is not the tutorial for you. If you've already done the research, searched your soul, and you're ready to boldly and gracefully do something for yourself that you've long deserved (put yourself out of your misery), then you're in the right place.

Overcoming The Pesky 'Will To Live'
The first step to committing suicide is COMMITTING to commit suicide. You're not likely to be successful without some solid commitment. I think the most surprising part about killing yourself, for most people, is the sudden acquisition of 'the will to live,' ...just when death is beginning to have it's way with you. It's usually when you see the blood, feel the pain, or start to feel a little sleepy. This sudden 'will to live' is what causes otherwise well-intentioned people to call 911, call a friend, or somehow find a way to save their worthless existence. You need to plan on regaining 'the will to live,' and you need to properly ensure that your sudden 'will to live' does not allow you do something stupid...like save yourself. If it wasn't for this pesky 'will to live,' I would never be called to an "attempted suicide;" I would only be called to COMMITTED suicides (DOA's).

Carefully Selecting a Suicide Method That Looks Good On You
The best way to ensure that 'the will to live' does not rear its ugly head in your suicide attempt is to thoughtfully select the best suicide method for you, then artfully execute your plan (among other things). The best suicide methods are those that do not allow you to back out at any moment. 'All-or-nothing' suicide methods are what you should be looking for. For example, shooting yourself in the head (shooting from side to side), cutting your carotid artery (find it first by feeling for a pulse), hanging yourself (make sure you won't be able to touch the ground), or jumping off a 50-story building are all acceptable, 'all-or-nothing' methods of killing yourself. Half-hearted, lame, uncool ways of killing yourself include taking pills, cutting your wrists, asphyxiating yourself, jumping into water, drinking bleach, eating razorblades, choking yourself, or running through traffic. These half-hearted attempts just cause people to think of you as more of a failure than they already do. You won't ever find someone bragging about a suicide ATTEMPT, and you'll never hear someone say anything benevolent about an unsuccessful suicide. Do you want to earn people's respect and humble adoration? ...Don't just attempt suicide, COMMIT suicide...massacre yourself...do it...do it now, you wuss. If you select the right suicide method for you, not only will it kill you, but you'll look good doing it.

Other People Don't Care About You...Don't Let Them Get In Your Way
Another important point to remember is to make sure you don't let anyone find out you're about to commit suicide. Suicide hotlines, 911, and phone calls to friends & family are for unCOMMITTED pansies. If you wisely choose the proper method, you won't have to worry about calling someone later on, because you won't be able to call anyone...you'll be dead..., and when you're dead, you can't make phone calls, regardless of what you saw on the Twilight Zone.

Hazards Of Slow-Kill Methods
If you foolishly choose a slow, painful way of dying, then you run the risk of picking up the phone and calling for help, or finding some other way to back-out of "Operation End-It-All." Slow-kill methods also increase the chances of someone walking in on your charade and attempting to save you. So...if for some dumb reason, you DO choose a slow-kill method, which could cause you to want to back out, then you need to do some pre-planning, in order to show the rest of us that you're not an uncommitted wuss. You need to cut the phone lines, destroy your cell phone, and do your sacred ritual where nobody could possibly catch you in the act. Then...all you need to do is enjoy the sweet sensation of being helplessly able to stop death from having its way with you.

Don't Notify Others; They Only Care About Themselves
NEVER call someone BEFORE you begin your suicide attempt, either. This is the dumbest thing you can do. It's true that nobody cares about you, but people will pretend to care, and they'll call 911 for you, even though they secretly wish they would have let you kill yourself. Remember, they won't personally show up; they'll call 911. They just don't want to feel bad about themselves. They don't care about YOU. They only care about themselves. You'll be surprised at how much people will pretend to care, for their own sake. Don't take chances on the possibility that someone might act against their better judgement and do something to help save your life; DO NOT notify anyone.

