Friday, October 10, 2008

Let's Play, "Blood, Poop, or Vomit"!...The Ambulance Is a Filthy Place

If I haven't already made you think twice about ever calling an ambulance again, just based on the fact that ambulance drivers are sick, twisted, insensitive, CLOWNS; the information I'm about to reveal to you will really make you never want to call an ambulance again, unless it's a choice between 'call an ambulance' or die (which is the way it should be). Even then, you may just want to choose death.

As you might imagine, the ambulance sees a lot of blood, snot, vomit, poop, spit, sperm, urine, pus, amniotic fluid, after-birth, pre-birth, general non-birth related vaginal sludge, zit-juice, eye goop, ear grease, and any other body fluid you can imagine. Every surface of the ambulance has, at one time, been the depository for at least one, if not all, of these body fluids.

The problem is, most people figure the nice boys that work on the ambulance meticulously disinfect every square nanometer of the ambulance. Most people are delusional. You can count on the nice boys on the ambulance to create an 'appearance of cleanliness,' but don't expect them to actually clean anything. We'll clean up all the most visible chunks of blood & vomit, wipe down most of the visible surfaces, and try to make it smell good; but ambulances are far from being clean. Sure, we change the sheet, most of the time, but that's like trusting a single square of one-ply toilet paper to protect you from a toilet seat in a gas station in Tijuana (I've heard of EMT's trying to go the whole day without ever having to change the sheet, due to VISIBLE contamination). When you're in an ambulance, you are surrounded by biohazardous filth; it's attacking you from all sides.

You know how they say that when you have sex with someone, you are really having sex with everyone that person has ever had sex with? Well, when you ride an ambulance, you are essentially having sex with every hobo & loser that ambulance has ever transported.

Here are some examples of some of the human bio-filth you might find in a typical ambulance...

Backboards are the direct recipient of whatever is oozing out of our patients. We get them from the hospital, and we try to pick backboards that don't have any obvious signs of contamination, so we don't have to clean them. These backboards were on my ambulance, ready to be used, at the beginning of my shift. Are you ready to play, "Blood, Poop, or Vomit?"...

Blood, Poop, or Vomit??? This is the area where a patient would lay his head (above).

Blood, with a little fecal matter, is my guess. What's a little fecal matter between friends?

Tape residue collects some of the neatest little specimens.

Probably poop, blood, AND vomit. All three are correct answers.

That's definitely pubic hair, and maybe a little vomit.

I'm guessing that's either blood, poop, or bloody poop.

I won't touch a stretcher without some heavy-duty, space-man-suit-like protection. The top of the stretcher and some of the handles get wiped down every now and then, but everything else goes by the rule, "if it looks clean, then it is clean."

This is a stretcher rail in regular light...

Here's a stretcher rail in black light...notice all the little splatters of 'who-knows-what'.

Here's a seatbelt in regular light...

Here's a seatbelt in black light. These seatbelts make direct contact with every loser we ever transport, AND they're highly absorbent.

This is a latch underneath the stretcher...

Here's the same latch in black light. Since this latch is on the underside of the stretcher, I imagine it has never been cleaned. The rule is, "Out of must be clean."

Blood Pressure Cuffs
Blood pressure cuffs get cleaned about once every few days, maybe, and every time we use them on someone REALLY bloody. Other than that, when an EMT puts a blood pressure cuff on you, you're essentially sticking your arm into a petri dish containing body fluid samples from every hobo that has worn that cuff over the past few days. Even when they do get cleaned, it's not exactly a thorough cleaning. The same is true for stethescopes, pulse oximeters, and all the vital-taking equipment at the hospital. I mean, why would WE want to clean this stuff, it's not like this equipment has to touch OUR skin, just YOURS.

Here are some cuffs in regular light, and below are some cuffs in black light. Is that vomit I see on the cuff, or is that just some sperm?

Does it make you feel good that EMT's wear gloves? Have you ever thought about all the things EMT's touch, with their gloves ON, that have already been contaminated by some other loser? The reason most EMT's religiously wear gloves is to protect THEMSELVES from you and all the contamination in the back of the ambulance. They touch all the stuff in the back of the ambulance, which has been contaminated by every variety of dung-covered loser you could ever imagine, then they touch YOU.

This keyboard LOOKS innocent, but it's really a breeding ground for every pathogen known to science. Sure, we have our gloves on when we touch it, but then we touch YOU.

I'd rather lick the anus of a dead possum than touch this knob with my bare hands.

These straps have exchanged more body fluids than Wilt Chamberlain.

This IV hanger has never been cleaned; I triple your money back guarantee it. Imagine the lush tropical forest of filth growing on that thing.

Look at this little gem I found in the back of the ambulance. It's a fork with food hanging off of it. Not only will you be contaminated by all the hobos that have ever ridden back here, you'll also enjoy the contamination of the EMT's saliva and trichinosis covered fork.

Here's some goop and sludge hiding on the floor, around the stretcher retainer. It looks like it's probably just some human scabs and some roach poo.

Here's a little more tape residue, which has the ability to collect 400x its mass in human DNA. Which combination of body fluids do you think have to mix together to create the color black?

So...the next time you think the ambulance might be a nice, convenient way to safely get your mother to the hospital, consider the fact that the clowns on the ambulance couldn't care less about your mother's health, they probably don't have anything to give your mother to improve her health or comfort, the ride is about as pleasant as a bicycle with no seat, and most importantly, climbing into an ambulance is like swimming in a septic tank with open wounds. Save your mom the hassle, instead of calling her an ambulance, just stand above her and defecate in her trach tube, then go hook her feeding tube up to her colostomy bag.

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