Crazy, Embarassing Stuff That Happens on the Ambulance...

I've been thinking about writing this for a while.  This post is all about the crazy, embarassing stuff that has happened to me over the years of driving the ambulance.  Like everything else on this blog, I probably made it all up out of my head and/or copied the ideas from dumb forwarded e-mails.  Either way, it's still funny.  It's a little cheesy, but some of you are into that, so here it goes...

Jelly is Jelly, Right?
We responded to a 38 y/o white female with diabetes, who was complaining of low blood sugar. She was able to swallow, so we decided to give her oral glucose. I had to go out to the ambulance to get the computer, so I told my partner to give her "some of that glucose jelly stuff." When I came back in, I asked him how it was going, and he said, "not good, she keeps spitting it out, saying it tastes bad." I started raising my voice at the lady, saying, "maam, you need to eat this jelly...your blood sugar is low."  Then I got a closer look at the jelly he was feeding her. It was KY Jelly; we carry it to lubricate the breathing tubes. It was all over her lips and chin, and it was streaming off her chin, onto her clothes.  Good thing she was not conscious enough to realize what was going on. I said, "Let's try this other flavor; maybe you'll like it better."  We switched to the strawberry one, and somehow she didn't think our glucose jelly tasted so bad anymore.

Breasting Problems
We responded to the home of 85 y/o woman, complaining of breathing problems.  She had CHF.  I put a stethoscope on her chest and said, "Big breaths, maam."  She responded in all seriousness, "They were a lot bigger, but they've gotten kinda saggy."  My partner couldn't stop laughing and had to leave the room.  I had to turn my face in the other direction and pretend to be getting something out of our bag, so she couldn't see me laughing.

Nicotine Patch Abuser
We responded to the home of 42 y/o black male who complained of feeling chest pain, racing heart rate, and being really dizzy.  He said he was trying to quit smoking, and he was using the nicotine patches to help him quit.  We took his pulse and found out it was 220 and pounding (really high...60-80 is normal).  We asked him when the last time was he put on a patch, and he said, "well...the doc to' me ta' put one dese patches on e'ry eight hours, or when'r I really wanna smoke, but I runnin outta places ta put notha patch."  We opened his shirt and found out he had adorned his chest and shoulders with about 15-20 patches, one every few hours, for the past couple of days.  No wonder his pulse was racing; he had created a beautiful nicotine patch collage.

Bedridden...15 Years Ago
We responded to the home of 55 y/o black male who was bedridden.  He had diabetes and major foot problems (missing one foot and missing several toes on the other foot).  He was complaining of low blood sugar.  Somebody asked him, "How long since you've been bedridden?"  He kind of laughed and responded, "damn, iss been bout 15 yeaz, when ma wife leff me, since I had me some good sex in this here bed."  It took me a second to realize what he thought I asking, but then we all realized it at once and busted out laughing.

A Taxi Cab Is The Last Place You Want To Be When You're Not Giving Birth
One day I was tending to 65 y/o woman with a headache in the ticketing area of an airport, and some Asian dude came running in, yelling at us, "My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi." The man beat me outside, and I guess I lost him, but I saw the taxi of his Asian wife right in front of me.  I opened the taxi door of an Asian lady and told her to lay down.  She kind of laid back, while looking kind of startled, but when I went to lift her dress to take off her underwear, she gave me some resistance. Then, wondering where the husband went, I realized there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. The lady, whose baby I was about to deliver, was not even pregnant, and on second thought, she hardly even looked pregnant.  Good thing she was Vietnamese, and there was a severe language barrier, otherwise I'm sure she would have chewed me out and complained on me.

A Song That Got Stuck in My Head...Came Out at the Wrong Time
I don't know how the song got stuck in my head, but I kept wistling this song all day long.  We responded to the home of 35 y/o white female, complaining of a vaginal bleed.  She was 2 months pregnant, and she was probably having a miscarriage.  When I went to put a bunch of pads in her pants, to absorb the blood, I had to have her pull down her underbritches.  As I was putting the pads on the woman's vagina, I started whistling again (probably in an attempt to exude confidence and experience).  The woman got kind of irritated with me and asked, "are you seriously whistling the 'wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner' song?"

Highly Dignified Way of Dying
We responded to the home of 58 y/o hispanic male, who was in cardiac arrest. We tried to revive him a little, but he had been down too long before we got there. The paramedics told me to the wife that he was dead and that he had a pretty big myocardial infarction. While we were packing up our stuff, the lady called her daughter and told her daughter that her husband was dead "they said cause of a big fart, or something." I try not to laugh on scene of dead person, while the family is around, but I couldn't help it this time.  The paramedics quickly corrected her, "Maam, it was a heart attack."

Michael Moore Believes Capitalism Has Failed Us...

Michael Moore's new movie talks about how capitalism has failed us. The problem with Michael Moore's assertion is that capitalism doesn't exist in America. It probably never has existed. What we have in America is not capitalism; it's socialism, fascism, mercantilism, corporatism, or some combination of all four of those. Whatever it's called, it's not capitalism, and IT is what has failed us, not capitalism.

What has failed us is corporations' ability to purchase legislation or regulations, which forces people to use their services or drives competitors out of the market (again, not capitalism...that's corporatism). The other thing that has failed us is the government socializing services, regulating businesses, or taking over businesses. This destroys the free market's ability to provide better services at better prices (again, this is not capitalism either...it's fascism, mercantilism, or socialism).

We need to get government out of businesses, and we need to get businesses out of government. Just like we believe in the separation of church and state, we need to institute the separation of corporations and state.

Either way, you can't blame capitalism, when capitalism has not existed in this country for many years, if ever. We either have a capitalist system or we don't. There is nothing in between.

Is Ron Paul the only politician with any sense? I love the part of this video when, right after Ron Paul explains to Larry King that having the "right" to medical care implies people have the right to force someone else to give them medical services or products, Larry King then asks Ron Paul, "Well...what if someone falls in the street, and he's dying...shouldn't the government take care of him?" The problem is, the general public thinks like Larry King. We are hopeless.

Blah, Blah, Blah...Something About 'Obama is About to Give the Sovereignty of the U.S. to a Global Government'...

At one point, 100+ years ago, there were a bunch of states that didn't want to give power/control to the U.S. federal government. Now, you would be hard pressed to find an American that doesn't think the U.S. government, in its current form (maybe with a few minor adjustments) is a great idea. In fact, you would be hard pressed to find an American that wouldn't proudly put his hand over his heart and heil the U.S. federal government.

Ask any American if he thinks the FDA, DEA, FBI, USDA, NASA, the Fed, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, IRS, standing armies, or FEMA are a good idea. I would bet they would say that all those government programs need improvement, but they're definitely necessary. Ask any American what he thinks about socialized education, and I could almost guarantee he will say something like, "what, do you want a bunch of ignorant people running around?" (do you mean like you?). These are people who SAY they believe in freedom. At one point, people who believed in freedom resisted all these socialist federal programs. Now they can't imagine a world without the federal government's benevolent socialist programs.

So, now we're about to enter into a treaty which gives the U.S.'s sovereignty to a world government (a lot like when the states were faced with the prospect of giving their sovereignty to the U.S. government). There are a few people who say they believe in freedom/sovereignty/etc. who will fight it, but eventually these same people won't be able to imagine how we ever managed without our world government. It's coming, and you can't stop it, but eventually I guarantee you'll love it, and you'll still claim to believe in freedom, sovereignty, etc.

When the U.S. government comes to finish taking your guns away (they're already 85% there), they'll do it in such a way that you'll actually thank them for ridding you of such dangerous and expensive items (due to taxes). You'll thank them for taking your guns away the same way you thank them for socialized education, health care (Medicare/Medicaid), Homeland Security, the military, etc...all of which deprive you of your freedoms.

This new world government will operate just like every other level of tyrannical government. When they oppress you, you'll actually thank them for it, and you won't be able to imagine a world without their government. You are ignorant sheep.

Heiling Obama, Spreading Freedom, and Pledging Allegiance...

Here are a couple of videos of a bunch of good, young, impressionable, faithful followers of Obama-ism, singing of their allegiance and respect for Obama. I would love to be watching one of these videos one day and see my own child amongst the cute children being forced to sing of their allegiance to one of our fascio-socialist leaders. This is so cute, it makes my heart swell with pride...



I especially like the part of the video where the children chanted, errrr, I mean, SANG about "spreading freedom." Is that what we call it now, "spreading freedom?" And how do you plan to spread freedom? Are guns and bombs required to spread your "freedom?" If so, you can keep your freedom. Here's another moving chant, errrr, song...

[Note: I used to have a video, following these comments, which showed children singing the "Hmm, Hmm, Hmm, Barack Hussein Obama;" however, that video has since been removed from YouTube, because the parents of the children in the video got pissed off that their children were chanting a song about Obama, and it was all over the internet. Now, I've posted a news story from Fox News, which discusses why the video was taken down. My favorite part of this story is when I found out that the song they were singing was actually a song about JESUS, and teachers had the kids substitute Obama's name for Jesus. Hilarious! You can't sing songs about Jesus in public schools, but you can take songs about Jesus and substitute Obama's name for Jesus. Here's the news report...].



"He said we must be fair today; equal work means equal pay...He said we all must take a stand, to make sure everyone gets a chance...Red, yellow, black, or white; all are equal in his eyes..." Karl Marx and I fully agree.

Not that I care for George W. Bush, either; but, why didn't teachers force their students to chant about George W. Bush?

Can someone tell me what the difference is between making our kids worshipfully chanting about their president and forcing our kids to put their hands over their hearts and chant the "Pledge of Allegiance," to the federal government of the United States? I suppose we just want to engrain in our children's heads that the federal government of the United States is a great, benevolent, liberty and justice bestowing, blind-patriotism-deserving, union of INDIVISIBLE states (a clear message to the South to not try to sucede from the union again, or we'll woop your asses). That seems innocent, doesn't it? We might as well force them to put their hands in the air, as if heiling Hitler, when they chant the Pledge of Allegiance (as was originally done, called the "Bellamy Salute," named after the Christian Socialist, Francis Bellamy, who wrote the original Pledge of Allegiance).

Here's a picture of a bunch of young, impressionable, patriotic kids, heiling (pledging allegiance to) the federal government of the United States, using the old salute, the Bellamy Salute...

Speaking of pledging allegiance,...



Thank God Obama is president now so that people will commit to start being nice to eachother. What does Obama have to do with wasting less resources and being nice to eachother, anyway? Why didn't you want to do that before Obama was president?

And what is this "pledge" stuff? Does that mean I have a choice, and I can just choose NOT to pledge? Or does it mean they want the majority to pledge to support tyrannical legislation which forces non-compliant, freedom-lovers, such as myself, to give away all my money for their "charitable" cause, whether I "pledge" to help or not? Pledges are scary.

What does it mean to be a servant of the President? Do I really get to choose NOT to pledge to be a servant of Obama, or am I going to be servant either way?

Why do all these dumbass actors still have so much money, when they obviously care so much about fixing the environment and taking care of other people? Or, do they only want ME to give up all MY money for other people and the environment? I like how P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, Sean John, Sean Combs (or whatever) pledged to turn off a few more lights in one of his many mansions. Asshole, just the refrigerators in your mansions use more electricity in a day than I'll use to power my house for an entire year. And how much energy and resources were required to build all those "cribs" you own?

Bad Patients, Bad Patients, Whatcha Gonna Do, Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You...

This may not be funny to most people, but this is how I amuse myself... Hot pursuit of a patient!

It was around 9 p.m., and we were called to a local soccer field for a seizure patient.  When we arrived, we were greeted by a giant mob of frantically concerned hispanic males, wearing soccer gear.  They were all yelling (in at least two languages) and pointing down the street.  I cornered one person, and I asked him what happened.  He told me our patient was playing soccer, and he had a seizure.  He said our patient was unconscious for several minutes, and he needs to go to the hospital because 'his head is still not right.'  He also told me that our patient often has seizures while playing soccer and hardly ever goes to the hospital.  I asked him where our patient was, and he told me our patient had just fled the scene, and he was headed north.  As this guy was telling me which direction our patient was heading, he was already beginning to run in that direction, pointing & yelling, and the mob followed him, also pointing and yelling.

Normally, when a patient is running from the ambulance, I don't give pursuit.  There's something about a running patient that makes me think he may not need an ambulance for his "emergency medical condition."  The ability to RUN is often one of the best indicators that a patient is not about to die.  It also leads me to believe the patient is not interested in our help.

However, due to a general lack of stimulation in my life, and for the sole purpose of self-gratification, we decided it would be appropriate to give chase to the fleeing patient.  So, I backed up my ambulance, turned my ambulance in the direction of the mob, which was now waving me in their direction and pointing in the direction they were running, and I began driving alongside the frantic mob, with lights and sirens blaring, in pursuit of a fleeing patient.  My partner and I looked at eachother and started laughing at how delightfully stupid this scene was...10 MPH hot pursuit of a seizure patient by a giant mob and an ambulance!

After a few seconds of following the mob of 15-20 hispanic soccer players, we noticed that one guy was a little faster than the rest of the mob, and he had sort of made his way to the front of the pack, leading the pack by about 20 yards, so we decided we would pull behind this lone leader of the mob.  So, now we're following the leader of the mob, with lights and sirens blaring, and the mob is still pursuing, 20 yards behind us, pointing in the direction we're driving & yelling.  The leader of the mob is apparently running as fast as he can.

We were impressed with the leader of mob's tenacity and speed, and we wondered out loud, "How does this guy know where to go...I don't see a patient anywhere up ahead of us?"  We figured he must know where our patient lives, and he's taking us to his house.  He kept running, and we kept pursuing.  We must have been pursuing for a few minutes now, and the mob was still running about 20-30 yards behind us, pointing in the direction we were headed, and yelling incomprehensible directions and cheers.  We had to be gaining ground on the patient, by the sound of the escalating cheers of the mob.

At one point I thought, 'our patient must not be in too bad of shape to be out-running this speed-demon and the giant mob of hispanic soccer players behind him.'

Finally, one of us geniuses (probably my partner), submitted the question, "What if this lone leader of the mob is actually our patient, and the mob is actually chasing HIM?  If so, we've been following our fleeing patient for the past 8-10 blocks, thinking he's leading us to our patient."  It seemed absurb that a guy would run this far and this fast, in a straight line, with an ambulance driving right behind him, as if he was helping us, showing us where to go, when HE was really the guy we were chasing.

We both quickly put the clues together and solved the mystery in our respective heads.  We looked at eachother at about the same time and said, "He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...THIS GUY'S OUR PATIENT...WE'RE CHASING OUR PATIENT, AND HE'S RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE!...ha, ha, ha, he, he, he...WHY IS HE RUNNING?...he, he, he, ha, ha, ha...HA, HA, HA, HA." 

Now the scene looks like this:
--there is one post-ictal patient sprinting down the road;
--there is one ambulance driving behind a terrified patient, with lights and sirens blaring;
--there is an animated mob of concerned hispanic soccer players, approximately 1/2 block behind us, yelling, pointing, and cheering;
--and there are two highly sympathetic EMT's in the front seat of the ambulance laughing their asses off while pointing at the patient, running in front of the ambulance, pointing at the mob, and pointing at eachother. 

If I was an on-looker, this scene would definitely be perplexing, but highly amusing.  I would wonder, "why is that guy running from an ambulance and a bunch of soccer players?... ... ...Oh and, better yet, why is an AMBULANCE chasing someone?"

I had seen this move on an episode of Cops, so I decided I would give it a try.  I pulled ahead our patient, and I pulled into a driveway, with my ambulance blocking the path of the fleeing patient.  It was sure to make him give up, since he was caught between an ambulance and giant mob.  I also started to get out of the cab, as if I was going to go Troy Polamalu on his ass.  The fleeing patient juked me, easily ran around the ambulance, and continued running down the road. 

This botched attempt to trap the patient caused us to laugh even more.  This was beginning to look more and more like something you would see a couple of stoner EMT's doing on an in a stoner movie.

The mob caught up to the ambulance as we were having trouble backing up and re-grouping, since we were drunk with laughter.  They confirmed that the lone leader was actually our fleeing patient.  We were laughing harder than ever now, and we were even more determined to catch our fleeing patient, who obviously did not want to be medically apprehended.  Nothing makes me want to treat a patient more than a patient who is this determined to NOT be treated (hard to get!).

A couple of blocks down the road, before we caught up to him again, our patient made a really good move.  He took a hard left turn into a parking lot and vanished amongst a bunch of cars, stores and people.  He must have seen a few episodes of Cops also, because that was a pretty good move.  I wished the Fire Department had a helicopter to pursue fleeing patients, because at that point he had used his manueverability, being on foot, to lose us.  I manuevered our cumbersome ambulance around the corner, we turned off our sirens to be more stealthy, and we stalkingly started heading in the direction we had last seen our patient fleeing.  We were searching among the cars and stores to see if we saw any signs of movement. We figured he had lost us.

Then! out of the corner of my eye! I caught a glimpse of a man running into a Kentucky Fried Chicken!  We scrambled to the KFC, our engine was winding out, and the tires were screeching.  We noticed our patient trying to blend in with the crowd standing in line (another good move, but not good enough).  We pulled into the parking lot, abruptly stopped (tires chirping again), and I ran into the KFC and confronted our patient.  I wondered if I should tackle his ass and rough him up a bit, like they always do at the end of a chase.  I wished I had a tazer.

Taking on the persona of a cop who had just apprehended his suspect, I asked, "Why are you running from us?"  He said, "I'n not."  We argued about whether or not he was running from us, and I pointed out that he had grass all over his hair & clothes and blood all over his mouth.  I interrogated him as to why he had grass all over his clothes, and I accused him of having a seizure.  He denied everything.

This is where the story takes a turn and becomes very UNdramatic.  At some point I had to drop the cop persona and go back to being just an EMT, trying to help a patient, who was not under arrest.  He eventually conceded, "Jes...I hed a seechure, but I'n fine now."  I said, "Oh ok, so do you feel like you need an ambulance?"  He said, "No, I done nee no amblinz."  I asked, "Are you sure...do you want us to take your vitals or look at you?"  He said, "No, I done wan notting; I'n fine."  I asked him the AAOx3 questions, he responded appropriately, and so, we had no choice but to leave him alone.

We laughed about our hot pursuit of our super-non-compliant patient for the rest of night.  Our job doesn't get any better than that.  It made me wish more patients would run from us.  If we could get more patients to run, we could start a TV show.  Bad patients, bad patients, whatcha gonna do...?

This post was written for "The Handover, Blog Carnival." This month's theme was, "Funniest. Call. Ever." All the submissions for this month's edition, from various bloggers, can be found at: http://proems.blogspot.com/2009/09/handover-blog-carnival-funniest-call.html

Racial Inequalities Within Houston Metro...We Needs Us Some Affirmative Action...

http://www.politicafe.com/ reports that, within Harris County, TX (not that I live or work there), black people only account for 18% of the total population; however, within some publicly funded organizations, black people account for a much higher percentage of the employees.  In particular, within the Houston Metro, black people account for 61% of the total employees and 80% of the total bus drivers.

http://politicafe.com/index.php?p=1728

These numbers are appauling!  Something needs to be done NOW to correct these racial inequalities within the Houston Metro organization.  It goes without saying that they need to institute a program of Affirmative Action for white people.

This happens to be the same city in which the Houston Fire Department was recently persecuted by black people for being racist (and sexist).  However, as it turns out, HFD's racial/ethnic composition happens to be very similar to that of the Harris County population, and far more representative of the population than Houston Metro's racial/ethnic composition.

What now?  Should white people march in the streets of downtown Houston and hold rallies on the front steps of city hall, like black people did a few weeks ago when HFD was being accused of being "racist?"  Is it equally as wrong when white people are discriminated against, or is it only wrong when black people are the victims of racial discrimination? 

White people, you obviously have some hell to raise in Houston!  You need to make things equal.  When you're done straightening out the Houston Metro, then you need to start in on the NBA and the NFL.  Good luck.  Nobody REALLY wants equality; they just want more equality than the next guy.

National Attention for 911 EMS System Abuse...

Finally, the theme of my blog, exposing 911 EMS abuse, is getting national attention...

http://money.cnn.com/2009/08/24/news/economy/healthcare_911_abuse/index.htm?postversion=2009082407

I'm so glad this issue is finally receiving national attention. However, my worry is that, when this issue receives enough exposure, a majority of the population will naturally want to do something to solve the problem. Uh-oh.

Then, some opportunist politician will emerge with a plan which will create a new, MORE socialist program for solving this problem, which will cost taxpayers even MORE money.

For example, the "nurse triage system," which will incentivize calling 911...people will say, "If you have any sort of medical problem, no matter how bad it is, you should call 911 first; they have nurses now, who will give you medical advice and let you know whether or not you have a real problem...always call 911 first." I imagine this new, 'you-get-to-talk-to-a-nurse-when-you-call-911' program will double the number of calls to 911. Due to liability, nurses can only turn away the most obviously stupid calls, so this will likely also double the number ambulance responses. Brilliant! Now, not only are you paying for nurses, you're also paying for a higher call volume.  What other bells and whistles can they add to 911 to make it more appealing?

You solve the problem by privatizing the system. Private companies will tell people "no."  And, if they don't, then at least it's their PRIVATE problem.

When did a human ever acquire the right to be taken care of, at someone else's forced expense?  I'm perplexed.

I Wasn't Born a Crusty Ambulance Driver...My First Run...

I wasn't born a Crusty Ambulance Driver. At one time I was a sympathetic trainee, in the back of the box. I was scared, conscientious, enthusiastic, and compassionate. At one point, I even remember getting fired up, thinking, 'I'm going to learn my job so well that nobody will ever die in my care.' This was long before the box beat my ass, over and over again, and transformed me into the ugly, cantankerous, crusty, shell of an EMT I am today. I look in the mirror and I hardly recognize the mean old bastard I've become.

I don't know if it was my first day or first run, but it's the first day I remember being on the box. I was in EMT school, doing my ambulance rotations. I remember actually being excited for my first several runs. I probably even had butterflies. I carried my EMT textbook with me so I could look up things I didn't remember, in order to more thoroughly care for my patients.

Who knows what the call was dispatched as. Back then, I was naive enough to think every call was an extremely life-threatening emergency. When we arrived on location of an old, do-it-yourself carwash, we found a man lying in the prone position, on the ground, and he was surrounded by a bunch of hobos, who were apparently his "roommates." The weather was very cold; the temperature outside must have been in the mid to high 30's.

My preceptor walked up to the patient, walked a half-circle around his head, and within 5 seconds, declared, "yep, he's dead."  I thought, 'What?!!! How do you know he's dead?!!...You didn't even check for a pulse, and we learned in EMT school that a person's not dead until he's WARM and dead.' Trying to suppress my surprise & disgust, and trying not reveal that I doubted him, I humbly asked my preceptor, "Not that I doubt you...I'm just trying to learn...but, how can you tell he's dead?"  My preceptor curtly responded, "Just look at him!"

I looked at him and saw that his face was purple, but I figured it was just because he was cold.  I asked, "Should someone check his pulse?"  He flippantly said, "Go ahead, but he's dead." Finally becoming frustrated, my preceptor grabbed the hobo's shoulder and rolled him over.  Pointing to his face, he asked, "See the lividity?" The hobo's face was flattened by the ground, and it didn't bounce back when he was rolled over (odd!). The front of his face was purple, and there was a clear line where the purple ended and white skin began. However, not really knowing what lividity looked like back then, I lied and responded, "Oh yeah, I see the lividity."

I was slightly intrigued and simultaneously horrified to see his face. Up to that point, I don't think I had really seen a dead guy in person, and it seemed weird to be looking at a real dead guy. I pretended like it didn't affect me. I also felt a little weird about saying he was "dead," right in front of the dead guy. I thought it might make him feel bad or something (...feel self-conscious about his dead-ness).

My preceptor further pointed out the rigormortis and showed me how to check for a pulse. Even though I had already been pretending to realize that he was dead for a long time, at that moment, I finally realized, for myself, that he was probably dead.

We interviewed his friends and asked about his medical conditions. One of the hobos explained that he had breathing problems, and he used an inhaler. My preceptor asked if he knew where the inhaler was. The dead hobo's friend said, "Yeah, I actually have it," and then he explained that the dead hobo kindly loaned him the inhaler the night before, because he was feeling like he was starting to have breathing problems of his own. My preceptor then told the dead hobo's friend that the dead hobo probably had an asthma attack during the night, and since he didn't have his inhaler, he passed out, and then died from the cold.

The dead hobo's friend immediately started crying while looking at the inhaler in his hand, as if it was a gun that he had just used to murder his best friend. Tearfully, the hobo's friend explained what a great hobo the deceased was and how much he will be missed by all of his hobo friends.

I got a big lump in my throat, my eyes got glassy, and I had to fight to hold back the tears (I couldn't let my preceptor know I was getting all emotional over a hobo). I wanted to give the filthy friend of the dead hobo a big hug and bring him home with me. I remember wondering how I could personally help this hobo (and all hobos) so that HE didn't end up freezing to death, face down in an old, do-it-yourself carwash. Of course I did nothing beyond thinking I should help him.

That may have been the first and last time I ever felt sympathy for a dead hobo and his surviving hobo friends. Even though I believe I give an honest effort to do everything I can to help save ANY patient's life; I don't believe I'm capable of feeling the same compassion I felt for that hobo on that day. I don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing, but everyday I lose a little bit more of that compassion I was once capable of feeling.

This post was written for "The Handover, Blog Carnival."  This month's theme was, "The First Emergency."  All the submissions for this month's edition, from various bloggers, can be found at: http://medicblog999.wordpress.com/2009/08/27/the-handover-edition-7/

Uh-Oh...How Do I Explain This One Away...

This one is a little more difficult to explain...slashing tires, bodily fluids in the food, promotions for sex, messing with somebody's SCBA? By the way, how does Jolanda Jones ("Jo-Jo") always find a way to 'Sheila-Jackson-Lee' her way into every camera shot pertaining to black or female issues? Is anyone else getting tired of this racist political opportunist?



It may be difficult to explain, but here it goes...
I don't condone people physically harming someone else or their property against their will, in fact, I'm vehemently opposed to it, and I believe in criminally prosecuting offenders to the fullest extent. However, first you have to prove it happened, and you have to prove a fireman did it. So, if you find yourself wondering if a fireman put urine (or other bodily fluids) in your food, or they slashed your tires, then you call the police for vandalism or assault, and you let the police investigate the complaint and prosecute any offenders.

This is also true for graffiti on personal belongings or graffiti on FD property. Graffiti on someone else's property is wrong, no matter what the reason is, and the perpetrator should be criminally prosecuted.

What's a Captain going to do when a female firefighter comes and complains that somebody at the station vandalized her car or put bodily fluids in her food? If I were a Captain, I would tell her that I would make a note of it, and now let's call the police to have them investigate. If it turns out that the police find out a fireman did those things, then that fireman should be criminally prosecuted and fired. To me, it isn't an issue of whether or not the crime was sexist or racist; it's an issue of whether or not it can be proven that some other fireman did it, for whatever reason. Who cares WHY someone committed a criminal act? The issue is whether or not the act WAS committed and WHO committed the act; and the way to find out is through a police investigation, not through a complaint with a station captain.

Good Ol' Boy Network
Rose Arenas claims they didn't help her because the FD is a "good ol' boy network." The FD officers didn't refuse to help her because it's "a good ol' boy network;" they didn't help her because, until she proves that someone actually did what she's saying they did, through a criminal investigation, then what the hell is a fire station captain supposed to do? There is nothing a station captain can do to help you, without indisputable evidence that your allegations are true.

Now, several years after the fact, how is anyone going to prove that these offenses actually occurred, and how is anyone going to prove that a fireman committed these offenses? Then, as if it matters, how is anyone going to prove that the motivation behind these offenses was sexist or racist?

Mentioning these offenses now, several years after the fact, only does exactly what you intended it do...it makes the general public believe there's a rampant problem with sexism in the FD, even though there's no way to prove these things actually occurred or that a fireman committed these acts.

I recently heard (from a primary source) that Rose Arenas keyed a fireman's red jeep, because she was mad that he pushed her into a burning warehouse, when she didn't want to go in with her crew. Again, this may or may not be true, but if it is true, it makes her quite the hypocrite, and it explains why some firemen may not have liked her, which had nothing to do with her gender. It had to do with her being a lazy piece of crap and being a bad firefighter.

Why Do Firemen Harass Eachother?
I don't believe anyone is harassed in the fire department, just because they are a female, or just because they are black. I believe EVERYONE is harassed in the FD for whatever reason a fireman can come up with, because firemen love to harass eachother. It's just that when you're black, or you're a woman, you can cry "racism" or "sexism," and you're protected from being harassed. People harass me because I look like a clown, but looking like a clown is not a legally protected physical characteristic, so I can't just cry "clownism" and make everyone stop (I wish I could use the clownism card).

Firemen harass other firemen because it's fun, it's a tool to establish social hierarchy, and it's a way for people to figure out if they can trust eachother. When firemen prove that they're committed to doing their job & pulling their own weight, in spite of any harassment; they prove that they can take a joke & and they prove they can associate with other firemen without being personally offended all the time; then other firemen are more than willing to accept them into their gaggle with trust and respect, regardless of their race or gender. Nobody cares what race or gender you are, just as long as you do your job, pull your weight, and get along with other people.

What I'm saying is, assuming firemen did put bodily fluids in her food, they slashed her tires, or they tampered with her SCBA; they didn't do it because she was a female. They did it for any one of a number of other reasons. Maybe she was a bitch, maybe she didn't pull her weight, maybe she didn't know how to do her job, or maybe she went around threatening to file sexism lawsuits on everyone for common, everyday teasing incidents. Whatever the reason was, I can almost guarantee the reason was not because she is a woman. I'm not saying I condone firemen's criminal acts; I'm just saying the reason they did it was not because of her sex.

Sex For Promotions
Most importantly, in one news report, Rose Arenas claims that someone offered her a promotion in exchange for sex. Most promotions in the FD are based on your score on a test, and there's no way someone can promote you if you perform sexual favors for them. However, there are some logistical/administrative positions, within the FD, where someone could be promoted for whatever reason the supervisor has to promote that person (sex?). But, who would want to have sex with that chick anyway?

Assuming someone in the FD DID offer her a promotion in exchange for sex, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM!? I'm getting really tired of hearing this complaint. If you're offered a promotion in exchange for sex, and you don't like the terms of the offer, then say "NO." If you say "no," then you're in the exact same position I'm in as a male; you have to work for the promotion and prove you deserve it because of your job performance.

I wish someone would offer ME a promotion in exchange for sex. I'm going to file a sexual discrimination lawsuit because someone HAS NOT offered me a promotion in exchange for sex, while someone else WAS offered that shortcut.

A supervisor may have a lot of different reasons for promoting someone. For example, a supervisor may be impressed with somebody's work performance, her attitude, her ability to get along with people; or a supervisor may just enjoy being around one person more than he enjoys being around someone else (maybe he prefers the way one person looks or acts). Whatever the reason may be, a supervisor is going to promote a person who best serves his needs. If you want to be promoted, then find out what the supervisor needs, and fulfill those needs.

It's in a supervisor's best interest to promote the best person for the job. If you want the promotion, then be the best person, and you'll be more likely to get the promotion. If you don't want to take a job, in exchange for sex, then say "no," and then become the best person for the job. Regardless of whether or not you'll have sex with your supervisor, you'll be more likely to get the job if you're the best person for the job.

More often than not, in today's world, women are actually more likely to use their sex appeal as an asset to climb the corporate ladder, rather than complain that men perceive them as sex objects. So, stop complaining about sexist treatment, and join the women who have learned how to use men's sexual weakness to their professional advantage. If you don't want to use your sex appeal as an asset, then be the best person for the job. I wish I could 'short-skirt' my way to the top of an organization.

Now What Am I to Believe?...Some Women in HFD Actually Think the FD Treats Women Equally Imagine that, women who do their jobs and get along with other people somehow don't feel like the FD is sexist.

HFD Racism & Sexism Rallies By Racists & Sexists

Update on the Rallies...
Respect Rally for women: Attendance was dismal. The media and organizers of the rally comprised approximately 75-80% of the total attendance at the rally. Of the non-media, non-organizer attendees, there were approximately 20 people in attendance and 80% were black. Deric Muhammed was there, along with several other black community activists. Wanda Adams, a Houston City Councilwoman, sponsored the rally (she actually seems like a really nice, level-headed woman). Jolanda Jones ("Jo-Jo"), the woman who recently called the HFD Union President a "House Negro," showed up late (that's how much she really cares), at around 12:33 p.m., and she went straight to the front, facing the crowd, so she would be noticed. There were about 8 black firefighters in attendance. Several women spoke, and Jane's attorney spoke on her behalf (she was not in attendance). A couple of women prayed to God that Sexism and Racism would end, and one woman even sang a song over some crappy outdoor speakers...it was awful. One woman passionately cried, while alleging that the world is out to get women and minorities. Another woman said that all she wants is equal treatment for women and minorities, then she expressed her support for discriminatory practices on behalf of women & minorities, such as Affirmative Action. One woman prayed to God that he would "stop racism, sexism, and people hating other people, just because they're different." I wanted to pray back at her, and ask God to help people understand that people don't generally hate other people just because they're different; they hate other people because they're a pain in the ass, or because they ask for special treatment, and they ask the government to legislate their requests for special treatment. I just sat back and spectated, and at one point, I was hit on by a dude, strung out on meth, who invited me to go to the library with him. For some reason, I just wasn't in the mood that day for some gay sex with a strange druggy in the library. Hopefully I didn't squander a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Flames of Racism Rally: I did not actually see the rally. It started at around 12 p.m., and by the time I arrived, at around 1:20 p.m., the flames of racism had already been self-extinguished (it was kind of hot outside...not a good day for a flaming outdoor rally). Reportedly, there were about 70-100 people in attendance, and they ended up finishing off the rally with a little mini-parade through the streets of downtown Houston. I have a feeling they did not persuade too many people to want to give equal but special treatment to the members of their particular group, distinguished by their shirts & signs, which declare their membership in a distinct group, characterized by their race. That really sounds like a sure-fire recipe for ending racial discrimination...asking for special consideration (a.k.a., discrimination) for a particular race. I went to the city council meeting which followed the rally, and apparently, the flames of racist anti-racism were not about to be re-kindled in the city council meeting. The meeting seemed uneventful, and my parking meter was about to run out, so I left.



I imagine some of the flames of racism were pre-extinguished by Captain Smith's public apology, which was issued yesterday and aired on all the major local news channels. Captain Smith spoke with representatives of the NAACP, and he explained that he was not aware that a noose was a symbol of racism, he did not intend to offend anyone, and his possession of the noose, which he has carried ever since fire school, was to remind him of the knots he learned in fire school. The NAACP accepted his apology and agreed that he probably did not realize he was offending people by possessing a piece of rope, tied in a certain knots, within his personal locker. The NAACP even recommended that the written reprimand, issued to Captain Smith by his supervisor, be removed from his personnel file, since his acts were not considered to be racist. Captain Otis Jordan responded by declaring that he did not accept Captain Smith's public apology. I imagine he did not want to accept the apology because it would have diminished the motivation of 'his people' to hold an angry, 'flames of racism' rally.

I'm not looking to oppress black people or women; I'm completely in favor of equality. I'm just tired of minorities getting their way and receiving discriminatory, special treatment, in their favor, through legislation. I hope people take a stand this time, and they don't give in, just because it's apparently not politically correct to tell black activists & feminists that they're wrong. It's time to take a stand and start telling these people that equality does not mean 'special treatment'...equal means equal. It's time we start judging people based on the content of their character, rather than the color of their skin (or their gender). Stop pointing out the color of your skin (or your gender) and asking people to give you special consideration, and maybe the rest of us can eventually start forgetting about the color of your skin (or your gender).

"It's Racism, Sexism, and all kind of Isms"

"It's Racism, Sexism, and all kind of Isms" --Perry Wooten, Harris County Constable, after being convicted of theft from Harris County, blaming his situation on 'isms.'