If You Must Notify Somebody, Do It Covertly and Creatively
I realize that it's tempting to punish someone by making them see you take your final breaths, or be the first to find your mutilated body, causing them to feel guilty that your suicide was partly because of them, and causing them to have the image of your human wreckage permanently ingrained in their every memory, but there are better ways to achieve this same effect. For example, you could lure them to your house by saying that you've prepared a delicious pot roast with potatoes and carrots. Then, you could leave them a note that starts with, "hey dumbass, you really thought I made a Pot roast?...if I knew how to cook a delicious pot roast, then I wouldn't be killing myself." That way, you'll make those haters feel bad that you're dead, AND you'll make them chuckle a little. They'll say, "Ha, ha, ha, he's got a point...why would he want to kill himself if he could make a delicious pot roast?...everyone would love him...he got me good...ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee, snort, snort." You'll be the life of your own death party.

Make a Crusty Ambulance Driver Proud
In short, COMMIT to committing suicide. Think it through, do your research, interview those who have been unsuccessful (be sure to tell them they suck), pick a method that works for you, don't be a pansy, and be sure to pre-plan to avoid any sudden onset of 'the will to live.' If you follow this advice, you'll have an enjoyable, successful suicide...one which your friends and family may want to emulate one day. Remember, you can only kill yourself ONCE, so make it an extravaganza of death...and...remember to HAVE FUN!...people always forget to have fun when they're killing themselves. Because of this tutorial, I would expect nobody to ever fail at ending their failure-rich lives again. Make a Crusty Ambulance Driver proud...don't just mutilate yourself a little...make a statement...turn yourself into a work of art...show the world what big cajones you have...ANNIHILATE your pathetic self.

Note/Disclaimer/Whatever: I do not actually support, condone, encourage, or otherwise hope that you or anybody else would commit suicide (in most cases). I believe the purpose of life is to improve yourself and the world around you. By committing suicide, you are squandering that opportunity. In addition, suicide leaves your friends and family hurt, angry, and confused. In a lot of cases, when people commit suicide, they are abdicating their responsibilities and commitments, and leaving friends and family with messes to clean up and additional responsibilities to assume. In these cases, suicide is a greedy, self-indulging, cowardly act.

The purpose of this blog entry was to satirically make light of an otherwise very somber issue, in an attempt to shockingly entertain you (and me) and make a statement about a very frustrating aspect of my job, which is suicide "attempts." Don't kill yourself, and especially don't "attempt" to kill yourself. Use your problems as an opportunity to learn and grow. If you really think you might want to check out of life, clean up your problems, so others aren't left to clean up after you, and go join the Marines, The World Police (America, F@#! yeah); or go volunteer for some highly experimental, underground human drug testing...let someone turn you into a half-man, half-goat. Go give your life saving the world or something.

Somebody Abused The Emergency 911 Medical Services Today

Score One More For The FDA
8:30 A man called 911 for his 59 y/o WF wife who was cold and stiff, laying in bed. He went to check on her and see if she wanted some coffee, and he found her very dead. So, he called for a life-saving emergency 911 ambulance. We hung out with him until the police arrived. He told us his wife has been afflicted with "black lung" for 32 years. She's never smoked or drunk; she got black lung from an FDA approved anesthetic. Thanks FDA, what would we do without you? What's the difference between taking our chances on FDA approved drugs and taking our chances on drugs tested by private companies? The only difference I can think of is that we might actually educate ourselves and be a little more cautious about the drugs we take, if we didn't have the false sense of security that the FDA provides. How many of the FDA approved drugs we take today are going to give us "black lung" in 30 years?

Professional "Shook-Up" Mitigators To The Rescue
9:33 We responded to an MVA. When we arrived, we found nobody with any complaints or injuries. I asked the cop who called 911. He said, "dem people in dat ca look pre'y shook-up...ah jus wan ya'll ta check em out." I professionally replied, "yeah, I wish I could help, but we're all out of shook-up medicine."

