I Think We Really Saved the World This Time...

Super-Magic, Paramedical Healification Machinery
6:24 We responded to the home of a 32 y/o HF CO breathing too much and feeling light-headed. The paramedics showed up and ran a 12-lead on her, and then they told her that nothing appeared to be wrong with her. After they told her the machine said nothing was wrong, she stopped hyperventilating, she stated she felt fine, and she decided she didn't need an ambulance anymore. I guarantee she'll call us the next time it happens so we can fix her again with our machines.

Kashi Cereal Attack
10:41 We responded to the home of a 40 y/o AF because she was reported as having blood gushing from her nose as she was arguing with her boyfriend on the front lawn. The neighbors thought they would do the nicest thing a neighbor can do for another neighbor and call an ambulance for her. When we arrived, the boyfriend was gone, and she told us she didn't want an ambulance. We noticed there was a book on the table called, "Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them." We asked her what was going on. She explained they were arguing and SHE chucked a box of Kashi cereal at HIM. After that, the boyfriend stormed out of the house while she pursued him, yelling at him. She says the boyfriend never hit her, and she didn't have any marks or blood that would indicate he did hit her. When the boyfriend walked away, after being a victim of a Kashi cereal attack, the neighbor who called 911 gave chase to the fleeing victim, eventually apprehending him and bringing him to justice. When the neighbor brought the boyfriend back in a car, the boyfriend was talking to his anger counselor on the phone. Apparently the neighbor got a little too excited over the situation since, as it turns out, nothing really happened.

Diabetes & The Holy Ghost Apparently Have Very Similar Symptoms
11:18 We responded to a Baptist church near downtown for a 42 y/o BM CO low blood sugar. He took his insulin, just before going to church, didn't eat, and proceeded to very actively praise Jesus for a couple of hours. Eventually he fell out, and after a while of lying on the ground, unconscious, his fellow worshippers realized he wasn't just having a Holy Ghost attack. After we gave him some D50 (sugar), the Holy Ghost left him, and he became coherent. We asked him if he had food at the house, and he said he did, but he didn't like any of the food he had. Since he didn't like the food he had at the house, one of the church members went and bought him a turkey & ham sandwich, on wheat, with lettuce, tomatoes, and swiss cheese. She also gave him some chicken noodle soup and 4 packs of Zesta crackers. Mmmm...Mm.  Apparently the Holy Ghost is powerless against D50 and turkey & ham on wheat.

We Saved A Man From Being Put Out of His Misery
12:01 We were called to a nursing for a 75 y/o BM receiving CPR. The nurses found him dead for unknown reasons, and he was dead for an unknown period of time. When we asked what medical conditions he had, the nursing home didn't know. Why should they know what medical conditions their patient has, right? Knowing the patient's medical conditions doesn't make the government check any bigger. We took over CPR, and surprisingly, we got pulses back on the guy. Now he can be in a permanent vegatative state in the nursing home that doesn't care enough about him to find out his medical conditions. The dude may have been better off if he had just died.

What? An Ambulance Can't Detect Internal Hematomas?
14:07 We responded to the high-rise condominium unit of a 64 y/o WF CO a snow globe breaking on her head. She did not have any cuts or contusions; she didn't even have much pain. She just worried that it might have caused an internal hematoma. We told her we had no way of knowing if she had an internal hematoma, but we could take her to the hospital, and they could find out. She said, "well aren't you paramedics?" We said, "yes, we are, but that doesn't certify us to know if you have an internal hematoma." Eventually she realized we were worthless, and she decided she didn't need us. Education is so annoying, isn't it?

Do-Gooders, Attempting to Ruin a 2 Y/O's Life
17:59 We responded to the parking lot of a car wash for a 2 1/2 y/o HF CO a bleeding and swollen top lip. Bystanders stated the driver of the car (the father of the little girl) pulled into the parking lot, and turned around and beat the girl. The bystanders called us and the police, and they detained the family. The bystanders were super emotional when we arrived. One guy even told us he was about to kick the guy's ass, but he thought he shouldn't since the little girl was there (how many times have you heard a guy say, "I'd kick his ass, BUT..."?). The family denied the father beat the girl. They say they stopped suddenly and she hit her lip on the seat. They say they pulled over and frantically pulled her out of the seat because they were worried. They say the little girl resisted because she was hurt and scared. The bystanders misinterpreted that as being abuse.

As we were leaving for the hospital, with the little girl and her mother in the ambulance, one of the bull-dyke bystanders opened the door to the ambulance and emotionally pleaded for the woman to tell the "truth" to the police. She said, "Please tell them the truth and press charges...just trust the police and social workers...tell them the truth...they'll help you...it will be OK."

That made me wonder, how does that bull-dyke know it will be OK? Suppose the man did hit his daughter on the lip; would it be better for the little girl if her father was locked up in prison for the next 5 years, raped by other inmates and given HIV, while the family struggles to put food on the table without the father working for a living? Or would it be better for the little girl if they sent her to a foster home, where the foster parents don't give a shit about her...they only care about the gubment check they get every month for being foster parents? The foster parents will likely sexually or physically abuse her even more than the father did. How is that better than taking an occasional punishment from your father? Since when is it the job of the rest of the world to tell people how to punish their kids? And since when is not having a father, or being lost in our socialist foster care system, better than occasionally being punished by a father?

Dislocated Shoulder
21:08 We responded to the home of a 32 y/o WF who slipped and fell on the stairs. She hurt her shoulder and her right flank. She had extensive bruising and a possibly dislocated shoulder. We took her to the hospital in the ambulance, since she was in a little bit of pain. The ambulance makes pain completely disappear, in case you didn't know...

Doctors Doing What Doctors Do Best...Calling Less Qualified EMT's
00:00 We responded to the super nice home of a 72 y/o AM CO altered mental status. The family of the patient said his mental status has been deteriorating over the past 1 1/2 hours. Everyone in the house was a doctor, so they did they best thing they could do for the guy...they called a couple of far-less-qualified, EMT-Basics to take care of him. The patient walked to the ambulance, and we took him to the hospital for a possible stroke. The family followed behind us in their car, after they told us which hospital to go to (which was not the closest stroke facility).

Blue Pill Neutralizers To The Rescue
6:23 We responded to the home of a 24 y/o WM CO feeling like his throat was closing up from the "blue pills" he took recreationally 4 hours prior to calling 911. He said he was at a party and he wasn't feeling good, so he walked 4 miles to his house, so he could call 911. The house party was only a couple of miles from the closest hospital. We mitigated his highly emergent condition by driving him to the hospital in our giant, gubment-funded, magic, blue-pill neutralizing machine (the ambulance).