Wasn't Obama Supposed to Fix All This Racism Stuff?...
I'm not saying I work for the Houston Fire Department, but I happen to know that, lately, they've been having a lot of problems with Racism, Sexism, and all kinds of 'isms.' I'm sure HFD has had a lot of problems with 'isms' over the years, but recently, it seems like it's become a lot worse. When I say it's become a lot worse, I don't mean racism or sexism; I really just mean ALLEGATIONS of racism or sexism have become worse.

Wasn't all this stuff supposed to go away when Obama was elected President? Wasn't that supposed to make black people, and minorities in general, feel empowered and feel like the world isn't out to get them anymore? ...Because..., if Obama can become President, then obviously people aren't racist anymore, right? In fact, I know a lot of people (black and white) voted for Obama for very few other reasons, other than that he's black (although, somehow, that's not racism). White people voted for Obama, because in some ways, they were hoping, if a black man was elected, then it would prove that the majority of the U.S. is not racist anymore, and minorities no longer have a reason to blame their problems on 'isms.'

The Noose in the Locker Incident...The Incident That Started Everything...
Recently (2/13/09), a white Captain of HFD was discovered to be in possession of a noose, hanging on the inside of his locker door. It was determined by HFD that the possession of a piece of rope, tied in the formation of noose, was racially offensive to black people.

I don't know how a noose ever became a symbol of racism. I've tied a lot of nooses, and I've never once thought about hanging a black person when I tied a noose. I've also spoken with several other white people, and none of them apparently knew they were being racist when they tied a noose. Apparently, black people are offended by nooses because nooses were used to hang black people in "lynchings." I would bet that a lot more white people have been hung by a noose than black people. If anything, white people ought to be more offended by nooses.

Anyway, HFD decided that the possession of a noose is a racist statement, regardless of a person's intentions, and the Captain was reprimanded by his supervisor. His supervisor wrote a note in his personnel file (Form 42) and told him to remove the noose from his locker. Done deal, right? ...WRONG!

City Council Circus
Several months later, several black activists showed up to the Houston City Council to protest the fact that the "racist" Captain was not fired for being in possession of a noose. They complained about racism within HFD, and they demanded that the City fire the Captain, his supervisor, the Fire Chief, and the Assistant Fire Chief, because the Captain had a piece of rope, tied in a racist manner, and his supervisors failed to fire him. At one point, a member of the BLACK FIRE FIGHTERS UNION, and the president of the Houston Black FireFighters Association, Captain Otis Jordan, was in possession of noose, and he was waving it in the air toward a group of black people in the audience. How is that not racism? I guess black people can't be racist, even when they are waving a noose at a bunch of black people?

One of the most educational aspects of the City Council meeting was when a fine, upstanding, highly educated, black citizen of Houston also declared the word "picnic" to be a racist word, stating that the word was derive from the two words "pick" and "nigger;" and she said that a "picnic" was originally an occasion in which white people gathered to "pick a nigger and lynch him." Snopes.com disagrees with this assertion.

I've heard there will be a City Council meeting, open to the public, on July 28th, at 2 p.m., wherein they will discuss whether this Captain should be fired, and what should be done in the FD to prevent future displays of racist knots. There will also be a "Flames of Racism" rally on the front steps of City Council at 12:00 p.m., by the Houston Black Firefighters Association (a.k.a., the Houston Black Power, Anti-white, Racist FF's), where they will hoot and holler about 'how to put out the flames of racism' in the fire department. I suggest an anti-racism, counter-protest. I'll be there, and I suggest everyone be there that can make it. I'd bet some of the black firefighters will be in possession of nooses, or have pictures of nooses on their shirts, if you want to bring a camera to record their possession of racist symbols.

Zero Tolerance Policy...Let's Fire Some White People For Arbitrary Reasons!
City Council wants to institute a "Zero Tolerance Policy" on racism, in which, if someone decides to be offended by something (anything), then the offender will get fired. One city council woman, Jolanda Jones, stated, "I can't believe they have a Zero Tolerance Policy on smoking a BLUNT, but they don't have a Zero Tolerance Policy on racism" (she repeated this statement approximately 5 times). Jo-Jo also began crying when one of the other city council members stated that she was 'not aware of a noose being a symbol of racism, and she reasoned that it's possible that some people don't know that black people are offended by nooses.' Jo-Jo wildly and tearfully ranted about 'how could anyone live in Texas and not know that nooses are racist symbols?'

Since the racist rope configuration was found, HFD has issued an Order to its employees to not be racist anymore. The FD told its employees that if you don't know if a word or symbol is offensive, you should go to the Assistant Chief and ask him if it is considered to be offensive. White male members of HFD might as well just bring a Webster's dictionary and every object in the world to the Assistant Chief and ask him to clarify which items are racist, ...especially if there is going to be a "Zero Tolerance Policy" on racism, in which racism is defined by anyone who feels like he is offended by anything.

I guess they're going to have to make a list of all the words and objects that are considered to be offensive, so that everyone will know what they are. Then, if they're going to make a list of things white males can't say or do, I figure white people should come up with a list of all the things that offend them also. We can't have white people being the only people in jeopardy of losing their jobs for being racist. I suggest white people should decide to be offended by a "granny knot," since it's called a granny knot because dumb, white grannies didn't know any better than to tie a granny knot. Then, if we ever see someone with a "granny knot," they will be fired.

Diversity Training To The Rescue...Are There Differences or Aren't There Differences?
In addition to issuing an Order to not be racist anymore, HFD created a course in diversity, and required all of its members to take the course. The course explained that we should not discriminate or prejudge, because nobody is different; however, the course further explained that people are different from each other because of their race, culture, or ethnicity. Then the course explained some of the differences in people's race, culture, and ethnicity. One time, HFD even approved a 'diversity awareness' book for a Captain's test which explained that black people who limp and swing their arms when they walk, don't have a problem; they're just showing their pride with the way they walk. The book also explained that 'ebonics' is a perfectly acceptable, alternative way of speaking English.

I'm confused! Are groups of people different from each other or aren't they different? If I'm being told that one group of people, differentiated by certain traits, are different from another group of people, then shouldn't I be able to prefer one group of people over another (discriminate or prejudge)? If black people are going to say "Our culture," or "Our people," or "My brothers/sisters," or "Our Community," or just say "We" or "Us;" then shouldn't white people also be able to recognize that there are different cultures, characterized by certain attitudes, customs, forms of dressing, or forms of speaking; and shouldn't white people be able to point out the differences between the cultures and express which differences they prefer or don't prefer? Black people can support businesses of "their people," or "hire one of their own," or prefer to socialize with a fellow "brother/sister;" but white people can't have similar preferences?

If there are differences, then some of the differences are going to be good, and some of them are going to be bad, based on the relative perspective of each individual, right? However, if you're a white person, don't let anyone catch you saying anything bad about "You people" or "those people." Black people can say "We" and "Us," but white people can't say "You" or "Them." You can say positive things about black people, like "they sure are athletic," or "they sure dance well," or "those black comedians sure are funny, especially when they make fun of white people," or "I'm sure glad a black man is the president;" but don't be caught saying "black people annoy me, because of blank," or "I wish we didn't have a black man as a president," or "Black people aren't very good at taking multiple choice tests, because they generally aren't as educated" (even though that assertion originated from a group of black people, complaining about multiple choice tests being racist). Chris Rock is not a racist when he points out all the positive and negative differences between black people and white people, but if Cosmo Cramer says something about black people, he's a racist.

Other 'Ism' Incidents in HFD...

The Unintentional Racist Radio Broadcast Incident...
When the racist rope was found in a Captains locker, the local news ran stories about the incident and interviewed black people in the community. One black person stated he 'couldn't trust a red-neck with a noose in his locker to provide good service to his people.' A few weeks after this incident occurred, a couple of (allegedly white) firefighters (allegedly from Station 9) were talking about the incident and the reaction of the City of Houston, and they accidentally had their microphone keyed on their radio. Their conversation was broadcasted across the entire city, over fire department radios.

In their conversation, they expressed that they were upset that black people can call white people "red-necks," without repercussion, and they said they should jump on the 'ultra-sensitive bandwagon' and be offended that black people called the Captain a "red-neck." They also mentioned that black people can create a "United Negro College Fund" & "Black Caucus;" but if white people were to create a "White College Fund" or a "White Caucus," then people would "have a stroke," and accuse them of being racist.

These firefighters were actually decrying racism. They were explaining that they don't like the fact that when black people are racist, they get away with it. They were explaining that it wasn't fair that white people are persecuted for racism, but black people are almost encouraged to be racist.

Anyway, the local news channels got a hold of the radio broadcast tapes, and they played them on the news. Once again, the news channels gathered black people's reactions to their conversation. The black community was very upset, they accused the firefighters of being racist, and the Fire Chief was grilled for allowing racism in his fire department, once again. Black people wondered how these racists could be relied upon to give quality service to other black people in the City of Houston.

The not-so-funny thing is, these firefighters were anything but racist; they were actually speaking out against racism. They were speaking out against racism by black people on white people. It's odd that when white people accuse black people of being racist, the white people are labeled racists, and their ability to provide quality service is called into question; however, if a black person calls a white person a racist, he is considered to be a heroic 'whistle-blower.'

As it turns out, the Fire Chief promised to investigate who the perpetrators were of such a (anti) racist conversation, and he promised to punish them for saying such (anti) racist things.

The Women's Restroom Graffiti Incident...
Somebody wrote some graffiti on the wall of the women's restroom at Station 54, an airport rescue station. It is rumored that the graffiti said something about "die," "bitches," and "nigger-lover." In addition, someone defiled a photo of Jane Draycott and her daughter, who was killed in a car accident in 2006, writing "die" on Jane's face and "dead" on her daughter's face. HFD promised to investigate the incident, and they even promised to bring in the U.S. Justice Department to investigate the incident. Recently, an article was written in the Chronicle, which explains why members of the fire station would be upset with Ms. Draycott. The bottom line is, she wanted exclusive access to a room and a restroom, even when she wasn't at work. These rooms were previously being utilized people on other shifts for various reasons, and she was asking them to change their habits, since she was a female, even when she wasn't present. The reason she wanted exclusive access is because she didn't like other people making messes in these rooms, so she used the fact that she's a female to limit other people's access to these rooms. When they resisted, she labeled their resistance "sexism." Eventually they became irritated that she was using the "sexism card" to get her way. Then they became generally irritated with the presence of a female at their station, requiring special treatment, and potentially use the "sexism card" to get people in trouble.

This kind of parallels the feelings white people have when black people start using the "racism card" to get their way. It's not that they don't like black people; they just don't want to have to start acting differently when a black person is around, for fear of getting in trouble.

Many firefighters believe Jane Draycott wrote the graffiti herself. There are rumors that Jane normally shows up to the fire station at around 6:05-6:10, without any make-up, and without her hair done. On this morning, she showed up at around 5:30 with her make-up and hair done, as if she was preparing for something out of the ordinary. At approximately 7:00, the graffiti was found, the station captain was notified, and somehow the news channels were also notified. There are also rumors that she rolled a pumper, burned her house down, was the mistress of a chief that ended up getting a divorce and killing himself, and she's always trying to get people in trouble with allegations of 'sexism.'

There is supposed to be a "Respect Rally" for the women of Station 54 on the steps of Houston City Council on July 22, 2009, at 12:05 p.m. I guess they're going to get together and get all emotional about the rights of women to force people to go out of their way to accomodate them, and treat them differently in the workplace, or something. I mean, do they want equal treatment, or do they want SPECIAL treatment, because nobody else gets his own room and bathroom?

The Intentional Radio Broadcast Incident...
Apparently, on around 7/8/09, somebody broadcasted a bunch of racial slurs on a fire department radio. It was either a member of HFD, someone who stole a FD radio, or somebody figured out how to broadcast messages on a fire department radio frequency. The Fire Chief believes someone purchased a radio transmitter from Radio Shack, which is reportedly very easy to do, and they broadcasted racial slurs from their homemade radio. They know this because each radio transmission is stamped with a source code, and this particular radio broadcast came from an unknown source. The president of the Black Caucus stated that he thought this was not impossible, he demanded HFD find out which racist member of HFD broadcasted those racist slurs, and he demanded the racist be fired.

The Racist Cadets and Their Racist Rope Configurations
I never saw this story on the news, but I've heard that a cadet of the HFD academy was fired for being in possession of a noose (after the Captain with the Noose Incident). The cadet reportedly argued his case, and he was given another chance to go to the HFD Academy, but he had to go to a later class, and he lost all the time he had spent in his former HFD Academy class. The black cadet who reported the white cadet was in possession of a noose, later reported that two other cadets were in possession of nooses. The HFD Academy Administrators decided they should investigate the incident and see the nooses for themselves, before they fired someone again. They asked the black cadet to show them where the nooses were. When they found the "nooses," they found out they were not actually nooses; they were in fact Bowline knots, which are knots that each cadet is required to know. Bowline knots resemble nooses in appearance, but not in function.

How to Avoid Letting a Piece of Rope Get You Fired
If you are messing around with a piece of rope, do not allow it to end up in any of these configurations. Do not even tie your rope in any these racist knots if you need the knot for boating, fishing, or hunting; you will lose your job. Or, I guess if you really need the knot for something, check to make sure there are no black people around, tie it really quickly, use it, and then quickly untie the knot, before anyone sees it. Here's how NOT to tie a noose:

However, you may allow your rope to be tied in this configuration; but I would recommend if you do tie this knot, make sure you clearly label the knot a "bowline knot, not a noose," or you may be fired anyway, by people who don't know the difference.

Somehow Good Ol' Fashioned Fun Is Somehow Tied into Racism
A rookie at Station 67 was talked into getting into a rotating office chair, equipped with two air bottles, also known as a "Rookie Rocket." They turned on the air bottles, and the rookie spun like a beautiful ballerina. Nobody was hurt, and everybody got a bit of a chuckle out of it. They posted the video on YouTube, and the local news got a hold of the video. The media once again interviewed the President of the Black Caucus, and he somehow made the absurd connection between people having fun at the fire station and racism. How does a "Rookie Rocket" have anything to do with racism?

HFD Apparently Has a Problem With Racism, Sexism, and All Kind of 'Isms'
Is HFD racist, or are people being too sensitive? I don't know. What I do know is that people, in general, don't want to be racist. People have a natural desire to serve their own best interests. If it's beneficial for a person to associate with another person, then the person won't worry about skin color, sex, age, etc. People are generally trying to forget about the differences between them and other people. The problem is, they are constantly reminded of the differences by the very people who claim to be ending racism, sexism, and all other 'isms.'

My opinion is... if we want people to stop discriminating against other people, then let's stop pointing out the differences. If there are no differences between us, then let's stop saying "we," "us," and "our people;" and let's stop having "Diversity Training," in which we learn how black people are different from white people. If there ARE differences between us, then stop choosing to be offended when other people recognize the differences.

The truth is, choosing to be offended is choosing to allow someone else to control your emotions. The fact that many black people are offended by the word "nigger" actually gives white people the power to control their emotions. A white person knows he can ruin a black person's day by just saying one little word. Why would you want to give that control to other people? It's like giving someone a 'ruin your day' button. Are you looking for ways to be offended, or are you looking for ways to not be offended? Do you actually WANT to be offended? If not, then stop looking for it.

If anything, the biggest reason people discriminate today is for the sole purpose of trying to avoid being put in a situation where they may have to defend allegations of some sort of 'ism.' People don't want to be around someone who might accuse them of 'isms,' and get them in trouble. Stop accusing people of being racist and sexist, stop asking for special treatment, and maybe people will start wanting to be around you; and most of all, they'll stop thinking of you as being different. Nothing creates a hostile work environment more than accusations of 'isms.'

If you think you're different, then don't be offended when other people agree with you. If you don't want to be different, then make an attempt to blend in, and stop giving people reasons to believe you're different.

In general, people aren't afraid of snakes with rattles on their tales for no reason. People discriminate for a reason. It's a good human trait to develop. Discrimination is what keeps people from wanting to pet wild bears, and it's what attracts them to cute puppies. It's also what helps people avoid associations with people that may cause them harm. How did the ability to discriminate ever become a deplorable human trait? If you don't want people to discriminate against you, then stop giving them reasons to discriminate. If you want to be different, then realize that other people are justified in discriminating against you.

I Think We Really Saved the World This Time...

Super-Magic, Paramedical Healification Machinery
6:24 We responded to the home of a 32 y/o HF CO breathing too much and feeling light-headed. The paramedics showed up and ran a 12-lead on her, and then they told her that nothing appeared to be wrong with her. After they told her the machine said nothing was wrong, she stopped hyperventilating, she stated she felt fine, and she decided she didn't need an ambulance anymore. I guarantee she'll call us the next time it happens so we can fix her again with our machines.

Kashi Cereal Attack
10:41 We responded to the home of a 40 y/o AF because she was reported as having blood gushing from her nose as she was arguing with her boyfriend on the front lawn. The neighbors thought they would do the nicest thing a neighbor can do for another neighbor and call an ambulance for her. When we arrived, the boyfriend was gone, and she told us she didn't want an ambulance. We noticed there was a book on the table called, "Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them." We asked her what was going on. She explained they were arguing and SHE chucked a box of Kashi cereal at HIM. After that, the boyfriend stormed out of the house while she pursued him, yelling at him. She says the boyfriend never hit her, and she didn't have any marks or blood that would indicate he did hit her. When the boyfriend walked away, after being a victim of a Kashi cereal attack, the neighbor who called 911 gave chase to the fleeing victim, eventually apprehending him and bringing him to justice. When the neighbor brought the boyfriend back in a car, the boyfriend was talking to his anger counselor on the phone. Apparently the neighbor got a little too excited over the situation since, as it turns out, nothing really happened.

Diabetes & The Holy Ghost Apparently Have Very Similar Symptoms
11:18 We responded to a Baptist church near downtown for a 42 y/o BM CO low blood sugar. He took his insulin, just before going to church, didn't eat, and proceeded to very actively praise Jesus for a couple of hours. Eventually he fell out, and after a while of lying on the ground, unconscious, his fellow worshippers realized he wasn't just having a Holy Ghost attack. After we gave him some D50 (sugar), the Holy Ghost left him, and he became coherent. We asked him if he had food at the house, and he said he did, but he didn't like any of the food he had. Since he didn't like the food he had at the house, one of the church members went and bought him a turkey & ham sandwich, on wheat, with lettuce, tomatoes, and swiss cheese. She also gave him some chicken noodle soup and 4 packs of Zesta crackers. Mmmm...Mm.  Apparently the Holy Ghost is powerless against D50 and turkey & ham on wheat.

We Saved A Man From Being Put Out of His Misery
12:01 We were called to a nursing for a 75 y/o BM receiving CPR. The nurses found him dead for unknown reasons, and he was dead for an unknown period of time. When we asked what medical conditions he had, the nursing home didn't know. Why should they know what medical conditions their patient has, right? Knowing the patient's medical conditions doesn't make the government check any bigger. We took over CPR, and surprisingly, we got pulses back on the guy. Now he can be in a permanent vegatative state in the nursing home that doesn't care enough about him to find out his medical conditions. The dude may have been better off if he had just died.

What? An Ambulance Can't Detect Internal Hematomas?
14:07 We responded to the high-rise condominium unit of a 64 y/o WF CO a snow globe breaking on her head. She did not have any cuts or contusions; she didn't even have much pain. She just worried that it might have caused an internal hematoma. We told her we had no way of knowing if she had an internal hematoma, but we could take her to the hospital, and they could find out. She said, "well aren't you paramedics?" We said, "yes, we are, but that doesn't certify us to know if you have an internal hematoma." Eventually she realized we were worthless, and she decided she didn't need us. Education is so annoying, isn't it?

Do-Gooders, Attempting to Ruin a 2 Y/O's Life
17:59 We responded to the parking lot of a car wash for a 2 1/2 y/o HF CO a bleeding and swollen top lip. Bystanders stated the driver of the car (the father of the little girl) pulled into the parking lot, and turned around and beat the girl. The bystanders called us and the police, and they detained the family. The bystanders were super emotional when we arrived. One guy even told us he was about to kick the guy's ass, but he thought he shouldn't since the little girl was there (how many times have you heard a guy say, "I'd kick his ass, BUT..."?). The family denied the father beat the girl. They say they stopped suddenly and she hit her lip on the seat. They say they pulled over and frantically pulled her out of the seat because they were worried. They say the little girl resisted because she was hurt and scared. The bystanders misinterpreted that as being abuse.

As we were leaving for the hospital, with the little girl and her mother in the ambulance, one of the bull-dyke bystanders opened the door to the ambulance and emotionally pleaded for the woman to tell the "truth" to the police. She said, "Please tell them the truth and press charges...just trust the police and social workers...tell them the truth...they'll help you...it will be OK."

That made me wonder, how does that bull-dyke know it will be OK? Suppose the man did hit his daughter on the lip; would it be better for the little girl if her father was locked up in prison for the next 5 years, raped by other inmates and given HIV, while the family struggles to put food on the table without the father working for a living? Or would it be better for the little girl if they sent her to a foster home, where the foster parents don't give a shit about her...they only care about the gubment check they get every month for being foster parents? The foster parents will likely sexually or physically abuse her even more than the father did. How is that better than taking an occasional punishment from your father? Since when is it the job of the rest of the world to tell people how to punish their kids? And since when is not having a father, or being lost in our socialist foster care system, better than occasionally being punished by a father?

Dislocated Shoulder
21:08 We responded to the home of a 32 y/o WF who slipped and fell on the stairs. She hurt her shoulder and her right flank. She had extensive bruising and a possibly dislocated shoulder. We took her to the hospital in the ambulance, since she was in a little bit of pain. The ambulance makes pain completely disappear, in case you didn't know...

Doctors Doing What Doctors Do Best...Calling Less Qualified EMT's
00:00 We responded to the super nice home of a 72 y/o AM CO altered mental status. The family of the patient said his mental status has been deteriorating over the past 1 1/2 hours. Everyone in the house was a doctor, so they did they best thing they could do for the guy...they called a couple of far-less-qualified, EMT-Basics to take care of him. The patient walked to the ambulance, and we took him to the hospital for a possible stroke. The family followed behind us in their car, after they told us which hospital to go to (which was not the closest stroke facility).

Blue Pill Neutralizers To The Rescue
6:23 We responded to the home of a 24 y/o WM CO feeling like his throat was closing up from the "blue pills" he took recreationally 4 hours prior to calling 911. He said he was at a party and he wasn't feeling good, so he walked 4 miles to his house, so he could call 911. The house party was only a couple of miles from the closest hospital. We mitigated his highly emergent condition by driving him to the hospital in our giant, gubment-funded, magic, blue-pill neutralizing machine (the ambulance).

Deep Throat?...Sometime Around 2001-2002

So I was minding my own business, happily serving the citizens of my city by providing emergency medical services, as usual, and I was called to a sick person.

I arrived to find a 60+ y/o WM complaining of complications caused by his chronic illnesses. He had Hepatitis-C, and he had lost quite a bit of weight in the previous few weeks. He was dehydrated, and he thought he was about to die. To me, he also appeared to be on death's door. He weighed about 120 pounds, and he had trouble standing up by himself. He wanted to go to the VA Hospital, so I happily obliged. I probably even said something like, "Anything you'd like sir...at your service," because that's the type of civil servant I am.

When he and I were alone in the back of the ambulance, on the way to the hospital, he told me I was a really nice guy, and he told me that he thought he was probably going to die soon. I didn't disagree. Then he said, "I want to tell you something...Have you ever heard of Deep Throat?" I said, "Yeah...from the Watergate thing (as opposed to the porno)?" Then he replied, in a very deep voice, "Well, you're looking at him."

He didn't appear to be the typical crazy, drunk, delusional, Vietnam Vet; everything he had said, up until then, seemed perfectly coherent and reasonable. He was looking at me like he was dead serious, while I was smiling, waiting for the joke. All in all, I had trouble doubting what he said.

I was kind of flustered and slightly incredulous, and I responded, "(duh) Really, how many people know about this?" He said, "Including you, three." I said, "Woodard, Bernstein, and me?" He said, "Yep."

I proceeded to ask him a bunch of questions about his role in the government at the time, his history in the military, and the government agency for which he worked. At no point did he seem like a schizophrenic, drunk lunatic, with delusions of grandeur. I hear a lot of B.S. from our patients, but this guy did not seem like he was B.S.ing me. He told me detailed stories of being in the military and working in government agencies. I told him I was once interested in joining FBI or CIA, and he emphatically encouraged me not to do it, warning me that it would completely ruin my relationships with my wife and family.

I said goodbye to him at the hospital, and I thought about it all day. I tried to think of reasons why he would be lying to me or why he might have been a crazed lunatic, but the more I thought about it, the more I became convinced that he wasn't lying. Several months later, I thought about it again, and I attempted to look on the internet to see if anyone had researched the real identity of Deep Throat. I found quite a bit of information about Deep Throat, along with several lists of possible candidates. A guy named John Dean and several other college professors had apparently dedicated their lives to finding out who Deep Throat was. I almost felt bad that these dudes had dedicated their entire lives to figuring who Deep Throat was, and all I had to do was give him a ride in the ambulance and act nice to him.

Later, in 2005, it was revealed that William Mark Felt, Sr. was "Deep Throat." The funny thing was that William Mark Felt, Sr. was not the guy I transported to the hospital that day. However, it was interesting that, when it was revealed that Mr. Felt was Deep Throat, Mr. Felt had no memory of being Deep Throat. Apparently he had Alzheimer's Disease, and he couldn't remember much of anything, but since everyone was telling him that he was Deep Throat, he believed it and went along with it.

So...who is the real Deep Throat, and why would people want us to believe that it was William Mark Felt, Sr., when it really wasn't? Or...why was this seemingly normal & sane dude just lying to me about being Deep Throat? The world may never know. I wish I had the resources to find the guy I transported and ask him about all this stuff, but he's probably dead anyway.

A Few Deaths, A Possible Hobo-MI, And a Bunch of B.S.

Only WE Are Capable of Professionally Asking, "Are you OK?"
8:10 We were called to a motor vehicle incident by a bystander. When we showed up, we asked if everyone was OK. The bystander said, "I think everyone is OK, but I wanted you guys to go check out that little boy over there...I don't think he has any injuries, but I just wanted you guys to check him out." I said, "Well, sir, I'll go over there and ask him if he's OK, then I'll ask his if he's OK, but that's all I can really do without an X-ray machine." It turns out, the boy said he did not have any injuries, and his mom said he was OK. ...I'm glad I could professionally do what no citizen is quite as capable as I am of doing...ask someone if they are injured and if they need an ambulance.

Imagine How Many Ambulances We Would Need If Everyone Called For Every Migraine Headache...
12:43 We were called to a 28 y/o HF complaining of migraine headaches. She was driving to go pick up her child from school, and when she arrived at the school, she couldn't take it anymore, and someone called 911 for her. She has an extensive history of migraine headaches, and her head was hurting since early that morning, with no change in pain. We drove her to the hospital where the doctors confirmed that did in fact have migraines, and she needs to take her medicine. If we transported every person that ever got a migraine headache, we would do nothing more than transport migraine headache victims.

Hobo With a Possible MI
14:40 We were called to the parking lot of a liquor store for a 62 y/o WM hobo, who was complaining of chest pain. We transported him to the hospital for a possible MI. We gave him aspirin and started an IV of Sodium Chloride. We pretty well saved his glorious life.

Do You REALLY Want Socialized Health Care for Everyone?
16:04 We were called to the home of a 35 y/o HF who was complaining of abdominal pain for the past 3 days. She went to the county hospital the day prior to calling us, but she left the socialized health care hospital after waiting for 8 hours with no help. She called us 15 1/2 hours after leaving the hospital, because she couldn't take the pain anymore. We gladly returned her to the socialized health care hospital, where they asked us to put her in the waiting room, along with the other 100+ people waiting for socialized health care.

Guy Does Nothing to Help Himself and Somehow Still Feels Sick
19:24 A 55 y/o HM called us because he was feeling kind of sick. He just left the hospital yesterday, where he was told that he has a pancreas infection, kidney failure, and he needs dialysis. He called us because, one day later, after doing nothing to fix his infection or need for dialysis. He said he still feels sick, so he needs to go back to the hospital.

Did Not Consult a Physician Before Running on a Treadmill
21:01 We were called to the apartment of a 24 y/o WF (she was actually kind of hot), who was complaining of breathing problems. She starting working out tonight, for the first time in a long time, and she couldn't catch her breath. When she couldn't catch her breath, she started to panic, and when she started to panic, she couldn't catch her breath even more. She was hyperventilating. After talking to her for a while, her breathing slowed down, she felt fine, and she decided she didn't need an ambulance. She obviously did not follow the instructions on the sticker on the side of the treadmill, which clearly stated, "Please consult a physician before running on this treadmill."

Just Another Car Accident...2 Dead, 1 Alive, 1 Unknown...
00:29 We were called to just another motor vehicle incident... ... ... ... Not. When we arrived, one guy had already been transported to the hospital with a severed spinal cord (later I heard that he didn't make it), and another dude was covered with a sheet, pronounced dead on the scene. Both dudes were thrown from their Cadillac when it started rolling, when they didn't make a corner at 100+ MPH on a 3-lane street. Our patient was a 21 y/o HF, who was still trapped in the mangled Cadillac. She was not wearing her seatbelt, but somehow she stayed inside the car. The rescue crew spent about 30 minutes to tear apart the car in order to get her out. Surprisingly, she appeared to have very minor injuries, she was conscious but intoxicated, and it looks like she was going to make it. The scary part of this whole incident was when we found an empty car seat in the back seat of the Cadillac. We asked the girl if she has a baby; she said yes. We asked her if the baby was in the car with her, and she said yes. We looked everywhere for a baby, but we didn't find anything. We tried our best to find out, but we still have no idea if there was a baby in the car. We're hoping that the girl was intoxicated, and she was confused about the baby being in the car.

Breathing Problem, 4 Blocks From the Hospital
3:56 We were called to a (closed) convenience store for a 52 y/o WM hobo, who calls us extremely often from this same location...it's the closest pay phone to his homeless hideout. This pay phone is precisely 4 blocks from the nearest hospital. If he would have started walking to the hospital right when he called us, he would have arrived at the hospital before we could have arrived at the convenience store. He complained of having breathing problems. He had just left the hospital a few hours prior for the same problem. He was not wheezing, and he had 100% oxygen saturation. I'm assuming he called us because it was very cold out. We took him to the hospital, just like we always do.

Very Successful Suicide Attempt...With the Help of an Online Tutorial
5:59 This call came in as a "Shooting...Bystander CPR in Progress." We arrived to find a 28 y/o WM laying in his bed, covered in blood and brains, and his mother was giving him chest compressions. She was also covered in blood & brains. The chest compressions had no chance of helping him, because he had done a REALLY good job of shooting himself in the head. She was really just pumping the blood & brains out of the hole in his head with every compression.

The mother said she heard two simultaneous shots while she was sleeping, and she ran to his room and found him dead (yes, two shots...I don't know how, but there were two shells on the floor....I'm guessing the second shot was due to a finger-reflex, as he was dying).

One of the most interesting aspects of this suicide was that the guy shot himself while following internet instructions on how to shoot yourself in the head. His laptop was in his bed, opened to the internet site. Apparently he was following the internet instructions like someone would follow internet instruction on 'how to fix your dishwasher.' The internet website is http://community.livejournal.com/prodeath/29306.html, in case you sick freaks want to take a look. Below, I've posted some of the pictures from the website, but the website also has a bunch of other pictures of people who were unsuccessful at shooting themselves, in addition to some instructional text. It's worth taking a look, especially if you're looking for an instructional tutorial.

The guy's mother asked a firefighter to assist her in calling some friends and family. One of those people was the guy's fiancee, who was at the guy's house the night before, playing Scrabble (I forgot to ask who won...I'm guessing the suicidal guy didn't win). The firefighter called the fiancee and told her that something was wrong, and that she needed to come over to the house. She said she would be there in 5 minutes.

My partner and I had put away some equipment and finish writing our report, so we went out to the ambulance. We were both sitting in the front seat, talking about what we just saw, and I mentioned that I wanted to go back in the house when the girlfriend arrived. Surprisingly, he said that he also wanted to be there when she arrived. I asked him why HE wanted to be there when the fiancee arrived, and he said it was because he wanted to see if she was good-looking, since she was now a single female. I laughed, and then I revealed that I wanted to be there when she arrived because I wanted to see how she would react. He was appauled by my reason and called me a "sick, morbid bastard." I found that amusing, considering his reasons.

The end result was that, while we were discussing our equally sick reasons for wanting to see the fiancee arrive at the house, the fiancee snuck by us, and we missed her. Later we found out that she started crying hysterically, and she wanted to see the body, but the police wouldn't let her.

Here are the instructional pictures from the website...

Damn Those Freeloading Illegal Aliens...And All Freeloaders, For That Matter

Being the holiday season, I want to discuss Freeloading Illegal Aliens...

The most frustrating part of my job is not necessarily that I missed the end of "My Name Is Earl," because I had to respond to a B.S. call, by a drive-by, cell-phone-hero; nor is it that I had to get out of bed at 4:30 AM to drive a 70 y/o WF, from an assisted-living home, to the hospital for the Flu, because she didn't want to bother her son (which happened last night). I'm not frustrated because I have to work a little while I'm at work.

The most frustrating part of my job is having to facilitate the blatant abuse of the gubment-funded 911 emergency services, and seeing, on a run by run basis, what a complete waste of (involuntarily paid) taxpayer money the ambulance is.

Ambulance abusing freeloaders come in all shapes and sizes, but a universally-despised, favorite flavor of ambulance abuser is the illegal alien.

It's very common to hear other EMS workers, hospital staff, firefighters, police officers, and bystanders say things like, "Damn illegal aliens...They shouldn't even be here," or "Why should we help them...they don't have insurance...they're not even citizens," or "Why should the rest of us have to pay for these damn illegal aliens?"

For example...

We got a call at around 10 PM to a nearby hospital for an ObGyn problem (I can't describe how much I love malfunctioning vagina problems). Our computer specified the room of the hospital in which we could find our esteemed client. It was the Labor and Delivery department! We wondered, 'what are a couple of ill-equipped, under-trained, ignorant EMT's going to do for a malfunctioning vagina, that an L&D department can't do?' I mean, whenever we encounter a malfunctioning vagina, that's where we take them...to the L&D department of a hospital!

We arrived to find a 22 y/o hispanic female, laying on a bed, in the L&D department, wearing a hospital gown, and fully adorned in electronic medical monitoring equipment. She was 9 months pregnant, and she was well into labor. Her husband told us he wanted us to take her to a different hospital. They were unhappy with the free hospital care they were receiving at this hospital.

The patient had a C-section for her first child, and the hospital wanted to do a C-section again (it's the hospital's policy). The woman did not want another C-section, but the woman didn't bother researching the hospital's policy before they showed up at the hospital to receive their free medical care.

One of the nurses pulled me aside and explained the situation to me. She said, "These people are a pain in my ass. They want to have a vaginal birth, but she's had a C-section before, so we have to do a C-section for this birth." (here comes the most interesting part of what the nurse told me) "The thing is...these people don't even have any insurance, and they're not even U.S. citizens! They're illegal aliens, and they shouldn't even be here in the U.S.! Just please, get them out of here and take them to the free county hospital or something!"
As it turns out, we did not take her to a different hospital. Our policy states that we can't remove patients from a facility, which is capable of handling their emergency. She was already in a facility which was capable of handling her emergency.

But, my point is...(and this is going to surprise some of you Socialists)...

What does citizenship status have to do with freeloading...who cares if a person is an illegal alien? How is one freeloader any better than another freeloader? Why is the general public willing to pay for non-taxpaying freeloaders born here in the United States, but somehow they have a problem with non-taxpaying freeloaders born in other countries? Why isn't the general public equally resistant to pay for ALL freeloaders? What the hell is the difference? Why does the general public seem to have bleeding-heart compassion for LEGAL losers in need of assistance, but somehow they have no compassion for ILLEGAL losers who need help? People are people, aren't they? If you think we should be pay for freeloading losers, then you should want to pay for ALL of them; and conversely, if you think we shouldn't be forced to pay for ILLEGAL freeloading losers, then you should not want to force people to pay for ANY freeloading loser.