Chronic Brain Problems Acting Up
10:28 We responded to the home of 56 y/o HM in the care of his 30 y/o daughter. He fell two days ago and injured his ribs. He fell again today, but he had no new injuries. He falls a lot, but he's been falling a lot more for the past couple of weeks. He had an aneurism 2 1/2 years ago, and he's been mentally impaired ever since. So...we did the only thing we can do for a guy with chronic brain problems...gave him a deluxe, ambassador's service ride in the back of our pathogen greenhouse.

Low Blood Sugar...Totally Resistant To Diet Coke
12:26 We were called to the restaurant of a doctor's office building, which was across the street from a hospital, and next door to a pharmacy (a pharmacy that sells glucose tabs). We were 10 minutes away. Our patient was a 62 y/o HF with low blood sugar. She took her insulin this morning at around 9, but she didn't eat anything. When she was at the doctor's office for her husband, she started to feel sick, so she walked downstairs with her daughter, she went to the restaurant, and they ordered a Diet Coke. The Diet Coke somehow did not improve her lack of sugar. When we showed up, her blood sugar was 29. We gave her glucose (non-diet), and she got all better.

Fracture
13:58 We were called to a suspected fracture 15 miles away. When we were about 20 minutes into our response, we were disregarded. Apparently, the patient got tired of waiting for a $500 bandaid and decided to take matters into his own hands and drive to the hospital without our bandaids.

Internal Bleeding...Err...Umm...Drug Run
15:31 This stupid druggy called us because he thought maybe he might be experiencing some internal bleeding, because his poo was darker than usual. This isn't the stupidest part. He wanted us to take him to a hospital 25 miles away for his highly urgent emergency condition. We're not normally supposed to go that far, but my supervisor said he thought I should take him there, since he had been there several times for the same condition. When we arrived 40 minutes later, we found out he had in fact been there several times for the same condition, in fact he had been there a couple of times this week alone. I found out he used to live near that hospital, and I found out he currently lives by our fire station because he lives in a gubment funded halfway house for his addiction to Oxycotin.

I ain't the sharpest cookie that was born yesterday this side of the tool shed, but I just wonder if maybe he might have a drug dealer near the hospital. I'm proud to have a hand in a system wherein multiple gubment programs are able to synergistically work together to facilitate this guy's drug addiction by giving him a free place to live and giving him free rides to his drug dealer.

Uh...Duh...Impressive Family
18:28 A driver of a worker van ran into a massive, custom made van containing a family of 11. This van had eight individual seats and a bench that sat three. All the seats were occupied. There were nine kids, and six of them were in car seats. I asked, "Is this a day care business?" In a half-offended way, the woman said "no, these are my kids." Struck with dumbness, I said, "wow...what an impressive family." There were three 7 year old boys, four 1.5 year old girls, and two 4 month old babies. I imagine they were from three litters, because each set looked very similar in appearance and age. Somehow there were no injuries, even though the van was severely damaged.

Two Ambulances vs. One Drunk Guy
2:11 Two ambulances were called to a drunk guy who pulled off the road to go to sleep. He didn't need either ambulance. Apparently, what he did need was a police officer to arrest him for drunk driving. The police officer determined he was driving drunk by feeling the hood of his car, which was still a little warm, and concluding that he must have been drunk when he last drove his car (a defense lawyer's dream).

A Psychological Bandaid
3:57 The son of a 91 y/o WF called us because she has the shakes, and she's had the shakes since earlier today. Everything checked out O.K., and the woman did not want to go to the hospital. Really, she and her son just wanted us to tell her she was O.K. This is a beautiful example of someone being sick enough to call an emergency ambulance but not sick enough to go to the hospital. Sometimes people just need a psychological bandaid...my specialty.

