FOR THE SAKE OF ANY POTENTIAL HIPAA VIOLATION, READERS ARE HEREBY INFORMED THAT EVERYTHING ON THIS BLOG IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.

PLEASE CLICK ON "SNOTTY REMARKS" AT THE BOTTOM OF EACH POST, AND FEEL FREE TO LEAVE A COMMENT

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

A Few Deaths, A Possible Hobo-MI, And a Bunch of B.S.

Only WE Are Capable of Professionally Asking, "Are you OK?"
8:10 We were called to a motor vehicle incident by a bystander. When we showed up, we asked if everyone was OK. The bystander said, "I think everyone is OK, but I wanted you guys to go check out that little boy over there...I don't think he has any injuries, but I just wanted you guys to check him out." I said, "Well, sir, I'll go over there and ask him if he's OK, then I'll ask his if he's OK, but that's all I can really do without an X-ray machine." It turns out, the boy said he did not have any injuries, and his mom said he was OK. ...I'm glad I could professionally do what no citizen is quite as capable as I am of doing...ask someone if they are injured and if they need an ambulance.

Imagine How Many Ambulances We Would Need If Everyone Called For Every Migraine Headache...
12:43 We were called to a 28 y/o HF complaining of migraine headaches. She was driving to go pick up her child from school, and when she arrived at the school, she couldn't take it anymore, and someone called 911 for her. She has an extensive history of migraine headaches, and her head was hurting since early that morning, with no change in pain. We drove her to the hospital where the doctors confirmed that did in fact have migraines, and she needs to take her medicine. If we transported every person that ever got a migraine headache, we would do nothing more than transport migraine headache victims.

Hobo With a Possible MI
14:40 We were called to the parking lot of a liquor store for a 62 y/o WM hobo, who was complaining of chest pain. We transported him to the hospital for a possible MI. We gave him aspirin and started an IV of Sodium Chloride. We pretty well saved his glorious life.

Do You REALLY Want Socialized Health Care for Everyone?
16:04 We were called to the home of a 35 y/o HF who was complaining of abdominal pain for the past 3 days. She went to the county hospital the day prior to calling us, but she left the socialized health care hospital after waiting for 8 hours with no help. She called us 15 1/2 hours after leaving the hospital, because she couldn't take the pain anymore. We gladly returned her to the socialized health care hospital, where they asked us to put her in the waiting room, along with the other 100+ people waiting for socialized health care.

Guy Does Nothing to Help Himself and Somehow Still Feels Sick
19:24 A 55 y/o HM called us because he was feeling kind of sick. He just left the hospital yesterday, where he was told that he has a pancreas infection, kidney failure, and he needs dialysis. He called us because, one day later, after doing nothing to fix his infection or need for dialysis. He said he still feels sick, so he needs to go back to the hospital.

Did Not Consult a Physician Before Running on a Treadmill
21:01 We were called to the apartment of a 24 y/o WF (she was actually kind of hot), who was complaining of breathing problems. She starting working out tonight, for the first time in a long time, and she couldn't catch her breath. When she couldn't catch her breath, she started to panic, and when she started to panic, she couldn't catch her breath even more. She was hyperventilating. After talking to her for a while, her breathing slowed down, she felt fine, and she decided she didn't need an ambulance. She obviously did not follow the instructions on the sticker on the side of the treadmill, which clearly stated, "Please consult a physician before running on this treadmill."

Just Another Car Accident...2 Dead, 1 Alive, 1 Unknown...
00:29 We were called to just another motor vehicle incident... ... ... ... Not. When we arrived, one guy had already been transported to the hospital with a severed spinal cord (later I heard that he didn't make it), and another dude was covered with a sheet, pronounced dead on the scene. Both dudes were thrown from their Cadillac when it started rolling, when they didn't make a corner at 100+ MPH on a 3-lane street. Our patient was a 21 y/o HF, who was still trapped in the mangled Cadillac. She was not wearing her seatbelt, but somehow she stayed inside the car. The rescue crew spent about 30 minutes to tear apart the car in order to get her out. Surprisingly, she appeared to have very minor injuries, she was conscious but intoxicated, and it looks like she was going to make it. The scary part of this whole incident was when we found an empty car seat in the back seat of the Cadillac. We asked the girl if she has a baby; she said yes. We asked her if the baby was in the car with her, and she said yes. We looked everywhere for a baby, but we didn't find anything. We tried our best to find out, but we still have no idea if there was a baby in the car. We're hoping that the girl was intoxicated, and she was confused about the baby being in the car.