It's not like there's an American flag, beating with patriotism, deep within my heart, every time I am privileged enough to pick up a pregnant 18 y/o, G-6, P-4, A-1, black female from the projects, because she's an AMERICAN CITIZEN; while I'm indignant about picking up her illegal hispanic equivalent. I'm just as irritated about facilitating the abuse of gubment services by LEGAL freeloaders as I am with ILLEGAL freeloaders. I don't want to force people to pay for either freeloading loser!

I have trouble understanding the argument, "we need to run these damn illegals out of our country, cause I don't want to have to pay for their school and medical care." Well...do you think I want to pay for the school and medical care of YOUR 12-15 toothless, white-trash, LEGAL children? Why don't we deport YOUR freeloading white kids along with all the freeloading hispanic kids that YOU want to deport?

Or...why not, instead of being upset at illegal aliens and wanting to deport them...why don't we just stop forcing taxpayers to pay for them? Would anyone even HAVE a problem with illegal aliens if they didn't have to fund their freeloading escapades? While we're at it, let's stop forcing people to pay for LEGAL freeloaders as well.

Would we consider ANY freeloader to be a problem, regardless of citizenship status, if we weren't forced to fund and facilitate freeloaders' addiction to gubment assistance? That's the most frustrating part of my job...facilitating freeloaders' addiction to gubment services, and witnessing it get worse and worse.

Merry Christmas!

Why EMT's Treat People Like Brain-damaged Three-year-olds...

Here's an e-mail I recently received from a blog reader...

"I've read through your blog and enjoy it. Unfortunately I can't even laugh anymore at the stupidity of most people, I just shake my head and weep for humanity. Is it just my imagination, or is it whenever paramedics respond to a nonobvious broken bone (i.e a vertebra) they treat the pt like a brain-damaged three-year-old? Just would like your insight into this behaviour, as I've come across it before and never understood it."

A few days ago, we were called to a 2-car MVA by a (brain damaged) police officer, who wanted us to come and "check a patient out." We arrived on scene approximately 30-40 minutes after the accident had occurred, and everyone was out of their cars, walking around. The alleged patient was a 25 HF, who was the restrained driver of a moderately damaged 4-Runner, which T-boned a sedan. Our patient was not at fault in the accident, according to witnesses, so the other guy's insurance had to pay for medical expenses.

The patient complained that she had pain and tingling on the left side of her face from hitting her face on the side window (of the door). The patient told us she didn't want to go to the hospital, and she didn't even know why we were there; she said she didn't request us. We asked her if we could take her vitals, and while we took her vitals, which were normal, we offered to transport her to the hospital by ambulance. She refused transport and signed a refusal statement.

We stayed on scene for a while, because we were teaching a rookie how to call a supervisor for a refusal. Approximately 20-30 minutes later (now 1 hour after the accident occurred), after the patient talked to her ignorant friend (who had a working car, on scene), the patient came up to us and asked if it was too late to go with us to the hospital. Apparently her friend told her the other guy had to pay for the ambulance, she would be more likely to GET PAID if she went by ambulance, and she would get seen more quickly by the hospital if she went by ambulance (I actually overheard some of the conversation). So I said nothing but "sure," while giving her and her friend a look like they were both brain-damaged 3-year-olds. We took her to the hospital, and the boyfriend followed us in his car. When we got to the hospital, she actually asked, "when can I take this thing off?" ...referring to the C-collar.

So, why do EMT's treat people with non-obvious broken bones like they are brain-damaged 3-year-olds? Because they act like brain-damaged 3-year-olds.

What's an ambulance going to do for a patient who's already been walking around an accident scene (in this case, she was walking around for about an hour)? At that point, what's the difference between going to hospital in the ambulance and going by private vehicle? The only thing we CAN do is immobilize the patient's spine. Immobilizing the spine doesn't do a whole lot of good when the patient is already walking around, or when a patient wants to remove the C-collar. Sometimes people even call us three days after an accident (which happens often).

It's fairly common for patients to complain about the backboard and C-collar or refuse the backboard and/or C-collar, like brain-damaged 3-year-olds, but they still want to go to the hospital by ambulance. What's people's infatuation with the damn ambulance? What do they think it's going to do for them?

Sometimes, after a car accident, people say they feel OK, but then they later decide they want to go by ambulance when they feel like their muscles are starting to stiffen up a little bit. What's an ambulance going to do for stiff muscles?

Most of the time, people just want to go by ambulance because they figure they'll have a better lawsuit if they go by ambulance, or they figure they're not paying for it, so why not? People who are not at-fault in an accident go to the hospital far more often than people who cause accidents. I wonder why.

When I, and most other EMT's, suspect a patient truly does have a broken vertebrae, we take it very seriously, and we do whatever we can to make sure the person doesn't end up paralyzed. Usually, when a person is still sitting in the car, or laying outside of the car, making some attempt to remain immobile, we are far more likely to NOT treat that person like a brain-damaged 3-year-old.

Know-it-all EMT's, spare all of us your stupid stories about, 'one time...this dude was walking around the scene of a minor accident, and I heroically talked him into going by ambulance, and..., and..., I saved his life, caused he had a C3 fracture, which goes to show,...' It goes to show you're a self-promoting blow-hard. Yeah...I get that it happens sometimes...and I get that adrenaline masks pain sometimes, which is not very likely. We just treat people like brain-damaged 3-year-olds when they act like brain-damaged 3-year-olds.

"Right" to Medical Care...WTF, Mate?

This sign, based on the "EMTALA" law, is posted in every emergency room in our little socialist town. Notice the "rights" this sign grants you...

I don't know if that's what Thomas Jefferson had in mind when he talked about our unalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Tell me we don't currently have socialized health care in America! It's no wonder why so many hospitals are going out of business. If you privately owned a convenience store, should the federal government be able to FORCE you to provide food for any hobo who says he is hungry?

Imagine you found yourself as one of five people, living in a deserted area (you are the only five people of which you are aware)...

What rights would you have?

Would you have the right to force any of the other four people to provide you with medical care? (It depends on who has the biggest weapons, right?)

Why are your "rights" any different in a larger society?

How many people must a society contain in order for you to start having the right to force other people to give you their time or property?

Isn't it called "slavery" when you force someone to give you their time and labor? I thought we were all free at last.

Who's Responsible For This Guy's Death?

Who's responsible for Ed Givens' death?



I know exactly what these paramedics said. I've been in this situation a thousand times, along with every other ambulance driver in every major city.

They said, "you're apparently a very healthy 39 y/o, your vitals are stable, your pulseOx is good, your EKG looks good, and we don't detect any problem. Our guess is that it's probably just heartburn, since you probably have a history of heartburn, and we don't see anything else. However, we don't know for sure...it could be a heart attack, but WE can't tell. Only a doctor could tell you for sure. You could go with us to the hospital, in which case we would just be giving you a ride, since we don't have any drugs to give you for a condition we can't detect. Or...you could go in your own car to the hospital, you could call your doctor and see what he says, or you could try taking some antacid, see if that helps, and go to the doctor if it doesn't help. It's up to you, but we don't detect any problems right now."

If these paramedics "refused" to transport this guy, which I highly doubt, why didn't these Victicrats just take him in their own car (or call a friend/take a bus/take a taxi)? The guy died SIX HOURS LATER! Really, didn't Lolitha, Anthony, & Sabrina "refuse" to transport him more than the paramedics did? Where was his caring, ultra-helpful family during his final six hours of life?

Why did they call the ambulance in the first place? If you're having a problem, and you're capable of getting your sorry pile of flesh into the car and going to the hospital, shouldn't you just go, without involving the ambulance? Were they hoping the paramedics would give them a free house call, check him out, and either tell him he didn't need to go or give him some free medz? Has that become the purpose of the ambulance?

NOTE TO IGNORANT PUBLIC... CALL THE AMBULANCE WHEN YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL, AND YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED THE AMBULANCE TO GET THERE! DON'T CALL WHEN YOU'RE NOT SURE IF YOU WANT TO GO, AND YOU'RE HOPING THE AMBULANCE WILL COME TELL YOU EVERYTHING'S OK OR GIVE YOU SOME FREE SHIT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

If the paramedics failed to save this guy, is it THEIR fault that he died, or is it the fault of the patient (and his family) that he died from a problem which he caused to HIMSELF, from which HE failed to save HIMSELF? What would have happened to this guy if there was no such thing as paramedics...whose fault would it be then? Isn't it just NICE if the paramedics CAN save you, but it's your own problem if they can't save you?

This would be a whole different scenario if the paramedics would have given him something or done something to him that would have killed him, but they didn't. They didn't 'fail to act,' either (save your whiny "Negligence" argument). They just failed to have enough knowledge or equipment to know this guy was having a problem (if he WAS having a problem at the time). The family's REAL complaint is that the paramedics didn't convince him to go in the ambulance, or in other words, the paramedics allowed him to decide for himself not to go.

Also, I want an autopsy. Who knows what kind of pillz Ed Givens took between the time the paramedics left and SIX HOURS LATER, when he was found dead.

In Case You Didn't Realize I Was a Hero...

Self-UN-Medicating Seizure Patient
11:54 We responded to a 35 y/o HM, working in a metal fabrication factory. According to bystanders, he fell down and had a seizure. When we arrived, he had already regained consciousness, and he told us that he did have a history of seizures, but he decided to stop taking his medications a long time ago. He said normally when he has seizures, he doesn't go to the hospital. So, we drove him to the hospital, so he could get a prescription for seizure meds which he wasn't going to fill.

Hospital Shopping
14:31 We were called to the apartment of a 55 y/o HF who was CO abdominal pain for the past few weeks. She said, "I wen to the hospita righ here close to my house las nigh, [her tone changes to an accusatory tone, and she begins to cry] but they refuse to trea me...I din thing they cou do tha." I asked her if the hospital did anything to help her, or if they just refused to see her. She said, [still crying] "well...yeah, they ran a bonch of tests and stoff and tol me I migh have diverticulitis, but then they tol me they wun't give me no drugs or nothin...they tol me I shud go to the county hospita if I wan to get drugs and further treatmen." So she went home, decided to wait about 12 hours, and then called a 911 emergency ambulance to take her to the county hospital. When we got to the county hospital, we walked her to the waiting room, and she got in line behind about 150 other people (about an 10-12 hour wait).

Very Ambulatory Hobo With Ankle Problem
17:16 We were called to a nearby fire station for a 65 y/o BM hobo with a hurt ankle, due to being hit by a car some time the night before. He walked a few miles to get to the fire station, walked into the station, and then walked into the ambulance, without any sign of distress. We took him to the hospital, and he walked to the waiting room, where I'd bet he walked out within a few hours.

Rear-Ended By Some Heroes, What Could Be More Reassuring?
19:24 A fire truck ran into the back of an SUV, because, according to the driver of the fire truck, the lady didn't pull to the right, and he had his lights and sirens on. The lady told us she couldn't pull to the right because there was traffic, so she just stopped where she was. Then she said, "I didn't think they could just run into the back end of my car if I couldn't pull to the right." I told her she probably had a pretty good point. She said she was terrified when she got hit, but then she saw the reassuring sight of a firefighter approaching her. She said that, instead of being reassuring, the hero began yelling at her, asking her why she didn't pull to the right. That's the way to be a hero...he may have rear-ended a helpless, innocent lady, but at least he made her feel bad about getting rear-ended. There weren't any injuries, but the firefighters called an ambulance anyway, just to CYA.

We Are Medical Geniuses
20:49 We responded to the home of an 80 y/o HF who fell out of her chair and couldn't get back up, which is a regular occurrence. When we got there, the husband was just arriving. He went in the house and picked her up. Then he walked her outside and asked us if we could check her out. We asked if she wanted to go to the hospital, since we're not doctors, and we can't really tell if you're OK or not OK, unless you're having a major problem (bleeding out of an artery in the neck, for example). They resolutely refused to go to the hospital and asked us again to just check her out right here, "like we did last time." It's so cute when people think we know enough about medicine to tell them if they're OK or not OK. So, we "checked her out," with our all-knowing, magical blood pressure cuff, and gave her a clean bill of health. They were satisfied with that.

What Can an Ambulance Do For a Broken Arm, You May Ask?
22:16 We responded to a street corner for a 15 y/o HM who had fallen down on his bicycle and hurt his arm. He had an obvious deformity to his forearm (broken arm). So we wrapped a placebo around his arm (crappy splint and a wrap) and drove him to the hospital. I tried to make the ride smooth, but he moaned every time we hit a bump...we have terrible suspension in the ambulance.

14 y/o Drinking Her Problems Away
23:16 It's that girl that had the tree limb fall on her arm (14 y/o WF). This time her father called 911 and reported she was unconscious/possible cardiac arrest. Her dad is actually a doctor. When we got there, she was lying on the ground, conscious, and puking green alcohol-smelling stuff (there was a bottle of watermelon-flavored Midori on the counter). We asked her if she had anything to drink. We expected this to be a stupid question, and we expected her to say, "duhhh...of course I did." Instead, she denied having anything to drink, even though she was puking green alcohol. Her dad also insisted it was not alcohol, saying it was more likely a hypoglycemic reaction, even though her blood sugar was normal. On the way to the hospital, she finally admitted that she might have drunk 5 shots and had some green Otter Pops. By the way, good news...her arm was healing quite nicely, and she was starting to be able to use her hand again.

Motorcycle Wreck...Probably Not Going to Make It
1:00 We were called to a Papa John's restaurant for a motorcycle wreck, with a possible severed thumb...Ho-hum, right?. Well, when we got there, we found a 30 y/o HM lying on the ground, unconscious, with a deformed left femur and multiple contusions to his torso. The motorcycle was demolished. He apparently ran into Papa John's at around 40 MPH. They said he was pulling in (he was a delivery driver), and all of the sudden, he just sped up and hit the wall. We called a fire truck and a paramedic squad, put a c-collar on his neck, put a traction splint on his leg, stripped him down, put him on a backboard, wrapped his thumb, and hauled ass to the hospital. He actually regained consciousness on the way to the hospital, but they had to knock him out again to tube him, since he had dimished breath sounds and a pulse Ox of 80. Later, the doctor told me the outlook was not good. He had a ruptured spleen, liver, and lung. We tried.

Here Come the Cops, Quick, Eat the Drugs...
2:42 The police called us for an OD. They watched a 48 y/o WF buy drugs from a guy, they followed her, and when they went to arrest her, she swallowed two crack rocks. After about 30-45 minutes, the police decided to call us, so that we could drive her to the hospital. We got her out of the police car, walked her to the ambulance, and drove her to the hospital. She said she felt fine, and she looked OK (pulse was a little high...around 100), but we took her anyway, because the police didn't want to take her. We dropped her off in the shock room where I'm sure they were about to pump her stomach. When we dropped her off, she still felt fine, 1 1/2 hours after ingesting the drugs.

Wrecker Drivers Being Heroes...Errr...Creating Business...
3:45 We were called to an unconscious person in a Walgreens parking lot. When we showed up, we found out it was a drunk person who decided to pull into a parking lot and sleep it off. We healed him by tapping on his window and waking him up. A tow truck driver was the hero who called us. Tow truck drivers actually do this quite often. They drive around and find people sleeping in their cars on the side of the road. They're hoping the person will be taken by either the ambulance or the police, and they'll get to tow the car. The police ended up taking this one for DUI/PI, and the wrecker driver was rewarded with a tow.

2 Cars, 1 Pole, No People...
3:56 We were called to a motor vehicle accident. When we got there, we found a car, which had run into a pole, but there were no people. The people who live near the accident said the guy hit the pole, then the car behind him hit the back end of his car. The driver of the car that hit the pole jumped out of his car and got in the car of the person who ran into the back end of his car, and then they drove away in a car that barely moved, due to extensive damage. So...the people did what responsible citizens do best, they called 911 for an ambulance for a guy who took off.

When Do YOU Call A 911 Ambulance For Someone?

The other day, somebody called 911 for a person who was apparently sleeping near the side of the road. When we got there, all we found was a pile of clothing, which was stacked on top of a bucket, and possibly, maybe appeared to be a person sleeping, from the perspective of somebody driving by at 50 MPH.

We called the guy back on his cell phone (the caller's phone number comes up on our computer), and we asked him where the person was and how the caller knew that the person needed an ambulance. The caller said he didn't know if the person needed help, he just thought that maybe he did. We asked him if he knew if it was even a person, and he said he didn't know. We asked him why he didn't stop and find out, and he said it was because he was in a car and there was a lot of traffic. The caller was not willing to come back to the location to show us where he thought he saw a person.

It gets worse.

20 minutes later, we got called to the same exact location, for the same exact thing, but it was from a different caller, who was also driving by at 50 MPH, and also didn't bother stopping to check to see if it was actually a person. We called him back also. He didn't answer, so we left a message, politely asking him to return to the location, and show us where the person is that needed our help. We told him we found a pile of clothes that might look like a person (to an imbecile), but we didn't find a person. He never responded. In case anyone wants to call the guy and ask him what the hell he was thinking that night, his phone number is 512-431-2164, and his name is Chris Simonson.

I dismantled the pile of clothing, and amazingly, we did not get called back to that location again. We should make a law, declaring that hobos hereby may not pile clothing in such a manner to resemble a sleeping person, punishable by banishment to Uruguay, along with the imbecile that called 911 for the pile of clothing.

In our little socialist society, the ratio of basic ambulances to people is about 30,000 to 1. So, when you call an ambulance for a B.S. reason, 29,999 people don't have access to the closest ambulance, if they need one.

So, At what point would YOU call an emergency 911 ambulance for someone?

1. If you think it might be a person and there's a slight possibility that, if it is a person, he might need a little help, but you're not willing to go find out if it is a person OR if he needs some help, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass?

2. If you know it's a person and there's a slight possibility he might need some help, but you're not willing to go find out for yourself, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass?

3. If you know it's a person and there's a better-than-average possibility he might need some help, but you're not willing to find out for sure, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass? For example, someone just crashed his car, but you have no idea if he's hurt and/or if he wants an ambulance.

4. If you know it's a person, you know he needs some help, but you also know he doesn't need an emergency 911 ambulance, but you're not willing to take him to the hospital, and you still want to feel like you're a good person, so you just call a 911 ambulance for him, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass? For example, an acquaintance of yours is sick, he needs to go to the hospital, you know the only thing an ambulance can for him is give him a ride (just like you could), but you don't want to deal with it (due to blood, vomit, coughing, mucous, time, or because you'd have to help him get in the car), so you just call an ambulance, because you're a Christian, and Christians call 911 for people when they want to feel good about themselves.

5. If you know it's a person, you know he needs to see a doctor, you know that the person needs to be moved by a stretcher (because he's an invalid or has a chronic illness), but you also know he doesn't need an EMERGENCY 911 AMBULANCE (there is no life-threatening emergency condition, for which the ambulance has a remedy, and time is not a factor...e.g., he's had a bed sore for the past two weeks...or he has the flu), and you're not willing to go through the hassle of calling and waiting for a private ambulance, so you just take the easy way out and call an emergency 911 ambulance, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass?

6. If you know it's a person, but you know he's dead, and you know he's been dead longer than 15 minutes (so he can't be revived), but you call for an ambulance anyway, because you don't know what else to do, or you don't want to wait around for the police, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass? If you didn't know before, I'm telling you now. If someone is obviously dead, when you call 911, specify that the person is dead, and tell them you only need the police, not the ambulance. 911 Operators are too dumb/cautious to make decisions for themselves; you need to tell them you don't need an ambulance. Now that you know, tell a friend (along with everything else you learn on this highly educational blog).

7. If you know it's a person, and you know for a fact that he needs an emergency 911 ambulance, due to uncontrollable blood loss, an uncontrollable airway, a heart attack, a cardiac arrest, a stroke, a need for heavy splinting or spinal immobilization, or any situation where, if the person did not go by emergency 911 ambulance, his condition would get a lot worse, or he would likely die?

Leave your answers in the "Snotty Remarks" section. If you're mentally impaired, you may select more than one answer (e.g., "Hi, this is Brad. I select answers 1-6, cause I'm a socialist retard.").

Attempted Suicide...Practice Makes Perfect

We were called to a high-end loft apartment of a 33 y/o BF, for an attempted suicide. When we got the call, the notes on our computer said that she was shooting up the place with a shotgun, and she's about to shoot herself. It sounded like a TRUE emergency, so we only took a few more bites of our dinners, and then we moseyed on over there.

They called the right ambulance driver, because if anyone can talk someone out of shooting themselves, I can. My technique...based on the theory that people usually only kill themselves when they are coming OUT of depression...I use my verbal skills to drive them deep enough back into depression that they no longer have the willpower or self-respect to kill themselves.

Her girlfriend (the apparent femme in the relationship) called us because she got scared when the patient fired the shotgun in the house and blew a hole in the ceiling. That would explain why she's the femme...only a femme would be scared of a little shotgun fire in the house. The patient was trying to make her girlfriend think she was trying to shoot herself, and she accidentally missed. The rest of us aren't fooled by that sharade...you would have to be a complete failure to miss your own head with a shotgun.

When we got there, and after the police made sure the scene was safe for a couple of EMS pansies, the patient and her girlfriend were sitting in the kitchen arguing about 'you don't love me anymore' and 'why did you call the cops?...you betrayed me.' The gun was on the bed in the bedroom, and there was in fact, a big hole in the ceiling. The police took all of her guns away (perks of the job, I guess...we get free band-aids...they get guns), and after about an hour of trying to verbally persuade her to go to the hospital, the police forced her to go to the county mental health hospital. She did not go easily. The police had to kick her ass a little. It turns out, the patient was a federal police officer, so she kind of knew her way around resisting arrest.

You would think that would be the end of the story, right? I mean, you figure, if somebody is being rehabilitated by the county, they're going to emerge as a well-adjusted, mentally stable person, right? Plus that, the government took away all her guns...how would someone without guns hurt themselves or others, right?

Two weeks later, we got called to the same apartment. This time the computer said that the patient was inside the apartment, she had a gun, and she was waiting for the police to break in so she could fire at them, hoping they would return fire and kill her (police assisted suicide).

When we arrived, there was no shortage of police on hand. They live for this stuff. I don't know if their motivation was more to save her from shooting herself, or if they were hoping to be the one who got to shoot her. They were all dressed in their semi-SWAT gear. A couple of guys even had shotguns and assault rifles.

They asked us to breach the door, and when we did, the door only opened about a foot, being stopped by someone standing behind the door. The cops started yelling, "she's behind the door...she's got a gun...put the gun down, mother fuck#r...come out, god damn#t, ....put the fucki#g gun down..."

They continued yelling at her for about 10 minutes. The neighbors were poking their heads out of their doors, trying to see what was going on, and then quickly retreating, like a bunch cowardly sissies. We, of course, were hiding out 10-15 feet down the hall, waiting for the gun fight to end, like a bunch of cowardly sissies.

After about 10 minutes, one of the officers got really brave and looked in the crack in the door...then...Bang, Splat...the officers brains were sprayed all over the wall, ceiling, and all over the other officers. The other officers started firing at the girl, then she fired back, and when the smoke cleared, the girl was dead, and 8 officers were dead...it was a total bloodbath.

Just kidding..., when the officer looked in the crack, he saw a rope and said, "she's got a rope!...she's got a fucki#g rope!... ...(pause) ... ...why does she have a fucki#g rope?" Then he re-acquired some courage, got closer, and looked again. When he looked in the crack, he saw her looking back at him through the crack. He jumped back, processed what he saw, and said, "I think she's hanging by the rope." They looked again and verified that she was in fact hanging by a rope behind the door. We all felt kind of sheepish for engaging in a SWAT standoff and yelling obscenities at a dead, hanging chick.

We did what only highly trained medical professional are capable of doing...we checked to make sure she was dead, which was apparent without even touching her, since her eyes were bugged-out & all dried up. Also, her face was white (she's a black girl), and there were hardened stalagtites of snot hanging from her nose and mouth. She also had a touch of rigormortis. She must have been dead for more than a couple of hours. She was hanging by a rope, attached to the exposed plumbing of the loft-style apartment. Her feet were about 1-2' from the gound. I have a sneaking suspicion she wasn't messing around this time.

It was a tiny bit weird when I got up close and looked in her eyes...allowing myself to think illogical thoughts, just for a second, wondering if somehow she can still see me looking at her through her dead, bugged-out, dried-up eyes...and thinking it was kind of rude of me to be staring at someone like that. I also wondered, just for a second, if she could somehow hear the jokes we were telling each other about a girl hanging from a rope and about the situation, in general (SWAT standoff with a hanging chick). Don't count on a bunch of cops and firemen to solemnly respect the dead when nobody else is around...there have been a few times when we've had to take a second to collect ourselves, stop laughing, and wipe the grins off our faces before walking out where the public could see us, at the scenes of dead people.

I left the scene feeling disappointed and confused. I could hardly believe that my government failed to stop her from hurting herself. You would think that taking away her guns and sending her to a government mental health rehabilitation center would do the trick. I mean, if government can't keep me from hurting myself, who can? I suddenly feel so unsafe, insecure, and scared to be alone with myself. The world is a different place.

"Just To Be Safe"...The Apparent Theme of Another Fun-Filled Day of Hauling Losers to the Hospital

Metro Bus Boo-boo
7:48 We responded to a fall on a Metro Bus. Reportedly, a handicap person fell down inside of the bus, and the Metro driver called an ambulance. The pt. was a 45 y/o seemingly retarded BF, who was complaining of a boo-boo (little-to-no pain) to her left leg. She told the bus driver that she didn't want no ambulance, but he called anyway, because he said, "...just to be safe...you never can be too safe."

Hospital Next Door Not Good Enough For a Free-Loader
8:24 We responded to the home of a 65 y/o BF CO chest pain. Her home is less than one block from a hospital. She said she called us because she wanted to go to a hospital 35 miles away. We told her we wouldn't take her to that hospital; it was too far. She got really mad at us that we wouldn't drive her 35 miles away for her life-threatening, emergency chest pain situation. We asked her why she didn't want to go to the hospital next door, and she said it was a bad hospital. She didn't have any medical insurance, which is probably why she wanted to go to a better hospital...as long as she wasn't paying for it, why not go to the most expensive hospital? I guess beggars CAN be choosers. Upon further questioning, she told us she was just diagnosed with kidney stones two days ago, and she revealed that it actually hurts more around her kidneys than her chest, and it feels just like it felt two days ago when she went to the hospital for kidney stones (she originally called it "chest pain" because she thought it would get her taken care of faster). She opted to walk from her house to the ambulance, parked in the street, which was half the distance of the walk to the hospital next door. Then we drove her to a hospital 5 miles away, passing the hospital next to her house on our way.

Do-Gooder Thought He Was the Only One on the Road With a Cell Phone
10:05 We were called to a 3-car accident on the freeway. We were called by someone who was driving by. We called the caller to find out exactly where the accident was, and he said that he didn't know if there were any injuries. He called 'just to be safe.' It turns out there were no injuries. When are these brain-dead, do-gooders going to learn that if someone wants an ambulance, they'll call for an ambulance on their own damned cell phone? Did this guy really think he was the only driver on the road with a phone? Attention Harry-the-Hero, it's not 1989, you're not the only one with a car-phone; everyone has at least one cell phone. Nobody needs you to call 911 for them while you're driving by at 65 MPH, not knowing where you are or if anybody actually needs an ambulance.

The Overturned Truck Driver Was the Only One That Didn't Need an Ambulance
10:27 We were called to another 3-car accident at an intersection. A 55 y/o BF, driving a VW Beetle with minor damage, said she had pain in her chest from the seatbelt. She said she wanted to go to the hospital 'just to be safe.' When we put a C-collar on her and taped her down to a backboard (which is the ONLY thing an ambulance can do for you when you're in a car accident...stabilize your spine), she told us, "I don wan no neck braze on...I think I might be clastrophobic." So we took her to the hospital without the only thing we can do to help. Then there was a 39 y/o BM delivery driver in a truck, with VERY minor damage, who decided he needed to go to the hospital to have them look at his minor pain in his left leg, 'just to be safe.' He also complained about the backboard to which we duct taped him. The third driver was a 40 y/o HM, whose truck was flipped on its side, and he said that he was fine and didn't need an ambulance. Somehow the person who causes the accident almost never needs an ambulance, and the victims almost always need an ambulance. Interesting stuff...

Hot Chick
12:30 We responded to the home of a 61 y/o HF CO sudden, unexplainable dizziness and altered consciousness. Maybe it had something to do with cooking food all day in an extremely hot kitchen, without eating. When we got her out of the kitchen, she stopped feeling dizzy and regained consciousness. We healed her. She said she didn't want to go to the hospital, but her husband insisted on her going to the hospital in the ambulance, 'just to be safe.' Her vitals were perfect, but we took her anyway, cause we're puppets on a string.

A Passer-by Mistook a Drunk Person for Seizures
14:00 We were called to a person with seizures. We were disregarded before we got there when a fire truck arrived and found out it was just a drunk dude. Someone else called for him, 'just to be safe.' The guy who called us either really cared about the well-being of the drunk guy in front of his house, or he was aware of the fact that, if you want to get a hobo off your front lawn, you're better off calling an ambulance than calling the police. The police get to decide if they want to respond to your emergency situation, and they often exercise their right to ignore your request for help, but the ambulance is obligated to respond.

One Tiny, Dried-up Cut
15:33 We were called, by a fire truck, to a 42 y/o WM who had driven his car into the safety barrels on the freeway. He said he was just driving along, minding his own business, and "the car in front of him suddenly stopped for no reason." He had nowhere to go, so he hit the barrels, but it was the fault of the guy in front of him. The guys on the fire truck said they stopped when they drove up on the accident, and they called us 'just to be on the safe side.' They wanted us to "check him out" with our highly advanced, ambulance-mounted, injury detectolator. They don't have those mounted on fire trucks yet. It turns out the guy didn't feel like he needed an ambulance for his tiny, dried-up cut on his arm.

Didn't Know How to Use Benadryl Pills
17:21 We responded to the home of a 65 y/o WF CO an allergic reaction. She told us she would rather not go to the hospital if she didn't have to go. Her family called an ambulance for her because she had a swollen tongue and itchy skin, just to be on the safe side. She had no signs of hives or a swollen tongue, and her vitals were normal. It turns out she has anxiety problems, and this happens every now and then. We were talking to her for about 20 minutes, and her allergic reaction miraculously subsided, so she decided she didn't need an ambulance to go to the hospital. A paramedic also explained to her the purpose and proper administration of over-the-counter Benadryl, which she had in her possession but had not taken.

Injury Victim Realized He Didn't Need an Ambulance After All
19:01 We were called to an injury at the park, but we were disregarded because the person decided to leave. I'm getting tired of people realizing they're better off handling their medical problems themselves, rather than using gubment-funded ambulances; they're going to put the gubment (and me) out of work.

Sick Guy 2 Blocks From Hospital
19:35 We responded to the home of an 82 y/o WM, living 2 blocks from the hospital (3 miles from the fire station). He CO feeling a little bit sick for the past couple of days. He had his grandson and two LVN's at the house, and they decided to call US (he was able to walk). So...we took him to the hospital, 2 blocks away. From the time they called us for their highly emergent medical situation, until the time we delivered the man to the hospital, was about 45 minutes, including response time (10 min.), assessment time (20 min), loading time (5 min), transport time (5 min), and unloading time (5 min). It would have taken them approximately 4 minutes to get him to the hospital without the ambulance.

Chest Pains
1:45 We responded to the home of an 87 y/o WM CO chest pains. He wanted to go to the hospital just to be safe. EKG says he's OK, but what do we know?

Let's Play, "Blood, Poop, or Vomit"!...The Ambulance Is a Filthy Place

If I haven't already made you think twice about ever calling an ambulance again, just based on the fact that ambulance drivers are sick, twisted, insensitive, CLOWNS; the information I'm about to reveal to you will really make you never want to call an ambulance again, unless it's a choice between 'call an ambulance' or die (which is the way it should be). Even then, you may just want to choose death.

As you might imagine, the ambulance sees a lot of blood, snot, vomit, poop, spit, sperm, urine, pus, amniotic fluid, after-birth, pre-birth, general non-birth related vaginal sludge, zit-juice, eye goop, ear grease, and any other body fluid you can imagine. Every surface of the ambulance has, at one time, been the depository for at least one, if not all, of these body fluids.

The problem is, most people figure the nice boys that work on the ambulance meticulously disinfect every square nanometer of the ambulance. Most people are delusional. You can count on the nice boys on the ambulance to create an 'appearance of cleanliness,' but don't expect them to actually clean anything. We'll clean up all the most visible chunks of blood & vomit, wipe down most of the visible surfaces, and try to make it smell good; but ambulances are far from being clean. Sure, we change the sheet, most of the time, but that's like trusting a single square of one-ply toilet paper to protect you from a toilet seat in a gas station in Tijuana (I've heard of EMT's trying to go the whole day without ever having to change the sheet, due to VISIBLE contamination). When you're in an ambulance, you are surrounded by biohazardous filth; it's attacking you from all sides.

You know how they say that when you have sex with someone, you are really having sex with everyone that person has ever had sex with? Well, when you ride an ambulance, you are essentially having sex with every hobo & loser that ambulance has ever transported.

Here are some examples of some of the human bio-filth you might find in a typical ambulance...

Backboards
Backboards are the direct recipient of whatever is oozing out of our patients. We get them from the hospital, and we try to pick backboards that don't have any obvious signs of contamination, so we don't have to clean them. These backboards were on my ambulance, ready to be used, at the beginning of my shift. Are you ready to play, "Blood, Poop, or Vomit?"...

Blood, Poop, or Vomit??? This is the area where a patient would lay his head (above).

Blood, with a little fecal matter, is my guess. What's a little fecal matter between friends?

Tape residue collects some of the neatest little specimens.

Probably poop, blood, AND vomit. All three are correct answers.

That's definitely pubic hair, and maybe a little vomit.

I'm guessing that's either blood, poop, or bloody poop.

Stretcher

I won't touch a stretcher without some heavy-duty, space-man-suit-like protection. The top of the stretcher and some of the handles get wiped down every now and then, but everything else goes by the rule, "if it looks clean, then it is clean."

This is a stretcher rail in regular light...

Here's a stretcher rail in black light...notice all the little splatters of 'who-knows-what'.

Here's a seatbelt in regular light...

Here's a seatbelt in black light. These seatbelts make direct contact with every loser we ever transport, AND they're highly absorbent.

This is a latch underneath the stretcher...

Here's the same latch in black light. Since this latch is on the underside of the stretcher, I imagine it has never been cleaned. The rule is, "Out of sight...it must be clean."

Blood Pressure Cuffs
Blood pressure cuffs get cleaned about once every few days, maybe, and every time we use them on someone REALLY bloody. Other than that, when an EMT puts a blood pressure cuff on you, you're essentially sticking your arm into a petri dish containing body fluid samples from every hobo that has worn that cuff over the past few days. Even when they do get cleaned, it's not exactly a thorough cleaning. The same is true for stethescopes, pulse oximeters, and all the vital-taking equipment at the hospital. I mean, why would WE want to clean this stuff, it's not like this equipment has to touch OUR skin, just YOURS.

Here are some cuffs in regular light, and below are some cuffs in black light. Is that vomit I see on the cuff, or is that just some sperm?

Cross-Contamination
Does it make you feel good that EMT's wear gloves? Have you ever thought about all the things EMT's touch, with their gloves ON, that have already been contaminated by some other loser? The reason most EMT's religiously wear gloves is to protect THEMSELVES from you and all the contamination in the back of the ambulance. They touch all the stuff in the back of the ambulance, which has been contaminated by every variety of dung-covered loser you could ever imagine, then they touch YOU.

This keyboard LOOKS innocent, but it's really a breeding ground for every pathogen known to science. Sure, we have our gloves on when we touch it, but then we touch YOU.

I'd rather lick the anus of a dead possum than touch this knob with my bare hands.

These straps have exchanged more body fluids than Wilt Chamberlain.

This IV hanger has never been cleaned; I triple your money back guarantee it. Imagine the lush tropical forest of filth growing on that thing.