Another Gubment Assisted Drug Run
5:59 We were called to a halfway house for a guy who had crapped all over himself. His caretaker said, "he crapped all over himself, and he's got HIV; I ain't touching him." Apparently he took all his Xanax too quickly, and he wanted to go to the hospital to get some more. The caretaker told me she would take him to the hospital, but she signed an agreement saying she wouldn't drive him anywhere. Later I asked the patient how he was going to get home from his drug run, and he said he was going to call his caretaker. I don't understand why we don't just skip all the middlemen and just drive around giving out the prescription drugs that people enjoy abusing recreationally. (update...we picked up this same guy two nights later for the same problem...apparently the first hospital he went to didn't refill his Xanax prescription, so we took him to the one that always gives people what they want...the county hospital/drug dealer)

Wild Suicidal Woman Gets Tazed...

Crazed and Tazed

At around 11:30 P.M. we were called to a Psychological Problem/Injury or Laceration. We arrived to find a 40 y/o BF walking around the parking lot, being escorted by two other people, yelling out loud in an in-decipherable dialect (I could only pick up an occasional "MF'er"). The woman had no apparent injuries. Her eyes were wide, glossed over, and she looked at everyone like she was Old Yeller with rabies. I asked her if she was O.K., and she started walking toward me like I was a delicious meal, while she was wildly yelling that she was far from O.K. (MF'er), explaining that she just jumped off the third floor of the apartment complex. She said her hand hurt, but she 'dint wan no amblanz.' When she walked away, one of the other firefighters asked me if I thought we should call the police, which she overheard, and when she overheard that, she got primal, like Ron Artest in 06'. She started coming at the group of us, saying she was going to kill all of us MF'ers. She was heading straight for one of the firefighters when one of her buddies jumped in and restrained her (I suspect she might have wanted to be restrained).

We were slightly disappointed, because we were all halfway hoping that we would get to wrestle a wild woman to the ground, and WE are definitely not as trained as the police at restraining people without causing bodily harm. One of the firefighters actually said that he wished she would have attacked the firefighter she was going after, because they don't like him, and they think he might have benefitted from that woman orthodontically rearranging his teeth with her fists (he has a grill like Goofy, the Disney Dog).

She retreated to a porch on the second floor of the apartment building, and her friends followed her, trying to talk her into going to the hospital and trying to convince her to not hurt herself anymore than she already had. We thought she was going to jump off the second floor, so I got out my cell phone to videotape it.

The police quickly arrived, and after about 8 of them had gathered, they decided to go talk the woman into going to the hospital. Two of the officers walked upstairs and started talking to her. She made the grave mistake of assaulting one of the officers (windmill style), and the other 6 officers ran up the stairs and violently subdued the flailing, woman-gone-wild (cops live for the chance to subdue an cop-assailant). One of the officers used his tazer to get her to lay on the ground. In this video, you can hear the officers yelling at the crazed lunatic, and you can hear her yelling back about how she's going to kill all those officers and sue them. Then you can hear the tazer, and you can hear an officer tell her she's going to get tazed again if she doesn't get on her back.

After the wild beast was restrained by the police, we attached her to the stretcher with sheets, bandages, tape, masks (since she was trying to spit on us), and seatbelts. When she got to the hospital, she told the hospital staff she was going to 'bomb all ya'll MF'ers up in heeya...Om goan-ta keel all you MF'ers.' She even mentioned something about Katrina, New Orleans, and us being prejudiced against people from N.O. She said we didn't know who we were messing with, and that she had lawyers working for her. I told her that Jesus doesn't like it when she talks like that, but she didn't seem to care, reiterating that she would kill me. They gave her an injection of Ativan, which made her stop wanting to kill all of us "MF'ers;" in fact, it made her quite pleasant and kind of sleepy. At that point, I even considered asking her out on a date...maybe to go get some Ativan-crusted Redfish; some hot, frothy Ativaccino; or maybe some cool, refreshing, Mint & Ativan-chip ice cream.