Breathing Problem, 4 Blocks From the Hospital
3:56 We were called to a (closed) convenience store for a 52 y/o WM hobo, who calls us extremely often from this same location...it's the closest pay phone to his homeless hideout. This pay phone is precisely 4 blocks from the nearest hospital. If he would have started walking to the hospital right when he called us, he would have arrived at the hospital before we could have arrived at the convenience store. He complained of having breathing problems. He had just left the hospital a few hours prior for the same problem. He was not wheezing, and he had 100% oxygen saturation. I'm assuming he called us because it was very cold out. We took him to the hospital, just like we always do.

Very Successful Suicide Attempt...With the Help of an Online Tutorial
5:59 This call came in as a "Shooting...Bystander CPR in Progress." We arrived to find a 28 y/o WM laying in his bed, covered in blood and brains, and his mother was giving him chest compressions. She was also covered in blood & brains. The chest compressions had no chance of helping him, because he had done a REALLY good job of shooting himself in the head. She was really just pumping the blood & brains out of the hole in his head with every compression.

The mother said she heard two simultaneous shots while she was sleeping, and she ran to his room and found him dead (yes, two shots...I don't know how, but there were two shells on the floor....I'm guessing the second shot was due to a finger-reflex, as he was dying).

One of the most interesting aspects of this suicide was that the guy shot himself while following internet instructions on how to shoot yourself in the head. His laptop was in his bed, opened to the internet site. Apparently he was following the internet instructions like someone would follow internet instruction on 'how to fix your dishwasher.' The internet website is http://community.livejournal.com/prodeath/29306.html, in case you sick freaks want to take a look. Below, I've posted some of the pictures from the website, but the website also has a bunch of other pictures of people who were unsuccessful at shooting themselves, in addition to some instructional text. It's worth taking a look, especially if you're looking for an instructional tutorial.

The guy's mother asked a firefighter to assist her in calling some friends and family. One of those people was the guy's fiancee, who was at the guy's house the night before, playing Scrabble (I forgot to ask who won...I'm guessing the suicidal guy didn't win). The firefighter called the fiancee and told her that something was wrong, and that she needed to come over to the house. She said she would be there in 5 minutes.

My partner and I had put away some equipment and finish writing our report, so we went out to the ambulance. We were both sitting in the front seat, talking about what we just saw, and I mentioned that I wanted to go back in the house when the girlfriend arrived. Surprisingly, he said that he also wanted to be there when she arrived. I asked him why HE wanted to be there when the fiancee arrived, and he said it was because he wanted to see if she was good-looking, since she was now a single female. I laughed, and then I revealed that I wanted to be there when she arrived because I wanted to see how she would react. He was appauled by my reason and called me a "sick, morbid bastard." I found that amusing, considering his reasons.

The end result was that, while we were discussing our equally sick reasons for wanting to see the fiancee arrive at the house, the fiancee snuck by us, and we missed her. Later we found out that she started crying hysterically, and she wanted to see the body, but the police wouldn't let her.

Here are the instructional pictures from the website...





Possibly the Saddest Call I've Ever Made (5/17/2007, 19:09)

Possibly the Saddest Call I've Ever Made (5/17/2007, 19:09)
Tire Change, Jack Failed, Family Man Died

Chevy HHR Flipped...They Do That Sometimes (5/17/2007, 2:40 a.m.)

Chevy HHR Flipped...They Do That Sometimes (5/17/2007, 2:40 a.m.)
Minor cuts and abrasions

White Trans Am Vs. Metro Bus (5/9/2007, 17:05)

White Trans Am Vs. Metro Bus (5/9/2007, 17:05)
Metro--1; Trans Am--0

Suicide Cocktail (4/17/2007, 19:25)

Suicide Cocktail (4/17/2007, 19:25)
Another botched attempt.

Jeep Take-Home Test-Drive (4/15/2007, 14:04)

Jeep Take-Home Test-Drive (4/15/2007, 14:04)
It Failed!