Look at this little gem I found in the back of the ambulance. It's a fork with food hanging off of it. Not only will you be contaminated by all the hobos that have ever ridden back here, you'll also enjoy the contamination of the EMT's saliva and trichinosis covered fork.

Here's some goop and sludge hiding on the floor, around the stretcher retainer. It looks like it's probably just some human scabs and some roach poo.

Here's a little more tape residue, which has the ability to collect 400x its mass in human DNA. Which combination of body fluids do you think have to mix together to create the color black?

So...the next time you think the ambulance might be a nice, convenient way to safely get your mother to the hospital, consider the fact that the clowns on the ambulance couldn't care less about your mother's health, they probably don't have anything to give your mother to improve her health or comfort, the ride is about as pleasant as a bicycle with no seat, and most importantly, climbing into an ambulance is like swimming in a septic tank with open wounds. Save your mom the hassle, instead of calling her an ambulance, just stand above her and defecate in her trach tube, then go hook her feeding tube up to her colostomy bag.

U.S. Sinks in World Economic Freedom Rankings

This is a little departure from the ambulance-related stuff, but it's related to the overarching theme of this blog...less government; more freedom.

Are you one of those lunatics that actually still believes in freedom? Do you have trouble swallowing the idea that the U.S. is the free-est country on earth? Does it make you sick to hear "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free..." or "...O'er the land of the FREE and the home of the brave..." or "...With liberty and justice for all"? This article is about an economic freedom index, which indicates that the U.S. is slipping in its ranking as a free country...

Economic freedom, though on the rise around the world, has significantly declined in the U.S. over the past several years. That's the disturbing finding of the 2008 Economic Freedom of the World Annual Report, a highly-regarded study of economic freedom around the world prepared by a team of scholars coordinated by the libertarian Cato Institute in conjunction with the Fraser Institute of Canada.

In the 2000 report the U.S. was ranked the second-freest economy. This year, however, the U.S. has fallen to 8th place, behind Hong Kong (ranked first), Singapore, New Zealand, Switzerland, the United Kingdom, Chile, and Canada. Yes, the U.S. now ranks behind Canada in overall economic freedom, even allowing for Canada's socialized medical system.
According to the Cato Institute, "President Bush's tenure has had a clear negative effect on economic freedom ratings."

Economic Freedom of the World ranks 141 countries on a range of factors in five broad areas: 1) size of government; 2) legal structure and security of property rights; 3) access to sound money; 4) freedom to trade internationally; and 5) regulation of credit, labor and business.

More significant than the U.S.'s drop in the rankings is its fall in the amount of economic freedom measured: on a scale of 0-10, the U.S. fell from 8.55 in 2000 to 8.04, according to the Report. Only five countries have experienced a greater decline over the same time period: Zimbabwe, Argentina, Niger, Venezuela, and Guyana.

"The rule of law, government spending, and regulation are the areas where the United States saw the most troubling declines in its ratings this decade," observes Ian Vasquez, director of Cato's Center for Global Liberty and Prosperity.

These ratings are for the year 2006, the most recent year for which comprehensive data are available.

As it has in previous years, the Report found a strong positive relationship between economic freedom and poverty reduction.

"Numerous studies have shown that countries with more economic freedom grow more rapidly and achieve higher per-capita income levels than those that are less free," notes the Report. "Nations in the top quartile of economic freedom have an average per-capita GDP of $31,480 in 2006, compared to $3,882 for those nations in the bottom quartile in constant 2005 international dollars."

Where there are free markets, there is abundance. Heavy government control of market activity reduces prosperity and wreaks havoc.

Those scrambling to reshape the American economy would do well to remember that.

(Source: Cato Institute http://www.cato.org/pubs/efw/ ) Click on the Map for a better view...

See the Interactive Map

Excel Spreadsheet

Also Check out the Heritage Foundation's Freedom Index

Recovering From a Major Storm...

I won't say which city I work in, or which storm it was, but there was a major storm that passed through our town. This mystery storm wreaked havoc, turning thousands of people into worthless, inept, entitled, begging, victims, waiting for government programs to bail them out of their lack of preparation. Then, when they got their handouts, they actually complained that the government was not doing enough to help. How did it ever become the job of the government to ensure that everyone is well-fed, warm, dry, housed, healthy, and generally happy? The RIGHT to life, liberty, and property is not the same as ENSURING life, liberty, and property. Also, these victims couldn't be happy that they got a LITTLE help from a charitable organization (which collects its donations with guns and force); these losers are actually irate that the charitable organization didn't do more or do it quicker.

The following are some of the ambulance runs I made during the storm recovery...

House A Blaze
8:44 Electricity came back on at a house that wasn't quite ready for it. The electricity shorted out some stuff in the kitchen, and started a small fire under the cabinets. We hung out for a little while, watched the brave firefighters extinguish the blaze, and then took off.

911 Call Got Tired of Waiting For Their Emergency Taxi

9:22 Someone called 911 for a breathing problem, but when we got there, somebody told us they got tired of waiting, and they ended up having to get their own ride to the hospital. I felt so bad that someone had to ride in their own car to the hospital, instead of being able to ride in the highly contaminated luxury of a gubment-funded Commibulance.

"That Light Was Green; I Swear it Was"
9:58 We responded to a car accident at a light-controlled intersection, in which the light was not working, due to the storm. One dude stopped at the intersection, and then he proceeded through the intersection. He did what he was supposed to do...he stopped...he just didn't bother to check to see if any traffic was coming before he proceeded. Some lady was coming the other way, and she didn't even bother stopping. She told us, "That light was green; I swear it was." The traffic light was completely out...it wasn't red, yellow, OR green. The lady had a sore rib, and the other guy had a hurt wrist. Neither of them felt like they needed an ambulance, but the guy with the hurt wrist needed a little education on what an ambulance can and can not do for a hurt wrist. At first he wanted to go to the hospital in the ambulance, but he finally realized he probably didn't need an ambulance, when we informed him that we didn't have any Ibuprofen. He decided he would just go with his wife who was on scene with her car.

Using a Chainsaw to Cut Debris...Oh and, A Little Bit of His Foot...
10:23 We responded to a 40 y/o HM who was cutting tree limbs from in front of a bank with a chainsaw (motosierra). He hit a knot in the tree, and the motosierra bounced back and hit his foot. The motosierra cut through his shoe, his skin, and some of his bones and tendons. The entire area was painted with blood. When we arrived, he was in his friend's truck, with his foot wrapped up with shirts, sitting in a pool of blood. We left the wrapping in place, added some pressure dressings, applied pressure, and hauled him to the hospital. The saddest part is that from the time the injury occurred to the time he arrived at the hospital was about 45 minutes. It would have been about 15 minutes if he would have just gone in the car he was sitting in. The guy let me take a picture of his foot after we cleaned up most of the blood...

Imagine Yourself Calling 911 For a Giant Zit

1:22 We responded to the apartment of a 26 y/o HF CO being bitten by a spider approximately 5 days prior. She said she would have gone to the doctor, but there was a storm, so she didn't go. She didn't know whether or not she was bitten by a spider; she just assumed she had been bitten because it was such a big, nasty, pus-y, discolored, swollen mound of flesh. We gave her a $500 taxi ride to the hospital (with no treatment...we've got nothing for a big infected wound), and when we arrived, the nurse diagnosed her spider bite as a giant zit, and she sent her to the waiting room with the other 50 victims of the storm (in one way or another).

Emergency Elevator Service

12:53 We were called by a 75 y/o WM, living in a high-rise assisted-living home. He lived on the 9th floor. Somehow the assisted-living home did not have a contingency plan for when the elevators were out and a 75 y/o guy, living on the 9th floor, wanted to get downstairs. So, they called 911. We carried him down 18 flights of stairs (2 per floor). When we got downstairs, he asked us to get him close to his car. When we got close to the car, he stood up, walked to his car, got in his car, and drove himself to the airport for his trip to New Orleans. I guess he'll call 911 when he gets to the airport, so they can carry him to his plane.

Warning...Do Not Cut Your Arteries With Broken Glass

18:01 We responded to a 33 y/o HM who was moving some broken glass (from the storm), and he dropped it on his leg. By the time we got to his house, there was blood all over his house. You could see the storyline of what happened and where he walked by following the trail of blood. His blood pressure was kind of low (around 90 palpated), so we loaded him pretty quickly and took off for the hospital. He said it was actually squirting blood, which means it was probably an arterial bleed. He had applied duct tape as a tourniquet, and he had wrapped his wound in duct tape. However, even with all the duct tape, there was still quite a bit of blood coming out all over the stretcher and ambulance. The hospital staff put on their riot gear and un-wrapped the wound.....only to find that the artery had apparently retracted, and it had stopped spraying blood. Very disappointing. I didn't even bother taking a picture at that point.

I Don't Think I Want To Go To The Hospital, So I'll Just Call 911

19:49 We responded to the home of a 42 y/o WF CO dizziness while she was running several miles. She said she has heart arrythmias, and she also might have anxiety. She told us she didn't really want to go to the hospital; she just wanted us to come look at her and let her know if she really needed to go. I guess that's what 911 has become...a step between going to the hospital and not going to the hospital.

Crazy Chick With a Tummy Ache

21:47 Responded to an apartment complex for a 24 y/o WF CO a tummy ache for the past 5 days. She didn't want to go get looked at until now because of the storm. She had no other complaints, and her vitals were normal. She was, however, very crazy...taking all kinds of crazy meds. We took her to the hospital, and they sent her the waiting room to wait with the other hundreds of tummy aches.

$500 Debit Card Prank

My favorite part of the whole storm recovery was when some pranksters actually got a rumor going that FEMA was going to give out $500 debit cards to victims of the storm (I swear it wasn't me...there are people far Crusty-er than I am out there). Thousands of people showed up along with News crews. There were no debit cards, and the people nearly started rioting. They were quoted as saying "FEMA neeta pay us fo da gas we use ta drive hee-ah ta git ah checks" and "FEMA ain't heppin us out nough; dey neeta give us mo'...ah people is suffrin!"

Presidential Candidates...Which One is Mo' Betta?

I love hanging out with folks when they talk about how stupid the OTHER candidate is, how much the OTHER candidate is going to ruin their lives, and how the OTHER candidate is a lying, corrupt politician, who just says whatever his slavishly allegiant minions want to hear.

Somehow, those complaints never apply to the candidate WE like. OUR candidate is the only one who's NOT an incompetent, lying, corrupt politician, and OUR candidate does NOT just say whatever he has to say to get into power. OUR candidate is honest and benevolent, and OUR candidate is going to save the world.

The OTHER candidate's supporters are ignorant sheeple, who are easily swayed by appealing, empty promises, but WE are too smart to fall for those political tricks.

In this video, I like how the guys at JibJab point out the pathetic aspects of both candidates...

More riveting ambulance runs coming soon...

Crusty's Guide to Successfully Committing Suicide

So, You Think Suicide Might Be Right For You?
So you've decided to commit suicide...you've come to right place. This guide will give you some tips and tricks for successfully committing suicide from an insider who has seen every possible kind of suicide attempt. If you follow my advice carefully, you will be guaranteed to have a successful and delightful suicide...a suicide that your friends and family will respectfully admire and remember fondly. They'll say nice things like, "Damn, is that your name?...I don't hardly recognize him among all that blood and dismembered flesh...he really annihilated himself!"...or they'll say,..."That'll be the last time I don't believe HIM when he says he's going to kill himself...hee hee hee...get it?"

Fakers...Go Read a Faker's Tutorial
If you're just looking to make a mess out of yourself, cry for help, teach someone a lesson, take a break from life for a couple of months in a mental institution, or get attention, without actually off-ing yourself, then this is not the tutorial for you. If you've already done the research, searched your soul, and you're ready to boldly and gracefully do something for yourself that you've long deserved (put yourself out of your misery), then you're in the right place.

Overcoming The Pesky 'Will To Live'
The first step to committing suicide is COMMITTING to commit suicide. You're not likely to be successful without some solid commitment. I think the most surprising part about killing yourself, for most people, is the sudden acquisition of 'the will to live,' which seems to surface just when death is beginning to have it's way with you. It's usually when you see the massive amount of blood, feel the exquisite pain, or start to feel the eternal sleep coming on. This sudden 'will to live' is what causes otherwise well-intentioned people to call 911, call a friend, or somehow find a way to save their worthless existence. You need to plan on regaining 'the will to live,' and you need to properly ensure that your sudden 'will to live' does not allow you do something stupid...like save yourself. If it wasn't for this pesky 'will to live,' I would never be called to an "attempted suicide;" I would only be called to COMMITTED suicides (DOA's).

Carefully Selecting a Suicide Method That Looks Good On You
The best way to ensure that 'the will to live' does not rear its ugly head in your suicide attempt is to thoughtfully select the best suicide method for you, then artfully execute your plan. The best suicide methods are those that do not allow you to back out at any moment. 'All-or-nothing' suicide methods are what you should be looking for. For example, shooting yourself in the head (shooting from side to side), cutting your carotid artery (find it first by feeling for a pulse), hanging yourself (make sure you won't be able to touch the ground), or jumping off a 50-story building.  These are all acceptable, 'all-or-nothing' methods of killing yourself. Half-hearted, lame, uncool ways of killing yourself include taking pills, cutting your wrists, asphyxiating yourself, jumping into water, drinking bleach, eating razorblades, choking yourself, or running through traffic. These half-hearted attempts just cause people to think of you as more of a failure than they already do. You won't ever find someone bragging about a suicide ATTEMPT, only COMMITTED suicides; and you'll never hear someone say anything benevolent about an unsuccessful suicide. Do you want to earn people's respect and humble adoration? ...Don't just attempt suicide, COMMIT suicide...massacre yourself...do it...do it now, you wuss. If you select the right suicide method for you, not only will it kill you, but you'll look good doing it.  You'll be regarded as an artist.

Other People Don't Care About You...Don't Let Them Get In Your Way
Another important point to remember is to make sure you don't let anyone find out you're about to commit suicide. Suicide hotlines, 911, and phone calls to friends & family are for UNcommitted pansies. If you wisely choose the proper method (a good 'all or nothing' method), you won't have to worry about calling someone later on, because you won't be able to call anyone...you'll be dead..., and when you're dead, you can't make phone calls, regardless of what you learned from the Twilight Zone.

Hazards Of Slow-Kill Methods
If you foolishly choose a slow, painful way of dying, then you run the risk of picking up the phone and calling for help, or finding some other way to back-out of "Operation End-It-All." Slow-kill methods also increase the chances of someone walking in on your charade and attempting to save you. So...if for some dumb reason, you DO choose a slow-kill method, which could cause you to acquire 'the will to live' and want to back out, then you need to do some pre-planning, in order to show the rest of us that you're not an uncommitted wuss. You need to cut the phone lines, destroy your cell phone, or do your sacred 'slow-kill' ritual where nobody could possibly catch you in the act. Then, if you do the proper pre-planning, all you need to do is enjoy the sweet sensation of being helplessly able to stop death from having its way with you.

Don't Notify Others; They Only Care About Themselves
NEVER call someone BEFORE you begin your suicide attempt, either. This is the dumbest thing you can do. It's true that nobody cares about you, but people will pretend to care, and they'll call 911 for you, even though they secretly wish they would have let you kill yourself. Remember, they won't personally show up; they'll call 911. They pretend to care because they just don't want to feel bad about themselves. They don't care about YOU. They only care about themselves. You'll be surprised at how much people will pretend to care, for their own sake. Don't take chances on the possibility that someone might act against their better judgement and do something to help save your life; DO NOT notify anyone.

If You Must Notify Somebody, Do It Covertly and Creatively
I realize that it's tempting to punish someone by making them see you take your final breaths, or be the first to find your mutilated body, causing them to feel guilty that your suicide was partly because of them, and causing them to have the image of your human wreckage permanently ingrained in their every memory; but there are ways of doing this covertly & creatively, which will not thwart your plan to kill yourself. For example, you could lure them to your house by saying that you've prepared a delicious pot roast with potatoes and carrots. Then, you could leave them a note that starts with, "hey dumbass, you really thought I made a delicious Pot roast?...if I knew how to cook a delicious pot roast, then I wouldn't be killing myself." That way, you'll horrify them with your dead body and make those haters feel bad that you're dead, AND you'll make them chuckle a little. They'll say, "Ha, ha, ha, he's got a point...why would he want to kill himself if he could make a delicious pot roast?...everyone would love him if he could cook a delicious pot roast...he got me good with that one...ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee, snort, snort." You'll be the life of your own death party.

Make a Crusty Ambulance Driver Proud
In short, COMMIT to committing suicide. Think it through, do your research, interview those who have been unsuccessful (be sure to tell them they suck), pick a method that works for you, don't be a pansy, and be sure to pre-plan to avoid any sudden onset of 'the will to live.' If you follow this advice, you'll have an enjoyable, successful suicide...one which your friends and family may want to emulate one day. Remember, you can only kill yourself ONCE, so make it a death extravaganza.  And, remember to HAVE FUN!...people always forget to have fun when they're killing themselves. Because of this tutorial, I would expect nobody to ever fail at ending their failure-rich lives again. Make a Crusty Ambulance Driver proud...don't just mutilate yourself a little...make a statement...turn yourself into a work of art...show the world what big cajones you have...ANNIHILATE your pathetic self.

Note/Disclaimer/Whatever: I do not actually support, condone, encourage, or otherwise hope that you or anybody else would commit suicide (in most cases). I believe the purpose of life is to improve yourself and the world around you. By committing suicide, you are squandering that opportunity. In addition, suicide leaves your friends and family hurt, angry, and confused. In a lot of cases, when people commit suicide, they are abdicating their responsibilities and commitments, and leaving friends and family with messes to clean up and additional responsibilities to assume. In these cases, suicide is a greedy, self-indulging, cowardly act.


The purpose of this blog entry was to satirically make light of an otherwise very somber issue, in an attempt to shockingly entertain you (and me) and make a statement about a very frustrating aspect of my job, which is suicide "attempts." Don't kill yourself, and especially don't "attempt" to kill yourself. Use your problems as an opportunity to learn and grow. If you really think you might want to check out of life, clean up your problems, so others aren't left to clean up after you, and go join the Marines, The World Police (America, F@#! yeah); or go volunteer for some highly experimental, underground human drug testing...let someone turn you into a half-man, half-goat. Go give your life saving the world or something.

Somebody Abused The Emergency 911 Medical Services Today

Score One More For The FDA
8:30 A man called 911 for his 59 y/o WF wife who was cold and stiff, laying in bed. He went to check on her and see if she wanted some coffee, and he found her very dead. So, he called for a life-saving emergency 911 ambulance. We hung out with him until the police arrived. He told us his wife has been afflicted with "black lung" for 32 years. She's never smoked or drunk; she got black lung from an FDA approved anesthetic. Thanks FDA, what would we do without you? What's the difference between taking our chances on FDA approved drugs and taking our chances on drugs tested by private companies? The only difference I can think of is that we might actually educate ourselves and be a little more cautious about the drugs we take, if we didn't have the false sense of security that the FDA provides. How many of the FDA approved drugs we take today are going to give us "black lung" in 30 years?

Professional "Shook-Up" Mitigators To The Rescue
9:33 We responded to an MVA. When we arrived, we found nobody with any complaints or injuries. I asked the cop who called 911. He said, "dem people in dat ca look pre'y shook-up...ah jus wan ya'll ta check em out." I professionally replied, "yeah, I wish I could help, but we're all out of shook-up medicine."

Chronic Brain Problems Acting Up
10:28 We responded to the home of 56 y/o HM in the care of his 30 y/o daughter. He fell two days ago and injured his ribs. He fell again today, but he had no new injuries. He falls a lot, but he's been falling a lot more for the past couple of weeks. He had an aneurism 2 1/2 years ago, and he's been mentally impaired ever since. So...we did the only thing we can do for a guy with chronic brain problems...gave him a deluxe, ambassador's service ride in the back of our pathogen greenhouse.

Low Blood Sugar...Totally Resistant To Diet Coke
12:26 We were called to the restaurant of a doctor's office building, which was across the street from a hospital, and next door to a pharmacy (a pharmacy that sells glucose tabs). We were 10 minutes away. Our patient was a 62 y/o HF with low blood sugar. She took her insulin this morning at around 9, but she didn't eat anything. When she was at the doctor's office for her husband, she started to feel sick, so she walked downstairs with her daughter, she went to the restaurant, and they ordered a Diet Coke. The Diet Coke somehow did not improve her lack of sugar. When we showed up, her blood sugar was 29. We gave her glucose (non-diet), and she got all better.

Fracture
13:58 We were called to a suspected fracture 15 miles away. When we were about 20 minutes into our response, we were disregarded. Apparently, the patient got tired of waiting for a $500 bandaid and decided to take matters into his own hands and drive to the hospital without our bandaids.

Internal Bleeding...Err...Umm...Drug Run
15:31 This stupid druggy called us because he thought maybe he might be experiencing some internal bleeding, because his poo was darker than usual. This isn't the stupidest part. He wanted us to take him to a hospital 25 miles away for his highly urgent emergency condition. We're not normally supposed to go that far, but my supervisor said he thought I should take him there, since he had been there several times for the same condition. When we arrived 40 minutes later, we found out he had in fact been there several times for the same condition, in fact he had been there a couple of times this week alone. I found out he used to live near that hospital, and I found out he currently lives by our fire station because he lives in a gubment funded halfway house for his addiction to Oxycotin.

I ain't the sharpest cookie that was born yesterday this side of the tool shed, but I just wonder if maybe he might have a drug dealer near the hospital. I'm proud to have a hand in a system wherein multiple gubment programs are able to synergistically work together to facilitate this guy's drug addiction by giving him a free place to live and giving him free rides to his drug dealer.

Uh...Duh...Impressive Family
18:28 A driver of a worker van ran into a massive, custom made van containing a family of 11. This van had eight individual seats and a bench that sat three. All the seats were occupied. There were nine kids, and six of them were in car seats. I asked, "Is this a day care business?" In a half-offended way, the woman said "no, these are my kids." Struck with dumbness, I said, "wow...what an impressive family." There were three 7 year old boys, four 1.5 year old girls, and two 4 month old babies. I imagine they were from three litters, because each set looked very similar in appearance and age. Somehow there were no injuries, even though the van was severely damaged.

Two Ambulances vs. One Drunk Guy
2:11 Two ambulances were called to a drunk guy who pulled off the road to go to sleep. He didn't need either ambulance. Apparently, what he did need was a police officer to arrest him for drunk driving. The police officer determined he was driving drunk by feeling the hood of his car, which was still a little warm, and concluding that he must have been drunk when he last drove his car (a defense lawyer's dream).

A Psychological Bandaid
3:57 The son of a 91 y/o WF called us because she has the shakes, and she's had the shakes since earlier today. Everything checked out O.K., and the woman did not want to go to the hospital. Really, she and her son just wanted us to tell her she was O.K. This is a beautiful example of someone being sick enough to call an emergency ambulance but not sick enough to go to the hospital. Sometimes people just need a psychological bandaid...my specialty.

Another Gubment Assisted Drug Run
5:59 We were called to a halfway house for a guy who had crapped all over himself. His caretaker said, "he crapped all over himself, and he's got HIV; I ain't touching him." Apparently he took all his Xanax too quickly, and he wanted to go to the hospital to get some more. The caretaker told me she would take him to the hospital, but she signed an agreement saying she wouldn't drive him anywhere. Later I asked the patient how he was going to get home from his drug run, and he said he was going to call his caretaker. I don't understand why we don't just skip all the middlemen and just drive around giving out the prescription drugs that people enjoy abusing recreationally. (update...we picked up this same guy two nights later for the same problem...apparently the first hospital he went to didn't refill his Xanax prescription, so we took him to the one that always gives people what they want...the county hospital/drug dealer)

Wild Suicidal Woman Gets Tazed...

Crazed and Tazed

At around 11:30 P.M. we were called to a Psychological Problem/Injury or Laceration. We arrived to find a 40 y/o BF walking around the parking lot, being escorted by two other people, yelling out loud in an in-decipherable dialect (I could only pick up an occasional "MF'er"). The woman had no apparent injuries. Her eyes were wide, glossed over, and she looked at everyone like she was Old Yeller with rabies. I asked her if she was O.K., and she started walking toward me like I was a delicious meal, while she was wildly yelling that she was far from O.K. (MF'er), explaining that she just jumped off the third floor of the apartment complex. She said her hand hurt, but she 'dint wan no amblanz.' When she walked away, one of the other firefighters asked me if I thought we should call the police, which she overheard, and when she overheard that, she got primal, like Ron Artest in 06'. She started coming at the group of us, saying she was going to kill all of us MF'ers. She was heading straight for one of the firefighters when one of her buddies jumped in and restrained her (I suspect she might have wanted to be restrained).

We were slightly disappointed, because we were all halfway hoping that we would get to wrestle a wild woman to the ground, and WE are definitely not as trained as the police at restraining people without causing bodily harm. One of the firefighters actually said that he wished she would have attacked the firefighter she was going after, because they don't like him, and they think he might have benefitted from that woman orthodontically rearranging his teeth with her fists (he has a grill like Goofy, the Disney Dog).

She retreated to a porch on the second floor of the apartment building, and her friends followed her, trying to talk her into going to the hospital and trying to convince her to not hurt herself anymore than she already had. We thought she was going to jump off the second floor, so I got out my cell phone to videotape it.

The police quickly arrived, and after about 8 of them had gathered, they decided to go talk the woman into going to the hospital. Two of the officers walked upstairs and started talking to her. She made the grave mistake of assaulting one of the officers (windmill style), and the other 6 officers ran up the stairs and violently subdued the flailing, woman-gone-wild (cops live for the chance to subdue an cop-assailant). One of the officers used his tazer to get her to lay on the ground. In this video, you can hear the officers yelling at the crazed lunatic, and you can hear her yelling back about how she's going to kill all those officers and sue them. Then you can hear the tazer, and you can hear an officer tell her she's going to get tazed again if she doesn't get on her back.

After the wild beast was restrained by the police, we attached her to the stretcher with sheets, bandages, tape, masks (since she was trying to spit on us), and seatbelts. When she got to the hospital, she told the hospital staff she was going to 'bomb all ya'll MF'ers up in heeya...Om goan-ta keel all you MF'ers.' She even mentioned something about Katrina, New Orleans, and us being prejudiced against people from N.O. She said we didn't know who we were messing with, and that she had lawyers working for her. I told her that Jesus doesn't like it when she talks like that, but she didn't seem to care, reiterating that she would kill me. They gave her an injection of Ativan, which made her stop wanting to kill all of us "MF'ers;" in fact, it made her quite pleasant and kind of sleepy. At that point, I even considered asking her out on a date...maybe to go get some Ativan-crusted Redfish; some hot, frothy Ativaccino; or maybe some cool, refreshing, Mint & Ativan-chip ice cream.

Death Clock...Watch and Be Amazed

This is a fascinating clock, if you're sick like me. I like to click on "Death" (on the left side of the clock), and just sit there and watch all the people that are dying and see things from the perspective of the grim reaper. I like to imagine where all these bodies go, and I like to wonder if anyone cared about these people...or what they were doing right before they died. Maybe they were watching "Penn and Teller Bullshit" or "Curb Your Enthusiasm" on TV...or maybe they were eating a hot bowl of clam chowder with sprinkles of cheese on top. Try resetting the clock to "Day" or "Now" and watch the deaths pile up. It puts my job, as a Crusty Ambulance Driver, into perspective. It also makes me wonder if the "death clock" would be the least bit affected if there was no publicly funded EMS system or Crusty Ambulance Driver.

It also puts major tragedies into perspective. For example, consider the collapse of the World Trade Center, in which 3,000 people lost their lives. Then compare that to how many people die of DIARRHEA each day (or in traffic accidents). Compare our war against diarrhea to our war against terrorism.

Then, when you're done indulging in your sick fascination with death, and you're completely numb to the death of ANYONE, click on "More" and watch our national debt increase as we fund the publicly funded EMS system and our war on terror.



Poodwaddle.com

Zombies, Rug Burns, and Discolored Dead Guys...

Slightly Overstated...Possible Cardiac Arrest
7:50 One ladder truck, one paramedic squad, one EMS supervisor, and one ambulance...all for ONE twisted ankle. The call came in as a possible cardiac arrest at an industrial factory. We arrived to find a 52 y/o BM guy on the ground with a twisted ankle. So...we went ahead and did CPR on his twisted ankle. When we revived his ankle, we transported the dude to the hospital with heavy, overkilled spinal immobilization precautions for a guy who fell from standing with a twisted ankle. I guess you can't really over-dramaticize a worker's comp claim.

Slightly Understated...Possible Cardiac Arrest
10:21 Another possible cardiac arrest...yeah, whatever, right? Well this dude was a little beyond cardiac arrest. The dude's (46 y/o WM) real estate agent was coming by the house to check out some damaged caused by the sellers when they were moving out. She thought it was odd that the dog was still in the house, so she decided to be a little nosey, which she would soon regret. She went up to the third floor, calling the dude's name, entered his bedroom, and saw him in his bed. She approached the bed, calling his name, and gave him a little shake to wake him up. He didn't wake up, she freaked out, bolted out of the room, and called 911.

We found him totally dead, with rigor mortis and heavy levidity. The levidity had actually created a very impressive, well-defined line on his face, just behind his cheeks that extended all the way around the top of his head. The real estate agent was freaking out. At one point, I had to tell her that she didn't have to personally take care of the body; the police would do that. Later, when she was on the phone with one of her friends, she said, "What am I going to do with his body?" (thinking she had to personally dispose of it), and I had to remind her again that the police would take care of the giant mound of dead, discolored flesh.

Chest Pains Gone Bad
12:11 Responded to the home of a 62 y/o HM CO chest pains on his front porch. While the paramedics were talking to him, he fell down, unconscious, and started having something like a seizure. He had been working outside all morning in heavy heat. It's possible he had some sort of heat stroke, heat related seizure, heat induced heart problem, or a combination of all of those. Anyway, the dude was unconscious, and he was in really bad shape. The paramedics started IV's, and we hauled @$$ to the hospital. The guy looked like he was going to be OK.

Blood-Drenched Zombie
13:36 We got called to an apartment complex for an unknown problem (which remained that way...unknown). At the apt. complex, we were greeted by the guy who called 911...a concerned citizen who saw some dude on his porch having an apparent seizure (or something)...generally acting crazy...and bleeding everywhere. We arrived with a police officer, and the police officer went and knocked on the door...we were right behind the police officer. Suddenly, some naked guy, with blood everywhere, abruptly opened his front door and came running out of the house. He jogged in place for a couple of seconds, and then ran back into the house and fell on the floor, on a pile of furniture parts and blood.

The guy looked like a creature from a Robert Rodriguez zombie movie. He had blood all over his face, on his chest, dried spots of blood on his arms, dried crustations of blood in his nose, and blood stains on his zombie teeth...he even had the classic streamers of blood from the top teeth to the bottom teeth, when he opened his mouth. He looked like he was just eating live humans. His eyes were WIDE-open, and his pupils were super dilated. He never really focused on anyone; he just looked around with crazy zombie eyes.

My partner went to take his blood pressure, which the zombie allowed for a little while, but then some sort of switch just tripped in his zombie head, and he started going berzerk. He started flopping all over the floor, performing some scissor-kicking, full-body-seizure-like maneuvers, tearing everything up in his path, and causing furniture parts to clang together and be flung all over the floor. When he was finished going Category 5 on the front room, he got up and started coming after us. The zombie grabbed at one of my partners, but only got his name tag, so my two partners headed for the door (which locked behind them). Then the zombie came after me, with classic outstretched zombie arms, but I was trapped, with the zombie between me and door, and I couldn't escape. So I just took cover behind the cop, who pulled out his tazer and threatened to taze the zombie. The zombie backed off, but proceeded to go 'bull in a china shop' on the whole front room. He even kicked out the window next to the door and sustained a massive laceration on his ankle...doubling the amount of blood on the already blood-soaked floor.

Then the zombie headed straight for a railing, behind which was a 8 to 9 foot drop, down to the first floor. When he headed for the railing, I thought, "YES, this is going to be exciting...this naked zombie is about to fall over the railing and land on the first floor...I wish I was video-taping this." But then, the police officer bravely stepped in and tried to stop him from going over the railing, which I realized was probably the right thing to do. The cop was losing the battle, and the zombie was about to fall, so I jumped in and helped restrain the zombie and put him on the ground. At this point, my two partners were locked outside, so I opened the front door to let my partners in, so they could help hold him down until a few other cops showed up. The police heavily restrained him, and we transported the zombie to the county hospital (also a psych facility). The patient told us, at one point, that he had taken acid and shrooms, but he also told us he was God and that we WOULD respect him. I really hope it wasn't God, because I don't want to hang-out with a blood-drenched zombie in heaven.

A Bad Case of the Shakes
15:59 We were called to another fire station for a 48 y/o WF who had walked into the fire station and complained of being "shakey." The fire fighters called an ambulance for her. When we got there, the ff's met us at the ambulance and told us to just bring our computer (to write up the call), because the lady said she didn't want to go to the hospital. That might have been a vital bit of information to receive BEFORE we arrived. The lady said, "I don't want to go to the hospital; I've been several times for this problem, and they've never done anything to help me." That makes sense to me...if a hospital can't help you, go to a local fire station. We wrote up the record and took off, denying the lady a ride to the local bus stop, which she requested as we were leaving (the last thing we want is for people to start coming to the fire station to get a ride to nearest bus stop).

Rug Rash
17:13 Responded to the apartment complex of a 14 y/o BM, in the back of a police car, for a minor abrasion on the kid's right elbow. The kid was a habitual run-away, and he was attempting a jail-break today. His mom caught him, and while wrestling him to the ground, the kid got a MINOR rug burn on his arm. It was not even bleeding. The police showed up and took the kid into custody, and the officer decided he should call an ambulance for the abrasion. We drove with lights and sirens for 15 minutes to arrive to find a kid with a non-bleeding abrasion. I asked the cop who called for an ambulance, and he said, "Ah deed...ah knew he dint nee no ambolanz o no hospal, buh I jus ca ya'll ta cov ma tracks, ya know wha'm sayin...ge'em checked out." The mom told me she WOULD take him to the hospital, which was a quarter mile away, but she "dint have nough gas in da ca'." I talked the mom into letting us take the kid to the hospital so that we wouldn't have to do a "pediatric no-load," which is about a 45-minute process. So...we drove the kid one quarter mile to the hospital, in the emergency 911 ambulance, for a small, non-bleeding rug burn.

Cardiac Arrest...er...uh...Drunk Guy
18:20 A local guy who gets off on calling 911 (he wants to be a firefighter) called 911 for a guy on the street who was possibly having a cardiac arrest. 4 different units got dispatched. The paramedics arrived and found a drunk guy sleeping. They miracously cured the drunk guy of his sleep and disregarded us.

Sleeping Guy, Maybe
23:17 A concerned citizen named Richard called 911 for a guy who he thought was sleeping in his car on the side of the freeway. Two fire trucks, one paramedic unit, and an ambulance searched all over the freeway and found nothing. They need to make 911 a 1-900 number that charges you $5.99 a minute...that way, the only people that would call us would be lonely, horny, fat dudes, looking to meet 'hot young college girls in YOUR town.'

The Right to Life, Liberty, and EMS...

We just celebrated (or mourned) Independence Day, which is a celebration of our independence from an oppressive government, a government which robbed people of their rights to life, liberty, and property. The Declaration of Independence delineated the reasons why our country's forefathers declared freedom from an oppressive government, and it created a foundation of principles upon which our federal government was formed. The most basic of these principles included the in-a-LIEN-able rights to life, liberty, and property. Are we still entitled to our inalienable rights to life, liberty, and property; or has that changed...are they no longer inalienable rights?

Specifically, what is the right to life? What does it mean these days? How does it fit in with government-funded EMS systems?

Does it mean people have the right to live as long as they can support themselves, and if they can't support themselves anymore, and nobody is willing to help them, then they die; or does it mean that people have a right to have the best possible medications or medical procedures, whether they can pay for them or not, at other people's expense, in order to stay alive?

If a person has the right to have the best possible medications and medical procedures, at someone else's expense, then isn't that robbing someone ELSE of their right to life, liberty, and property? Does that mean some people have more rights than others? Does that mean sick people have the right to rob a doctor's time, money, and property (pharmaceuticals, equipment, and other medical items he has bought with his own money)? Does that make doctors, hospital owners, pharmaceutical company owners, or pharmacists a bunch of slaves to the rest of us? I thought slavery was abolished.

If people do not have the right to take other people's time, money, knowledge, and property; then why do we have a government-funded EMS system? Why should a person have a right to call a government-funded ambulance to come support their life, at someone else's expense (money/property/time)? Or, worse yet, why do we have government funded health care, and why are we even considering nationally socialized medicine to replace private medicine?

Are we still entitled to our inaLIENable rights to life, liberty, and property? If not, then how much different is our government from the oppressive English government from which our country's forefathers declared independence? Is it time to declare independence again?

Losers Doing What They Do Best...

Person Vomited
7:46 Responded to the home of a 56 y/o HF in a permanent vegetative state. She has been home for 1 week with her two daughters, and they've called 911 twice since she's been home. She lives on the second floor of an apartment complex, and every time they need her to go see a doctor, they need to call 911, because they can't move her from the second floor. Today she was eating, and she vomited a little bit. They called the doctor to tell him that she had vomited, and he said they should probably call 911 and bring her in, because she might have aspirated while vomiting. She had no signs of aspiration or any other signs or symptoms. We transported her to the nearest ER while her daughter, that takes care of her, went to school. Hmm...I wonder if calling 911 had anything to do with wanting to get rid of mom for a few hours.

That's What You Get For Being a 2 Y/O Locked Inside of a House
10:14 Responded to the home of a 2 y/o HF, CO a laceration on her nose. The little girl was inside her house, and the mother was locked out. The mother broke the window to gain entry while her daughter was next to the window. The glass from the window lacerated the little girl's nose. The bleeding had mostly stopped by the time we arrived, and the little girl would not let us even come close to her nose, so we professionally drove a crying 2 y/o to the hospital, without any medical attention. When we arrived at the hospital, the little girl wouldn't let the nurses touch her nose either, so they gave up.

Dehydrated Lady in a Nursing Home That Doesn't Do Much Nursing
11:49 Responded to a nursing home facility for a 90 y/o WF described as being unresponsive. The nurses entered the room and found her unresponsive, staring blankly at the wall. The highly trained & competent nurses (one of which was an RN) called 911 and reported that she was in cardiac arrest. We arrived and found her less responsive than usual but definitely alive. We transported her to the hospital and gave her an IV for suspected dehydration. The Pt. was lively and responsive upon arrival at the hospital...something an onsite RN might have been able to handle (IV fluid restoration, that is).

Coont Catch Ma Bref
13:18 Responded to the group home (state funded) of a 70 y/o BF, CO breathing problems. She had a history of emphysema and CHF, and she still smokes about a pack of cigarettes every day. She said she just feels like "ah coont catch ma bref today," ever since this morning. I asked her if she ever considered giving up smoking. She told me she was 3x older than I am, so she knows what she's doing. While we were there, she caught her bref, and she didn't want to go to the hospital (the other occupants of the house called on her behalf, but she didn't want no amblance).

False Alarms
14:20 We got called to an assault, but it was a false alarm.

17:33 We got called to a fire, but we were disregarded because it was just a stove fire.

Why Go to the Hospital When the Fire Station is Free?
18:43 We got called to another fire station for an 80 y/o WF, CO "feeling funny." She lives the same distance from the fire station as she lives from the hospital. She chose to drive to the fire station instead of the hospital. The ambulance from that fire station was gone, so they called me. I was about 10 minutes and 5-6 miles away; she was 1/2 mile from the hospital. She said she didn't want to go to the hospital; she just wanted to get checked out. She said she goes to the fire station all the time to get checked out...it's more convenient than the hospital, and it's free. She was afraid her blood pressure was a little elevated. We asked her if she's been taking her BP meds, and she reported that she WAS taking her BP meds, but she started just taking a half of the pill when her BP got normal (at around 110). We explained to her that the purpose of taking the entire dose was to make her BP normal, and her elevated BP might be due to the fact that she's only been taking half her normal dose. I'm glad we can professionally sort these things out for people sometimes, even if it does cost taxpayers millions of dollars.

Street Cleaning
19:59 Responded to a 43 y/o HM, found having a seizure in the street. A doctor was leaving the restaurant and found this homeless dude having seizures...she called 911. When the guy became coherent, he didn't want to go with us to the hospital. He had a history of seizures, and it had happened before. He tried to escape us, but didn't get far before he fell over. We talked him into going so that someone else wouldn't call us to come pick him up again.

God-Given Front Door Key...Her Fist
2:18 Responded to the apartment of a 23 y/o HF, CO lacerations to her arm. She was coming home from a "gay party" (she wanted to make sure we knew it was a "gay party"), and she realized she had left her keys at the party. She had her two kids and husband with her, she didn't want to go back to the party, so she punched a hole in the front window with her hand/arm. She had a couple of lacerations to her arm that might have needed stitches. We professionally drove the entire family to the hospital, and she was sent straight to the waiting room for her minor lacerations.

Interesting FunFact...When we were on location, there were two other ambulances on the same row of apartments, picking up losers for various other reasons (65 ambulances in a city of 2+ million people, and 3 of them are on the same exact street, at the same time...what a nice, bunch of upstanding citizens).

Drunk Guy Looking For His House, Didn't Find It In DOT Parking Lot
3:52 Responded to the local Department of Transportation building for a 24 y/o BM, who was extremely intoxicated, trying to find his house, took a wrong turn, and ended up in the parking lot of the DOT, with the car in Drive, pinned against a security gate, and then he just gave up and went to sleep. We were called by the DOT Security to show up, turn off his car and professionally wake him up. The police arrived and arrested him.

Saving Lives and Taking Names...

From the Free Clinic to the Free Hospital, By Free Ambulance
9:01 Responded to a county health clinic (free, socialized health care clinic) for a 45 y/o HF CO chest pains. Pt. had an MI (myocardial infarction) 25 years prior, she has high blood pressure, and she about 100 lbs. overweight. The paramedics ran an EKG, and they didn't find any new problems with her heart; it was problem some sort of respiratory infection. Her vitals were also normal. So...the clinic transferred care of the Pt. from the care of a doctor to the care of EMT-Basic, and we transported her to the nearest county hospital (also free, socialized health care).

Itchy Chick...Really...Just Itchy...
11:53 Responded to the apartment of a 19 y/o HF CO being itchy all over. She did not appear to have any hives or other obvious signs of allergies. We told her we didn't know what was wrong with her, told her she should ask a doctor, and invited her to take a ride on the magic, itch-alleviating ambulance. She told us she was never interested in going to the hospital or riding the ambulance; she just thought that if she called us, we could come and give her a shot or something. My partner asked her if anyone else has been in her house that could have given her lice or something. She told us that a some guy slept in her bed with her last night, but he's slept there before.

Guy Finds Out He's Not an Ant or Roach
12:25 Responded to the home of a 48 y/o BM CO having sprayed a can of Hot Shot Ant/Roach spray ("continues to kill for up to 2 weeks") in his mouth in an attempt to commit suicide. The Pt. was spraying the stuff in his mouth while sitting on his front porch. A concerned citizen saw him performing his feable attempt at suicide, and she called 911. Note to suicidal people: Always spray Hot Shot Ant/Roach killer into your mouth INSIDE your apartment...if you do it outside, someone might see you, call 911, and thwart your perfect plan to kill yourself. Pt. says he was trying to commit suicide because of the voices in his head. He obviously did not read the side of the can, where it clearly says "Not intended to kill the voices in your head, unless you're an ant or roach."

13 Year Old Female With a Nearly Amputated Arm...The Real Deal
15:54 While I was being interviewed for the local CBS news affiliate, which was doing a story on ambulances being called for B.S. reasons and the city's plan to refer B.S. calls for ambulances to nurses, I was called to "an injury/laceration and possible cardiac arrest." The news reporter asked me, as I was getting into the ambulance, "Does that sound like a legitimate call?" I said, "injury or laceration AND possible cardiac arrest...sounds like the real deal."

We arrived at a house and found a 13 y/o WF lying on the ground in her backyard, in a massive pool of blood, crying...worried that she was going to die, with a major laceration to her right arm. Her humerus bone was broken in the middle, it was an open fracture, and nearly all the skin on her arm had been lacerated. It was nearly a complete amputation; I could see both ends of her bone, her tendons, her muscles, and severed veins, which were now oozing blood. It appeared as though the bottom portion of her arm was being held on to the upper portion of her arm by a couple of tendons and a little bit of skin. There was A LOT of blood on the ground, but the bleeding had slowed down to an oozing bleed, by the time we arrived.

The girl was walking through the backyard, under a giant oak tree, when an 8-inch diameter limb broke off the tree (like some freaky, 'Final Destination' stuff). The limb hit her on the arm, nearly amputated her arm, and knocked her to the ground. We quickly stabilized her spine, splinted her arm, and drove Grand Prix-style to the children's hospital. They took x-rays and told her that they would likely be able to completely re-attach her arm, with minimal nerve damage, if any.

The good news is that the girl's arm will probably be saved; the bad news is that the local CBS news interviewed someone else, and I didn't get the chance to reveal what a waste of taxpayer money the ambulance is...and possibly work in a plug for Crusty Ambulance Driver.

Needed Ambulance For Final 200 Feet of Journey to the Hospital
17:48 We were called to a location DIRECTLY across from the local hospital (200-300 feet from the front door). A fire truck was putting out a grass fire in front of the hospital, they had traffic stopped on that road, and a man came running up to them saying that he had been shot in the hand, and his friend couldn't drive him to the hospital because traffic was stopped. The guys on the fire truck did what guys on the fire truck do, and they called an ambulance (which was about an 8 minute drive away) and started wrapping his hand. While wrapping his hand, the firefighters mentioned that he was just a few feet from the nearest hospital (which was his destination), and the ambulance was more than 5 minutes away. The Pt. said he knew the hospital was there, but he apparently had not done the math yet. He decided he would go ahead and make the 30 second journey on foot, and we were disregarded just before we could arrive.

WE SAVED A GUY!...From Having to Pay Hospital Bills
1:03 Responded to the apartment of a 46 y/o WM CO chronic breathing problems. The Pt. is asthmatic, and he has CHF. He was currently having a problem with his CHF. This was the second or third time our fire department had responded to this guy in the past couple of months. As we were walking in, one of the paramedics said, "I just responded to this guy a couple of weeks ago...check out his weight room."

He was released 5 hours prior from a 2 week stay in the local, PRIVATE hospital (meaning he had to pay for his hospital stay). The Pt. was in a private hospital bed, and the hospital told him he would have to pay, so he decided to go home. 5 hours later, he called us and asked us to take him to the county hospital, where he wouldn't have to pay, even though the county hospital was about 15 minutes away, the private hospital was only about 2 minutes away, and he had a "life-threatening condition." He said he would refuse to go with us if we were going to take him to the closest hospital for his life-threatening emergency condition.

The Pt. weighed about 350 lbs., and he apparently subsisted on Papa John's Pizza and Coca-Cola Classic, because he had empty pizza and coke boxes piled up to the ceilings, all over his apartment.

When we told him to get on the stretcher, so we could begin our high-speed emergency transport to the hospital, he told us to hold on for minute, because he had to walk into the other room and send a few e-mails first. To his credit, he WAS a little winded when he got back from his emergency e-mailing. We took him to the county hospital, where he was about to get a lesson in why socialized health care doesn't work.

Here's What Your Tax Money Paid For Today...

Making a Difference
8:38 Called to an assisted living home for a 76 y/o WF CO syncope. Here's a timeline of what happened. See if you can tell how exactly the "emergency" 911 ambulance actually helped this poor old lady...
8:28 Patient has a witnessed syncopal episode for 2 minutes...which is why she's in a nursing home to begin with...she passes out sometimes.
8:30 Assisted care RN begins to assess patient and take her vitals, Pt. seems OK.
8:38 Assisted care RN decides to call 911 (company policy, I guess).
8:48 Emergency medical services arrive to save the patient with our high-speed emergency life-saving & transport unit.
8:50 EMT's begin assessment and find out the vitals look good/Pt. looks good. Pt. is ambulatory and spritey.
8:55 EMT's tell the Pt. her vitals look good and ask her if she wants to go to the hospital by emergency, high-speed, life-saving ambulance. The Pt. does not really want to go, and she starts to tell us no. The resident RN jumps in and insists that she go to the hospital by emergency, high-speed, life-saving 911 ambulance...so that she'll get the help she desperately needs faster, I guess.
9:00 The nursing home is within walking distance from the closest hospital facility, but the nurse insists that she go to a hospital ten miles and 20 minutes away. We inform the RN that this Pt. will not see her doctor; she will see the ER docs. She says "yeah but...her docta go to that hospital and they can collabrit." Couldn't they also collaborate if she went to the closer hospital (both hospitals were part of the same hospital company)?...that's why I'm not an RN, I guess...I don't understand the rules of emergency medical collaboration.
9:02 The Pt. walks around her room for a minute, collecting stuff, then hesitantly climbs aboard the stretcher to begin her high-speed, highly emergent transport to an emergency room that can quickly mitigate her life-threatening condition. We begin high-speed emergency transport to the hospital that is 10 miles away
9:22 We arrive at the emergency room of the other hospital in our high speed, life-threatening emergency transport unit.
9:25 The Pt. begins to be assessed by an emergency room RN.
9:38 One hour and ten minutes after the Pt.'s syncopal episode occurs, the Pt. is transferred to an ER bed and the care of ER staff who can now begin to fix this Pt.'s life-threatening emergency....although, after giving us a room assignment, the ER staff is nowhere to be found, and we drop the Pt. off in an empty, lonely ER room...they'll get to her when they get around to it.

It's good to know that, no matter what happens during the rest of the day, we were able to use taxpayers' money to make a difference in at least ONE person's life today.

Professional Tuck-in Service
15:32 Called to the home of a 75 y/o WF who eased herself to the floor in her bedroom. The home health care nurse was helping her move around the room, and she ended up losing her grip, and the lady slowly eased herself to the floor. The home health care nurse called 911, and she got an ambulance and a paramedic squad unit. She told us the lady was OK; she just needed to be put back into bed. So we professionally lifted the lady back into bed and left.

Mad Dog 20-20 Strikes Again
16:53 Responded to the apartment of 27 y/o BM CO a headache, neck ache, and a little bit of cramping. The Pt. had been drinking Mad Dog 20-20 for the past two days without drinking any other liquids. This is the second time this has happened in the past few weeks. You would think he would start to notice a correlation between drinking Mad Dog 20-20 and getting sick and dehydrated. We took him to the hospital, where they recognized him from a few weeks ago, and they put him in the waiting room.

A Little Bit Sore From Lifting
19:00 Responded to the home of a 38 y/o BM CO right side chest pains which increase on palpation, movement, and inspiration. We found him in his car, getting ready to go to the hospital, when he decided his condition was too grave, and he called 911. We arrived, the paramedics put him on the monitor, didn't find anything, and the patient revealed that he had been lifting some stuff earlier and it might be a muscle ache. The patient wisely decided he probably did not need an emergency 911 ambulance for his life-threatening condition. As we were leaving, his mother showed up after hearing the news, and she stopped us as we were leaving. Crying, she asked us if he was going to be OK. We told her we thought he would make it.
Note to Intoxicated Hobos...
21:47 Responded to a 51 y/o BM lying in the street for unknown reasons. The Pt. answered our questions, but he was a little bit altered. He denied using any drugs or alcohol, and his vitals looked pretty good. We threw him on the stretcher and dropped him off in the nearest intoxicated patient depository, so they could tie up one of their ER rooms, sleeping off his intoxication. Note to intoxicated hobos: learn to hide your intoxicated pile of flesh in the bushes so that nobody calls 911 for you. YOU don't want to deal with us, and WE don't want to deal with you. So, if you're going to binge on alcohol, then binge on alcohol responsibly...do it where nobody can see your intoxicated, nearly life-less body. When people see you in the street, they get all compassionate, and when do-gooders get compassionate, they contribute to society by calling 911.

Elusive Patient
00:02 We got called to a motor vehicle accident by a concern passer-by (Ms. Greta). She saw a car hit a telephone and figured someone must need an ambulance. When we arrived, the "patient" had long fled the scene. I'd guess the person was intoxicated.

Life Threatening Enough for an Ambulance, But Not Enough to Hurry to the Closest Hospital
1:11 We responded to the assisted care home of a 45 y/o WF with cerebral palsy. Reportedly she had fallen 14 hours prior, and had been lying on the floor ever since, except for when she got up and called her friend. Her friend arrived at her house, and they decided they should call 911 emergency medical services. The Pt. had some back pain, so we put her on a backboard with a c-collar. We were about two miles from a perfectly good hospital, but the Pt. said she didn't want to go with us to the hospital unless we would take her to the hospital which was 12 miles away. She said that was the only hospital that would take her Medicaid. I told her it would take about 25 minutes to get there, and it would be better to go to the hospital that was 5 minutes away for her highly emergent condition. The Pt. got mad and said that the hospital she wanted to go to was right downtown...it doesn't take 25 minutes to get there. While enroute, she complained to the guy in the back about me and the fact that I lied and said it would take 25 minutes to get to the hospital. 30 minutes later we pulled into the hospital.

One Too Many 2-For-$1 Jack-in-the-Box Tacos
5:21 We responded to the Jack-in-the-Box for a 25 y/o HM. He said he has felt sick for about a week with a cough and chest discomfort. Today he felt like his esophagus was burning a little bit, and he just couldn't take it anymore. We professionally gave him a ride to the nearest life-threatening emergency care facility. He told us he had no home, no I.D., no money, and of course, he spoke no English.

The Pez Dispenser...Gaping Neck Wound

At around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, we were called to an Evangelical church in the middle of a predominantly black neighborhood, for an injury/laceration. When we arrived, we knew we had a real emergency because we were being waved in by other firefighters.... acting like third base coaches in a baseball game, waving in the winning run of the decisive game in the world series (it's rare to see fellow firefighters get that excited about something). Our second indicator that we had a significant injury was the reactions of the black, Evangelical worshippers, who are already a very dramatic group of people, were now in a complete panic, strewing their bodies about the chapel, praying and chanting. Our final indicator that something was seriously wrong was the solid trail of blood, running up the steps of the church, straight down the middle of the aisle, terminating just in front of the pulpit of the church, where we saw a 30 y/o HM, drench in blood, surrounded by a pool of blood, kneeling down, and holding a drenched trauma dressing to his neck.

According to the patient's girlfriend...since the patient wasn't in a story-telling mood...this guy was attempting to commit suicide, by cutting his own neck. Normally, this is a surefire, no frills way of getting the job done, as seen in Quentin Tarantino movies, where people die quickly of lacerations to the neck while painting the room with blood spraying from their necks. Well...this guy lacked the vital knowledge that, in order to make this method of suicide work successfully, you need to make sure you cut one or both of the carotid arteries. He somehow cut everything except the carotid arteries. He cut through his trachea and esophagus, but he missed the arteries. You see,... he cut deep rather than wide. There was a lot of blood, but it was all from veins and capillaries, rather than arteries...it was oozing, rather than spraying.

If you're going to kill yourself by cutting your neck open, ALWAYS START AT THE CAROTID ARTERIES, not at the front of your Adam's Apple (find your carotid arteries by touching two fingers to your neck, just to the sides of your trachea, until you feel the pulsating arteries). The chances are, if you start at your Adam's Apple, you'll give up before you get to your carotid arteries, due to pain, blood loss, difficulties breathing, blood aspiration, or general discomfort. Also, ALWAYS USE THE SHARPEST KNIFE AVAILABLE. Maybe this guy was using some sort of butter knife or similarly inferior blade, and he ended up having to saw his neck open, rather than gently slicing his neck open. I would recommend using a Wustof bread-cutting knife; it's long, sharp, and it's serrated, which would help get through some of those tough (cartilage-y) spots. I don't know what made this guy stop sawing open his own neck before getting to his carotid arteries...he wasn't in a story-telling mood...but just before he carved open his carotid arteries, he suddenly acquired the will to live.

He got in the car with his girlfriend, and she drove him to the nearest Evangelical church, of course. They were in the middle of singing praises to the lord, speaking in tongues, and rolling on the ground, overcome with the Holy Ghost, when this guy came staggering up the aisle, holding his gaping neck wound with two hands (the international sign for 'I just sawed my neck open'), and leaving a trail of blood on the carpet.

We removed the trauma dressing to take a look (partly for business reasons, partly for entertainment reasons), and we quickly re-applied the trauma dressing, when we saw that his neck had become a horror film, and it was still generously disseminating blood. We threw the guy onto the stretcher and quickly hauled him to the nearest Level 1 trauma facility.

While enroute, the patient kept losing consciousness, and every time he would lose consciousness, he would allow his head to fall backwards, which would expose the MASSIVE wound in the guy's neck, making him look like a giant Pez Dispenser. It was interesting that whenever his head was forward, he would breath through his mouth, but when his head fell backward, he would breath through his neck-hole. Breathing was not exactly easy, since blood was running down his trachea, into his lungs, causing him to gurgle on blood and occasionally cough up the blood (sort of...through his new mouth in his neck).

When we got to the hospital, he was taken straight to the operating room. The patient was almost completely unconscious at this point, and the doctors had applied a topical anesthetic. For the first time, I actually felt a little nauseous, when the doctors started probing his massive neck hole with their whole hands...almost like a little kid would crudely pull open a half-broken pinata to see if there's any candy left inside.

Overall, the patient was in pretty good condition, and the doctors thought they could put this dude's neck back together again. This was probably the most ambitious, failed suicide attempt I had ever seen.

Losers, Complaining Losers, and More Losers...

Wakey Wakey, Hands Off Snakey...Now We Do Wake-Up Calls
6:35 We got called to a vacant lot to professionally wake up a sleeping 40+ y/o HM. We pulled up, turned on the sirens, he woke up, we chatted a little, and we bolted. I told him, "hey man, if you're going to get drunk and go to sleep on someone's property, you need to do it where nobody can see you...otherwise, they call us." He said, "jes, sank you vedy mush...I jus sleepink...I dreen too mush las nigh."

A Little Tougher To Refuse The Ambulance While Unconscious...2nd Ambulance Call Within The Hour
8:19 We responded to the local party supply store for a 30 y/o BM, lying on the floor, unconscious (post-ictal). His co-workers said he had a 5 minute long seizure. They said this is the second seizure he's had this morning and the second time an ambulance has come to his rescue. The first time was when he got off the bus to come to work this morning, he had a seizure, an ambulance responded to him, he woke up, and he refused transport. It was a little tougher to refuse transport this time; he was still unconscious. We loaded him up and hauled him to the county patient-dumping-grounds (hospital).

Chest Pains...err...uh...Back Pain For 2 Weeks
9:30 We responded to the temporary home of a 40 y/o, toothless, whiny, WM, CO chest pains. When we arrived, we found out the chest pains were really more like back pain, which he has had for two weeks. He felt it pop two weeks ago, and it's hurt ever since. He said that he tried to get his uncle, with whom he lives, to take him to the hospital, but his uncle "bitched him out" and told him to quit complaining. So, he called us. He walked to the stretcher, and we took him to the nearest loser depository (hospital), and I didn't even hardly 'bitch him out' myself.

Bathing While Intoxicated
11:12 We responded to an abandoned gas station, near the local viaduct (water run-off canal) for a 25 y/o homeless HM CO of big laceration on his forehead. His friend says he was bathing while intoxicated (BWI) in the viaduct (sewer water), and he slipped and fell, hitting his head on the filthy concrete. His friend called 911 for him. When we got there, the guy said he didn't want our help, so we left some bandages and saline with his friend, and we took off.

The Only Thing Worse Than Picking Up Losers For BS Reasons...
13:11 We responded to the home of a 25 y/o WF CO gall bladder pain for the past four days. She says she ran out of pain pills about four days ago.

After she walked to the ambulance, walking by her personal vehicle, which her husband could have used to drive her to the hospital, I asked her, "what were you hoping we could do for you today...did you just need a ride to the hospital?" This seemed like a legitimate question to me. I didn't know if she was hoping to get some oxygen on the way, or if she was hoping we had pain meds to give her, or if she just enjoyed the sweet contamination of the back of an ambulance.

Well...she became irrate, got up off the stetcher, got out of the ambulance, asked for our badge numbers, told us she was going to complain on us, and proceeded to re-dial 911 to file a complaint. Then her husband came out to the ambulance and started swearing at me, saying "Can't you just drive her to the f###ing hospital...isn't it your f###ing job to drive people to the hospital...I would f###ing take her myself, but someone has to stay home and watch the baby." ...Well, fine sir, actually, it's kind of not really supposed to be our job to drive someone to the hospital, just because it's a pain in the ass for you to drive her yourself...911 Emergency Medical Ambulance Services are kind of supposed to be for life threatening emergencies...I thought. These people are amazing...I'm a little bit surprised that he didn't call 911 and ask for someone to come and just babysit.

The only thing worse than picking up losers on the ambulance for BS reasons, is having to respond to complaints from losers that call the 911 ambulance for BS reasons. Within about 4 weeks, the fire department will issue me a 48 hour notice, and I'll have to write a detailed account of what happened. Then, they'll decide if they're going to punish me for my crimes. This is the second time in my long, illustrious career I will have had to respond to a complaint.

Assaulted While Assaulting a Thief...
13:58 We responded to an apartment parking lot for a 58 y/o WM CO being assaulted by a man who was trying to steal stuff out of his truck. He says he went into the apartment building, and when he came out 2 minutes later, a HM had broken his window and climbed inside his truck, trying to steal all of his electronics. He ran over there, pulled the guy out of his truck, and started kicking his ass. His son showed up and also helped kick the thief's ass. Somehow the thief got away from these two ass-kicking zealots. Later, the son called 911 to get his father "checked out." The father did not want to be checked out, so we left him alone. He had no apparent signs or symptoms. He seemed like he was excited and happy that he got to beat up a thief, more than he seemed to be injured or in need of help.

2-Story Fall
14:35 We responded to a building construction site for a 46 y/o WM CO injuries from falling 15 feet from some scaffolding. He said he had some side and back pain. We put him on a backboard and C-collar, which the Pt. removed, because he didn't like the way it felt. He didn't really want our help (he was kind of a tough guy), but the construction site managers wanted him to ride in the 911 ambulance for precautionary reasons. You can never be too safe, I guess.

False Alarm...By Fellow Fire Fighters...
16:14 We got called to a motor vehicle accident in front of our fire station, by the other firefighters in our fire station. There were no injuries or need for an ambulance. Fire fighters call for ambulances, without knowing if there is a need for an ambulance, as much as the ignorant, 911 ambulance-abusing citizens.

Police Rough Up a Drug Dealer...
20:42 The police department called us to "check out" a drug dealer, who they had just tackled and arrested, during a sting operation. They especially wanted us to check out the big bump on his forehead. We asked the Pt. about the bump on his forehead, and he said it was a basal cyste, which he's had all his life. The Pt. had no other complaints. We professionally cleaned some dirt off of the Pt's face, and we left.

Doing What Heroes Do...

I'd like to order one ambulance with nothing on it...
8:29 Responded to an auto-pedestrian accident. A yellow Mustang was driving down a narrow street and hit a construction worker, who was working on the side of the road. The Mustang did not stop. The pt. was a 50 y/o HM, CO severe back pain and some minor cuts and scrapes. Pt. also says he was knocked unconscious (a very bad sign of possible head injury). We immobilized the pt.'s spine with a backboard/c-collar and transported him to a level 1 trauma center. While enroute, the pt. took off his c-collar and got off the backboard...he said he didn't need it, it hurt him, and it caused him to have nasal congestion. He said he needed to sit upright (like you would in a regular ol' car). I guess that makes me wonder...what was the purpose of calling an ambulance?

It was the fault of the car in front of me...it just stopped...
10:44 Responded to an MVA on the freeway. It was a one-car accident. The driver of the one car said, in an angry and accusatory way, "the car in front of me just stopped for no reason...what was I supposed to do?" Lately, it seems like a lot of people are being victimized by drivers slowing down or stopping in front of them. They may want to look into learning what a safe following distance is. She avoided the car but didn't avoid the wall. Her passenger CO shoulder pain, and she was transported to the hospital.

Prescription drug refill...
13:44 Responded to the home of 51 y/o BF, CO of a headache and high BP. She lived about 2 miles from the hospital of her choice. We responded from about 15 miles away (due to heavy call volumes in the city at the time). It took us about 15-20 minutes to get there. The pt. says she was out of her prescription meds and she needed a refill. The pt. walked out to the ambulance, passing by the car of one of the 5 occupants of the house, and we transported her to the county hospital. When we arrived, she was escorted to the waiting room.

Wrong Location for No Patients...
15:15 A responsible citizen named Monica called 911 for a car accident. She may have given us the wrong location, but at least she didn't stop and check to see if anyone needed an ambulance. We drove all over trying to find the location. We called Monica to find out where it was...she didn't really know because she wasn't on location, nor did she ever stop her car. When we finally found it, the occupants of the cars were walking around the accident scene with absolutely no injuries to report.

One city service abusing another...city service on city service crime...
17:16 Responded to a Metro Bus incident on the side of a road. A 55 y/o WF was exiting the bus on her scooter, she turned too sharp at the bottom of the ramp, and she toppled over. She said she wasn't hurt, and she didn't want or need an ambulance. I asked her if she told the bus driver that she didn't want an ambulance, and she said "yes." The bus driver responded by saying that, even though the lady didn't want an ambulance, she had to call one anyway...company policy.

She wanted to take her free health care business elsewhere...
17:51 Responded to a 22 y/o HF, CO severe bleed from the vagina. Pt. was 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, and she had started spotting two days prior. She went to the hospital on the first and second days of the bleed (today would be the third hospital visit in 3 days). She complained that the hospital didn't hardly do anything to help her (of course she did not have insurance or a doctor...she was asking for free health care). We found her in a car, in a parking lot, about 2 miles from her house. Her friend was driving her to the hospital, but not to the same hospital to which she had gone for the past two days, because she didn't like the FREE care she was getting. She was going to the county hospital, downtown, which was about 10 miles away. On the way to the county hospital, she passed right by the other hospital. They stopped at the shop where her husband works and decided to call an ambulance to get her the rest of the way to the hospital, since she was bleeding so badly. We arrived and transported her, without treatment (there's nothing we can do for this problem), to the hospital which had already seen her (twice) for this same problem...the hospital she drove passed. It was less than one mile away. She was not very pleased, saying "I don't like this hospital; they don't ever do anything to help me." Again, she does not have insurance or a doctor; she was complaining about the free care that a private hospital was giving her.

Bug hunting incident...
20:49 Responded to the home of a 30 y/o AF, CO a bleed on her head. She was standing on the sink, trying to catch a bug, and she fell to the ground and hit her head. The bleeding had stopped when we arrived, and she said she felt OK. She decided that she would have her boyfriend come and drive her to the hospital.

To Have Fibromyalgia or Not To Have Fibromyalgia...

There's an interesting little debate going on between a few medical professionals and a few patients in this mad, mad world of blogs. The debate is over Fibromyalgia, and whether or not it's a real disease; but more than anything, the debate is over drug-seekers and patients concocting diseases to get the drugs they want from the benevolent totalitarian government. The debate is between BusyMom345, on her Fibromyalgia Support blog and medical professionals like MonkeyGirl and Ambulance Driver. Here's my response to the debate...

None of this would be a problem if drugs were deregulated & decriminalized, like in most other (UNFREE) countries. You wouldn't have to go to the doctor and make up a bunch of crap about how much it hurts. You could walk into a pharmacy, like a free person should be able to do, and buy whatever you feel like buying for whatever condition you think you might have.

The problem here is not fibromyalgia and whether or not it's fake, nor is the problem Monkey Girl or Ambulance Driver saying that fibromyalgia is BS. The problem is government regulation which, by depriving people of their freedoms (the very thing our benevolent totalitarian government was NEVER supposed to do), causes "free" people to start sneaking around the government (acting unfree). It also causes nurses and doctors to start acting like the Gestapo, trying to detect whether or not someone is lying about their condition and deciding whether or not that patient can have their precious drugs. Why would "free" patients lie about their condition, and why would "free" nurses feel like they had to police them? We ain't free.

Decriminalized & deregulate drugs, and let Natural Selection sort people out. What's more benevolent than allowing people to freely decide what they want to put in their own bodies, even if the all-knowing tyrannical majority DOES think it's detrimental?

Musings of a Highly Trained Monkey: Anonymous internet angst

I like reading this chick's blog about working as a nurse in the ER. She's definitely got all the great qualities I admire in an medical professional...crusty, jaded, cynical, angry, realistic, opinionated...

Musings of a Highly Trained Monkey: Anonymous internet angst

Pablo Escobar's Got Nothing on This Drug Dealer...The Government

It was generally a pretty typical day for a crusty ambulance driver (Tuesday, May 13, 2008). We passed out a few band-aids, transported a few people for no apparent reason, saved a lady, killed a guy...blah blah blah. But there were two runs that really stood out, and they had a surprisingly similar theme.

Addicted to the anti-addiction, highly addictive drug...
One guy was a 48 y/o WM who was CO breathing problems. He had gone earlier that morning to the clinic (crack house) to get his Methadone pills (a drug which is similar to heroine to help people break their addiction to heroine...because heroine is illegal, but Methadone isn't). He's been getting Methadone treatments to break his addiction to heroine FOR THE PAST 25 YEARS!!! While he was at the clinic to score his government-funded Methadone prescription, in the care of government-funded doctor (drug dealer), he complained of breathing problems, which typically get worse when he takes Methadone. The drug dealer told him to go ahead and head home, and when it got worse, he should just call 911. Anything is believable in this business, but that was hard to believe. Imagine a doctor telling someone to plan on just waiting until his condition became life threatening (which is the only reason to call 911, right?) and then call 911. It turns out the guy had an oxygen saturation level of below 50% (anything below 90% is bad).

I need more meds...I took all the ones I had at one time...
The other guy was a 59 y/o WM hobo who was found lying on the ground next to his "homeless & hungry, anything will help, god bless" sign. Apparently he had been collecting money at his usual intersection all day, he earned enough money to buy some alcohol, so he OD'd on the rest of his government-supplied Haldol and Prozac pills and washed it down with some alcohol. This is the third time my partner picked up this hobo within the past couple of months. The pattern seems to be that he OD's on his pills, calls 911, tells us he wants to commit suicide, takes a government-funded ride to the government-funded crack house (the hospital), and uses his Medicaid to get more dope (Haldol and Prozac) from his drug dealer (the doctor, funded and sanctioned by the government).

It's no wonder the government has waged a war against drugs. The government is the biggest drug dealer of them all. Non-government drug dealers are cutting into the government's drug dealing profits and threatening to break up their monopoly. They do what any mob of criminals would do...destroy the competition.

Really, what's the difference between "legal" and "illegal" drug dealing & drug use? As far as I can tell, the only difference is that the "legal" version is funded by money which is stolen from people at the point of a gun by a gang of thugs (the IRS), and it's protected by fascist, tyrannical laws that keep competitors from breaking up their monopoly; while the "illegal" version is funded by individuals who voluntarily choose to buy and sell their drugs, in a free, non-coercive market.

Next Verse, Same As The First...

Four More Drivers Fell for the Oldest Trap in the Book...
7:00 Responded to a 4-car accident on I-10. This accident happened at almost the EXACT same spot an accident happens nearly every day. It's a spot where traffic starts to slow down for an interchange, and it's just on the other side of a hill, so the drivers can't see what's on the other side of the hill until they get there (at 65-70 MPH). Today, a 30 y/o BM was driving an 80-something broken-down Cadillac, he got a flat tire, kept driving on the flat tire (on the freeway), passing an exit, until the tire came off the rim, and stopped in the right lane of the freeway (there was no shoulder). An unsuspecting motorist came over the hill and fell into the trap (got another one!). A 65 y/o white couple ran into the back of the Cadillac at about 45-50 MPH in an SUV. Another car ran into the back of the SUV, and a firefighter, driving a Hummer, got side-swiped in the next lane by someone. The driver of the Cadillac was changing the tire at the time and somehow cheated death, but his mother was in the front seat, and she was in pain...."Real bad"....where?...."all over...I cayn't feel ma legs." My partner poked her legs with a pen to test her claim of paralysis. She jumped and exclaimed "owwwwa." We transporter her and the 65 y/o WF from the SUV who had pain in her neck, a contusion on the back of her head, and high BP.

I Got Intestines in My Scrotum
11:25 Responded to a half-way house for a 55 y/o WM, CO pain in his testicles. He has had a hernia for the past 5 years, and his intestines descend into his scrotum. Normally, he just pushes his intestines back up, out of his scrotum, with his finger. Well last night, at around 12:00 a.m., too much intestine descended into his scrotum, and his scrotum was swollen to about 5 times its normal size. We transported him to the county hospital, so taxpayers could pay for his hernia, in addition to his housing and the rest of his existence.

(GWI) Garage-Saling While Intoxicated
12:39 Responded to a garage sale for a 56 y/o WF. The owners of the garage sale report that this woman was at their house for 3 hours, and she was stumbling around and acting crazy. AFTER THEY LET HER BUY A BUNCH OF STUFF AND LOAD IT INTO HER CAR, they called the police and ambulance because they thought she was intoxicated. She told us she was o.k., but she had taken a new prescription med that morning and it made her feel weird. We found out she had a blood glucose level of 45. We gave her some glucose, and she was fine. We left her at her house, after a friend came and drove her home. What happened to the days when a neighbor would help you by giving you some food or driving you home, rather than selling you a bunch of crap, then calling the cops on you?

Help...My Neighbor is Sleeping
14:53 Responded to a city sidewalk for a 51 y/o WF laying on the sidewalk, sleeping due to heavy intoxication. A concerned neighbor drove by, saw her, and did the most charitable thing a neighbor does these days...called 911. We showed up, professionally woke her up, she got up, and walked home. She didn't want our professional help. I wonder if the neighbor could have just woken her up and drove her home....Nah...why, when you got 911?

Another Friend...Doing the Nicest Thing a Friend Can Do...Calling Him an Ambulance
16:06 Responded to the home of a 61 y/o WM, CO abdominal pain. Pt. says he's passing a kidney stone, which he did 2 weeks ago...exact same problem. I told him I would be glad to give him a ride to the hospital in the ambulance, but I didn't have anything to give him that might help...just a ride. He thought that made sense and asked his friend to give him a ride to the hospital (the one who did the charitable thing and called 911 for him). She said, "why don't you just go in the ambulance...you can lay down, and it's quick and easy." He said, "actually, it hurts to lay down; I'd rather sit." She said, "well, if you go by ambulance, they'll get you in quicker." I said, "no, actually they triage you the same, and you could still go to the waiting room, depending on how bad your condition is compared to the other people in the waiting room." He asked his friend "will you just take me?" She said, "(sighhhhh)....yeees."

Can I Have a Cigarette?...No...SMACK!
17:24 Responded to a restaurant parking lot for a 20 y/o HM employee of the restaurant. He says he was getting out of his car, and a HM hobo came by asking for a cigarette. He said he didn't have any, and the HM hobo smacked him, driving his glasses into his cheek and cutting his cheek. He had a small, 1/2 inch laceration on his cheek, which had stopped bleeding when we got there. We told him he might need a couple stitches, but we didn't have any stitches. We told him we could professionally give him a ride in the back of the ambulance for his small, non-bleeding cut. He decided he didn't need our professional assistance.

Damnit, I'm Still Alive...
20:26 Responded to a senior assisted-living home for a 60 y/o HM male, laying on the floor of his apartment in a pile of trash, hundreds of prescription pills, urine, and dollar bills. It looked more like a scene from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas than an old-folks home. He had self-inflicted cuts all over his arms and legs, and he had a blood glucose level of 12. We took him to the hospital and gave him glucose enroute. He was conscious when we got to the hospital, awaking to the realization that, damnit, he was still alive.

Jer-ry...Jer-ry...Jer-ry...Jer-ry...
1:01 Responded to the apartment complex of a 32 y/o WM, who was punched by his neighbor, because he went to his neighbor's door to ask him why he threw a lighter through his window. The guy that threw the lighter through the patient's window felt threatened when he came to ask him why he did it, so he took a swing at him, which reportedly knocked him to the ground. When we got there, they were still arguing...it looked like a Jerry Springer show. The guy had a little bit of pain (no bleeding) in his lip. He decided he did not need the professional, government funded assistance of a crusty ambulance driver to attend to his painful lip (any more than I already had by being called by him to come look at his painful lip).

Another Sleeping Guy
1:53 Responded to an intersection, where there was reported to be an unconscious BM at a stoplight, behind the wheel of his van, as reported by Tara, a concerned citizen who was driving by. When we arrived, there was no BM, van, or Tara. Of course Tara had left the scene. She was concerned enough to call 911 but not concerned enough to stick around. The BM, unconscious, driver of a van had apparently gotten conscious enough to drive away.

Two Patient Pile Up

A day on the ambulance usually consists of headache, stomach ache, car accident (called in by a bystander driving by at 60 MPH...not knowing if anyone NEEDS an ambulance or the actual location), police department abuse of the ambulance, flu, drunk person, and stupid person. But the other day, I had a slightly more interesting call...

We responded to an Opera House on Height Blvd. to find TWO 70+ year white females lying on the floor, approximately 6 feet from each other, with completely different problems. Patient #1 was walking backstage, passed out, due to chronic heart problems, and fell on the floor. Patient #2 came walking along, didn't see Patient #1 (passed out) on the floor, tripped over Patient #1, fell and broke her hip. I guess it's a good thing Patient #2 (broken hip) didn't pass out also, otherwise more old people would have come along and tripped over HER (not knowing she was there), and this could have been an endless pile up of old people. I've seen a lot of things in the fire dept., but I had never seen a two patient, pedestrian pile-up. Both patients had to be transported by ambulance to the hospital.

Seems Like a Good Day to Call 911 for No Reason...

No Fire
7:11 Got called to a fire, but we were disregarded before arriving. There was no fire.

One Accident, Three Locations
7:46 Got called to a car accident, located about 10 miles away. We got disregarded by other units which had already arrived. The person who called 911 was driving by, so by the time they gave the location, they were several thousand feet down the road, and they just gave that location. Other people called 911 with varying locations depending on where they were when they got through to the 911 ambulance dispatcher. There were a total of about 3 ambulances and 3 fire trucks, dispatched to three different locations.

Sick For Past 3 Days With a Cough
8:42 Responded to the apartment (carpet was pulled up, beer cans and trash were all over the floor) of a 48 y/o WM CO feeling sick for the past 3 days. He had a cough and accompanying chest pain. This patient walked to the stretcher and was transported to the County Disease Collection & DISTRIBUTION Center (the county hospital), where he was treated for having the flu.

Cut Off End of Pinky
10:25 Responded to a day care facility for a 3 y/o HF who had slammed her finger in the door and cut off about 1/8 inch of her pinky...lots of blood. The portion that was cut off was still dangling off her finger by a piece of skin. We arrived just before her mom and dad arrived, and they snatched her up and took off before we could really assess her (uncommon but commendable move by the parents).

House-Call Doctor Request
11:44 Responded to the apartment of a 51 y/o X-Large BF CO slight back pain. She thought she might be having a heart attack. She said she called Ask-a-Nurse, and they told her to call 911 (as they always advise...apparently). She called us because she was hoping we would come out and take a look at her (like a house-call doctor) and let her know if she was ok. When we splained to her that we were not house-call doctors, and that we didn't really know what was wrong with her, she decided that didn't really want to go to the hospital, unless she really had to go...she just wanted us to come out to let her know if she needed to go to the hospital on an ambulance or not. She said someone could take her later, if she felt like she needed to go later. Pt. decided to stay at home. (What happened to calling 911 only when you really need to go to hospital, and you absolutely NEED an ambulance to get there?...life threatening emergencies and stuff?)

Hook in the Arm
13:49 Responded to the home of 69 y/o HF who had slipped and caught her arm on a plant hook. The hook penetrated her arm and exited 2-3" away on the same side. She lost a very small amount of blood. We bandaged her and asked her if she wanted to go with us or with her son, who was planning on following the ambulance. I told her she would not get seen quicker if she arrived by ambulance and that it would be the same as if she went in her son's car. She said, "well...if eet's the same, I'll jeest go in the amblance." She walked past the car, crawled up into to the ambulance, and we transported her to the hospital (without lights and sirens) and her son followed very closely behind us.

Gubment Funded Support Group to the Rescue
15:20 Responded to a gubment-funded support group facility (these facilities get gubment assisted people...old people, handicap people, and any other type of gubment leach that's unemployed...and they offer these group support sessions where these people just hang-out in these groups all day, with a "Counselor" as a form of therapy...and the gubment grants money to these facilities for this therapy). We responded to a 70 y/o BF CO chest pain for 3 days. The support group came to her house to pick her up (with the chest pain), brought her to the facility (likely passing a few hospitals on the way), and called us after she was there for a while. Paramedics found no signs of heart problem. Pt. was transported to the hospital for general sickness.

House Fire.... ..... ..... ..... .....NOT!
18:57 Got called to a house fire. It turns out the people called 911 for a house fire because they had an outlet that shorted out. They received about 12 Fire Department apparatus from a 3-4 mile radius for their shorted-out outlet.

I Think My Blood Sugar is Probably Low
20:36 Responded to the home of a 55 y/o HF CO low blood sugar. She was taking a new type of insulin, and she was worried her blood sugar was too low. As a result of her worry, she also started hyperventilating. Her blood sugar was normal, we got her to breathe normally, and she decided not to go to the hospital on the ambulance.

1 Homeless Guy, 2 Ambulances
21:35 Responded to a homeless person on the street reported to be sick, but we got disregarded by another ambulance who also responded to the same homeless person a block away (another situation of multiple, moving 911 callers giving the wrong location).

300Z vs. Traffic Light
22:59 Responded to a car accident in which an approx. 35 y/o WF, driving a white 300Z mowed down a traffic signal. The 300Z was totaled. I asked her if she needed an ambulance. She said, "I suppose I have to answer a bunch of questions now." I said, "No, just one question...Do you need an ambulance?" She said "No...I don't hurt anywhere." I believed her, and we took off. She appeared to be disappointed in the fact that I didn't ask her a bunch of questions about how it happened and whether or not she was sure she was OK.

High Blood Sugar
2:22 Responded to the home of a 50 y/o HF CO high blood sugar and psych problems. I responded to this same home for the same problems one and 1/2 weeks ago. This time she was trying to strangle another occupant of the house. She walked outside to the ambulance, and we transported her to the county hospital again, with no treatment again (we can't give a person anything for high blood sugar), and her son followed closely behind us again.

Another Day, Another Taxpayer Wasted Dollar

I Want to Go Only if the Wait is Short Enough at the Hospital
6:33 Responded to the apartment of an 18 YO HF CO a stomach ache for the past week. I asked if she lived alone in her apartment, at which time, her husband, who was snug in his bed, rolled over in his bed so I could see him around the corner and said, "No, I'm here." Then he rolled back over, out of sight. The patient wanted us to call all the local hospitals and find out what the wait time would be, because she wanted to go to the one with the shortest wait and didn't want to go to the hospital if she had to wait a long time. We told her that was not in our scope of practice to check hospital wait time. She still thought she needed the ambulance to get to the hospital so she walked down the stairs and out to the ambulance in the parking lot (near her husband's car), and we drove her to the hospital where she was put in the waiting room.

Possibly a Real Heart Attack...Good Thing We Had a Medical Professional on Location
8:15 Responded to the same apartment complex as the last run for a 42 YO WF, sitting on the steps of the apartment complex CO potential heart attack. Pt. had pain in her left, posterior, subclavicular area, which radiated to her left arm. She had the pain for one day, and it was getting worse. It's the same pain she had two years ago when she had a heart attack (finally a legitimate complaint). The best part of this run was when we walked up to the lady, who was accompanied by an apartment maintenance man, and the apartment maintenance man started calling the shots..."I tink chew shud geev her sumdat air"...to which I replied, "good idea, what else should we do"..."I tink chew shud do her blad praysure"..."good idea, we're already doing that, what else do you think we should do"..."I tink chew shud tek her to dee hospeedal." So, we took her to the hospital, as we were directed.

Police Wanted Us to "Check Everyone Out"
14:05 We were called to a Lowe's parking lot by a police officer, the relocation site of a car accident which occurred approximately 3/4 mile away. The police officer wanted us to "check everyone out." I explained that we're not doctors, and we can't really check people out and tell them they're ok or not ok; the only "checking" we can do is asking the questions...Do you feel like you need to go to the hospital?...and...Do you need the ambulance to get there?...questions which HE could have asked. As it turns out, nobody wanted our services.

Ran into Telephone Pole to Avoid Crazy, Irresponsible Stopped Person in Front of Her
14:32 After leaving the previous incident, we saw another car accident, which occurred before we arrived at the previous incident (we saw it on the way to the previous incident; it occurred before 14:05). We decided to stop off at the car accident and see if anyone needed our services. The answer was a resounding "No," but I did get to hear a bystander explain to me that someone just slammed on the brakes in front of her, she couldn't stop in time, so she hit a telephone pole, and then the person responsible for her hitting the pole (the person who applied his brakes in front of her) just took off. So...when we got about a mile away from the accident, we were dispatched back to the accident. Apparently, someone who was driving by decided that they needed an ambulance. We returned to the scene, and they still did not need our services.

Drove Her Car Home So She Could Call 911
17:07 Responded to the home of a 45 YO HF, who had just arrived from work in her car, CO feeling generally sick. We took her blood pressure, checked her pulse, checked breath sounds, and checked blood sugar; but we didn't find anything (imagine that). We explained to her that we did not know if she was ok or not ok (we're not doctors, and we don't know much), and we don't have any medicines to give her for this, but we would be glad to drive her to the hospital in the luxury of a beat-up, germ-infested ambulance, if she wanted (I didn't actually tell her it was beat-up and germ-infested...I'd just figure everyone would already know that). She wisely decided she didn't need our services.

30 Minute Wait for 2 Minute Ride
18:49 Responded to the home of an 85 YO HF CO a COPD flare-up (emphysema). She's on O2 at home, and she has a portable O2 machine. She felt like she was having more trouble breathing than usual. My partner says he just picked her up the other day for the same reason. They lived 1/2 mile from the hospital, but they decided to call 911, wait 10 for us to arrive and wait 15-20 minutes for us to assess her, so she could walk out to the ambulance, and we could drive her 1/2 mile away (2 minute drive), while her sons followed us in their car.

Scared to Be Alone, and a Little Gastric Reflux
20:11 Responded to the Senior Citizens' apartment home of a 76 YO WF CO a little abdominal pain and difficulty breathing. It turns out she has gastric reflux, and she often has abdominal pain, and her breathing difficulty was related to the pain from the gastric reflux (more psychological than physiological). The paramedics were on scene, and they ran an EKG and checked everything they could check. Everything seemed ok, but we don't really know, because we're not doctors. The patient had just moved in to her apartment two nights prior. She was scared last night and had her son stay with her. Tonight she was scared again, her son couldn't come, so she called a friend in the building, complained of breathing problems, and the friend called 911 for her. The Pt. did not want to go to the hospital because she did not like needles. The paramedics talked her into going, even though she didn't want to go (it took 15 minutes to talk her into going), and then they took off and left her with us. On the way, she explained to me that she's not scared to die, which begs the question...

21:30 to 6:30 the next Morning...Good news for me; bad news for you, the taxpayer, who is forced by tyrannical, non-consensual government force, at the point of a gun, to pay for the 911 ambulance service...I got to sleep from 21:30 until 6:30 the next morning while being paid about $21 an hour (including extra pay for speaking spanish to people who want government services but can't speak english).

...Crusty's Back!

911 Ambulance...The First Resort For Flu
7:24 Responded to the assisted care apartment of a 93 Y/O WF, CO breathing problems since earlier this morning, as reported by the nursing home nurse assistants. This pt. had 100% O2 saturation, no chest pain, no apparent heart disrythmia (on an EKG); she has multiple medical problems, takes multiple medications, and she probably has a touch of the flu, like everybody else in this city. Imagine if all the nursing homes called a 911 ambulance every time someone had the flu.

Possessed By Seizure Demons, And What Not.
8:45 Responded to the home of a 27 Y/O 350+ lbs. BM, CO seizures. His roommate/whatever? (also large...about 275 lbs.) called 911 when he thought his buddy/whatever? was having seizures. By the time we had arrived, the Pt. had stopped having seizures, got up, and walked to the bathroom. He didn't want to begin his emergency 911 assessment until he was done going to the bathroom. Pt. was groggy/apparently post-ictal, but he didn't want to go to the hospital, in spite of a valiant award-winning effort by a paramedic to sale the guy on taking an ambulance ride.

Most importantly, after being in the apartment for a few minutes, I began to be barraged with clues to figure out the patient's sexual orientation (a sexual orientation investigation is always a top priority). I noticed there was a Jerry Springer show on T.V., paused on a scene where a guy was claiming to be possessed by gay demons. Also, there was a Collector's Edition copy of Brokeback Mountain on the T.V. stand, and there was a free, circular newspaper on the table, opened to a page with ads for a gay club and gay services. The results aren't back from the lab yet, but I think this chubby black guy is gay...just an interesting fun fact.

Not a Seizure, But Close Enough to Want an Ambulance
10:19 Responded to a party-store warehouse, which is the workplace of a 34 Y/O BF CO seizure-like activity. She thought she was about to have a seizure, because she had not been taking her seizure meds, so she lowered herself to the ground to perform her seizure-like activity. Pt. never lost consciousness, and her hands and arms were still shaking when we arrived at the hospital (possibly anxiety or an act, but not a seizure). Pt. was taken to the hospital with a bad case of the wiggles.

Generally Old Lady
14:46 Responded to the home of a 84 Y/O BF. Her neighbor/niece called us because the patient was talking to her through the door, but she didn't want to open the door. She wanted us to break in and figure out why she wasn't answering the door. My partner entered through the kitchen window (which was not locked) and found the woman on the floor of the living room, among junk everywhere, without any trails. Pt. did not have any complaints; she says she's fine. She was transported to the hospital for being generally old and sick. I just wonder what the niece of this lady (and the 5-8 neighbors, friends and family who were also gathered in front of the house) would have done if there was no such thing as an ambulance...I wonder if she would have been able to crawl through the window, pick up all 90 lbs. of this old woman and take her somewhere to get help...like back to her own house, for example.

Ill
16:59 Responded to the apartment of an 80 Y/O WM, CO lightheadedness and vomiting. Pt. probably had the flu. Pt. was transported to the VA hospital, and his daughter followed us in her vehicle.

High Blood Sugar and a Fever of 97.0
23:19 Responded to the home of a 49 Y/O HF, CO being generally sick and weak, but mostly CO of having a fever. Her family says she's normally weak and incoherent. Pt. could walk, but she wanted to go to the hospital in an ambulance. Her son followed us in his car. We found out she also had extremely high blood sugar (which we don't carry medicine to fix) and a fever of 97 degrees (not a fever).

The Loser Empire Strikes Back

Avoiding Lawsuits
6:08 Responded to a Pathfinder, turned on its side (did not roll over completely), on the freeway, in which two, 20 y/o HF's were "driving home," with heavy alcohol on their breath, after picking up the driver's two children...one 14 month old female, and one 26 month old male. Neither child was crying, both children were in a car seat, there were no complaints of pain, and the mother did NOT want them to go to the hospital on an ambulance. I called a supervisor, and he said I needed to do a full assessment and report write-up on each one of the children, including calling a doctor and receiving permission to not transport. The assessment, write-up, and phone call took about an hour and 15 minutes to complete...all because the fire department is scared of any potential liability, which is 98% of our job on the ambulance...avoiding lawsuits. With socialism comes no individual responsibility.

Parked While Intoxicated
7:45 Responded to a parked vehicle for a 50 y/o WF who was reported to be unconscious by a passerby. Pt. was found to be sleeping and intoxicated. Pt. did not want an ambulance. The police arrived and began to arrest her for DUI.

Called 911 for a Ride to a BETTER Hospital for a Diagnosis
11:21 Responded to the home of a 3 y/o HM, whose mother says (in spanish only), "El tiene la viruela" (he has chicken pox). The boy apparently had a very mild case of chicken pox with no fever. I asked her what she was hoping we would be able to do for her, and she said she just needed a ride to the hospital. I asked her why she didn't just take him to the county-funded clinic, which was less than 5 blocks away. She said because the boy had Medicaid, and Medicaid would pay for her to ride on the ambulance to a better, more expensive hospital 5-6 miles away. The hospital asked her why she was there, and she told them she was just hoping to confirm that he had chicken pox (not for treatment or medicine). She called an ambulance to go to a hospital across town in order to confirm what she already knew.

Save a Girl from Paralyzation With Spinal Immobilization
12:35 Responded to an intersection where two cars had crashed. Both drivers said they were fine, and they didn't need an ambulance. Then, after we finished our record, transferred it, and we were getting in the ambulance to drive away, a police officer went over the vehicle of a 28 y/o HF and talked her into going to the hospital on the ambulance for neck pain. She had been walking around for over 30 minutes, at that point. So...we did the only thing we can do for somebody with neck pain; we taped her down to a backboard and put a C-collar on her so that she wouldn't paralyze herself by moving her neck, which she had been doing for the past 30 minutes. When we got to the hospital, they immediately took the C-collar off of her, took her off the backboard, and told her she would probably be a little sore for the next couple of days.

Put a Woman Back in Bed...Son Couldn't Help Because Judge Judy Was On TV
14:36 Responded to the government-funded apartment project of a 60 y/o BF CO having slipped and fell. She says she did not want to go to the hospital. She says she had no pain, other than the pain she's had for the past 2 months. She says her son called 911 for her, but she didn't want him to call. We helped her get back into bed while the son watched Judge Judy on TV.

Gas Leak at Salvation Army
15:46 Responded to the Salvation Army for a gas leak outside. They didn't know exactly where the gas leak was, but they reported that they smelled something, and it was a problem because the people in the Salvation Army were scared to go outside. The ambulance was disregarded.

Called 911 to Do the Right Thing
18:47 Responded to the home of a 5 y/o HM CO chest pain due to chronic breathing problems and infection. The grandmother told us he had been having this problem for the past two days, and she called us because she just wanted to do the right thing. I told her that next time, the right thing to do would be to drive him to see his doctor, in their car, when he first starts having a problem. We transported him to the hospital, and the family came later in their car.

Bloody Tooth
19:57 Responded to a government-funded apartment project of a 54 y/o HM (2nd time I've transported him) for a bleeding tooth, which he had extracted earlier that morning at the county hospital. He called us because he wanted to go back to the county hospital, and he said that it takes about two hours to take the bus, so he just called 911.

Mosquito Bites & Self-Defecation
20:53 Responded to a downtown street for a 59 y/o BF CO mosquito bites and breathing problems. We quickly determined she was breathing just fine, so the remaining complaint was the mosquito bites. She had just left the hospital this morning, where she goes just about everyday. Pt. said she didn't want to go back to the same hospital because they didn't do anything for her (imagine that). Pt. is in a wheelchair, where she has been urinating and defecating all day, because she has no control over her bowels. Pt. was transported to the hospital, where she was put in the waiting room. I told the Pt. she needs to be in a care facility. She told me she WAS in a care facility, but she left because they were just trying to take her money, so now she lives on the streets (err...at the various hospitals). Then she told me to mind my own business....which I thought was taking care of government-program-abusing people.

Drunk Guy
22:31 We were called by the police department to "Check out" a man who was obviously very intoxicated. Police will do just about anything to avoid transporting a drunk guy. Pt. was found to have a normal BP and normal blood sugar, and the police officer was left with no choice but to take him to jail.

My Eye Hurts
2:35 Responded to a pay phone at a gas station for a 25 y/o BM CO pain in his left eye and shoulder. He said he has had the pain for two days, but his girlfriend doesn't want to take him to the hospital. Pt. was walked into the hospital, where he was escorted to the waiting room.

Does anybody else get the sneaking suspicion that 911 ambulances are a complete waste of taxpayers' money? Please comment.

For less than pennies a day, you can help put an end to this senseless abuse of crusty ambulance drivers and social services everywhere. Check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul 2008.

Mundane, Then...Near Tragic Day...

From 'Cardiac Arrest' to "Kinda Sick"
8:33 Got called to a Metro bus for a cardiac arrest, CPR in progress. I thought, "this has got to be the real deal, because how could a bunch of Metro Bus riders confuse a 'cardiac arrest' for anything but a 'cardiac arrest'?" Sho-nuf, it was a 27 y/o BF, 8 weeks pregnant who felt "kinda sick" and felt like she was almost going to "fall-out." She said she felt sick all morning, but would go ahead and try to go to work. Pt. vitals were normal, and she walked off the bus, got on the stretcher, and we took her to the hospital.

Potential Future Neck Pain
10:35 Responded to a car accident between a meat truck and Ford Pick-up. There were no patients or complaints. The police called us to "check everyone out." While we were there, the driver of the Ford said his neck didn't hurt right now, but it might hurt later, and he said, "I don't know if I need an ambulance for the paperwork and all." Pt. ultimately decided not to go to the hospital on an ambulance for his potential future neck pain.

Went on an Ambulance Yesterday, But Wanted to Go to a Different Hospital Today
11:03 Responded to the home of a 62 y/o HF (second time I've transported this woman) CO general weakness and diarrhea. She said she went to the county hospital yesterday on an ambulance (on a different ambulance), but she was not satisfied with the treatment, so she wanted to go to a different hospital today, on an ambulance. She said her daughter couldn't take her in her car because she had to go to work.

Sister Called Him an Ambulance So She Could Come Take Stuff Out of the House
12:15 Responded to the home of a 47 y/o BM CO right side pain for the past couple of weeks; it did not get worse today. Pt. had a stroke a couple of years ago, and he had some right-side deficiencies. Pt. says he did not want to go to the hospital. He said his sister called an ambulance for him because she wanted to come over to the house and take stuff out of his house. He said she's done that a few times before. Pt. started to get up from the stretcher, because he didn't want to go with us, but the paramedics talked him into going. Pt. was ultimately transported to the hospital where he was left in the waiting room.

Really Dislocated Knee
13:52 Responded to a high-rise downtown, to a 22 y/o HM who fell while working and twisted his knee...obvious dislocation, in a bad way (see picture below). Pt. actually wanted to go with one of his co-workers to the hospital, but the pain was so bad, he couldn't move without a stretcher. I think this guy may have actually needed an ambulance (you won't hear me say THAT too often).

Hit and Run...and Run
14:49 Called to a downtown intersection, by a police officer, for an auto-pedestrian accident, hit-and-run. By the time we arrived, the police officer said the victim walked away saying, "I don't need no amblance." Needless to say, we did not go searching for our potential patient.

Waited Until Dialysis Was Over, Then Called 911
15:47 Responded to a dialysis clinic for a 62 y/o BF CO back pain for the past several days. She says she felt this way this morning, before she used a Medicaid-funded transport service to get to dialysis, but she wanted to go to dialysis before she went to the hospital for her back pain. While we were at the dialysis clinic, a dialysis attendant told us to hurry up and put her on the stretcher and get her out of here, or move your stretcher, in case we need to put more patients in here (ahh...the respect for an emergency 911 ambulance service). The Pt. waited until her dialysis was over (it started at 9:00 a.m.), THEN she called 911. Pt. was transported to the county hospital.

[Isn't it funny how most people, including myself, grew up MISTAKENLY thinking that an emergency 911 ambulance is ONLY for severe, life-threatening conditions, which require IMMEDIATE attention.....conditions for which if you don't call an emergency ambulance, as a last resort, you would not otherwise be able to make it to the hospital, because your condition would get devastatingly worse, or you'd die on the way.

I wish I would have known at a younger age that an ambulance is more for CONVENIENCE than EMERGENCY.....for when people need to see a doctor, the hospital IS their doctor, and they would just rather not PAY for a taxi cab or bus, or bother a friend or relative to take them in their car. I mean, how do these people get HOME from the hospital??? I guarantee they're only slightly better, if at all, when they leave a few hours later, than when they came in.

Remember, 90+% of these calls cost YOU, the taxpayer, around $500-$1,000 per call; and that's just the ambulance ride, which is cheap in comparison to the costs of the hospital visit, which YOU also pay. These people either don't pay, or they use Medicare or Medicaid; either way, YOU'RE stuck with the bill.]

Chronic Headache
19:26 Responded to the apartment fo a 51 y/o HF CO headache for the past 3 days. She says she gets chronic headaches, and she has chronic high blood pressure. She says she called "her doctor" (the guy who answered the phone at the free, county clinic), and he told her to call 911 and go to the county hospital. In fact, he told her to call 911 EVERYTIME she thinks her blood pressure might be elevated. We took her to the county hospital, and dropped her off in the waiting room. The nurse told her the wait would be 12-24 hours. When the patient found out she would be waiting that long, she asked me if we could put her back on the stretcher, back in the ambulance, and take her to the other county hospital. I told her "No," and she asked her husband if he thought they should call a family member to come pick them up. Ah...isn't socialized health care effective and efficient!

Just Clean Up His Face a Little
21:04 A Police Officer called us to the location of a 70+ y/o HM who was very intoxicated, and he had fallen and cut his face. The Pt. was carrying a gas can, and he was looking for his van. Pt. did not want an ambulance. The Police Officer said he called us to come clean up his face a little bit so that he could put him in his squad car. The Police Officer said, "You seem like a nice guy, and we don't want to arrest you for P.I." The Police Officer put him in his car and drove him to a gas station to have the Pt.'s son come pick him up (which was nice, I guess...I just know if I needed to be involved).

"We Don't Need No Amblance...We Called for a Fire Truck"
21:22 Called to an apartment fire. We were the first apparatus to arrive, and when we got there, the occupants yelled, "We don't need no amblance; we asked for a fire truck." There was a mattress burning in the downstairs apartment (probably from a cigarette). There was a woman who had recently gotten surgery in the upstairs apartment, who didn't want to leave her apartment. My partner courageous braved the smoky conditions and went upstairs to tell the woman to get out. She happened to be on the phone with 911 (I don't know why...maybe to report a fire), and when my partner yelled at her to get out of her apartment, the 911 dispatcher thought she was being assaulted, and they dispatched a police officer. The fire was extinguished quickly, and we were sent home...just before the police officer arrives to arrest us for assault.

Saw Some Blood in His Urine, 2 Hours Prior
22:20 Responded to the local homeless shelter for a 40 y/o BM CO seeing some blood in his urine, 2 hours prior. Pt. had no pain, normal vitals, he was walking & talking, and he seemed pretty healthy. He was hoping we would tell him what's wrong, and he said he "needed a ride to the county hospital." I told him that we barely know more than Boy Scouts, and we're only really good for life-threatening conditions...for example, CPR, heavy bleeding, car accidents. The Government-funded Case-Worker at the homeless shelter got mad that I told the patient that, and that I was generally irritated with the fact that they called for an ambulance; and he asked for my name and ambulance number so he could report me. We transported the Pt. to the county hospital, and he was left in the waiting room for a 12-24 hour wait. Pt. told us, "I dint ask fo no ambulance; they just calt one fo me."

House Fire Turned Bad...Nearly Deadly
23:49 Responded to a house on fire. We were the first apparatus to arrive, and my partner helped get an old lady out of the house/security fence. We immediately had to treat a 19 y/o WM for cuts on his hands. The old lady was trapped in the house, and the 19 y/o WM broke the window with an object, but cut his hands in the process. After bandaging the guy's hands and telling him to go get stitches (he didn't want to go on an ambulance...nor did he need to), we returned to help with the fire. The fire started out to be rather mild, but it spread into a third story, finished attic. Our station's fire crew went up to the third floor to stop it, conditions got really bad, the crew got really exhausted, and they ended up getting lost. They called for a "Mayday," but they found a window very quickly thereafter. They jumped out the window, onto a 2 1/2' wide section of roof, on the third story. Other fire fighters put up ladders to the third story and climbed up to bring them down. The fire fighters were transported to the hospital and treated for overexertion and heat exhaustion. The captain's pulse was around 180, when he came down from the roof. Very scary incident!

For less than pennies a day, you can help put an end to this senseless abuse of crusty ambulance drivers and social services everywhere. Check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul 2008.

Michael Moore, "Sicko"

Normally this blog is a run-by-run account of my adventures driving an ambulance, and the purpose is to reveal what a waste of government money the ambulance service is. However, Michael Moore recently came out with a movie called "Sicko," and everybody's talking about pharmaceutical companies and socialized health care. Here's my rebuttal...

Socialized Health Care
Is health care considered a basic human right, comparable to the rights to life, liberty, and property? I guess that question is answered by answering the question...Do you have the right to forcibly enslave someone else so that you can have health care? Socialized health care means you would have to use a gun to force someone else to pay for your health care, or you would have to use a gun to force a doctor/nurse to give you their time/knowledge, which they spent a lot of time and money to acquire. Are you willing to take a gun and put it to someone's head so that YOU can regain health which you lost due your own unhealthy decisions or unfortunate circumstances?

People need to realize that when you vote for government programs, you are voting for someone else (the police) to put a gun to your friends'/family's/neighbors' heads and force them to pay for your "compassionate" government program. Is that your definition of compassion? When you vote for force against other people, aren't you essentially doing it yourself? If you hire a hit man to kill your wife, aren't you essentially killing your wife yourself? It has just become so easy and socially acceptable to just vote for someone to do it...you don't have to feel like a monster when someone else is doing all your dirty work.

The big question is...Do you have the basic human right to put a gun to someone else's head for any reason other than protection against someone's attempt to physically harm you or your property? In Michael Moore's ideal world, nobody would have a gun except for the police, and he would be able to vote to have the police use their guns to force people to do whatever he wants, and nobody would have any hope of stopping him/them? It sounds like a typical sinister plan of villian in a superhero movie, doesn't it?

How much health care is enough health care? Aren't all aspects of life tied into your physical health? To ensure good health, wouldn't you have to subsidize EVERY aspect of EVERYONE'S life? Wouldn't anything less than COMPLETE health care be uncompassionate, and really a different degree of what we already have now? Unless we had COMPLETE health care (every aspect of everyone's life was government funded), wouldn't we always just be asking for more? Then...Would you want to pay for someone else's complete health care if they were smoking, drinking, doing drugs, eating a lot of candy, eating a lot of fat/cholesterol, watching too much TV (eyes and ass problems), playing with fireworks, playing dangerous sports, etc.? If we had socialized health care, wouldn't the government have to control every aspect of everyone's life in order to prevent unfair abuse of socialized health care? To do that, wouldn't we have to have a camera in everyone's house, car, work, etc.? Really, wouldn't it be nice to just track everybody with RFID's and satellites? Does that sound good to you? Force, guns, control, enslavement, and people-tracking; does that sound like compassion? When Michael Moore's eyes well up, he talks softly, and solemnly pleads for you to vote for socialized health care; remember, what he's crying for is more force, guns, control, enslavement, and people-tracking.

Pharmaceutical Companies
Why are other countrys' pharmaceuticals so cheap, and ours are so expensive? Some possible reasons...

1. Because we subsidize Canada's pharmaceuticals by paying what they save, since their government controls pharmaceutical prices. If our government controlled pharmaceutical prices in America, who would pay what WE save, or would pharmaceutical companies just go out of business. At that point, the only way to avoid going out of business would be to become government subsidized, and if pharmaceutical companies become subsidized, then we would just be paying higher prices for pharmaceuticals by paying higher taxes in order to subsidize the pharmaceutical companies.

2. Because the FDA has such control over our pharmaceutical companies that it costs them 10x as much to bring a drug to the market (R&D) as it would cost to bring a drug to the market in another country (also a potential reason why we don't have cures for cancer, diabetes, MS, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, MD, etc...high costs of research, caused by the FDA).

3. Because all pharmaceutical companies (like all businesses/corporations in America) have to pay taxes (income, real estate, sales, and who knows what else) and deal with extreme regulations, and the companies have to pass those costs on to the consumer.

4. Because import and excise taxes are expensive, and those costs have to be passed on to the consumer.

5. Because labor laws and labor unions create higher prices for companies, and they have to be passed on to the consumers.

6. Because the government has created strict, expensive laws which regulate pharmacies, and the pharmacies are forced to pass those costs on to the consumer also.

7. Because the DEA, FDA, and War on Drugs are expensive, and Americans also have to pay those costs (mostly in taxes, but that is also part of the cost of pharmaceuticals).

8. Because sales tax is expensive.

9. Because high income taxes, medicare, and social security cause companies to have to pay employees nearly twice as much to work as it would cost if there were no income tax, medicare, and social security.

10. Because inflation, caused by the wonderful Federal Reserve System causes your dollar to be worth less when you go to buy your pharmaceuticals than it was when you took it out of the bank.

11. Because, in order to buy pharmaceuticals in America, you have to go to a doctor and get a prescription, which costs $150+ dollars. The fact that you have to go to a doctor, causes most people to have to get insurance, which you pay for all year long.

So...before we criticize the free market for making the cost of pharmaceuticals so high, and ask for the government to come in and regulate pharmaceutical companies, let's remember that this is not a free market, and the government regulations are at least 90% of the cause of the high cost of pharmaceuticals. How about we just try eliminating some of the expensive regulations and taxes and actually try giving the free market a chance.

Please respond to this blog entry by clicking on "comments" and leaving your comments, along with the other interesting comments. Back to my run-by-run account of picking up government-funded-health-care-abusing leaches on the ambulance...

Loser Patrol...

Traffic Court Blues
6:56 Responded to the city courthouse downtown to a 17 y/o WF CO feeling like she was about to pass out. Pt. was there to fight a traffic ticket for driving with only her running lights on (forgot to pull the knob out all the way). She was overcome with anxiety, unable to sleep the night before, and felt rather exhausted by the time she arrived at the courthouse. Pt. felt O.K. by the time we arrived, and did not want to go with us.

Middle of the Night is 8:17 a.m. for a lot of People
8:17 Responded to an unknown problem at a house. Person gave address and hung up. No Pt. found at location, but we successfully upset everybody at the apartment complex by waking them from a deep slumber (maybe being up that early will cause them to want to go find a job??).

Time to End a 7 Year Old Stomach Pain
8:45 Responded to the home of a 51 y/o HF CO stomach pain for the past 7 years. She said it got a little worse LAST NIGHT. She wanted us to take her to the county hospital because she didn't have any insurance. Pt. walked to the stretcher, and her daughter followed us to the hospital in her car. I think she thought she would be seen quicker, if she came by ambulance.

EMPTY BOX!
9:57 Responded to a public park to a 60+ y/o HM CO not knowing the contents of a 1' x 1' x 6" box, which was sitting on the slide. He wanted us to come open it because, "You never can be too sure these days." He told the dispatcher that there might be somebody inside the box. He no doubt suggested that possibility when the dispatcher said something like, "A box?...you want an ambulance to come out to look in a BOX?!" If everyone in the city called an us everytime they were unsure of the contents of a box, we would be doing nothing but opening boxes all day, everyday. Surprise!!!!...There was no man in the box. It was empty, as pictured below...




"Is AIDS Not Working Fast Enough?"
11:04 Called to the home of an AIDS Pt. with complications. Pt. got tired of waiting and left without us, in somebody else's car (why don't more patients think of that?). A big, fat, Chris Farley- looking Police Officer arrived and asked, "what's the deal...is AIDS not working (killing people) fast enough?"

Popeye's Chicken Wing (Regular Recipe)
11:50 Responded to a car accident in which a 61 y/o WF was eating a Regular Recipe, Popeye's Chicken Wing while driving. She reportedly passed out, ran a red light, and broadsided another car. She said, "The other car was going really fast though...like 40"...as many cars do when they're driving down a three-lane road, with a green light. She said she had pain in her chest from her airbag and seatbelt and wanted to go to the hospital. Her back seat was FILLED with trash, and she took Bipolar meds, which I probably could have guessed by looking at the mess in her back seat. My partner asked her, "Do you have any allergies to any medications?"...answer, "No."...Partner asks, "Are you taking any medications?"...answer, "Yes, but not for my allergies." While enroute to the hospital, the Pt. was overcome by an itch in her right knee, and she asked me to scratch it. Although I was flattered by the request, I declined. On the same incident, my partner asked another person from the other vehicle, "Is your mother speaking normally?"...she responded, "No, she doesn't speak English...only Spanish."

Saving Prescription Meds for an Emergency
13:23 Responded to the home of a 56 y/o HM CO diabetic problem. Pt. had a blood sugar of 450 (normal = 80 to 150). Pt. was walking around, alert and oriented; he just felt a little sluggish, so he decided to do what people do when they feel a little sluggish...CALL 911! Pt. says he was prescribed Glucophage for his diabetes, but he hasn't taken it for weeks because he ran out. However, he did save ONE pill, which he carried in his pocket, for an emergency, which he did not want to take quite yet. This was an emergency enough to call 911 but not enough of an emergency to take the prescribed med which would alleviate his emergency. The Pt. said that he does have a blood sugar monitor, but he says he doesn't like to check his blood sugar because it's always too high or too low. I asked him if he wanted to go with us, or if he would rather go to the hospital with one of his six family members (on scene...all with cars). He said, "ah...I'll just go ahead and go with you guys." Later Grandma complained, "Aren't you going to hook him up to a heart monitor or nothing...whenever I call for an ambulance (obviously a regular source of entertainment for this household), they hook me up to all kinds of machines."

Freak Show's In Town
15:51 Responded to light rail station (4 blocks from hospital) to a 27 y/o, backwoods-looking, black-toothed WF, accompanied by her fat, Quasi-Moto-looking boyfriend, and a hip-hop-dressing goofball, wearing one half of a set of coke-bottle-lense glasses (one eyepiece...the other side broke off). The 27 y/o WF CO back pain, due to a bicycle accident 2 weeks prior. Pt. was walking around all day in the museum/hospital district, decided she couldn't take the pain anymore, so she jumped on a light rail train to downtown, got out, laid on the ground, and called 911 for an ambulance to take her the remaining 4 blocks. She said this particular hospital gave her some pain med 2 days prior, but it's starting to wear off, and she wanted to go back to get some more. She thought if she called 911, she would get in faster. When we got to the hospital, we were confronted by the 1/2 glasses, hip-hop guy, who bragged, "hah...I beat you to the hospital, and I WALKED." Pt. was sent to the hospital waiting room, angry that the 911 trick didn't work.

Drunk, Bleeding, Trespassing, Old Woman
17:24 Responded to a house where a 65 y/o, drunk HF had fallen, hit her head, and opened up a 3 inch laceration on her forehead. She was in the backyard of the house, the owners of the house didn't know her, and they wanted her out of their yard. Pt. says she does not want our help. Pt. was able to tell us who she was, where she was, and what day it was, so we left her alone....bleeding in some guy's backyard. We told him we don't remove trespassers (which was the whole reason he called us); he would have to call the police.

Pistol-Whipped
18:23 Responded to the scene of an official 'pistol-whipping.' 33 y/o HM claims he was minding his own business, and two guys came up with a gun and 'pistol-whipped' him for no reason. Pt. had a small 1/2" laceration on his head, and he said he didn't want an ambulance, just the police.

Pooping Blood for a Week
19:08 Responded to perma-parked van of 48 y/o WM CO pooping blood. Pt. states he has been pooping blood for the past week. Pt. has TB, Hep C, Cirrhosis, and he was heavily intoxicated (ah...the essence of hobo). Pt. had been walking around all day, and he was 300 feet from a metro rail stop, which stops at the county hospital, where he wanted us to take him. Pt. was taken to the county hospital.

Families that Abuse 911 Together, Stay Together
20:24 Responded to the home of a 65 y/o BM CO chest pains since this morning, which increased on inspiration and palpation (not heart related). Son did not want to take him in his truck parked in front of the house; called 911. Pt. taken to the hospital; son stayed home.

False Alarm
23:14 Responded to a Housing Authority-funded apartment complex to an apartment with no occupant (under remodeling construction). No Pt. found.

Beaten by "Punks," "Queers," and "Niggers"
23:47 Responded to a downtown "saloon" to a 78 y/o WM CO having been beaten by "a whole bunch of niggers...(Pt. is yelling in the hospital)...damn niggers...ship em' to Africa or Ethiopia...they ain't got not jobs anyway...damn lazy niggers." The hospital staff put a bandage on his head, which he didn't want because the nurse was a hispanic man, and he walked out the front door while yelling various things about "punks," "queers," and "niggers." We told him we were queers, hoping he would not want to use our services again.

6/19/2007
Swallowing the Evidence
00:54 Responded to the downtown police station for a 48 y/o BM CO having ingested a large quantity of crack cocaine, laying face-down on the street, after being subdued by about 8 cops. Pt. was being arrested, and he swallowed the crack. Pt. was extremely combative. Pt. taken to the county hospital.

Back to the Clink
4:27 Back to the city jail for a 48 y/o WM. The city doctor says he is having Delirium Tremors from alcohol withdrawal, he's "gasping for air," and he has high blood pressure. Pt. was found to be breathing normally, with a slightly elevated BP of 160/110, and he was had a very slight shake. Pt. was walking and talking. Pt. transported to the county hospital for some high-quality socialized health care.

For less than pennies a day, you can help put an end to this senseless abuse of crusty ambulance drivers and social services everywhere. Check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul 2008.

I Think I Really Made a Difference Today...

Convenient Time To Call an Ambulance
6:16 Responded to a gas station, near the Salvation Army for a 36 y/o WM CO chest pain for the past 3 days (has not become worse). Pt. likely had a lung infection; potential Tuberculosis Pt. Pt. got kicked out of Salvation Army at around 5:30, and called us by 6:15, when he had nowhere to go. Pt. transported to the hospital.

County-Funded to City-Funded to County-Funded
8:16 Responded to local county-funded clinic to 48 y/o BF CO chest pain for the past week. Pt. walked into the county clinic to have her foot examined. Pt. mentioned she had chest pain. Pt. was put on an EKG which showed she had a myocardial infarction (could have been old). Clinic freaked out and called 911. Pt. transported to the county-funded hospital, on city-funded ambulance, 'just to be safe.'

Called to Exterminate Pests
10:50 Responded to home of 55 y/o HM who claims he was stung by a bee. Pt. had no signs or symptoms, and he stated he was not allergic to bees. Pt. did not want to go to the hospital. Pt. called 911 because he called the city 311 to ask them to come get rid of the bees; they refused, saying they do not provide pest control, and so he called 911 to see if we would come exterminate the bees.

Arm Was Numb, Friends Encourage Ambulance Ride, Instead of Ride with Them
11:44 Responded to group home of a 72 y/o HF CO right arm feeling a little bit numb while she was riding the exercise bike. Pt. had no signs or symptoms by the time we arrived. She said she called her friends at church, and they came in their car and called 911 for her. Pt. did not want to go on ambulance; she wanted to go to a clinic with her friends, in their car. Pt. was encouraged to go to the hospital on the ambulance, instead of riding in her "friends'" car...imagine that.

Walked Out of Hospital, Upon Arrival at the Hospital
13:23 Responded to parking lot of local university to 55 y/o WM homeless guy who CO chest pain for the past 3 days and a scar on his temple. Pt. calls for an ambulance about once a week, and he has been warned several times to stay off university property. University police were about to arrest him, when he decided he had chest pain and needed an ambulance. Another EMT at the hospital recognized him from having taken him 3 days prior. Pt. stated "I asked for an ambulance because the hospital won't see me otherwise." Pt. was put in the waiting room, got upset that he had to wait, and immediately walked out the front door. When we left, Pt. was seen lying on the sidewalk in front of the hospital, as pictured below.

Then...while we were in the hospital dropping off this fine citizen (above) in the waiting room, another fine citizen was in a room, got tired of waiting, pulled his IV's out of his arm, and walked out the front door of the hospital in his boxer shorts, with EKG pads still stuck to his chest, wandering the downtown streets. These are some classy folks...

Recurring Numbness, But Not Right Now
14:59 Responded to home of 70 y/o BF CO recurring numbness on right side of body all day. Numbness was gone when we arrived; no symptoms since 11 a.m. Pt.'s daughters called 911, then followed us to the hospital in their car. Pt. walked to stretcher.

You May Feel Fine Now, But You Could Die Later
16:35 Responded to a house fire. An 18 y/o HM was trying to fight the fire and save the dog, and he ended up inhaling some smoke. Pt. did not want to go to the hospital, but the paramedics told him he may feel fine now, but his throat could swell up later and render him unable to breathe, leading to likely death. After much salemanship, Pt. agreed to go to the hospital.

Old Chest Pain
18:01 Responded to MLB ball park for a 50 y/o WM CO chest pain for the past two weeks. Chest pain got worse at the ball game, upon drinking beer, and Pt. wanted to go to the VA hospital.

"Check Everyone Out"
19:03 Responded to a car accident. We were called by the police. There were no patients or injuries, nobody wanted an ambulance, but the police just wanted us to "check everyone out."

19:29 Responded to house fire...nothing found.

OD'd on Pills, Then Drove 25 Miles to Hand-Deliver Her Suicide Note to County Jail
20:50 Responded to downtown jail to 44 y/o XXXL WF who drove from 25 miles away, into downtown, and presented a suicide note at the county jail, where she works. She says she took 25 vicodin and 25 adovan two hours prior to driving downtown. Pt. was ambulatory and alert and oriented. She had no signs or symptoms. Pt. transported to county hospital. Hint: next time, don't deliver the suicide note; let people find it after you die.

"Suckin the nature outta me"
23:46 Responded to the gas station near the Salvation Army, to a pay phone. Pt. was still on the phone with 911, upon arrival. Pt. did not have any signs or symptoms, but complained that "something is suckin the nature outta me." When asked to elaborate, the man explained that he took a drink of water, and it dried him out and people were trying to take his retirement money away from him (retirement from all four branches of the military). Pt. did not want to go to a psychiatric hospital, and he called 911 back while we were standing there to ask for a lawyer. Police arrived and said they would handle it. I wonder how much better my job might be if there were no more pay phones.

Belly Split Open, Due to Fat Gain
00:33 Responded to home of 24 y/o HF CO old wound splitting open. Pt. had an appendectomy about 3 1/2 years prior, but her wound has continually split open since then, and it won't heal. I imagine the wound won't heal due to her continuous weight gain. Pt. is about 4' 10" and weighs about 350 lbs. Pt. had a stoma in her trachea, in order to breathe through all her neck fat. Pt.'s wound had stopped bleeding by the time we arrived, although we could smell the rancid fluid from her wound, which had drained out onto the floor. Pt. walked to the stretcher from her front porch, walking through her own vomit, and rotten food/trash all over the walkway. Her front yard looked and smelled like a dumpster. Her sister, who did not live there, followed us to the hospital in her car. Why SHE didn't take her to the hospital, I don't know, but I can only guess it had to do with the smell.

Sickle-Cell Pain Flare-Up
5:06 Responded to the county jail for a 27 y/o BM CO pain due to his sickle-cell anemia. We gave him nothing, because he have nothing to give, but a ride to the county-funded hospital. When I asked the county jail employee if they ever call private ambulances for non-emergency transports, the employee asked her boss, who became irrate with her that she had called 911. I was surprised to find out that they actually do have rules for when NOT to call 911.

For less than pennies a day, you can help put an end to this senseless abuse of crusty ambulance drivers and social services everywhere. Check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul 2008.

Losers...1, Natural Selection...0

Seeking Opportunities to Serve, as Long as She's Cute & Young
9:50 While driving to find a bank, so we could go get some breakfast, we found a cute, young lass napping on the trunk of her car. We stopped, found out she was locked out since last night, and opened her car door.

Panic Attack, Disguised as Seizures
13:35 Responded to home of HF CO seizures. It turns out she was just having a panic attack. The paramedics disregarded us before we entered the house.

Low Speed Bike Crash
14:02 Responded to downtown park to a 10 y/o, 150 lb., BF who fell on her bike, going around 5 M.P.H., fell and hit her head. No loss of consciousness, no neck pain, alert and oriented; passerbys thought she could use an ambulance. We taped her to a backboard and took her to the hospital.

Natural Selection Lost This Battle to Social Health Care
14:54 Responded to the government funded apartment of a 50 y/o BF CO breathing problems. The second I entered the house and smelled the thick smell of cigarettes, I could pretty well guess it might be a home-oxygen-using, chain-smoking, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease flare-up. Sho-nuf. Pt. was transported to the hospital. Natural Selection was obviously trying its best to do its job and win this war, but it lost this battle to social health care.

Slip and Fall "Threw Her Into Labor" Maybe...
17:48 Responded to the battered women's shelter to an 18 y/o, single, 8 month pregnant, BF CO having slipped on the stairs, while being on BED-REST for a high-risk pregnancy, and she thought maybe the fall "threw her into labor." Pt. had no pain anywhere, no contractions, and she was walking. Pt. transported to the hospital and left in the waiting room.

Fell Through Floor on Second Story
18:48 Responded to the home of a 46 y/o HF who fell through the rafters and drywall of a second story, and fell on her rear-end. She had pain in her back and waist, and she had tingling in her legs. Pt. transported to hospital.

Car Accident with No Patients
20:05 Responded to a car accident. Fire truck arrived 10 minutes before us, found out there were no injuries/no patients, but waited for us to arrive so we could write up the report.

Chronic Kidney Stones, Pain For Past Week
23:15 Responded to home of 56 y/o HF CO kidney stones and pain for the past week. Pt. was diabetic, high BP, high cholesterol, missing half a leg, and had osteoporosis. Family preferred having the city-funded ambulance take her to the hospital.

Dead Man, We Performed Psychological CPR
3:55 Responded to home of 60 y/o HM found by family in cardiac arrest, after distressed call 2 hours prior. Although Pt. appeared to be dead for a long time, when we arrived, the fire truck started CPR because of family's emotional response. We pumped on his chest for about an hour with no change in flat-line status. When we told the family that he was dead, and we were going to do a field termination, the family objected, and requested us to transport him anyway for psychological reasons.

For less than pennies a day, you can help put an end to this senseless abuse of crusty ambulance drivers and social services everywhere. Check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul 2008.

Want to Eliminate the IRS?

If you weren't FORCED to pay taxes, how much would you actually pay?

Congressman Ron Paul (R-Texas) -- perhaps the only elected official who actually insists on holding true to what our Founding Fathers intended for this country -- brings home the message loud and clear in this 2008 electoral video.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWfIhFhelm8

"ron paul"

Somebody's Got a Case of the Mondays...

He Dint Want No Ambulance
7:19 Responded to homeless 44 y/o WM, sleeping on a loading dock, CO being hit by a pipe the night before, by another homeless guy. A passerby called 911, even though this guy didn't want any help. I've transported this guy before, but I don't remember why. The concerned passerby said, "He dint want no ambulance, but I called anyway."

Dead for Over Two Hours
8:31 Our call came in as a DOA. It wasn't a call for an ambulance for someone who might be dead or someone who has just died, and is in need of CPR; it was a call for someone who IS dead and has been dead for over two hours. Police were already on scene, and there was an off-duty firefighter (relative of the dead man) on scene. I guess they just needed a professional opinion. I arrived, looked at him from the doorway, and said, "yep, he's dead." Then we left.

Gout Flare-up
8:40 Responded to home of 67 y/o HM, who lived next door to the fire station, and 400 feet from an open county clinic. Pt. CO a gout flare-up. The Pt. said he wanted to go to the county hospital, even though he was being treated at the clinic 400 feet away. We reminded him that it would be slightly more difficult to get home from the hospital 5 miles away than it would be to get home from the clinic 400 feet away. He agreed and decided to go to the clinic instead.

Police Trying to Avoid DUI Paperwork
9:34 Police called us for a 32 y/o BF who was asleep at the wheel, and she had high-centered her car on the median and stopped. We woke her up by giving her a sternum rub, and she told us she was fine...just a little sleepy. Pt. denied taking any drugs or alcohol and said she had Epstein Bar. The police called us because they didn't want to do the paperwork on a potential DUI, but when my partner checked the Pt.'s pill bottle for pills and found marijuana, the police had no choice.

Seizures at a "Support Clinic"
13:39 Responded to a government subsidized 'Support Clinic,' where some clever people have figured out how to get a paycheck from the government by gathering local mentally and physically disabled people and giving them a place to hang out all day and talk to eachother (getting "support"). 72 y/o WM Pt. CO seizures, he was still altered when we arrived, and he had extremely low blood sugar levels. Pt. had extensive past medical history, including diabetes.
I'm Hot
15:27 45 y/o homeless HM, in front of homeless shelter, CO his legs aching and being "hot." He had been outside since he had been kicked out of the homeless shelter earlier that morning (they kick everyone out every morning). Transported to the hospital and treated for being hot.

Car Accident, One Week Prior...Two States Away
16:29 Responded to the home of a 22 y/o HF CO pain in her leg, hip, and stomach. Pt. was involved in a car accident, 1 week prior, in Alabama. She got back today, and she wanted to go to the hospital to get some pain meds. She went to the hospital in Alabama, but only gave her a few pain pills. So...she rode in a car to her house, got out, went and sat on the couch, and called 911 for a ride to the hospital on the ambulance. Pt. did not have insurance and requested a ride to the county hospital.

18:18 Somebody called 911 from the local high school but left before we arrived.

Tummy Ache, 4 Blocks From the Hospital
18:32 Responded to downtown city street for 48 y/o BM CO abdominal pain for the past several days. Pt. stopped a WF and asked her to call 911 for him. Pt. had gastritis, pancreatitis, and previous intestinal blocks. Pt. was 4 blocks from the hospital. Pt. walked to the ambulance, climbed into the ambulance, and we drove him 4 blocks to the hospital.

Chest Pains for 2 Days
3:50 Responded to the Salvation Army for a 25 y/o BM with chest pains for the past two days. The pain had not become worse; he just decided he should go to the hospital. It may have had something with do with the fact that he was about to be kicked out of the Salvation Army. Everybody gets kicked out of the Salvation Army at around 5:00 a.m. Chest pain increased on palpation and inspiration, which means it was most likely a lung infection or muscle ache. Pt. transported to the hospital.

For less than pennies a day, you can help put an end to this senseless abuse of crusty ambulance drivers and social services everywhere. Check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul 2008.

Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting...

Professional Hobo Removal
12:58 Called by a concerned citizen to a hobo sleeping next to the sidewalk (likely the owner of the house, who wanted us to get rid of the unwanted yard-art). The citizen stated the hobo was unconscious, which is what you have to say to get an ambulance to come out. We arrived and professionally awakened the hobo. The hobo got up and walked down the street, most likely in search of a better lawn to sleep on.

Professional Baby-sitting
13:50 Called to a car accident by another ambulance. The other ambulance said they had a patient to take to the hospital, and he needed us to tend to an underage passenger, until her mom showed up. While waiting for the mother to show, the car caught on fire a little bit, so we heroically extinguish the blaze and saved the underaged occupants of the car.

3 Week Old Problem, Not Getting Worse
15:04 Responded to the home of a 69 y/o HM CO breathing problems. Pt. was able to walk, he had no detectable breathing problems, and he said that he's had this problem for the past 3 weeks, and it has not gotten worse. His housemates say they could not take him to the hospital, but they were able to do him the favor of calling an ambulance. Pt. weighed approx. 95 lbs., as his general health has been in decline over the past year. Pt. was transported to the county hospital where I'm sure he'll be restored to full health.

Sick at Work, What a Surprise
16:59 Responded to the MLB ball park for a 48 y/o BF employee of the ball park CO lightheadedness/dizziness due to a cough over the past month. Pt. was transported to the county hospital where she was given a seat in the waiting room with at least 50 other contestants in the free-county-hospital-care game.

Resistantly Voluntary Patient
18:46 Responded to somebody's front lawn to a 47 y/o BM (hobo) CO falling while walking and hurting his ribs. Pt. stopped a passerby and asked her to call 911. Pt. would not talk to us, and was really resistant to us helping him. After some extensive physical and emotional exertion on our part, Pt. was finally transported to the hospital where he amazingly gained the ability to speak clearly.

Shot At and Stabbed, Part One
20:06 Called by the police to a 35 y/o BM CO being shot at and eventually stabbed by an unknown assailant. Pt. alleges that a man pulled up in a car (which was obviously inoperably parked for several days, if not weeks) and jumped out with a gun in both hands (old west style) and fired at him and his friends. He says that he jumped in front of the bullets to save his friends but didn't get shot. Then, he says the man chased him and stabbed him in the neck. He says he got away and ran into somebody's house nearby for safety. The owner of the house is the person who called the police, because he was scared when a man broke into his house. When we arrived, the man did have a small wound on his neck, and it did look like a puncture wound. We didn't believe his story, but we advised him to go to the hospital. He refused. The end of Part One.

Sleeping for 24 Hours Straight
20:45 Responded to the home of 57 y/o HF. Her son called 911 when he couldn't wake her up. He last saw her awake last night at 21:30, when she went to sleep, and he noticed she didn't wake up this morning, but he left her sleeping all the way until 20:45. When he went to wake her up, she wouldn't wake up. She's diabetic, and her blood sugar was below 40. We gave her glucose via IV, and decided to transport her. Her daughter told us we had to take her to the county hospital, because she didn't have no insurance, so we passed 6 capable hospitals, with a Pt. who was still unconscious, on the way to the free, county hospital.

Friends Don't Let Friends Ride in an Ambulance
22:55 Responded to a community center for a 62 y/o WF CO being beaten by her ex-boyfriend. I've picked her up at least one other time for being beaten by some guy, and she had two hospital wrist-bands from the past week for being beaten by the same guy. Pt. walked 1/2 mile from the place she was beaten to the community center so that they could call an emergency ambulance for her. The community center told us she was a friend, but she was obviously not a good friend, because they weren't willing to give her a ride in their car. They did the most caring thing you can do for a friend...call them an ambulance.

Shot at and Stabbed, Part Deux
00:23 35 y/o BM from 20:06 walked over a mile to the fire station to tell us that he finally wanted to go to the hospital. He said Salvation Army wouldn't take him, and people were still trying to kill him. He was drenced in sweat, fidgety, licking his teeth, dancing around, and rubbing his face. Worrying he was going into shock, we loaded him into the ambulance and took off. When we got to the hospital, he wasn't sweaty anymore, but he was still acting fidgety, touching his face, and licking his lips & teeth. I could smell alcohol on his breath, but he was acting more like he was on drugs. So...I asked him if he had taken any drugs...like, for example, crack cocaine. He became irrate that I asked if he had taken crack and said, "Wha...Jus cuz om black, I took crack; om black an om beautiful...you a cracka and a punk ass bitch...you a punk ass bitch, ya know dat?" I agreed that I was probably a punk ass bitch, but he continued repeating, "you a punk ass bitch" about 7 times, he said he wanted to get up and leave. I told him all he had to do was undo his seat-belt. He finally figured it out and got off the stretcher. He stood up and got in my face while slinging his arms above his head and out to the sides (like an animal trying to make himself appear larger than he was). He resisted assaulting me when about 8 firefighters and 3 cops descended on him. He walked out of the hospital and across the street while yelling that I'm a punk ass bitch and saying that he was going to get me. I still haven't heard from him, but I make sure the doors to the fire station are always locked at night. The end, hopefully.

Finally, A Legitimate Reason to Call 911
1:39 Responded to the home of a 45 y/o WF CO seizures. When we arrived, she was still out of it. Her partner told us she had stage 3 colo-rectal cancer. Pt. was transported to the hospital.

For less than pennies a day, you can help put an end to this senseless abuse of crusty ambulance drivers and social services everywhere. Check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul 2008.

You've Been Served By the Best...

Chronic Back Pain
6:52 Responded to bail bonds store downtown for a homeless, 78 y/o WM CO back pain for the past several years. The back pain did not get worse today, but he decided to go have it checked out, via emergency 911 ambulance. Pt. transported to the hospital and left in the waiting room.

Why Go to the Hospital When There's a Fire Station Nearby
7:45 A man drove his 26 y/o HF wife to the fire station for a stomach pain since last night at 8:00 p.m. This morning, he decided to drive her, not to the hospital, but to the fire station. The pain was no worse this morning than it was last night, and the woman wanted to go to the hospital. Pt. transported to the county hospital, and the husband followed behind the ambulance in his car. Pt. was left in the waiting room.

911 Emergency Blood Sugar Check
9:47 Responded to the home of a 63 y/o HF CO possible low blood sugar. The Pt. was bed-ridden, diabetic, and she did not have a way to test her blood sugar. She thought it was low earlier this morning so she ate a taco. She still thought it was low so she called a 911 emergency ambulance to come check it. We arrived, checked it, found it was 90, and she decided she did not want to go to the hospital (since her blood sugar wasn't low). Pt. was alert and oriented, and she said she felt fine; she just wondered if her blood sugar was still low. Pt. states she calls 911 once every 3 weeks because it's her only way to get to the doctor.

Stroke Pt. Running Around, Getting On and Off the Stretcher
10:34 Responded to a government-funded half-way house for sick, injured, drug-addicted, or mentally deficient people. Pt. was a 51 y/o BF CO possible stroke. Pt. states the left side of her body went numb, as she was standing at her door, running back and forth into the apartment to get various things she wanted to take with her, and refusing to sit down on the stretcher. Pt. had this happen once in January, but they told it was not a stroke, and they needed to do follow-up exams. Pt. did not go to her follow-up exams. Pt. just got out of the county mental health facility for bipolar disorder. Pt. became very irrate with the fact that we were asking questions about her medical history. She said, "you not no MD's; you don't need to be axing no quertions like that." She was also mad that two people were asking her questions in very rapid succession. Pt. eventually got so mad she jumped off the stretcher, went into a corner of the lobby, and started crying. We called a supervisor, waited outside, and eventually the stand-off ended and she came outside. Pt. was transported to the county hospital and left in the waiting room with stable vital signs.

Nausea, Vomiting, and Maybe Diarrhea
14:40 Responded to home of 52 y/o WF CO nausea, vomiting, and pending diarrhea. Symptoms started this morning and got worse. Pt. transported to the hospital, and her life partner followed behind in her car.

Party Supplies...Delivered @ 40 MPH to Your Car's Rear-end

15:59 Motor vehicle incident on the freeway. 47 y/o WF was driving a Ford Escape and was rear-ended by a small truck (party supply truck). A third party called an ambulance as he was driving by. Pt. had pain in the back of her head, but she did not want an ambulance...refused transport.

Every Time I Take This Pill, I Can't Breathe
16:21 Responded to a gas station, near the Salvation Army for a 54 y/o WM, resident of the Salvation Army, CO breathing problems. Pt. has chronic emphysema, but it's usually not this bad. Pt. noticed that every time he has taken his new pain medication (Tolmentin Sodium), he can't breathe. This has happened 3x a day for the past four days (the same number of times he has taken the new pain med). Pt. smokes 1 pack a day. Pt. transported to the county hospital where he was given the pain med four days ago.

Thanks Mario...Update on 5/17/2007 Pt.
17:28 A guy named Mario called 911 for an accident. No accident was found. Good work Mario. While looking for the accident we saw our patient from 5/17/2007, 18:12 "Permanently Altered Mental Status." He was headed for the convenience store, and he was altered today as he was when we took him to the hospital the other day.

Ankle Sprain...Take Me...No, Don't Take Me...Take Me
21:00 Responded to the home of 66 y/o WF CO sprained ankle. She said she just now fell out of bed and sprained her ankle (or maybe broke it). Pt.'s ankle was already bruised and her whole foot was swollen, indicating the injury was about one day old. Pt. was found sitting on the toilet. We moved the woman from the toilet to the front room, and she decided that she just wanted us to put her in bed. Once she got in bed, she wanted us to take her back to the toilet. We refused, and we told her if we take her anywhere, we're taking her to the hospital. She decided to go to the hospital. Pt. admitted that the ankle injury happened last night at 10:30 p.m., and it was a re-aggravation of a prior injury. She said they tried to do an MRI on her ankle and her knee two weeks ago, but they couldn't do it because she couldn't hold still for 45 minutes. Pt. left the hospital 1 week prior, where she had been for a week. Pt. has knee pain, back pain, scholiosis, and chronically recurring ankle injuries; and she lives on the 2nd floor of a garage apartment with her 450 lb. boyfriend who can barely get around himself. Boyfriend states, "She's...how do you call it...a repeat offender...she calls all the time." Pt. was transported to the hospital and given an education on how to use her Medicare to call private ambulances for non-emergency situations (either way, taxpayers lose). Why are we using tax money to keep some of these people alive?

Seizures for an Hour
23:37 Responded to home of 36 y/o HM found unconscious and seizing. Reportedly, the Pt. had been seizing since 10:30 p.m., and he never regained consciousness. Pt.'s wife appeared to be mentally disabled. Pt. was transported to the hospital with paramedics.

Revenge By Reporting a Fire
00:30 Responded to ghetto downtown club for a reported fire. It turns out there was no fire or anything close to a fire. We suspect an angry person who had been turned away reported a fire on the club.

For less than pennies a day, you can help put an end to this senseless abuse of crusty ambulance drivers and social services everywhere. Check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul 2008.

One of the Saddest Days on the Box...

Me and My Government Funded Social Services Were Rejected
6:06 Responded to a motor vehicle incident on the freeway. 3 cars were involved, and 4 older people were involved. Surprisingly, none of them needed an ambulance.

SPAFA Goes to the Shop
7 a.m. to 3 p.m. we got to take a huge break while they performed periodic maintenance my 'Social Programs Abuse Facilitation Apparatus' (SPAFA...my ambulance).

Permanent State Of Altered Mental Status
18:12 Responded to an open field, across the street from a homeless shelter to a 58 y/o BM. The homeless shelter administration felt he needed an ambulance for his altered mental status. Pt. was found to be rather alcoholically intoxicated. Pt. was transported to the county hospital, and enroute, he was very agitated with our attempts to help him...to the point of physically threatening us. I saw him walking around two days later, and he was equally as 'altered' and heading for the convenience store. I'm astounded that the trip to the county hospital did not completely return him to a state of being a normal, happy, healthy, sober, clean, working, contributing member of society.

Possibly The Saddest Call I've Made
19:09 Responded to a warehouse to find a 30 y/o HM lying on the ground near his van, pulseless and breathless. Pt. was changing his tire, and apparently the van fell off the jack. We don't know exactly what happened, because somebody came and pulled him out from under the van just before we arrived, but we assume he was pinned under the van in such a way that it caused him to not be able to breathe. The Pt.'s wife called him several times over the three hours prior, nobody answered, so she decided to go find him. She found him pinned under the van, dead. Her two year old son was with her, and she was 8 months pregnant. By the time we got to him, he had been dead too long for us to help him. This is possibly the saddest call I've ever made. Usually, when somebody dies, it's a thug or an older person, and it's easy for me to not feel sypathetic; but it's very rare for us to find a relatively young, working, healthy person, with a family, dead.

Public Intoxication Charge Evaded...Against Will
20:00 Responded to the baseball park for a 24 y/o WM CO being extremely intoxicated. Normally, if someone is that intoxicated, the police will arrest him for public intoxication. In this case, I believe the police did not want to arrest him ... either because they didn't want to leave the game, or because he was a young law school student, and they didn't want to give him a criminal record. Therefore, the police told us they couldn't take him because he couldn't walk. We arrived, asked him to get up, he got up, walked to the stretcher, and we transported him to the hospital. He was very angry with us for taking him to the hospital, and he fought us the whole way. We told him that his dad was coming to get him at the hospital, and he responded while crying, "Awwohhh...you called my father??...you should have just taken me to jail...you don't know my father." Interesting. I guess we should have just insisted that he be arrested.

Small Scratch and Bruise
00:26 Police called us to the home of a 50+ y/o BF who had been fighting with another BF. Our Pt. complained of having a small scratch and bruise on her eyelid. The police thought they should call us to come 'check her out.' We asked her what she wanted us to do. She said, "y'aint got no stuff fo cleanin it out." I said, "just soap and water...you don't have any soap and water inside your house?" She said she did, and we were on our merry way.

Call and Run
2:08 Called to a downtown location, in front of an extremely thuggish night club (we get calls there quite often), for an injury/laceration due to an assault. We could not find our patient.

Chevy HHR Flipped...I Guess They Just Do That Sometimes
2:40 Responded to a one-car motor vehicle accident on the freeway overpass. The 34 y/o WM does not know why his car flipped over (new Chevy HHR...the car still did not have plates). We suspected driving drunk and/or asleep, and hitting the wall had something to do with. Pt. had only small cuts and abrasions, but he went to the hospital for precautionary measures.

For less than pennies a day, you can help put an end to this senseless abuse of crusty ambulance drivers and social services everywhere. Check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul 2008.

We Damn Near Solved All the World's Problems Today

Today's Itinerary...Wake Up, Get Food Stamps, Then Call 911 for an Emergency Ambulance Ride
7:37 Responded to the outside of the county courthouse, downtown. We were called by a 38 y/o BF CO intestinal problems, who has had intestinal problems for several months. Her stomach hurt this morning when she left the house and got on the bus, but she toughed it out long enough to get downtown and get her food stamps. When she left the house, her plan was to take the bus to get food stamps, then call the ambulance to go to the hospital. Brilliant plan...flawlessly executed...Pt. transported to the hospital.

Took Pain Pills Till She "Fell Out" For Abscessed Tooth
8:54 Responded back to the courthouse for an unconscious person. Arrived to find a 28 y/o BF who had OD'd a mix of Vicodin and Soma. She started taking them last night, and she took a few more this morning. She eventually "fell out" in the courthouse lobby. Her husband reports that she has taken 15 pills since last night for an abscessed tooth. Pt. transported to the county hospital.

Target Tried to Kill a Kid By Letting Him Swing on a Clothes Rack
14:22 Responded to Target for a 2 y/o HM who was using a clothes rack like a jungle gym, the clothes rack fell on top of the boy, and the boy got hit in the head and pinned under the clothes rack. They said it was so heavy that they could hardly lift it off of him...which in Crusty-ese translates to...the kid was extremely unruly and extremely unwatched by his parents to be able to knock it over. The kid had a minor bump on his head, no blood, and no loss of consciousness. Parents wanted him transported on the ambulance because it was Target's fault, and they had to pay. We transported the child and did absolutely nothing enroute. We dropped him off at the nurse's station, went to finish our record, walked out to the ambulance, and the boy was seen leaving the hospital with his family. THE PATIENT LEFT THE HOSPITAL BEFORE WE DID!!!

Nervous Twitch For 3 Days
15:11 Responded to a street near the freeway for a 15 y/o WM who has had a nervous twitch for the past 3 days. The mother was taking him to the hospital on her own, but she ran out of gas, and called an ambulance when she ran out of gas. The boy said, "I'm doing it on purpose...I do it to the music...doesn't she notice that I stop when the music stops." I asked the boy to reproduce the twitch, he complied, and the mother pointed out, "see, there it is." Pt. was transported to the children's hospital.

Motor Vehicle Accident...No Injuries
21:24 Responded to a motor vehicle downtown. There were no injuries; the police department just wanted us to check everyone.

Altered Mental Status AND Crapped Pants
23:04 Responded to a gas station for a 22 y/o HM who had been assaulted by a man with brass knuckles, 2 hours prior. The Pt.'s girlfriend put him in the car and started driving for a hospital. They live 25 miles northwest of downtown, and when they arrived at downtown without finding a hospital, they pulled of the road and called an ambulance at a gas station. The Pt's girlfriend was extremely drunk. The Pt. was actually in really bad shape with altered mental status. Worst of all, the Pt. had crapped himself, which nearly caused me to vomit, once the stank was concentrated in the back of the ambulance.

Zanax OD'ing Epidemic at the County Jail
00:44 Responded to the county jail for a 30 y/o WF who had OD'd on Zanax while sitting in a holding tank at the county jail. One of the other arrested females had a bunch of Zanax and started passing it out. The Pt. and a couple of other girls OD'd, but our Pt. was the worst. Pt. transported to the county hospital.

9 Losers Down, Several Billion to Go...

Pt. calls 2x So Far Today, and it's Only 8 A.M.
8:07 Responded to same house as my call on 5/1/2007 @ 22:26 "Ambulance Ride...Second Time Today." Pt. called 911, decided she did not need an ambulance, and called back after they left. The original ambulance responded back to the location and disregarded us.

County Jail Morning Clean-up
8:37 Responded to county jail for 50 y/o BM Inmate CO uncontrollable bleed on his leg amputation site, which had been amputated last week due to diabetic complications. By the time we arrived, the county jail doctors had controlled the bleed. We were just there to transfer him to the county hospital.

Child Support Trial Claims Another Victim
10:31 Responded to county family court for a 46 y/o BM, weighing 540 lbs., CO feeling dizzy with chest tightness. Pt. had felt bad since Saturday, and he felt really bad this morning, before he came to court. Pt. drove himself to the county court and called 911 from the court. Pt. said he did not want to go straight to the hospital this morning because they would have issued a warrant for his arrest. Therefore, he got himself into the courtroom and called 911 from there. Pt. transported to the hospital.

Take Four Soma's and Call Me When You Fall Out of Your Chair
12:00 Responded to mexican restaurant for 43 y/o WM who had taken 4 Soma's (pain pills), went to the restaurant, and fell out of his chair onto the floor. This is the second time I've taken this man to the hospital. Pt. transported to the hospital, as usual.

Small Flurry of Disregards
13:22 Called to stroke, but disregarded while enroute.
13:29 Called to motor vehicle accident, but disregarded enroute.

Motels, Boils, Crack Rocks, and Brawls
15:28 Responded to permanent motel room (with plywood floors) of 28 y/o BM CO sickness for the past two days and boils on his skin. Pt. smokes crack regularly. All vitals were normal. Pt. was transported to the hospital, but just before we left, two guys started scrapping in front of the ambulance. They scrapped for about two minutes, even though a frantic 50+ y/o BF was beating both of them in an attempt to stop the fighting. Luckily, another guy stepped in and pulled the 50+ y/o BF away in order to allow the two men to successfully finish scrapping.

Metro Bus Careening Out of Control, Passerby Exploits Opportunity
17:05 Responded to a downtown intersection for a motor vehicle accident between a Metro Bus and a white Trans Am. The Trans Am ran a red light, the bus T-boned the Trans Am, and the Trans Am was demolished. After hitting the white Trans Am, the bus went careening through a wrought iron fence, across a parking lot, and into a parked RV. The parked RV hit a brick, car repair building and demolished the side of the building, causing bricks to rain down from the heavens. All 13+ of the people on the bus wanted to go to the hospital on an ambulance. The driver of the Trans Am went to the hospital on the ambulance (of course). And...one passerby, who seized an opportunity to get a paycheck from the Metro System, entered the crumbling building after the bus hit the building, got hit with falling bricks, and wanted to go to the hospital on the ambulance. We were the eighth ambulance to be called to this location, in addition to a rescue truck, a fire truck, an ambulance supervisor, and a senior supervisor (26 total members of the FD). We transported the driver of the bus to the hospital, who was seen running around the accident scene, just a few minutes prior to being transported. The next day, I found out I had made the front page of the local newspaper...a true hero...memorialized.

Cut Thumb 2 1/2 Hours Prior, Drove to Fire Station
19:58 A 47 y/o HM cut his left thumb while using a circular saw. He cut his thumb 2 1/2 hours prior, and he had spent the previous 2 1/2 hours driving around looking for a clinic. Finally, I guess he decided to go to a fire station...not for directions...but for a ride on the ambulance.

Beaten By an Angry Mob of Kids
22:11 We were called to a downtown street, near a homeless shelter, by the county police, for a 43 y/o BM who had allegedly been assaulted by 10 kids (George Castanza style). Pt. had a minor abrasion on his forehead. This is at least the third time I've taken this man to the hospital on an ambulance. The other times he had breathing problems. Pt. was immediately recognized by name when he arrived at the hospital, and sent to the waiting room.

To find out how you can help put an end to this devastating crisis, which is the abuse of a crusty ambulance driver, the 911 emergency services system, and ambulance drivers all across the land; please check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul in 2008.

Vaginal Discharge, Anyone?

False Hopes...
6:21 The police department called us to an accident, but it had already been cleared by the time we got there. I felt like one of the buzzards on Robin Hood.

Child Support Trial Induced Seizures
8:07 Responded to a 23 y/o BM at the county family court house (child support court) CO seizures just before he was about to go on trial for child support payments. Pt. had no signs or symptoms; all vitals were normal; Pt. was awake and oriented. Transported to the county hospital.

Glucometer Broke, Stopped Taking Insulin
9:37 Responded to the home of an 83 y/o HF CO hyperglycemia for the past 3 days. Pt. stopped checking her blood sugar when her monitor broke, and since she couldn't check her blood sugar, she stopped taking insulin. A home health care nurse finally came by and found her blood sugar to be above 500. Pt. was transported to the hospital, where she left the Friday before.

I've Fallen, and I've Gotten Up
13:01 Responded to home of 74 y/o BF CO having fallen out of her chair. Pt. had no signs or symptoms, but her mentally handicapped daughter/care-taker wanted her taken to the hospital. Pt. possibly fell out of her chair due to dizziness caused by taking Respirdol for the first time.

Excellent Company Medical Care
14:11 Responded to downtown high-rise energy business to 28 y/o WM CO chest pain. Pt. felt chest pain for several days and decided to go see the company doctor. The doctor told him he didn't know what was going on and called 911. Pt. did not think it was necessary to go to the hospital on the ambulance, but the company nurse told him he "had to," and she forbade him from going up and retrieving his belongings. Pt. transported to hospital. Lesson learned...if you think you have a serious problem, skip the step of going to a doctor who just tells you that you should go see a doctor, calls 911, and forces you to go on the ambulance (company policy).

Metro Bus Fender Bender...Everyone is Severely Injured
15:02 Responded to a downtown intersection, to the accident site of a Metro bus and a delivery van. There were a total of 4 passengers on the Metro bus, 1 driver of the bus, and 1 driver of the van. All six people decided they had serious enough injuries to need an ambulance to get to the hospital. Both vehicles (apparently) had less than $1000 worth of damage. We transported a 24 y/o BM passenger and the 52 y/o BM driver of the Metro bus. 3 city ambulances were required to handle this catastrophe.

Vaginal Discharge and Leg Boils
16:32 Responded to a church 20+ miles from my station (all the other ambulances were responding to life-threatening emergencies) to a 44 y/o BF CO white vaginal discharge, boils on her legs, and constipation. She had the discharge and boils for several days, and she had constipation for approximately 9 months. She asked her live-in daughter to take her in her car, but her daughter refused. Therefore, she walked 1/2 mile to a local church to call 911. Pt. transported to the hospital and left in the waiting room.

Severe Headache
18:01 Responded to FedEx warehouse for 35 y/o BF CO migraine headache, which radiated to her legs, leaving her unable to walk. Pain started this morning, but got really bad right when she got to work. Pt. transported to the hospital.

Feeling Hot
19:28 Responded to home of 52 y/o HF CO feeling hot. Pt's temperature was found to be 97.7. She had been feeling hot since 8 a.m. Pt. transported to the hospital and left in the waiting room.
Help...There's a Sleeping Man Over Here
22:07 A concerned driver called 911 emergency ambulance abuse for a homeless person sleeping on the sidewalk. By the time we arrived, Pt. had walked away.

Drunk Guy, Nearly Slapped Sober
22:31 Responded to home of 20 y/o HM CO being unconscious. We arrived to find a semi-conscious male being slapped repeatedly by a female. Pt. was apparently very drunk. Pt. transported to the hospital, and was seen miraculously leaving the hospital 2 hours later.

Asian Gang Assaulted Man With Beer
23:45 Responded to downtown nightclub where a gang of 4 asian males assaulted a 28 y/o WM with several beer bottles on the head. Pt. said asian males showed some gain signs, offered a high five, then beat the man over the head. Pt's head was apparently O.K., but the glass somehow cut his forearm and hand. Both cuts were arterial bleeds, and blood sprayed from his wounds each time his heart beat (like a Quentin Tarantino movie). Pt. was transported to the hospital.

Drinking and Driving into Poles Don't Mix
1:26 Responded to the near-town accident site of a 42 y/o, very intoxicated, very large, HF who had dotted a couple of parked cars before crashing head-on into a telephone pole, in front of Stephanie's house (a friend of mine). Pt. had apparently broken her leg and had several minor aches/pains. Pt. was transported to the hospital after excessive exertion in removing her from the car and putting her on a backboard.

To find out how you can help put an end to this devastating crisis, which is the abuse of a crusty ambulance driver, the 911 emergency services system, and ambulance drivers all across the land; please check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul in 2008.

Save the Loser, Save the World...

This Delicious Smelling Lotion is So Good, It Will Make Your Eyes Swell Shut
7:20 Responded to nursing home to 79 y/o WF CO allergic reaction. Pt. had a swollen face, to the point where she could not open her left eye, and she was having allergy-related breathing problems. The possible cause of the allergic reaction was the new cherry/ALMOND lotion somebody gave her as a gift. Pt. given Benadryl and transported to the hospital.

Sudden Abdominal Pain
10:16 Responded to high-rise office building to 58 y/o WF CO sudden onset pain in the upper right quadrant of her abdomen, causing shooting pains into her neck. Pt. also had uncharacteristically high BP. Pt. transported to hospital.

Pacing and/or Giving Dirty Looks is Hereby Prohibited!
11:22 Responded to sidewalk in front of jail, downtown. The police called for ambulance for an approximately 45 y/o homeless WM who was pacing back and forth and giving people dirty looks. Pt. did not want to go to the hospital.

2 Week Old Boil...Call 911 of Course
12:26 Responded to 22 y/o BF who called for an ambulance for a 2 week old boil on her leg and a slight headache. Pt. called county hospital, and the hospital told her to call 911...Quickly! Headache was no longer an issue by the time we arrived. My partner advised her that 911 ambulances are supposed to be for life-threatening emergencies, not convenience.

Surgery in Mexico...Sure...County Cleenic...Ch...EW NO!
13:55 Responded to mexican restaurant for 30 y/o HF CO feeling faint while beginning to eat her first meal of the day. Pt. had surgery on her ovaries 3 days ago in Mexico. Pt. did not want to go to the hospital. I told her she should call her doctor in Mexico, and she said she did not know his name or number. I suggested maybe she should go see a doctor...maybe at the county clinic. She responded, "Ch...ew no, I'm not going to no county cleenic." I guess the hospitals in Mexico are still better than our county clinics.

Pain Meds and Forty Ounces of Malt Liquor
14:19 Responded to 45 y/o homeless WM, laying on the sidewalk for 2 hours. Nearby store owner called 911 when she saw the man there for 2 hours. Pt. had drunk a 'forty,' and he had taken a bunch of pain meds, which he acquired earlier that day from a back pain clinic. Pt. transported to county hospital.

Passed Out and Fell...Doesn't Want to Go to Hospital
15:45 Responded to home of 69 y/o HF who had passed out and fallen on her porch. Neighbor saw her fall and called 911. Pt. said she fell because she hadn't eaten yet and she felt weak. Pt. was just coming home from store with groceries. Pt. had heart stint installed 3 months prior. We tried to talk her into going to the hospital (to avoid liability), but Pt. did not want to go because she wanted to put away her groceries and give water to her cats.

Once Every Two Months
16:54 Responded to government funded housing project to 53 y/o BM CO breathing problems. Pt. has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and has to breathe supplemental oxygen all day, every day. Pt. states that he's been feeling bad for the past 2 weeks, since he ran out of his meds. Pt.'s daughter states that this happens about once every 2 months, and he calls an ambulance, goes to the hospital, and gets more meds. Pt. walked outside to get on our stretcher, and Pt.'s daughter, who also lives with the Pt. in the gov't funded housing project, followed us to the hospital in her car.

Quick Calculation:
If all 4,000,000 people in this city's greater metro area called once every two months, we would have approximately 66,666 calls per day, and if each ambulance can handle about 15 calls per day, our city would need 4,444 ambulances. We currently have around 65 ambulances.

35 Mile Bus Ride to Downtown to Call for an Ambulance
18:45 Responded downtown to find 44 y/o HM walking toward ambulance, saying, "I'm diabetic and schizophrenic, and I need to go to the county psych hospital to be committed." Pt. had admittedly taken a bus from the suburbs, into downtown, in order to call for an ambulance to take him to the county hospital.

Pain and Swelling in Legs, for Several Days
21:16 Responded to home of 83 y/o BF CO pain and swelling in legs, which had been progressively getting worse over several days. Today she could not get out of bed. Pt. had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure, for which she had medications. Pt. transported to the hospital, and her family followed behind in their car.

Ambulance Ride...Second Time Today
22:26 Responded to home of 42 y/o BF CO racing heartbeat. Pt's pulse was an 86 (elevated, but within normal range). Pt. had taken an ambulance to the hospital earlier that morning, and she had gone to the hospital every day for the past 6 days. Pt. had returned home from her morning trip to the hospital, took the medications they gave her, and she felt like the medications made her sick again. I asked the Pt. if she knew how to take her pulse; she said no. I advised her to buy a BP so she could monitor her heart rate and BP without having to call an ambulance or go to the hospital every time she thought it was elevated. She told me she already had one, but she didn't know how to use it. I showed her how to use it, and she complained, "Ah...it hurt when it squeeze ma arm. Pt. taken to county hospital and left in the waiting room. Pt. complained, "Idn't someboddy gone look at ma hert?"

Saying All the Right Things and Still Going to the Waiting Room
3:18 Responded to home of 47 y/o BM CO chest pain, radiating down his left arm, which increased on palpation and movement (probably not heart related). Pt. had normal EKG. Pt. walked to ambulance and was transported to county hospital. At the hospital, Pt. revealed that the pain was mostly in his back, and all the pain started when he fell on his back, on the stairs, one hour prior. Pt.'s family, being obviously extremely concerned, followed us to the hospital in their car. Pt. was left in the waiting room, which he was most likely trying to avoid by telling us he had chest pain, radiating down his left arm.

Today's Model Citizen Award Goes to William
4:39 William, another happy helper, saw a car lose control on the freeway and lightly scrape the wall. Without knowing if the driver was hurt, he did the thing any good citizen would do; he called for an ambulance. William reported the accident to be northbound on one freeway. The accident was not there, so we called William, the model citizen. He then told us the accident was northbound on a different freeway. We went to that location, and did not find an accident there either. We finally found the accident on the southbound side of the second freeway, and we also found out that the Pt. had fled the scene shortly after he hit the wall. Thanks William...keep up the good work.

Extremely Hyperglycemic Diabetic Inmate
5:05 Responded to city jail to 24 y/o WM on a prison bus. Pt. was being transported from one jail to another, and even though he was a known diabetic, he had not taken his insulin. Pt.'s blood sugar was above 500, Pt. was extremely drowsy, and he had fallen on the bus. Pt. was transported to the county hospital.

To find out how you can help put an end to this devastating crisis, which is the abuse of a crusty ambulance driver, the 911 emergency services system, and ambulance drivers all across the land; please check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul in 2008.

Today, I Think I Found My Calling in Life...

Sorry it took so long to publish this day's antics. I work again tomorrow, so check back within a couple of days for those days also...

What Time Is It?...7:36 a.m....Well...Time to Start Beating Eachother....
7:36 Approximately 45 y/o BF is seen running around in the street, in HEAVY rain, being chased by a BM, who is beating her and yelling at her. Bystander called 911 for the BF, who was beaten. We arrived to find nobody running around, but shortly thereafter, the woman who was allegedly beaten came out of her house and got into the police car (which responded with us). She reported that she did not need an ambulance, but she was beaten. Who wakes up at 7:36 to go out in the pouring rain and beat eachother? Do they set an alarm clock for that?

Stefanie, the model citizen
8:09 Stefanie, a happy helper, was driving along the freeway, drove by a white truck stalled on the freeway, did not bother stopping to find out what was going on, not knowing exactly what was going on, called 911 for an ambulance to respond to an unconscious person inside the white truck on freeway. We arrived to find a very conscious 25 y/o HM who had a bad case of front-right-tire-blown-out-itis, and he was waiting for a wrecker truck. No injuries, never passed out. Thanks Stefanie.

Help...I Was Hit by a CAR! ...12 days ago
8:32 Responded to Salvation Army homeless shelter to 50 y/o WM CO auto-pedestrian hit-and-run, with a fractured leg, hurt back/neck, and hurt pelvis. This would normally be really bad, if it hadn't happened 12 days prior. Pt. was hit by a car and went to the hospital 12 days prior. Last Friday he was released by the hospital and sent to a nursing/total care home (Gov't funded). Pt. did not like the nursing home, so he went to a friend's motel on Saturday night. On Tuesday night, he decided to go back to the hospital. On Wednesday morning, he was discharged from the hospital and sent in a cab, paid for by the hospital, to the Salvation Army (15-20 miles from the hospital). He arrived at the Salvation Army at 7:30 a.m., and he called an ambulance at 8:30 a.m. When we asked him what was wrong, he said he was in pain, the hospital only gave him 2 free Vicodin pills, and he wanted to go to the county-funded hospital to get more pain pills. When the Pt. came outside, he left his bag inside. We went inside and looked for it, but we couldn't find it. Since we couldn't find the bag, the Pt. suggested that he could leave the ambulance to go in and find it, if we would pay for his cab to the hospital. We declined; he decided to ride the ambulance and leave his bag. On the way to the hospital, my partner enlightened him by telling him that the ambulance is more for people in life-threatening conditions, not people in long-term pain. He disagreed. While enroute to the hospital, the Pt. asked "I don't have to pay for any of this do I; the county's going to pay, right?" Pt. was taken to the hospital and left in the waiting room.

I Drank a 12-Pack of Beer and My Stomach Aches
9:46 Responded to another Salvation Army, fine homeless care facility, to a 47 y/o BM CO stomach pain and dizziness. Pt. is HIV +, has pneumonia, does not take his prescribed meds, given to him by the county hospital (for free), and drinks a 12-pack of beer a day. Upon arrival at the county hospital, Pt. was immediately recognized by the front desk personnel, who released him 2 weeks prior and expect to see him every couple of weeks.

Seizure...Just Before Going Into Court
11:18 Responded to County Courthouse to 27 y/o BF CO seizures, right before going into court. Pt. was alert and oriented, no bleeding tongue, no urination (most likely didn't have a seizure). I picked up this same Pt. from her home 4 months ago for the same thing. I asked the Pt. what the diagnosis was last time she went to the hospital, and the Pt. responded, "Ahn't know, dey dint gif me but bout 10 peelz, den tol me ta foll-up." Then her friend interjected, "She gots to go to county; she ain't got no inshunce." Pt. may not have had inshunce, but she did have a cell phone...like all people that don't have inshunce. Pt. was transported to the county hospital.

Update to "Help...I Was Hit by a CAR! ...12 days ago"
12:10 Pt. was no longer waiting at the county hospital, nor had he been seen by a doctor. Apparently he left without being seen. We suspect he went to a different county hospital.

Cardiac Arrest...CPR in Progress
13:57 Responded to industrial fabrication building to 57 y/o 350 lb. WM CO cardiac arrest. Pt. had gotten out of car and fell down dead. Bystanders performed CPR, and we took over CPR when we arrived. The fire department doctor also responded to the location. Pt. was given CPR for about 40 minutes and given just about every medication we carry, but we were unable to bring him back. Pt. was transported to the hospital with CPR enroute, and was pronounced dead shortly thereafter by the hospital.

Car Accident, 15 Miles Away
17:09 Got called to a motor vehicle accident approximately 15 miles away. A fire truck also responded and found no injuries. We were disregarded before we arrived.

300 LB. Diabetic Feeling Weak
18:10 Responded to home of 45 y/o HM CO feeling weak. Pt. is 300+ lbs, has diabetes, high BP, high cholesterol, anxiety, and looks like he's 65 y/o. Pt. said he did not have any other way to get to the doctor. Pt. transported to the hospital where we found out he had just gotten out of the county hospital.

Angry, Stapler-throwing White Girr
21:45 Responded to downtown chinese restaurant to 50 y/o AF CO pain in head. Pt. claims she had been hit by a Swingline stapler when an angry 26 y/o WF got mad about the exorbitant price of two eggrolls and threw the stapler at her. Pt. said, "I never see white girr go crazy wike tat." Allegedly. Pt. did not want to go to the hospital; she just wanted the police.

A Brick-throwing Incident @ Salvation Army
22:48 Responded to Salvation Army to 30 y/o WM CO bleeding on his head. Pt. claims another homeless guy threw a brick at him outside. The cut was very small, the bleeding had stopped, there was no contusion, and the Pt. did not want to go to the hospital; he just wanted a place to sleep (Salvation Army won't let people in past around 21:00).

Vomiting the BINGO Tournament Food
23:36 Responded to home of 73 y/o HF CO vomiting (now...dry-heaving) after eating at the BINGO tourney 5 hours prior. Pt. takes meds for digestion and acid reflux, and has had previous episodes of this same thing, but was not seen by a doctor for it because she left the hospital waiting room after waiting too long and the problem subsided. Pt. transported to the county hospital and left in the waiting room.

Abrasion to the Forehead
2:11 Responded to a downtown club to an approx. 25 y/o HM CO abrasion on his forehead. Pt. had been involved in a fight, and the police called an ambulance to 'have him checked out.' We arrived, asked him if he was OK ("yes"), asked him if he was hurt anywhere else ("no"), and asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital ("no"). We left.

Congestive Heart Failure...and...The Wiggles
3:30 Responded to senior citizens' assisted care highrise building to 75 y/o WM CO severe chest pain and fluid in his lungs. Pt. was given aspirin and nitro, but paramedics could not get an I.V. line or a 12-lead EKG because the Pt. was moving around and moaning too much. Pt. was transported to the hospital with paramedics.

To find out how you can help put an end to this devastating crisis, which is the abuse of a crusty ambulance driver, the 911 emergency services system, and ambulance drivers all across the land; please check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul in 2008.

Suicide Cocktails, Anyone?

Gas Leak...One Mile Away
9:52 Six fire trucks and 2 medic units responded to gas leak. Woman smelled gas and called 911. Woman was 1 mile downwind from a gas leak which was already contained by six other fire trucks and 2 other medic units.

Ambulance Got a Flat
10:26 Called to Pt. with seizures in downtown; could not respond due to flat tire, which happened while mechanic was trying to fill tires to correct pressure and found broken valve.

Swollen Tongue...
10:45 Responded to courthouse downtown (which calls for an ambulance at least once a day, sometimes 3-4 times a day) to 22 y/o WM CO swollen tongue. Pt. had O.D.'d on Xanax two days prior, got out of the hospital yesterday, tongue swelled up today (a common side effect of Xanax). Pt. transported to hospital and given 25 Mg. of Benadryl (OTC drug) enroute to hospital. Pt. had no symptoms upon arrival at the hospital.

Bacon, Coffee, and No BP Med
11:36 Responded to 57 y/o HF CO high BP. Home health care nurse (medicare funded) arrived and found Pt. with 230/115 BP. Nurse called base, base called 911 to avoid liability. Pt. had eaten bacon, drunk coffee, and not taken BP med that morning. Pt. had high BP and kidney problems (regular dialysis). Nurse administered BP med, and BP was down to 210/100 by the time we arrived. Pt. did not want to go. Pt. advised to not eat bacon, drink coffee, and not take BP med.

2 Day Old Stomach Pain...Straight to the Waiting Room
12:03 Responded to home of 63 y/o BM, sitting in front of house, CO 2 day old stomach pain. Upon arrival, daughter said, "better get da stretcha, cuz he goin." Pt. walked to ambulance, and taken to county hospital. Upon arrival, triage nurse said, "Rate your pain on a scale from 1 to 10"...Pt. responded, "Iz bouta a 7." I told Pt. "Uh-oh, if it's only a seven, they're going to put you in the waiting room...It's gotta be about a 9 to be seen right now"...Pt. responded, "Well it really is higher, bouta 9 or 10...Nurse, Iz bouta 9 or 10...I don't wanna go to da waitin room." Nurse sent Pt. to waiting room, and I informed him that I was kidding about the pain scale thing. Pt. was left in PACKED! waiting room.

Sheriff Driving Fast & Wrong Way Through Parking Lot, Hit Woman, Woman's Fault
15:16 Responded to parking lot where Sheriff, going wrong way through parking lot, hit a woman pulling out of a parking space. Sheriff went to hospital on another ambulance, then called us to have the approx. 35 y/o BF "checked out." We informed them we could transport her, but we couldn't tell her if she was O.K. or not. Pt. did not want to go to the hospital. I asked another Sheriff who would be blamed for the accident, and he said, "Probably her, even though the Officer was going the wrong way and going really fast; she pulled out in front of him."

Stuck in Elevator 2+ Hours
16:28 Responded to a stuck elevator in a Crowne Plaza Hotel, containing a 42 y/o HF. Pt. was stuck in elevator for 2+ hours before being found. Pt. CO anxiety. When rescued, by FD Heavy Rescue, Pt. refused transport saying she was O.K. Luckily, during Pt. assessment, hotel management was very closely involved, and gave their professional medical opinion. Pt. still declined transport.

Bus-Loads of Fun
17:53 While relaxing at the station, we heard yells coming from downstairs. We went downstairs and found a bus full of children and a bus driver with an 11 y/o HM CO small 1/8" cut in head from wrestling on the bus. Bleeding had stopped, but the bus driver drove around asking people for directions to the nearest fire station so that an EMT-Basic (with just barely more medical knowledge than a Boy Scout) could medically assess the child. We told her it looked liked the bleeding stopped. We contacted the child's mother, and she did not want him to go to the hospital in an ambulance. We waited for her to arrive, and while waiting, we kept busy by taking kids to use the bathroom.

Unsuccessful Suicide Cocktail
19:25 Responded to county jail to 47 y/o WM who had mixed Citrex Spray Disinfectant and BioSoft Hand Cleaner in a bottle and drank it, possibly in an attempt to perform a full body cleansing, or more likely in a horrendous attempt to kill himself (definitely not a very successful attempt). Pt. was conscious but altered, and very resistant. This was the second time I've transported this Pt. from the County Jail. We respond to botched suicide attempts at this jail about once every two weeks.

2nd Attempt at Taking up a Coke-Snorting Habit
20:53 Responded to home of 22 y/o WF, wearing college t-shirt, CO O.D. on coke. Pt. was feeling depressed and decided to try snorting some coke (for her second time). She swore to us she'd never try it again, which is probably what most people say for the first few attempts in of taking up a coke-snorting habit. Pt. refused transport, saying she was starting to feel fine.

What Would We Do Without Maggie's?
22:46 Maggie was driving down the freeway, not sure where exactly she was, and reported an accident, also not sure if there were injuries. Upon searching her original accident location and finding nothing, the dispatcher called her back, and she gave another location about 1 mile away, which also was not a correct location of an accident.

Hard to Get Stab-Wound Pt.
00:10 Responded to grocery store to 38 y/o HM CO of stab wound to belly. Pt. had kissed a homeless female, and a paraplegic, homeless man in wheelchair became irrate and stabbed him in the belly from his wheelchair. It was difficult to get our Pt. to get into the ambulance; he preferred running around arguing with everyone. Eventually Pt. got in and was taken to the hospital. Stab wound turned out to be bloody, but shallow. Wheelchaired man was arrested, so we thought (to be cont'd.).

Stabber Turned Patient
1:19 After returning back to the station and settling in, we were called back to the grocery store of our previous stab wound call. Police admittedly were trying not to arrest the paraplegic stabber, but eventually decided to arrest him, upon considering the victim's threat to return and kill him. When going to arrest the man, the police decided it would be best if he was transported to the hospital on an ambulance, due to a bed sore he had from sitting in his chair. Pt. transported to county hospital in police custody, where he was most likely given a bandage and released.

Call and Run...err...Drag
4:43 Responded to county jail, visitor entrance. Homeless person knocked on glass of 24 Hr. Security Guard's station and told him that he felt sick. Upon arrival, Pt. had left the scene and was not found nearby. Pt. was described as a guy on crutches, dragging his legs.

Live at Salvation Army... Spend Savings on Crack and Cigarettes
5:24 Responded to Salvation Army to 45 y/o BM CO breathing problems and chest pain. Pt. smokes two packs daily and smokes crack daily. What else would you want to do with all the money you save from living in the Salvation Army? Pt. transported to the hospital, where he became unhappy with the triage nurse and walked out of the hospital.

To find out how you can help put an end to this devastating crisis, which is the abuse of a crusty ambulance driver, the 911 emergency services system, and ambulance drivers all across the land; please check out the links on the side of the page, listen to Free Talk Live, and vote for Ron Paul in 2008.

Sunday, Poopy Sunday...

Nursing home? Private Ambulance?...Don't need either when the city pays for 911 ambulance.
7:45 Responded to home of 83 y/o HF CO breathing problem for past 24 hrs. Pt. reports having "chest congestion," and family feels like she's getting weak. Pt. was recently taken home from nursing home because she would rather be at home. Pt. normally uses private ambulance to go to doctor's appointments, but called 911 today to avoid potential co-pay. Transported to the hospital.

Rolled Car on Freeway
9:30 Responded to overturned car on freeway to 3 y/o BF. Child was restrained in back seat of Ford Taurus with no complaints; transported to hospital with mother and brother...just to be sure.

Taking a Stroll Along Beautiful Downtown Riverwalk...and...Dead, Naked Guy
11:39 Responded to "Cardiac Arrest," found by person walking along bridge near riverwalk (a project to beautify the downtown river's edge) in downtown. Police arrived and called ambulance. Pt. was determined to definitely be in cardiac arrest...for the past 4 hours. Rigormortis had already set in. As usual, Pt. had crapped everywhere before dying, and Pt. was naked.

Bump Her Head
12:24 Responded to 2 y/o HF fell off 2 1/2' high stool, from sitting position, and hit head on floor. Pt. was little dazed after the fall; mother called ambulance. Upon arrival, Pt. seemed normal and mother was favoring not going to the hospital. Knowing it would take an ammendment to the constitution to get our supervisor to let us leave her, we talked her into going.

Jeep Rollover...Failed Take-home Test-drive
14:04 Responded to roll-over on freeway. 39 y/o HM & 45 y/o WM driving in newly acquired Jeep, got cut off on freeway, hit the wall, rolled over. Pt.'s were ambulatory, complaining of minor aches. Both Pt.'s transported to hospital on backboards. Driver had not even bought the Jeep yet; they told him to take it home and test it out...I guess it failed the test.

Man Talking Crazy...10 Public Service Professionals Mitigate Problem
17:01 One paramedic unit, one ambulance, 5 police cars (10 people total) responded to homeless guy downtown. Police called ambulance when they found guy "talking crazy"...possible intoxication. Upon arrival, Pt. was talking a jibberish dialect, and upon questioning, finally broke down, started talking normally, and laughed at all of us for responding to him.

Unconscious in Parking Lot
18:30 Approx. 65 y/o HM found lying on pavement in grocery store parking lot. Bystanders say he eased himself to the ground and went unconscious. Pt. had urinated on himself and was not coherent...suspected seizure. Store owner stated, "He does this all the time." Transported to hospital and treated for seizures.

Crusty's Cut Cleaning Service
19:52 Police called ambulance for 46 y/o WM with abrasion on left cheek. Police wrestled Pt. to the ground, and Pt. sustained injury. Ambulance called to clean cut before taking him to jail.

Emergency...15 Miles Away
21:34 Called to accident on freeway, approximately 15 miles from station. No other ambulances available between here and there. Halfway there we were disregarded by one of the other ambulances called to the accident. Multiple people called (driving by), giving multiple accident locations.

Help...I Crapped Myself
21:54 Responded to 57 y/o BF CO crap all over herself. My partner also noticed a small fist-sized hemorroid hanging out of her hospital gown, which she was dressed in since she left the hospital 4 hours prior. Pt. transported to hospital wrapped burrito-style in 4 sheets to contain smell. Pt. was reported to have meowed like a cat while being cleaned by nurses at the hospital, sent home, and crapped in the waiting room on the way out. Pt. called ambulance 2 more times in next 24 hours.